Why? Just Why?

Have you ever had the feeling that you can understand anything, anyone... except yourself? That's how I end up feeling everyday. I can look at other people and have atleast a glimpse of why they act how they do, why they do what they do, but with me I can barely explain it except for the simple stuff. Take me growing out my hair for example. I started growing it out as a symbol of something that's dead now. That was the driving force, to help solidify my feelings, to remind me of how long it's been, etc etc. But why continue, when the initial reason is dead, doesn't apply anymore, didn't even apply well when I started growing it for that. I just hate when everyday the biggest thing on my mind is longing and remorse over the hole I dug and jumped into blindfolded. The biggest obstacle in my path his myself because I'm going to always dwell in what has happened, not what could happen next. I find it impossible to move past it, but I still feel ahead. I stopped sleeping in a ball. I stopped crying to sleep. I genuinely feel happy more often. But still. As I stated before, I feel like a Holden Caulfield. I even will repeat stuff over and over again through my pointless ramblings and moanings. I don't want to move on from things. I'm still the retarded internet person I was 2 years ago. I may not use this blog as much, and possibly improved in other things, but a lot of things are still the same or I've been quietly fighting with myself to keep it the same. Atleast I don't get disgusted with people for the wrong reason. Well there's no right reason to dislike someone. But, I found Holden is disgusted with people out of jealousy more than actually dislike. I just really wish I could even slightly understand my mannerisms and habits so I can move on easier.

My dad is a social terrorist
The psychologic theorist
He tries to fuck with you
You fight back he's feeling blue
He wants to be on top even though he scrapes the bottom
He tries to grab an ass and gets slapped, he's so unwanted
Take him out in public and then try to run away
He comes crawling back but in minutes now I'm gay
If he wants me to stay he really can't show it
Cause all this bullshit just stacks up and blows it
He's like a Stan Smith and apparently I'm Steve
But the only difference is that he should bow to me
I'm the adult cause he sure plays the child
Even his insults are feeling really mild
I got daddy probs but at least I can admit
I'm not on the street making money off my dick
I'm not slitting wrists, I'm not huffing shit
I'm tryna feel up even though I'm frowning
This life is a hard one but so are the others
Even so, I really want another
At least with two parents that act their age
Cause their egotistic narcissism gets overplayed

Don't get me on my mom cause I don't wanna ride it
But as the cow moos it's on a social diet
What it wants when it wants break that it's violent
Backs get broken and the crowd gets silent
Spectators watch they don't want none of that
They just watch the tantrum and they place their bets
People can't stand her and neither can I
Not just because her sight bleeds eyes
Not just because her mouth leaves lies
Not just because she makes babies cry
She values education and I think it's cause she needs it
But my brain don't need a shower and the schools don't teach shit
School is a joke that I find overplayed
It's like a daycare with a brainwashing phase
But I almost forgot this cow likes to bark
This bitch bites and left more than a mark
I ain't got time for chinks but this bitch thinks it is
I told her otherwise and now she's flippin shit
I gotta get it made so I can get outta here
But this house is a trap and I'm stuck ensnared

Now I move to me at the risk of my ego
At least I know my probs so I just border evil
But I can't value school not cause I feel above
It's cause of the shit down our throats that they shove
Still gots to succeed to keep the public happy
I'll talk illiterate to keep my child nappy
Don't wanna grow up but it's coming I've accepted
I'll just go with the flow cause I know I can't change it
Who the fuck thought to swim against the current
When it's easier when you flow along with it
You pick when to turn and paddle like a bitch
But that occasion's rare, at least for me that is
As I said earlier this life is hard
I can still dream but that dream falls apart
A natural need to not succeed with ambition lost on me
I only strive for my interest, I just want to be free

Run Forest Run

So even though I should make a post about Forest Gump and the type of message it portrays, this post is about me. I'll still talk about Forest Gump though, maybe, probably not. But anyways, I haven't mentioned it here yet but I'm on the track team. I used to make fun of track. Or atleast one kid that acted like he was badass just cause he was on track. Track's not so much a joke, but the kid is. I never knew if it was heckling or accurate but from what I heard he never showed up to practice and had to run an event, just cause they didn't have anyone else to run it. I already knew he's a bad runner, just from looking at him. He never maintains the fit, slimmed, but muscular body form that a runner would have. I got to that in about 4 weeks, he never got there because he didn't go to practice everytime. But track is actually hard work, even though it's full body the workout is really concentrated. With only three categories; Distance, Sprinters, and Field events, you get your ass worked. I even talked around and the Cross Country team has the hardest workout schedule in the school. But just damn, I got stuck in distance even though I'd prefer sprinting so at the end of practice, I need to just lay down and only move my upperbody all day. There's a few rules to pay note to though. First, no carbonated drinks unless you want a giant ass cramp under your rib cage. Second? Well, no acidic or greasy foods before practice unless you want it to go in reverse. Final? Make sure you perfectly relieve yourself before practice unless you want to wet yourself while running, or have an ass bomb. These are my personal rules, obviously from the last one. Seriously though, running with an ass full of shit turns it from a solid to a liquid. Back to talking about Distance though, I think I managed to show promise. Besides the fact the coaches only bitch at or pay attention to runners that they think can go somewhere, which happens to me a lot but I'm also a magnet to conflict with authority. But, we had a mock meet and they wanted me to run in it. They were going to pick two or three out of the 6 or 7 of us that ran. I ran a 500 and a 1000, but I cut out in both. I don't know what the hell was going on but I had a good start on the 1000 but then couldn't breath, and the 500 I just could barely walk. I wasn't in the shape for a mock meet that day. After that though they put sprinters in some distance events because only 2 of us were ready to compete in the first place. I'll touch down on Forest Gump tomorrow or something, pretty nice story if you ask me.