Mmf I'm Bi-Polar

So for the past few weeks I've been jumping between being a super happy jovial man to a quiet recluse who can't be happy with the life that he lives. At the moment I'm happy though. Quite. It's because I've been talking to the girl that's not Blue that I love. She don't love me back, but she talks to me and I feel on clouds when she does. Of course it's also the first time in 2 weeks she's talked to me so it's made me feel like a drug addict that just got his fix again. But, what isn't there to love about her? I can't describe it because my descriptions are normally horrible when it's of someone's personality due to my high confusion of what a personality is. I'm just drawn to her. I really need to stop asking her out to ice cream though. I have a one hundred dollar bill and am itching to spend it though. Of course it probably won't be on her. She doesn't even want to hang out with me. What she says is that it's because I'm more of someone she feels comfortable talking to online rather than in person, but I think it's because she's worried I'll make something more out of it. If there's one thing I have a talent for it's being able to balance out my delusions. Any delusion I have is short lived. Nothing more, nothing less. And seeing as I've been rejected by her a shit ton it's not like I'm going to think it's more than me being sweet. But then again there's always the side of me that says, she's worried that she's going to change her mind and decide she likes you. I guess that's why I"m always pushing to hang out with her. She knows that I love her and it kinda gets on my nerves sometimes. For example, she dotes on my bestfriend and adores him. I'll say he does the most retarded stuff like hit me in the balls with an xbox controller, which has happened before, and she just laughs and is like, Ohhh *PERSON'S NAME*. It turns me into a jealous shit that causes me to create animosity towards him. I'm lucky I'm wasn't close friends with Blue's boyfriend or else it'd be the same thing but worse. Of course my animosity is short lived. I prefer not to let girls get between me and my friends, it's just not right. I still think though that once she sees me she's going to be like, "Da F? Who the hell is that and why does he look familiar". I have changed a lot physically just as I have mentally over the past few months since summer break. And they're both positive changes. I still have a bit of a gut but that piece is slowly slimming down and soon will be a nice six pack. Just need to do more exercises for my abdomen.

Fuckity Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuckity

Fuck this world, fuck this life. Fuck the fuck that made the knife.

Fuck the things that made me smile but left me sitting in denial.

My life is done my life is burned. My love is gone never to return.

I'll never be the same again, I'll be this shell til' the end.

Without Blue my world is gone, life with no meaning is a life that's wrong.

What reason to live in this hateful world, happiness is lost when you love a girl.

But she doesn't love you back, may not even care. She just says that she does so that you're still here.

So that you're not dead hanging from a fan. Not keeling over from popping a grand.

Not slitting your wrists and bleeding all over. Not shot through the head no lucky clover.

No light at the end of the tunnel for me, just a life to live in misery

To wallow in self-pity and hate, it's me that's destined for this fucked up fate

So before my heart bursts from my chest, I'll try to finish off the rest

Before I beat out my last beat, I'll never admit my defeat

I'll keep going even without her, even though my world will burn

As my eyes close tonight, I'll give in to death without a fight

Sadly I wakeup the next morning, I take on the day groaning and moaning

I smile with my friends even though there's a terror inside, with everything broken there's no place to hide

I'll just go find some wreckage to hide while I cry, I'll spend the whole day wishing that I'd die

Go to sleep and feel the whole cycle, all because of my love for Michael

My life it's a wreck that I built to a house, and as I walk I feel like a mouse

Dwarfed by the world around me, but in the end you will see

This pain won't pay off, I'll still hate the world, and I'll still be broken over a girl

But I live with it and try to look up, cause down's not where I get my luck

Making the best will be my life, I just need to drop the knife

To get things clear Michael is Blue and I used her name cause she's used mine on her blog so I figured she wouldn't care. As for the four things that mean suicide, yes I have access to all of those except a gun. No, I'm not going to do them anytime soon. The rest I'll leave up to your interpretation. It's not that I'm getting lazy but I decided that explaining what it is that I write is senile because opinions will differ. Last thing though, I have no confirmation of her not caring anymore. I'd been listening to Three Days Grace especially "Let it Die" which is talking about him not caring anymore. He didn't try to preserve their relationship because it didn't mean anything to him anymore. I've convinced myself that that's Blue's view on me. That I'm not worth anything. She'll only say that she cares so that I don't go crazy and slice something. But my life is empty without her, to love a girl that doesn't love you back is an unbearable pain.

I Thought I Had My Shit Together

So besides me being behind in class I have emotional shit to worry about. I'm going to address class first though. I have to study for this giant test called the Microsoft Certification Test that I already took twice and failed. The only reason I'm taking it a third time is because I'm the only one in the class that even came close. But I have a shit ton of other work to do. That broken glass picture? Well I gotta cut it out piece by piece and reglue it onto another piece of paper, I've already lost three or four of it's pieces also. Then I got a whole shit load of English work to do for "To Kill a Mockingbird" which I find to be quite a good book. The broken glass is going to be the hardest because it took me 2 hours to get barely a quarter of it cut and glued. But to the emotional problems, I'm a procrastinator. I'm also quite bored so rather than doing my school work I was on facebook, bored, and looking at Blue's pictures. It may seem stalkery, I don't care if I'm called one if someone saw me person to person my size would deter them from picking on me before they got to know me, but I always look at her and one other girl's pictures when I'm bored. But anyways I'm looking through her wall posts this time and then I see one where I was tagged in it. She's holding a panda and looking beautiful as ever and I just felt warm and tingly inside. I experienced the same chest pains along with a tightness of my whole ribcage I experience whenever deeply enthroned in a depression. But it was warm memories and honestly feeling touched. I was tagged because she wanted a pandahat and I'm like, ok I'm getting you a pandahat for Christmas. I don't give a fuck what you say, you're getting a pandahat. She found a stuffed panda and took a picture with it, posted it, and tagged me. It's these moments where I'm just like I hate my life because I have to love her. She has a boyfriend too so I really, REALLY, need to back off. I have but it doesn't mean I feel any better. I feel worse. The longing just builds up inside and then when I see something like that picture of her and the panda, I cry. Yea, I cry. I just started tearing up from just seeing the picture. I was about to comment I love you too, but as I said I have to back off. Now I'm even afraid to talk to her on facebook because of how much I fucked up. She and I aren't going to be able to talk the same for awhile. Until then I'll probably be stuck wallowing in my depression and misery alone as I normally do. I don't want help from people, it's something I face alone. Good night world.

Happy Happy Birthday

So yesterday I didn't post just because I was highly tired and not in the mood to post. Else I would have mentioned that my brother turned 18 on Friday. Now I find this as a momentous occasion because he and I both hate my parents and living at my house. It doesn't mean that he's going to move out right away, he has school to go to so he wouldn't be able to manage balancing a job with it. But he will be graduating this year and if he decides to he may be going to community college for 2-4 years before going to UVA or VT. This is very important to me because I'm going to be turning 16 next year and when I do I'm going to go job hunting right away. I can apply at a grocery store near my school that my friend works at, or I could apply at a Dunkin Donuts where I know some people. That's literally it, I wanna work where I know people. Now if I don't have any other choice I'll work with random strangers, I can easily make new friends. Anyways, knowing my brother he'd move out the first chance he got. If he enrolls in community college he'll be able to work his job full time and make a good wage. Matched with the job I'd maintain after school with atleast 3 hours a day, hopefully, I'd be able to provide fine. My idea is that if he decides to go to community college I'll get a job, work hard, and move in with him during the summer. Just need to get my parents to approve or get court approval. I'd prefer the first option because then my brother isn't considered responsible for me, my parents are. It is quite the momentous occasion. I hope you now understand that.

Meh

No nothing to say, overslept and missed the time bindings.

Wow, Another One

I picked up the shards of my broken life

A broken window turned to a knife

My head held high while my face glistened white

With the world around me I just stood and cried

The blood it ran fast down my arm

The shrapnel laid in but I felt no harm

The pain tasted sweet but sour at first

And yet still my heart it had burst

The walls turned to knives as it pierced from within

Every pain I felt was caused by my sin

The wrongs of my life I now suffer hard

I wish that I'd just get hit by a car

I wish that my life wasn't so large

I wish that I was the one in charge

But no I left my life to chance

And cause of that I felt romance

Love is the road to my happiness

Yet love causes pain which makes sadness

My passion burns bright and dazzles my peers

But it burns and hurts and sears

When the flame's gone out I'm left just bone

I'm left in this world all alone

With no one to love and cherish and hold

I'll stay lonely til' I grow old

The life I feel I've wasted is gone

The only thing left is this song

For when I'm dead my words will last

They will tell the future my past

I don't really feel like explaining this one so interpret it however you wish.

The Shard In My Window

I punched my window and it left a crack

Then my brother punched it and it hit him back

It scraped his hands and cut his knuckles

He just wrapped it up and left with chuckles

But I left the crack and let it grow

Every year progress would show

My window is like a spiderweb

When the picture's done we're all dead

The pressure gets to me and my heart explodes

Maybe then I'll wish I sold my soul

Give up happiness for the easy life

Fucking every night cause I'd have paid the price

But no I ain't like that, I'll let the crack grow

No, I ain't like that I won't be a hoe

I'll work for what I want and be respected for it

Rather than tell people to suck my dick

My crack it's growing from the pressure I've built

I'll let it grow and wait until

I need a repair and find my fix

It'll be a girl else I lay in a ditch

But until then the crack lives on

Spreading everywhere as I spit this song

For those inquiring the picture is a painting I did in art where it's a radial design madeup of the shading and tinting of 3 analogous colors. After that I had to draw broken glass on it, which kinda fits with the song I just wrote. This song I'm not super proud of, there's points in it where the rhythm and syllables don't fit each other and it's like trying to mix Mexican and Chinese cooking which is hard to do. But it's got a message that I mean. The crack is meant to be the pressure I have in life. As you pile on more pressure the bigger the crack gets. My brother punching it also is because he bears some of the same burdens as I do. We HATE MY HOUSE. But while my brother lives with it more relaxed I will mourn and sit on it in private. I always prefer to smile in front of others and crying is something saved for private. And then the "When the picture's done we're all dead" is to say that when the stress buildups too much we die. There's those that decide to commit suicide, something I don't agree with but can't blame them sometimes, and there's those that die from a physical stress. The cracks in the window are built by both. It's been shown that mental and physical health correspond with each other. Like when you're depressed you have physical symptoms and when you're sick you show mental instability. Then talking about selling my soul is referencing to how some people prefer to just sit and take the easy life. Things such as rather than going to college you just stay home and fuck whatever moves and have a low pay job you don't work hard in. I don't get how it can be satisfying. Not to say that just because I don't understand it it's wrong though. The last part is the simplest one there is. I'm saying I'm not going to live into a ripe old age alone, I need someone to repair my cracks that have been made in the window.