What Am I?

So I've spent a lot of time thinking, as most people do, and a lot of my thought is supplemented by conversations I have with one of my friends. Well, I've started to question what I am. I've always thought about it, and looked into it. I already decided I'm an empath, but is such a status bound to a physical means. To be more clear, you know how atleast once in your life you will experience not being comfortable in your own skin? Like you don't belong in your body? Well I tend to always feel like that, not saying I feel like I was supposed to be born a girl, but more like I belong more as an astral body that doesn't need a vessel. I've wondered, maybe I'm just the result of being a vessel for another higher spiritual being that dwells in me as does myself. I'll honestly never know though. I just never felt like a part of society as much as I feel like I belong as a part of the global consciousness. I just as much feel disgusted with my status as a human. I'm a cynic of humanity to the extent where I'm gonna assume people are stupid rather than that they have any level of intelligence if I've never met them before. As my Human Geography teacher said, fact is just a reflection of a person's developed reality. To me, it's a fact that humanity will always be stupid. This is just because most people I ever end up talking to make me feel like I'm drowning in a sea of idiocy and ignorance. To extend that comment, ignorance is a lack of knowledge, and idiocy is how a person will act out of that lack of knowledge. But back to my feeling of not belonging on a physical plain. I find that I have an insatiable infatuation with the sounds of words. To me, a song's lyrics don't really have to make sense, as long as there's a nice rhythm to it and a fancy swirl of assonance, consonance, alliteration, rhyme and other sound devices. I find it close to impossible to write "poetry" without a rhyme scheme. Like fuck, before when I had nothing to say but knew I wanted to talk to someone I'd just give them a line of nonsense that was straight up alliteration. It was a proper sentence it just didn't make sense to people.I mean I can't ramble as well right now though, I did better last night when I was talking to my friend about it.

Borderline

Somewhere in between when I want it and I got it
I got this life but I really don't want it
It may be a gift but it's feelin like a curse
Not just this life but every line of this verse
And every line in my nose and every hit in my lungs
It gets me hella high but the falloff runs
It runs me outta town cause the big city's falling

This damn town's shit and it's been busy crumbling
This damn town's shit cause it's lost its pageant winner
This damn town's shit cause it's warmer in the winter
This damn town's shit cause I stopped with the maintenance
This damn town's shit cause the morale is faking man

If you can't tell I'm not talking bout this town
Yea manasty is nasty but not why I frown
And one day I'll get out of this stain
I'll ascend to the spill and leave behind my brain
The ascendance to the glory of the office life winner
Who works a 9 5 and gets a bonus this winter
But he left behind his thoughts and feelings
Cause money runs the mind for now it's concealing
The mind, cause matter is what matters right now
Until I feel better it's the focus for now
But one day I'll return to my mind
But that one day is for another time

Lord of the Manor

The pain sets in as does the hate
The epiphany it's running late
The doctor says the light is near
But no where near is anyone dear
The morphine kick with the blast of air
The night sweats over the cold terror
The death of a lord in his own right
The death of a lonely man tonight

His storm cloud rains the salty tears
It's this dark night that he faced his fears
The lord of the manor lost to his love
For a lady of no one below or above
Especially not he for he is damned
To love and lose and love again
The cycle of death that fills his heart
And left his mind to be fairly far

So the morphine kicked as the pain sunk in
Despite the high he still felt dead
The life of this lonely man so dear
Is one that you can't watch without tears
Either his or yours or the ones that he makes
As his bitter mood seeps out of his place
A place vacant and empty but filled
With a mass of pain and anger and will

But he's not a saint but a monster indeed
A monster he slung out for free
This creature of his darkest mind
Is the one the rules this time
That sits on the throne and throws his weight
The lord of the manor is a little late
He can't contain this beast indeed
For the beast is now him and he is now weak

Why do I feel like I need you? I obviously don't if I managed to last what's coming close to a year without having you to confide in, rant to, laugh with, and more. I'd say it's my building depression or my father's death that creates these feelings of dependency but I know that's bullshit. I was feeling a need to talk to you prior to his passing and my building depression is also a regressive one that builds and falls just to build again. The blame more likely belongs with the fact I'm starting to feel more comfortable around you, clearly not enough to openly talk to you. I feel like I'm getting closer to a border that I know I won't cross, whether by my choice or yours. Despite my deep desire to cross that line and go from that fucked up kid that has a thing for you and slowly to being your friend again, I'm apprehensive just out of the fear that if I somehow were to, I would just fuck up and ruin it. I wouldn't be able to handle earning my way back into your life just to get myself kicked out in a day. As for your choice, it wouldn't surprise me if you're scared of me. Not so much me but my affection for you. Of all that shit I hear from the little brown boy that's the one thing I indefinitely believe without doubt. You probably understand parts of my mind better than me because of your outside view, and I can only imagine the trauma you endured during the later years of our time as "friends". Sadly I don't think I'll ever recover and kick this addiction to whatever my pretty thoughts of you generate in my body. I've already discovered that my standards are you, every girl I talk to and even consider to be a potential I subconsciously compare to you. Like any other person that feels driven by what can only properly be described as a hunger, nothing is even close to the real thing. No matter how many similarities they share with you I'll never decide to divert my attention to them. I may fancy ideas of grandeur with them in my lap, but they're ideas I'll never attempt to turn reality because as I said, they're not you. Even just physical features become a template that I end up wanting every girl to fit into. Take your haircut for example, a haircut that on any other girl I would call a dyke cut it ended up becoming a fetish for me to see girls with their hair cut short and in that way, just because it's similar to you. I don't even know why I'm writing this stupid and overly sweet but obviously deranged message to you. What's it going to accomplish, even if you still read this stain? Besides me expressing my true thoughts, nothing. Because, in all honesty and no matter how much it disgusts me, I believe I have given up hope. The closer to the border I got the more I could see how far away from it you stood. Early in the school year I entertained the idea almost every day that you would miraculously return as the lovely and sweet child that made me feel sublime and managed to break my perpetual cycle of anger and depression. A delusion I hoped too much to be possible, but realizing that even though history repeats itself, it's hard to repeat such a situation as ours, much less ensure that I won't repeat my mistakes as well.

The Dark in the Light

Don't be afraid just close your eyes
The dark is the home to many lies
The life left alone to drown and screech
DEATH IS A GOD AND FOR HIM I PREACH

The rage in my eyes is an anger untamed
After this death we won't be the same
But the dead walk and to me they crawl
I float on the edge but for them they fall
The pretty cries of the weak and meek
Feed my power and it's that that I seek
The death in my glare and the rage in my heart
Is what was left AFTER YOUR DEPART

Don't be afraid my little child
I'll shield you from the mad and wild
But one day I won't be the same
IT'S OFF TO THE DARK AND THE PAIN

The tears that you cry are ones with no right
Can't you see? Concede to the light
That she meant everything and nothing at once
But the life in your eyes is gone when she's done
Death becomes you and you are it
Don't believe me you little shit?
If she returned it'd be to your shame
Cause you know it'd NEVER BE THE SAME

Don't be afraid because you shun
The person that would make you one
This girl of light gave light to the dead
BUT THEN SHE LEFT YOUR HUNGER UNFED

Outro

Life's A Game

[Chorus]
Life's a game and I'm done with playing
The lips of the lovely are no lips for me
With a shattered mind to match my heart
The life of the many isn't a life for the free
[Verse 1]
You see me as I see you
A tortured soul in the shell of a man
The tears undetermined to why they're there
The anger and agony mixed with fear
[Chorus]
[Verse 2]
A blood soaked knife to match the tips
Of the fingers and arms and legs
The innocent slaughter of the earth
And yet the blind can keep their faith
[Chorus]
[Verse 3]
As I cry red not from my eyes
My body bleak with agony
The stench of death is in the air
I wreak a stench that's the smell of the free
[Chorus]
[Close]
LIFE'S A GAME AND I'M DONE WITH PLAYING
LIFE'S A GAME AND I'M DONE WITH PLAYING
THE LIPS OF THE LOVELY
LIPS OF THE LOVELY
THE LIPS OF THE LOVELY ARE NO LIPS FOR ME
*End*


P/S. I think it needs work

I'm sorry for all the times I fucked up, all the times I acted contrary to how I knew you'd prefer. To the times that I let you down which I grew to regret. I regret everyone of those decisions and that I didn't always cherish you, and when I did it didn't last long before I screwed up. You probably know that I'm still some googoo eyed dipshit over you still, just as much as you know I'm going to avoid you at all costs. In all honesty I want to fix things with you, but I doubt it'd ever happen. I'm hesistant to act out of fear that I'll mess up again and lose you again right after you blunder back into my life. But, if what the brown bitch has been relaying pertaining to you is true. The stuff he says you'd say about me, the stuff he says about you, I think I'm glad that things haven't been fixed. Despite my lack of closure, if what he says isn't some bullshit lie he uses to get to me, then I'd rather have you gone as well. Seeing as I probably won't know the truth behind all the bullshit for awhile, I more than likely am gonna continue to be a googoo eyed dipshit. But, I've been trying to rid myself of negative influence for a long time. You were the biggest positive influence on me, and your being gone leaves me in a more negative haze when I'm on my own. Like fuck, it's gonna have been a year since that retarded night in about 6 weeks. I know I say that like it's a short time and honestly it can be both long and short. But the time apart has left me miserable. Besides seeing you in class almost everyday, the fact that I can't just walk up and strike up a conversation with you which I see other people do just leaves me disgusted with myself for how retarded I'd act and how hard it was for me to break out of my tunnel vision. That's probably part of why I still quietly feel emotions for you that I try to stifle. Emotions I still haven't figured out yet. Emotions I still need an explanation for. I just don't want others to know the pain I feel on the inside, or at least why.Well, oh well. If you do read this, because this is only meant for one person and she knows who I'm talking about, I'm sorry that I'm still mentally broken into pieces smaller than dust.