The line between creepy and sweet is too thin
While stalker and lover lie down next to it
An obsession with pleasure
I regress to fiending
As the bottom of the bottle drops
And the thoughts start to get lost
I can't see clear
About to act from fear
And the mind is just stuck in a rut
Tryna be deep I don't mean to be blunt

I walk down this line but I can't strut straight
I guess you could say I have a drunk mind state
Too many pretties but not enough face
Too many thoughts stuck as thoughts, not taste
And I start to question my tongue
Cause this bullshit just isn't fun
I may be good for days
But never for the week
I'm acting like I'm tweaked
And caked up on the beat
And wandering through the haze
Cause the shades are still shut
The sun still shining
But no lights touch

I'm a diamond in the rough
And this gemstone's smashed
The pretty little dust
Is ready for the pass
Through the nasal
And the drip
Take the head
Not the tip
I might as well be an addict if I'm living like this
Stuck strung out
And really fucking pissed
That I let the chance go
If it was even a chance I guess
As I blend into the crowd
All the chatter's getting loud
And I don't know where it is I is
A bordering masochist
Cause the mental anguish comes next
After all the pleasure
That's all that's fucking left
And the anger compliments
Like  peanut butter to jelly
So Imma enjoy the sandwich

Detoxify my veins in vain
As my somber brain gains pain
And the thoughts get slow
Sober time again
I'll jot down this line
Pay the fine then try again
Write a rhyme again
Is this right this time
Or is it wrong again
Nicotine for the fiend
And caffeine for the mind
Dragon breath death
And the sight's still fine
Draggin this on to long
And the freestyle's gone
But no set rhyme scheme
Recycled near the end rhyme
But nothing yet set
Set in stone or in pen
Nowhere close to end
Just take another breath
Maybe think about some breasts
Maybe drift off again

Remix

Track 6: Alan's in Wonderland

Get out of my head
You're supposed to be dead
Stop wandering through my mind like this
The light that was lit got blown out like a bitch
But these candles gotta be a trick
I found some new flavor
And got a new taste
But you still gotta be on my mind
So I guess it's time
I undo the rewind
But stick to the usual grind
Five days sober is going to seven
But five days blank is to two
The five days mean nothing to anyone at all
Especially not to you

Intense sensation
I take the contagion
Cause it keeps me warm inside
B LAZ E's on bitch mode
Get ready for the groan
And the relapse
All in good time

Fuck this shit
I don't wanna be your nigga
Bitch, please get out of my head
These thoughts are fed
And my face is turning red
As I suffocate
Defecate
Subtly solicit sympathy
Death to the rewind
Fined for the signs
My fortune's been told
That Imma grow old
Be a virgin and a father to all
Cause no love is special
And no thoughts light
And living just feels like a fight

The struggle's intense
My thoughts are getting dense
I still can't concentrate
Stuck in the past
And running past the present
Thoughts contained caged
Like a pregnant period
The professions always come late
Never been on a date
Just stuck to masturbate
And slightly verbate
The record's repeating
Not missing a skip
Recycled thoughts
And retuned rhythms
Barely remixed or made

Crushed

Ok so if the last post didn't suggest it, I'm in love again. BUT, this time it's a little different. The crush is on the same level as the one I had on Blues. Totally, utterly, crushed. It's like there's an ocean above me not just because of the pressure but because I'm drowning in delirium and dopey smiles. This time though, I ACTUALLY TALK TO HER...kinda. I make her laugh, do the whole entire clown around shit. But, problem is I know my first impression with her is that I was a nerd because I said my favorite sport was Dota in class, but that might've gotten wiped when I said my life motto was screw it. We were doing one of those introductory things in English. She's weird, and cute, and her laugh is just uplifting to me. I love making her laugh, which is my usual sign that I'm smitten with a girl, but in there lies the problem, all I do is that. I'm at the usual dilemma, don't know how to break down the barrier and talk to her like a normal person, on a serious level. She's initiated maybe 2 conversations with me, but I kinda just sit there. I was overjoyed though when she started sitting in front of me in class, atleast that way she'll hear my side comments and have something to laugh at. Ahhh....the best and worst part of the human experience is definitely being in love, if only I could see it through just once. Alas, I may have something going though. I opened three fortune cookies and in this order they read, "There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead of you" "Expect the Best" and "Determination is what you need now"; It may just be coincidence, but the universe works mysteriously, and everything has some other meaning and retains somewhat to fate.

Girl You Got Me

Girl you got me
Girl you got me
Girl you got me
Girl you got me

Twisted like a pretzel
And this Tea is tasting good
I wanna say I love you
But I wonder if I could
Crazy for the cutie with a booty
Tryna keep this shit from rude
I wanna be the person where she's like
That's my dude
Never been in dating
Or a real relationship
Never had a special girl
That had me specialish
But Imma sit here
Telling everyone right now
That this new girl
Has got me feeling wow

Girl you got me
Girl you got me
Girl you got me
Girl you got me

Going crazy
But was I ever sane
If this comes to light
Will things be the same
Is there much to lose
I know there's much to gain
All I remember
Is at first you thought me lame
I ain't playing
I fall in love pretty easy
But of the few crushes
You make me feel more needy
Call me sweet or call me sour
Call me lame or call me brainy
Call me honey call me bitch
But a kiss would have me fainting

Girl, You Got Me

For anyone that avidly reads my blog and I don't see it person, it'd be nice to get comments. Shit, I want to make new acquaintances and get outside opinions on my shit. Opinions from strangers especially cause they don't know me and are less reserved when it comes to criticism. It's also always nice to meet new people, yea that too. So please, niggas, become my friendzizzles. Assuming that I even have a following, I'm pretty sure most of my views are from people that stumble on here and are like, this kids a fuckhead I'm going somewhere else.

Asexual Maybe?

So I've done some thinking lately, and had a conversation with a friend from work on the way home, and I'm pretty sure I'm close to asexual. I only say close because I still get turned on. OH YES DO I GET TURNED ON. But the problem is, everything turns me on. I thought about it for awhile and realized, despite the fact I think about sex all the time I don't think I'd ever go on to have it. No matter what relationship I have with the person, even if it's a highly deep spiritual one, I don't think I'd ever indulge in the supposed best part of a relationship. I have a thing for atleast one girl in each of my classes, I've ended up having a thing for almost any girl I know. It's not out of desperation though. I found I naturally fall in love with people in general, I guess you can say I'm living deliberately. I'm enjoying the best part of the human experience, love, to it's fullest extent. I still would love a girlfriend. A sapiosexual preferably, but if she's aesthetic I doubt I'd really care. All relationships of any kind whether it be friend or foe or romantic have the same root, attraction. The reason I included foe in that is because intimidation is commonly considered attractive to people. But, the way a relationship grows is by building on that attraction and learning about that person. The most attractive thing I find in someone aesthetically? Well first off, I tend to not be attracted to white girls. But, I have to fall for a cute chick. The most attractive thing I can ever find in a girl though, is when I look at her I end up thinking of an animal. Specifically mammals, and I realize this shit makes me sound like some freaky kemonomimi, but it's more of a spiritual thing. To make it even less general, canines and felines. Oh god yes. Girls that make me think of foxes, wolfs, and cats. A black chick that makes me think of cats, fuck yes. The reason I say it's a spiritual thing is because those animals are commonly associated with worship in ancient times. Native Americans had wolves, Japanese had foxes, Egyptians had cats. I could probably find even more animals associated with spiritualism but I'm trying to have the post before midnight so I can knockout before I forget about it. I could fantasize for days about all the kinky and erotic things I'd share with a girl, but I'm confident that if I got into a relationship with one I'd never try to get into it with her, whether she wants to or not. My biggest worry in a relationship is the fact I don't know what I'd do exactly. Ever since my dad died I've been a lot more of a shut-in and been less social. I went sober a month and a half ago and after that I found I talk even less with people I'm unfamiliar with. Even then, I used to constantly be talking to people when I'm at home, and whether it be that no one uses facebook anymore and I don't have a lot of numbers on my phone, or that I can't hold a conversation for shit anymore, I'm scared more than ever to get into a relationship. I even asked one of my chick friends to set me up on a blind date with someone, but I doubt she even remembers I asked her to. I know I'd enjoy spending time with them no matter what. But the problem is would they? With the state I'm in from constant caffeine withdrawal, which I'll get into on another post, I honestly think about just falling asleep with a girl while cuddling with her and having a drifting off conversation. However, there is this one girl that's in the same program I'm in. She's from another school, the black girl I was talking about that looks like a cat, she's in one class with me and might end up getting into a different one next semester. In that class we went outside and she was all excited about it too, doing stuff that annoyed the teacher, first time she talked to me though. I already was like, OMG YOU'RE HOT AS FUCK, prior to talking to her, but in the slight conversations I have become infatuated. Then again, I'm easily infatuated, as this post is about. The other thing I've noticed is I think I've picked out a couple of girls and they turned out to be directioners. Really weird, and I'll end on that note.

Who Am I?

Watch the crack whip as the crack starts smoking
Eyes going evil and the sun sets this morning
Without the dope we're all creatures of the night
Who's up in the morning on time

Demon eyes are demonized by the public's judging eye
Just drugs and recreation and begging for a light
Chained in the cave all day
The light from the windows getting blocked by the shades
As the shades overtake the sight of the blind
And the third eye's starting to shine tonight
I didn't give up the fight, just looked for the peace
Without a piece cause that isn't for me
Everyone's gavel just banging too loud
And I can't take the noise I'm going deaf
Just looking to extend and move on to the next
Forget this plane and move on through death
This body's just a tool but I better treat it well
Cause misuse of body only leads to hell
But these drugs aren't damage, it's an extension of mind
But the public'll never learn this in time

Forget my name
And forget the blame
Forget the thoughts that urge to complain
Forget yourself and live in the life
Of the earth and the mind of this time

Stimulant addiction and I ain't functioning
But I still bust through as my mind's crumbling
Zombie with a brain but I'm feeling insane
As the hunger and the urge become one again
I'm in pain, of the mind and the body
The chest starts aching as my head starts throbbing
Gotta drink another before I pass out
Ease the pain and refrain from the napping for now
Every Third day I get lost in the woods
As the sounds overwhelm from robins to ghouls
The hallow I hear and they don't show to fear
Any hollowed out husks that start to shed tears
Over menial mayhem of massacred masses
First world problems are the ones of dumbasses
No money for Jays or no money for games
So apparently money meant happiness then

Forget my name
And forget the blame
This material world is just one big complaint
Forget yourself and live in the life
Of the earth and the mind of this time

Some say I'm grounded but they haven't seen the horns
So I guess I'm at the center of hell that's the world
The core of the world is avarice and anger
Globalized culture is destroying the tamer
Bringing out the evil and leaving behind the wealth
Of the enlightened bliss that I seek for now
And I'll run from the light that the shit's try to shine
As they back me in the cave and over the tripline
But I'll get back up, or take a dirt nap
It's liberty or death not being a sap
Cause that syrup's thick and you'll be in the mud
With no branch to grab no olives nearby
No pelt to paint just a herd where you hide
The shepherd seems noble but his intentions are deep
You're here for him now and there's no more me
Your loss of consciousness was your one defeat