Why do I feel like I need you? I obviously don't if I managed to last what's coming close to a year without having you to confide in, rant to, laugh with, and more. I'd say it's my building depression or my father's death that creates these feelings of dependency but I know that's bullshit. I was feeling a need to talk to you prior to his passing and my building depression is also a regressive one that builds and falls just to build again. The blame more likely belongs with the fact I'm starting to feel more comfortable around you, clearly not enough to openly talk to you. I feel like I'm getting closer to a border that I know I won't cross, whether by my choice or yours. Despite my deep desire to cross that line and go from that fucked up kid that has a thing for you and slowly to being your friend again, I'm apprehensive just out of the fear that if I somehow were to, I would just fuck up and ruin it. I wouldn't be able to handle earning my way back into your life just to get myself kicked out in a day. As for your choice, it wouldn't surprise me if you're scared of me. Not so much me but my affection for you. Of all that shit I hear from the little brown boy that's the one thing I indefinitely believe without doubt. You probably understand parts of my mind better than me because of your outside view, and I can only imagine the trauma you endured during the later years of our time as "friends". Sadly I don't think I'll ever recover and kick this addiction to whatever my pretty thoughts of you generate in my body. I've already discovered that my standards are you, every girl I talk to and even consider to be a potential I subconsciously compare to you. Like any other person that feels driven by what can only properly be described as a hunger, nothing is even close to the real thing. No matter how many similarities they share with you I'll never decide to divert my attention to them. I may fancy ideas of grandeur with them in my lap, but they're ideas I'll never attempt to turn reality because as I said, they're not you. Even just physical features become a template that I end up wanting every girl to fit into. Take your haircut for example, a haircut that on any other girl I would call a dyke cut it ended up becoming a fetish for me to see girls with their hair cut short and in that way, just because it's similar to you. I don't even know why I'm writing this stupid and overly sweet but obviously deranged message to you. What's it going to accomplish, even if you still read this stain? Besides me expressing my true thoughts, nothing. Because, in all honesty and no matter how much it disgusts me, I believe I have given up hope. The closer to the border I got the more I could see how far away from it you stood. Early in the school year I entertained the idea almost every day that you would miraculously return as the lovely and sweet child that made me feel sublime and managed to break my perpetual cycle of anger and depression. A delusion I hoped too much to be possible, but realizing that even though history repeats itself, it's hard to repeat such a situation as ours, much less ensure that I won't repeat my mistakes as well.

The Dark in the Light

Don't be afraid just close your eyes
The dark is the home to many lies
The life left alone to drown and screech
DEATH IS A GOD AND FOR HIM I PREACH

The rage in my eyes is an anger untamed
After this death we won't be the same
But the dead walk and to me they crawl
I float on the edge but for them they fall
The pretty cries of the weak and meek
Feed my power and it's that that I seek
The death in my glare and the rage in my heart
Is what was left AFTER YOUR DEPART

Don't be afraid my little child
I'll shield you from the mad and wild
But one day I won't be the same
IT'S OFF TO THE DARK AND THE PAIN

The tears that you cry are ones with no right
Can't you see? Concede to the light
That she meant everything and nothing at once
But the life in your eyes is gone when she's done
Death becomes you and you are it
Don't believe me you little shit?
If she returned it'd be to your shame
Cause you know it'd NEVER BE THE SAME

Don't be afraid because you shun
The person that would make you one
This girl of light gave light to the dead
BUT THEN SHE LEFT YOUR HUNGER UNFED

Outro

Life's A Game

[Chorus]
Life's a game and I'm done with playing
The lips of the lovely are no lips for me
With a shattered mind to match my heart
The life of the many isn't a life for the free
[Verse 1]
You see me as I see you
A tortured soul in the shell of a man
The tears undetermined to why they're there
The anger and agony mixed with fear
[Chorus]
[Verse 2]
A blood soaked knife to match the tips
Of the fingers and arms and legs
The innocent slaughter of the earth
And yet the blind can keep their faith
[Chorus]
[Verse 3]
As I cry red not from my eyes
My body bleak with agony
The stench of death is in the air
I wreak a stench that's the smell of the free
[Chorus]
[Close]
LIFE'S A GAME AND I'M DONE WITH PLAYING
LIFE'S A GAME AND I'M DONE WITH PLAYING
THE LIPS OF THE LOVELY
LIPS OF THE LOVELY
THE LIPS OF THE LOVELY ARE NO LIPS FOR ME
*End*


P/S. I think it needs work

I'm sorry for all the times I fucked up, all the times I acted contrary to how I knew you'd prefer. To the times that I let you down which I grew to regret. I regret everyone of those decisions and that I didn't always cherish you, and when I did it didn't last long before I screwed up. You probably know that I'm still some googoo eyed dipshit over you still, just as much as you know I'm going to avoid you at all costs. In all honesty I want to fix things with you, but I doubt it'd ever happen. I'm hesistant to act out of fear that I'll mess up again and lose you again right after you blunder back into my life. But, if what the brown bitch has been relaying pertaining to you is true. The stuff he says you'd say about me, the stuff he says about you, I think I'm glad that things haven't been fixed. Despite my lack of closure, if what he says isn't some bullshit lie he uses to get to me, then I'd rather have you gone as well. Seeing as I probably won't know the truth behind all the bullshit for awhile, I more than likely am gonna continue to be a googoo eyed dipshit. But, I've been trying to rid myself of negative influence for a long time. You were the biggest positive influence on me, and your being gone leaves me in a more negative haze when I'm on my own. Like fuck, it's gonna have been a year since that retarded night in about 6 weeks. I know I say that like it's a short time and honestly it can be both long and short. But the time apart has left me miserable. Besides seeing you in class almost everyday, the fact that I can't just walk up and strike up a conversation with you which I see other people do just leaves me disgusted with myself for how retarded I'd act and how hard it was for me to break out of my tunnel vision. That's probably part of why I still quietly feel emotions for you that I try to stifle. Emotions I still haven't figured out yet. Emotions I still need an explanation for. I just don't want others to know the pain I feel on the inside, or at least why.Well, oh well. If you do read this, because this is only meant for one person and she knows who I'm talking about, I'm sorry that I'm still mentally broken into pieces smaller than dust.

The tension exceeds me as nothing can please me
My value on life degrades
A life on my own's not a life all alone
But boring as fuck I say
As thoughts outrun bullets my outlook gets duller
The holes in my head disappear
But the mind on it's own can be very prone
To make some new holes appear

Out of these holes pour juices of ages
The wine that the gods sip upon
But this wine has gone sour
As has my mood
As I look at all I've done wrong

I'm conscious of conscience
But not willing to listen
Why would I for it is a joke
My conscience isn't conscious
Of the burden I bear
A burden I bear all alone

A right for the wrong but no wrong is undone
Nor neither the rights will be judged
For rewards are spare as are my fucks
The time for those thoughts is long gone

Now listen young guppy
Don't listen to me
For I shout the thoughts of the mad
Just watch my mistakes
And learn and take
Because I've been a boy very bad

I feel proud of this lyric. Yes I properly used the term lyric to not refer to words intended for a song. Of course when I was walking in school and thought the first line I did intend to write something a lot more different from it. But back to my mad rant. And um, despite my positive tone in this piece of writing I have been in a shitty mood lately so don't mistake me to be positive. My favorite unit every year in English class is Poetry. Not because I can show off the depth of my being, something I prefer to keep private to myself, I only at least try to display it here because anyone that I know that I know reads this already has that type of understanding of me in that way, I think. I don't think any of my peeps actually still read it because it's been a shitstain scrap for so long. Anyways, I can share it with you guys cause you don't know me, if I even still have readers, which allows me to reveal my inner and deeper thoughts. Back to poetry though. I enjoy it because surprisingly I don't enjoy that level of deep thought when it's associated with me. I'm normally lost in it which irks me uncontrollably. But when I think and interpret other people's work I can't help but enjoy it. It gives me insight into my own problems that helps me sort them out, as well as provides me with something to think about that won't negatively affect me, most of the time. A lot of the music I listen to, which I see as poetry with music which allows you to add more emotion and effect to it, tends to be more centered around my moods and unconsciously dictated by more inner thoughts. But poetry class allows me simple expression as well. It focuses my word vomit which I find interesting. In an assignment I write what I think and it naturally has a rhythm and flow to it that I don't really pick out. Shit like typing it up is different where I spend time thinking on it. Well even when I think on it the word choice I normally use it just bizzare. The biggest problem is that I don't really know what I'm writing and I look back at it and explain it to myself. I find it's my way of talking to myself the only true way I know how. The lyric above me though? I truly love it just because of the riddlistic flow that I used where it makes me feel like there's some old man, yoda like person talking to me rather than, well, me. And as I said, my writing is normally word vomit, which surprises me because of it being put together as it is. And what I am happy about a lot is what I used in the third stanza, an epanodo. That's where you take a phrase, "I'm conscious of my conscience" and repeat it back but reversed, "My conscience isn't conscious". It's used in raps occasionally and another example is in "Smells Like Teen Spirit" where Kurt Cobain says "I found it hard, it was hard to find". I even added in a yoda line, the last line.

Diluded Delusions

So I've started to think back on my past self a lot lately. Especially with the gossip that I tend to hear every now and then it tends to make me think back on the past in general. Being the crazy storyteller I am, I do often look back to the retarded mishaps I've allowed myself to get into. Not to sound egotistical but I've always been a being of high intelligence, but I found I was a lot more deluded then which is why whenever I think back on myself I find myself stupider and stupider. Not to say I'm not deluded now, I'm quite sure I'm really deluded now and just know it because delusions are natural mental creations that your mind will strive to maintain. But to go with the concept of ignorance bringing bliss, I was happier then. If I'm not as deluded as I was then, I really wish I was. At least I was happy then, now most things are kind of a daze to me, even memories of the past year are fleeting. I enjoyed the delirium that I had, that should label me as insane but kept me sane. But maybe it's good that I can see a little better through the haze, maybe it won't benefit me knowingly because right now I feel miserable. And no, this isn't related to my dad's death. To be honest, despite it being bad to speak ill of the dead, my dad was a piece of shit who treated me like shit. Even though he strived for my attention and affection, obvious from some of the ways he acted, the person I came to know was a  douchebag. There's not better way to say it, but after his death I thought back on things more to realize he did care for me, he just didn't know how to show it sometimes.

Just Wave Goodbye

So...last night my dad passed. I can't say he was a great father to me, but he wasn't a shitty one either. He tended to treat me like crap but I learned that he just as much yearned for my attention. I feel bad about how I'd look towards him a lot and that our last few encounters were more negative than positive. But last night was horrible in the sense that it took him awhile to die. I couldn't even stand staying there to see it out. I left after he slid into a coma that wouldn't last long. Just all the fuckin machines and watching them pump into and out of him, but not doing anything but just making it easier on him. It was tragic. They took out his breathing tube so he could say his own farewell and he could only gurgle. He'd just gurgle with his eyes bugged out and where I couldn't tell if he knew he was trying to say something or it was just his body seizing up. When I left I could barely say anything. I just didn't want to be awake. I wanted to be out there in a reality where things didn't always end fucky. But, he's fought for the time he had and he suffered long enough. I feel glad that he's dead, because now he's at peace. No more pain and agony for him. No more troubles of the material plain.