Light It Up

So I've been thinking about it, and it's about time I made another video of me gloving. I put it off for so long because I was creatively stuck and couldn't generate new methods and flips. At this point, I can tut now. Not just finger tutting like before, but using arms and body. I also can do some digits, including digit tuts. I'd have a video for you people to watch now, but my elbow is currently highly screwed, as are my wrists. As always, my favorite mix is Blue and Green. I'd have said Red rather than Blue and Green but I screwed up my red set and the inners don't make it look like a fire as much as it has in the past. That's because I changed up the patterning. But, I do plan to make a fire set. Yellow tracers with orange and red mixed in. SkyBlue Lavender Hot Pink Candies. Red Yellow Pink Dops. Red Purple Pink Strobies. Just a crazy flare of fire. I did however pick out some dubstep songs to use when gloving. A nice, soft, mellow mix for my Blue and Green. A set that works well for liquid motions rather than hardcore impact, but there's fast spots where I can speed up to do my flails. I'd figure a way to work in my new tuts also. I just like how I listen to dubstep so often that I normally can tell when to expect a bass drop and a fast part. I tend to not even need dubstep most of the time, gloving to whatever music I'm listening to that I sputter and scat out as my own dub. My favorite hour long mix so far are the Best Dubstep Ever mixes by oNlineRXD. The mindfuck drops are especially nice because they fit with how I glove, besides me being able to strobe to it I can also do bassdrop moves. That's my usual music of choice now, dubstep. While I listen to rap and rock at school cause that's all I have on my phone, at home I normally have some mix by oNlineRXD playing in the background as I work or play Dota. Now please, without further ado. Enjoy "Filth".

And some supermixed version of The Fray's "You Found Me"

P.S. I still wanna give you a light show, and for those that think I'm talking to them unless you're her then you're wrong. I really hope she still reads this.

Just Call Me...Um...

So I've been busy trying to decide on a better glover name. While Mistodisapea sounds pretty chill, it's a mouth full. Fuckboi is a good name but it also sounds retarded, and I don't flip people off as much when I'm gloving. Now I've come across better ones, ones that are one syllable. I just honestly can't decide. Lets see first one is Blaze. Besides one of my favorite sets is a primarily red that I made on my Trinities and can never make again, one of my all time favorite dubs is Firepower by Datsik and I look like a burn victim with my custom mask on. Then there's my preferred one at the moment, Blink. Short and sweet. It relates back to my mask, but also because I tend to have a fast paced gloving style where when you blink you miss stuff. I've been working on changing that, incorporating more fluid and less impact and flips and flails and other things I tend to do really fast without thinking. Fluid can be done fast also, but it's best done slow. My next two are just because how my brother talks about my gloving. Squid or Ink. I do a lot of finger stuff where I wave them around in a wave or in other forms where it tends to look like tentacles. Ink goes there just because squids make ink, nothing real specific. I did finally program my gloves...again. I find the Oracles annoying as fuck to program with how much they compiled into one chip. Still glad I spent 100 bucks on it though. I let someone screw with the sets so I had to reprogram them. I went with my classic Red Green and Blue sets, then added in a white and rasta set. I find that the white set isn't the best made because I used warm white rather than white so it looks orange and milky. The rasta set only has the thumbs that resemble the rasta flag that well. I don't remember what I was thinking when I wrote it out in a facebook chat, so I didn't expect to get the prime that I made before. I even had my gloves out in class so I could show a friend the tracers. Knowing her she grabs one of the gloves and puts it on and is playing with it. Other people in the class are looking and when I said that they cost me 100 bucks they're just like, "He's joking right?" Well I wasn't. Thing is she, when I use she you should know who I mean and I won't bother to clarify, is in there cause it was French. I wanted to just walk up to her and just be like, hey I owe you a lightshow still. But, I'm not about to go up and bother her. I told her I'd only talk to her if it was important, and while gloving is of high value to me, she's not going to see it that way.

And um just saying, I would really REALLY appreciate comments from people. I get no feedback. I really would like some. Maybe even sympathy for my ideals or problems. Maybe a kindred spirit. Maybe someone to talk to.

I'M NOT SPONGEBOB

So if you don't understand the reference you had probably one of the shittiest childhoods ever if you're my age. Or you had bad college days if you're the age of my chem teacher. But, I finally managed to beat the stereotype that Asians should be kept off the road and passed learner's test. It seems like easy peasy shit, but this is something that I've put off a lot, like I turn sixteen in a few weeks put off. I could've had it the first time I tested but I decided I wasn't going to read the book and not know half the stuff I should. The second time? Well I was so tired I switched one of the answers I filled in around on the signs. You don't know how nervous I was waiting to take that damn test. I checked my answers maybe three times. Signs I checked thrice also. The rules of the road portion I made some pretty simple mistakes. I switched business and residential speed limits. I didn't know jack shit about driving and trying to pass a motorcycle. And I said it's everyone's responsibility to make sure a child is buckled up, rather than just the driver's. So some really retarded mistakes. I was even thinking "I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready" before I was taking the test. Of course, knowing the DMV, I had to wait an hour and by then I didn't feel so ready, more tired. So now I get to have four I.D.s 2 Student I.D.s, a Learner's, and my Walker I.D. A really old and funny one.

Blanks

I'm lost in thought but my mind flashes blanks
Fires in the dark but I'm stuck insane
The flare from the blast is nothing to see
It's all in my head I'm crazy but free
Free from this world but not from my mind
Running too fast so I can't tell the time
I only stand still just for a moment
And in those few seconds everything's morbid
Everything's dark, scary, and big
I tend to sit and think about what I did
But those thoughts trail off and I'm back to the start
My mind's flashing blanks, so I never travel far

My mind's just a road, a track with no end
Most people run but I'll walk til' I'm dead
No light at the end but a flare from a gun
I'd stare right at it cause I know that I'm done
I get lost in thought and shot back to life
I get stuck thinking if what I did was right
With my habit of running my mouth
I couldn't really tell when things went south

So my mind's flashing blanks but I can still see
I may be blinded but it's clear to me
Clear what to do even though I don't do it
Cause I'll say my words but not follow through it
The blanks paint a picture even though they're not there
The light that was left is leftover fear
The pain and disgust that I feel today
Is just from the blank that I fired away

Now as I said, on my bucket list is to record and make a mix tape. There's two problems with that, my "raps" are more of constant rambling with no repeated verse and sometimes they don't even tie together in the verse they're in. I could probably make a good set of songs though, somehow, only problem is I don't have any music to spit it to, much less proper equipment to record it. I could, no I should, talk to some people about getting my hands on that. Have someone mix a track or two for me. But eh, I'm still nervous as to what people I know may think, people that don't read this.

Well Today's Today

So, I haven't mentioned her as much on here in depth where she gets half the post, partly because she still reads this (I think), and partly because I didn't want to be a record on repeat spitting out the same verse. But today's her birthday. I was hoping that by now maybe she'd have come around and I'd have my best friend again. But as always, my low expectations come through. I'm weird in the fact that I'm an optimist as much as I'm a pessimist. I hope high and expect low. If anyone that actually pays attention to me here and doesn't just read to laugh at me, you should go to her page "Hipster Darth Vader" on Facebook and wish her a happy birthday. I hope things will eventually change back to how they used to be, but until then I don't know. I don't even know what I'd do if magically things changed back. Honestly I wish I was actually in a coma right now, and any moment I'm going to wakeup and it'll still be ninth grade before I started majorly screwing up. But that's me just letting my imagination wander. Most of the things that have occurred are too complex for my mind to conjure on it's own. Honestly, I'm referring to the videogames I've played, but whatever. I just hope things will change.

In Your Face

I've found myself to be a massive gloater. As you all know of my many material addictions one of my bigger ones is Dota, one that school has treated me for. Well, the heroes that I truly enjoy playing are the ones that I know I can gloat with the most when I'm winning. It's an effect of the low self esteem I've developed over the years, where anything that I excel in I have to make sure everyone knows it. At this point though, I actually tend to excel at a lot of things which makes me slowly hate myself more. I mean when I developed my self esteem problem I was fat, didn't have money that often, didn't have nice things in general. Only thing I had was how smart I was. I acted like this kid my friends and I refer to as a potato monkey, I always had to talk like I was the best even though I wasn't. Now I'm actually able to support my statements and things come naturally to me, why should I feel a need to brag? I was always so jealous of people then, I guess I had to make people feel jealous of me. But now? Well I only have a few things to be jealous of people for. A few weeks ago I'd have said their happiness, but now it's more their bliss. The fact that they manage to appear to stay at peace with everything around them and never get into conflict. Of course everyone is secretly fighting their own battles. But some just don't appear that way, I mean I don't appear that way outwardly either but I still get jealous of them. There's that saying that the person that seems to have things together the most has the most problems that s/he has to deal with. Like I see people that seem like they should be happier then anything, they have everything someone could want, but they're still unhappy. I'm not talking about those thankless little shits all over the internet that complain about getting the wrong colored phone and other pointless first world problems, not even first world more like spoiled shit problems, but I'm talking about the people that are polite, that do well in school, have a happy home, but still feel unfulfilled. They just seem at peace. Those people are the ones that I get jealous of. I may have some things now that I'm still relatively new to having, but it's human nature to want more.

Blacked Out

So I'm notorious for sleeping in class, but it's starting to change. Normally I slowly slip into my nighty night mode where I'm conscious and it slowly fades without me fighting it when it's in class. Now it's more of I knock out without the waking up sweating my ass off. I'll just have my head down, listening in class, I close my eyes and open them to someone telling me to wakeup. I don't even remember what was going on prior to my blackout. This is really bad for me because sleeping in Driver's Ed counts against me, seeing as I need a certain amount of hours in class. The thing is I value sleeping to a degree most people don't. It's not just because I don't get sleep at a regular pace as most, some days sleeping barely four hours while others almost the whole day, but because sleeping means dreaming. The most valuable thing to me besides camaraderie is expanding my mind. There's nothing better for expanding your mind than introspection into yourself. Now the best way to do that is meditate, because meditation promotes the development of images in your mind and a deeper level of thought. Now for me sleeping is like meditation. I have a deeper level of thought and dreams teach you a lot about yourself and your thoughts. There's what Plato preached saying that the better you understand yourself the better you understand others and I find that pretty accurate. It's part of why I changed the blog to "Delving Into A Shattered Psyche". Because that's literally what I've been doing the whole time. Speculating about the reality I've been forced to live in and my views on it. Then of course there's the moanings and rants about other random crap, but I actually have a good understanding of psychology. The most insane person will actually understand him/herself pretty well. My other major reason for sleeping is because it's the best escape I can find and when I wake up, I feel good. I have a smile on. I guess you could say I've developed an addiction to sleeping and whatever chemicals your brain produces while in that state. Probably melatonin. I'd say that my sleep habits aren't healthy though, but since when have I cared about that. I prefer to learn more about myself. It may even expand my lifespan by allowing my body to not have to work as much. I doubt that though. I do also try to control myself when it comes to my sleep habits, as in not be asleep in class. But I tend to be sleepy all the time now, so when I try to work I may screw up. I have the habit of saying the wrong thing or filling in the wrong bubble and other things of the sort, the sleepier I am. Despite that I actually have a clearer thought process and tend to be more on game all time. By more on game, I mean I tend to have better recall, not short term but long term. I prefer to be in my state of half asleepness mostly because then I can better think on what crosses my mind. I've reached such a masterful ability with sleeping that I can get rest by closing my eyes, I don't actually have to drift off most of the time. Just close my eyes and think, I feel less tired as it happens unless I'm really worn out.