Am I Sick Or Sad

So the past week has been a sad, depressing, shit week for me. I haven't exactly been feeling too well lately either. So my question now is, am I sad because I'm sick or sick because I'm sad? I mean I know that they're connected. When you're sad you commonly will feel sicker. In fact being depressed can make you lose an appetite just as much as gain one. I know I've been feeling sadder and less wanting to live the past week. It hasn't been totally fun. But damn does my stomach hurt. So does my head. Depression is a bitch.

Don't Let Go

Well now that I started doing this I kinda like it. Expect more posts like this. Today it's "Don't Let Go" by Weezer. Weezer's a bit of an old band now, of course not real old but what people consider old in music is like 4 years. They're a hipster band too, I think they're British also.

Any time that you want
I'll be here in your arms
Silently holding on 
To the girl with the charms
But if there comes a day
You should turn your heart away
I'll be down on my knees
Beggin' for that girl to stay

Pretty plain and simple, but that's part of why I like it. He's saying he's always going to be there for her and he's never going to stop. He's not going to let go of what he feels for her. He doesn't expect her to know how much he loves her so he's silently holding on and she never notices how special she is to him. She's also really alluring and has that type of charisma that makes people love her. She loves him too, but if she were to ever stop he'd keep asking her to comeback. Well now Blue loves me, or so she says. I've never hugged her though, sadly. That's all I could ask of her too, to be hugged for once. Well that and you know, her affection. She has people that flock to her too. Guys like her, and they're guys that are more attractive than I. They probably can talk to her easier too, I used to be able to talk to her easily, but now I can barely start a conversation with her that lasts longer than 5 minutes. Seems like now that she's become distant and wants to leave me behind. I can't blame her, everyone gets tired of me eventually. I'm too stuck living in the past too. But I've practically begged her to still be my close and dear best friend. She didn't like that either though. I guess when you try to move past something, and it fails, things are always going to be different.

Don't let go
Ooo oh oh
Don't let go
Ooo oh oh

He's begging.

Anything you desire
I will set at your feet
With a kiss in the air
For the gods to receive
But if there comes a day
You should turn your heart away
I'll be down on my knees
Beggin' for that girl to stay

He's saying he'll give her whatever she wants to make her happy. And he blows a kiss, but she doesn't want it so it goes to "the gods". This is probably an inaccurate interpretation but it's the way I read it. Simply he's saying he'd do whatever he could to make her happy, and he gives her his love also. But she rejects his love. Then of course there's the reiteration. Honestly I have given her stuff that she wanted, even though she wouldn't ask for it. No matter what I always will have money to spend on her. She doesn't even abuse it. She doesn't like receiving gifts from people. As you all know, she has rejected my advances though.

Confrontations in my mind
Got me running out of time

He's facing his problems and thinking them through. But now he's so busy thinking it out he doesn't have time to think of her. Probably something else for the second half though. No need to explain why even this part gives me feels.

Ring Of Fire

Now I will do another analysis. It's clear I can't think of much of anything to write recently. I haven't really been able to talk to Blue much either, in having a conversation or in having the chance to. I haven't been that social in general, it makes it so that I don't spend as much time thinking so then I have less to say. But I'm going to write about how I relate to "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash.

Love is a burning thing
and it makes a firery ring
bound by wild desire
I fell in to a ring of fire...

He's saying that love can look beautiful and majestic, but it can hurt and when it does it's not annoying, it's painful. Love can surround you like a ring. It's not always hurting you, but the ring of fire (love) occasionally has embers and flares flying from it and burning you. There's also the temptation to embrace love, otherwise know as touching the fire. He got to far in love. No need to explain how I relate to it.

I fell in to a burning ring of fire
I went down,down,down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

He's repeating to confirm that we know, he's stuck in love. He's found the one, or thought to. He fell deep enough in love that he got an actual ring. He got married. At first it looked nice, but then he felt the burn of disappointment.


The taste of love is sweet
when hearts like our's meet
I fell for you like a child
oh, but the fire went wild..

He's saying it's nice. He enjoys being in love, especially when it's with someone he truly. But it turns out he was blinded by other things and was foolish to say he's in love. It was still good though, until things got out of control. I really didn't have to explain why I can relate to these. Any poster that may read this daily knows the way I feel. The sadness inflicted by loneliness and distance. Good night.

:( Nothing

So honestly I can't think of crap to write about today. I can always do a music analysis thingy but I honestly don't want to. I did one yesterday. Also that means I need to go look for a song etc etc, which I'm not in the mood to do. My day has been short because I spent most of my time at home today sleeping, something I'm right about to do again.

"With Me"

So today I'm going to talk about "With Me" by Sum 41. Basically, well, it's one of those songs that expresses a feel I feel everyday now.

I don't want this moment to ever end,
Where everything's nothing without you.
I'd wait here forever just to, to see you smile,
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.

The moment he's talking about is talking to or with the girl he likes. In this case I'd assume it's Avril Lavigne, who's now his ex-wife. Me talking to a certain person that anyone that reads this blog knows who it is, well I never want it to end. I want to go back to last year when she and I'd stay up til' 2 or 3 talking. I miss the deep conversations I'd have with her that bonded us. I still remember when she read my blog everyday. She'd remind me when I didn't have a post yet and it was late. Now I'm not sure for this part but I think that this song was written after Avril divorced him, he's saying he misses her and he feels worthless if she's not a part of his life. Again, this is a feel I feel everyday. I feel like I wouldn't be the person I'm now without her, and not having the same friendship and bond I had with her, all my fault, just makes me not see much worth in anything. I'd wait until I'm a 100 year old virgin for her, but I doubt she'd ever change her mind. I was told by another friend I should wait for her, that I really care for her. But I don't know. Me not waiting is because waiting is pain. But I'd do anything to see her smile, her smile is her beauty. She may beg to differ but when she smiles she's more magnificent than the sun. I can't help but smile when I see her smile.

Through it all, I've made my mistakes.
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words.

Ok, this part is plain and simple. He's saying that despite the fact that he's been a fuckup in the past he's still going to wait for her. He wants her to believe that what he's saying is true. This is the epitome of what I feel. REGRET. He's expressing regret. I've fucked up plenty with her, but she's forgiven me for it. I think she doesn't think that I can stop fucking up though. I don't know if I can stop fucking up. Love makes you do rash and bold decisions that don't normally have a happy ending to them.

I want you to know,
With everything I won't let this go.
These words are my heart and soul.
I'll hold on to this moment, you know,
As I bleed my heart out to show,
And I won't let go.

He's saying that he's being sincere. He misses what he had. And at his last breath, he's still not going to have given up on her. He's going to keep hoping. That right there I don't need to elaborate on how I relate to it. It's plain and simple. I won't give up and keep hoping that maybe she'll change her mind.

Thoughts read, unspoken, forever in vow,
And pieces of memories fall to the ground.
I know what I didn't have, so I won't let this go,
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.

He's referencing his wedding vows with Avril and the good memories the marriage brought him. Of course those memories stopped bringing happiness to him, only served to remind him of what he lost. Most of all though, he remembers what his life was like before he had her in it and he refuses to forget it so that he knows how special she is to him. Well with Blue, I haven't married her but I have promised things to her. Sadly I haven't been able to keep some of those promises. I just fail in my path of life. Now all I have are memories, mostly good with her. Well all good. She and I only fought once. My only bad memories of her are when I had made her mad and there was a distance between us. But my good memories are in pieces. Reminiscing over the happy times I had talking to her all night only serve to remind me of how far I've fallen. I remember what my life before I started talking to her on a deeper level was like though. It wasn't the happiest when I started talking to her and she was someone to talk to. She helped to get me on the path of happiness and led me out of my despair. But I guess I'm too clingy, because then distance got between us and I started to get sad again. I don't exaggerate when I say she truly is my source of happiness. Other things make me happy. But when I'm hungup on her I'm still dead inside. I just wish she and I were as close as we used to be.

All the streets, where I walked alone,
With nowhere to go, have come to an end.

He's saying he isn't alone anymore. He has someone. Or did. That's how I felt with Blue, when I started talking to her I didn't feel alone anymore because I had her.

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,
When you don't know what you're looking to find.
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,
When you just never know what you will find.

I think he's talking about her tears, which look like rain when they fall. Maybe he's saying he's the right one for Avril and she doesn't know what she threw away. But she still wanted to explore the world of people. Through her sadness she failed to notice that he was the one for her. I have to admit. That is how I feel with Blue. I feel like I'm the right guy for her. I'm probably wrong though. I'd just end up fucking it up and things would be worse because she'd never talk to me again. I can't say anything about her sadness getting in the way of things. I haven't really tried to get her to be with me when she's off. Mostly when I'm off.

Why Am I Here?

"It's not that I want to die, it's that I don't know why I want to live" -Thoughts of an Idle Mind.

So I've been thinking. Why am I here? I was the product of a loving couple and put my mom through much pain during childbirth. That's how I got here, but why am I here? I wasn't planned. Everyone's supposed to find their purpose in life but the one purpose I always gave myself, it's not needed. I decided I was here to make people happy. Well people are happy, and I know there is that one person that when they see me their day is better but I don't know who. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is a person that waits to talk to me everyday. I don't feel like I'm special to someone, not like I want to be special. I used to have so much more potential. I was a pianist at one point, a great one too. Never needed my music after three songs because it was all in my head. Then I'd sight read everything, unless it was a complex song I didn't make one mistake. Now I can barely read music. I was a drummer too. Not full set but mostly snare drum. I was learning to play the full set, but I threw that out the window too. I could still drum, but I don't know how to play a set. I can only play one thing at a time. But even if I had those abilities, I don't see why I'm still here. People make me happy, but they make me just as sad. The same things in life that always bring me joy, they brought despair when I was without it. I'm never going to be content for more than a minute. My optimism is failing me, I'd just ignore the negative and focus on the positive. But optimism is just as bad as cynicism. Being a realist is no better. Just everything that's wrong is going to appear right. But I'm the type of guy that can get close as fuck to a person and talk to them everyday, but I'm why they talk to me. I don't think I'd be as busy on facebook if I shut up for a bit and let them start talking to me. We'd just drift apart and I'd be forgotten. I'd be some loose memory that in ten years when that person thinks of me they'll just think , "Oh I wonder what happened to him and his life". My family is no better. If I committed suicide over the weekend no one would realize I was dead until the start of the week when I have school and I'm not ready to go. The temptation to just kill myself so that I don't have to deal with the pain of existing is too great with all the opportunities I have. My dad has been in and out of the hospital so much that he needs a bag for his medication. My parents trust me enough that I keep a set of throwing knifes, a pocket knife, and a bowie knife in my room. I have a ceiling fan. I could turn almost everything in my room into a way to die. So again the question is posed, why am I still here? I have no real purpose. I don't know why I want to live, but I don't know why I want to die. There's obvious stuff like there's those that I care for and would be devastated if I were gone. But, there's something deeper or else I wouldn't even be thinking of it again. Yeah, again.

Music Analysis: Bang the Doldrums

So after I took that Sum 41 song, forgot what it was already, and analyzed the lyrics explaining how I related to the song I've been thinking about doing something along those lines again. Basically, when I can't find something to write about and have enough time left, or feel strongly about a song, I'm going to do this. So for today I have "Bang the Doldrums" by Fall Out Boy.

"I wrote a goodbye note in lipstick on your arm
When you passed out
I couldn't bring myself to call
Except to call it quits"

So this part I don't relate to that much. I haven't thought on this part that much. It's mostly the refrain that I empathize with. But he's saying he can't bring himself to say goodbye and end things in person because it's too painful for. He couldn't force himself to call things off to her face and had to do it behind a phone or computer.

"Best friends
Ex-friends till the end
Better off as lovers
And not the other way around
Racing through the city
Windows down
In the back of yellow checkered cars"

Now this part, this is the part that I relate to. Atleast the first half. Blue is my best friend, I wouldn't say if she's my ex-friend yet though. But in my opinion, we are better off as lovers. She probably begs to differ though. But hey, who knows. The second part is something about taxis. As you can see I haven't put all that much thought into this one as I did the last one.

"Come hell or high water
Well I'm feeling hot and wet
I can't commit to a thing
Be it heart or hospital"

This I think I can relate to well also. It seems to me that he's saying he doesn't care about the risk, he wants to give into lust. But he has commitment problems and doesn't want them to get fixed. And I did do that. I valued my friendship with Blue more than anything, I still do, but I almost tore it to the point of no return just because I wanted to be more than friends. I got too selfish and self-centered. I didn't understand why she said no either. I still don't, but I've learned not to question people's decisions in most cases. But I do have a commitment problem, despite my love for Blue I still do think of other girls. I still pursue other girls. I'm not proud of it, but what else am I supposed to do. I'm lonely, and she has a boyfriend. But it's also my feelings for her that keep me from pursuing most girls also. I don't want to be dating a girl just because I'm lonely, and not feel anything special for her. I'd be too distracted with feelings for Blue to pay proper attention to the other girl. If I ever managed to get one...

"The tombstones were waiting
They were half-engraved
They knew it was over
Just didn't know the date"

He's saying he knew that what he did was destined to fail from the start, just didn't know how long it would last. But the things had already started to deteriorate. This I don't know how well I relate to it. I guess the idea that Blue and I will never be a thing is really realistic in my head, but I still have the optimism to hope that maybe she just is doing what this one girl told me. She said "Some girls don't move forward in a relationship because they're happy with things as they are". But I highly doubt it. But I know my feelings for her are for true. She helps me to reach my zen, either by talking to me or just being a thought in the back of my head.

"And I cast a spell over the west to make you think of me
The same way I think of you
This is a love song in my own way
Happily ever after below the waist"

Now I don't totally understand this part. I think he's saying he created empathy with her so that she had the same feelings for him. By becoming famous he got her to think of him and this song is his ode to his feelings for her. The last line is something talking about her lust always being satisfied. That part I don't get how to tie it in. I guess I kinda relate to it. I'd do something to get her attention if I could, but there's not much I could do.