Why? Just Why?

Have you ever had the feeling that you can understand anything, anyone... except yourself? That's how I end up feeling everyday. I can look at other people and have atleast a glimpse of why they act how they do, why they do what they do, but with me I can barely explain it except for the simple stuff. Take me growing out my hair for example. I started growing it out as a symbol of something that's dead now. That was the driving force, to help solidify my feelings, to remind me of how long it's been, etc etc. But why continue, when the initial reason is dead, doesn't apply anymore, didn't even apply well when I started growing it for that. I just hate when everyday the biggest thing on my mind is longing and remorse over the hole I dug and jumped into blindfolded. The biggest obstacle in my path his myself because I'm going to always dwell in what has happened, not what could happen next. I find it impossible to move past it, but I still feel ahead. I stopped sleeping in a ball. I stopped crying to sleep. I genuinely feel happy more often. But still. As I stated before, I feel like a Holden Caulfield. I even will repeat stuff over and over again through my pointless ramblings and moanings. I don't want to move on from things. I'm still the retarded internet person I was 2 years ago. I may not use this blog as much, and possibly improved in other things, but a lot of things are still the same or I've been quietly fighting with myself to keep it the same. Atleast I don't get disgusted with people for the wrong reason. Well there's no right reason to dislike someone. But, I found Holden is disgusted with people out of jealousy more than actually dislike. I just really wish I could even slightly understand my mannerisms and habits so I can move on easier.

My dad is a social terrorist
The psychologic theorist
He tries to fuck with you
You fight back he's feeling blue
He wants to be on top even though he scrapes the bottom
He tries to grab an ass and gets slapped, he's so unwanted
Take him out in public and then try to run away
He comes crawling back but in minutes now I'm gay
If he wants me to stay he really can't show it
Cause all this bullshit just stacks up and blows it
He's like a Stan Smith and apparently I'm Steve
But the only difference is that he should bow to me
I'm the adult cause he sure plays the child
Even his insults are feeling really mild
I got daddy probs but at least I can admit
I'm not on the street making money off my dick
I'm not slitting wrists, I'm not huffing shit
I'm tryna feel up even though I'm frowning
This life is a hard one but so are the others
Even so, I really want another
At least with two parents that act their age
Cause their egotistic narcissism gets overplayed

Don't get me on my mom cause I don't wanna ride it
But as the cow moos it's on a social diet
What it wants when it wants break that it's violent
Backs get broken and the crowd gets silent
Spectators watch they don't want none of that
They just watch the tantrum and they place their bets
People can't stand her and neither can I
Not just because her sight bleeds eyes
Not just because her mouth leaves lies
Not just because she makes babies cry
She values education and I think it's cause she needs it
But my brain don't need a shower and the schools don't teach shit
School is a joke that I find overplayed
It's like a daycare with a brainwashing phase
But I almost forgot this cow likes to bark
This bitch bites and left more than a mark
I ain't got time for chinks but this bitch thinks it is
I told her otherwise and now she's flippin shit
I gotta get it made so I can get outta here
But this house is a trap and I'm stuck ensnared

Now I move to me at the risk of my ego
At least I know my probs so I just border evil
But I can't value school not cause I feel above
It's cause of the shit down our throats that they shove
Still gots to succeed to keep the public happy
I'll talk illiterate to keep my child nappy
Don't wanna grow up but it's coming I've accepted
I'll just go with the flow cause I know I can't change it
Who the fuck thought to swim against the current
When it's easier when you flow along with it
You pick when to turn and paddle like a bitch
But that occasion's rare, at least for me that is
As I said earlier this life is hard
I can still dream but that dream falls apart
A natural need to not succeed with ambition lost on me
I only strive for my interest, I just want to be free

Run Forest Run

So even though I should make a post about Forest Gump and the type of message it portrays, this post is about me. I'll still talk about Forest Gump though, maybe, probably not. But anyways, I haven't mentioned it here yet but I'm on the track team. I used to make fun of track. Or atleast one kid that acted like he was badass just cause he was on track. Track's not so much a joke, but the kid is. I never knew if it was heckling or accurate but from what I heard he never showed up to practice and had to run an event, just cause they didn't have anyone else to run it. I already knew he's a bad runner, just from looking at him. He never maintains the fit, slimmed, but muscular body form that a runner would have. I got to that in about 4 weeks, he never got there because he didn't go to practice everytime. But track is actually hard work, even though it's full body the workout is really concentrated. With only three categories; Distance, Sprinters, and Field events, you get your ass worked. I even talked around and the Cross Country team has the hardest workout schedule in the school. But just damn, I got stuck in distance even though I'd prefer sprinting so at the end of practice, I need to just lay down and only move my upperbody all day. There's a few rules to pay note to though. First, no carbonated drinks unless you want a giant ass cramp under your rib cage. Second? Well, no acidic or greasy foods before practice unless you want it to go in reverse. Final? Make sure you perfectly relieve yourself before practice unless you want to wet yourself while running, or have an ass bomb. These are my personal rules, obviously from the last one. Seriously though, running with an ass full of shit turns it from a solid to a liquid. Back to talking about Distance though, I think I managed to show promise. Besides the fact the coaches only bitch at or pay attention to runners that they think can go somewhere, which happens to me a lot but I'm also a magnet to conflict with authority. But, we had a mock meet and they wanted me to run in it. They were going to pick two or three out of the 6 or 7 of us that ran. I ran a 500 and a 1000, but I cut out in both. I don't know what the hell was going on but I had a good start on the 1000 but then couldn't breath, and the 500 I just could barely walk. I wasn't in the shape for a mock meet that day. After that though they put sprinters in some distance events because only 2 of us were ready to compete in the first place. I'll touch down on Forest Gump tomorrow or something, pretty nice story if you ask me.

So To The New Year?

So today's New Year's Eve, what a great joy. If the sarcasm isn't obvious it's because I don't see it as much of a holiday. It celebrates people getting drunk off their ass, but also pledging to fix themselves. Now the pledging to fix themselves is something that shouldn't be holiday oriented. It should just come naturally rather than a calendar telling you to. There's also my deadening enthusiasm to post again. I found when I'm feeling happier, I'm less prone to post because I don't have a need to complain or moan about what's wrong with my life. I could always make happy posts, but I'm having more trouble doing that than I did when I began. I'd like to say my New Year's Resolution is, as usual, to go back to being the jolly fuck  I used to always be. Even though times change, my previous personality is one that I missed. Sometimes being a total asshole seems more appealing to me, less need to stomach the gut wrenching fucks I see at school, a lot easier to externalize anger and annoyance. Of course, I still enjoy things how they are, I don't want to be a dick to people more, I just want to be able to smile, be social, and not feel like the weird kid that belongs in the corner of a party cause he can't make good conversation with anyone. I'm slowly feeling like Holden Caulfield from The Catcher In The Rye due to my momentous disgust of society and my slow growth to being more anti-social along with it. But my other resolution, which helps with growth in the first one, is removing my thoughts of her. I've been trying hard as fuck and it takes forever to get any progress. But as long as I still ponder thoughts of her, I'm still going to always feel depressed. My favorite thing about school, my reason for ignoring homework and doing what I find interest in, it's because it distracts me. Reading a boring ass book or doing math problems leaves my mind time to wander until it settles on a subject. But, atleast I know I can purge myself of my problem eventually.

Let's Write a Book

Eyes blazed red not just from the rage
He's still stuck trying to write the next page
But the last chapter's so long and drawn out
It's become everything that the story's about
The readers keep interest but what of the author
His mind is in it but his heart's for another
He hates where he is and wants to get out
But every time he leaves it's on a roundabout
As he rounds the next turn his mind's still a blur
Distorted and twisted by the thoughts of her
The thoughts that he never seems to escape
Even in sleep he feels wide awake
The feelings that seem to haunt everyday
The urges that seem to never go away
Because all he knows is his own pain
He reciprocates actions almost the same
Suffers in silence with his thoughts feeling faint
Can't lift his madness but makes it rain
The author lives everyday deranged
Never to find an ease to his pain

I kinda like these verses I wrote, express a feeling I have. As stated earlier, I got reminded by the most unexpected person well you should be able to guess who it was. Literally just a casual hey which I responded to with a question mark. She even gave me advice on being an Admin, including a message to relay to another one on the page. But I knew whatever I got was temporary, when school starts back up I'm going to continue to avoid her, not look at her, not talk towards her. Not just because I doubt she wants any attention from me, but even though talking to her was like a nice breeze to the face on a hot day, it's more comparable to a heroin needle. I'd enjoy it for then but the pain from not being able to continue enjoying it will be unbearable, is unbearable. I started to feel duller, less wandering thoughts about her, less strikes in the back of my mind everytime anyone talked about her in a conversation I was part of. But her talking to me made me lose that progress. I doubt it'll last long though. I'll be back to how I was before she decided to grace me within a week or two. But hey, even though I hate those feelings it's nice to know they're still there.

An Admin's World

Oh god, I need to get back into this. It's been so long, I mean IT'S ALMOST BEEN A MONTH. But being a facebook admin isn't as fun as I thought it would, especially when you're feeling more socially introverted than usual. Not knowing what to say, losing your natural ability to entertain people that aren't right there in front of you, it's really saddening to me. So I had a nice start, getting a good amount of likes on each picture I posted on the page, but then I kinda got lost along the way. Either I started picking bad content, or I already picked all the good content. If that weren't bad enough, if I didn't say it in my reopening post, I'm hated on the page. Not overly hated, thank astral being, but I've been called a tumor. Well, someone told me if he had a tumor he'd name it after me, which made me feel honored. Like people being dickholes is one thing, but if it's to someone that they don't know, or is trying hard enough to do something for them, you know reviving a page that was dearly loved, it's fuckboy shit to be an ass to them. But hey, then again it's the internet and they have a mindset of anyone new is murder to the page. There was another kid that kept complaining on the page about how shitty it's become and how he'd do better. Cause he thinks just cause it's offensive it's good content. He got to being an admin, which shut him up, and he can shit post sometimes. One of his pictures which was horridly dull  got reported, an old 9/11 joke with an xbox achievement pulled up on it. It didn't get jack shit on it either, which annoyed me more. There's one thing to post something that's offensive and funny, but to post something offensive and more worn out than a prostitutes slot, well then what the fuck. I honestly don't care much about offensive content seeing as I have a very desensitized and diluted radar for finding things offensive, and am more just wary of others. I can thank one of my friends for that, he likes to say fucked up shit in private, which got reciprocated by someone I don't really enjoy that likes copying him, except it was out loud to his class. Like fuck, I'm from the internet. You see fucked up shit everywhere. There's just a few things that can get to me. Like someone calling their own sibling a retard, which I personally find offensive. I mean shit, that's your flesh and blood atleast use a nicer term. But whatever, I have posted my own semi-offensive content on it. Specifically about how Justin Beiber should kill himself to truly be the Kurt Cobain of this generation.

Here, Have An Update

So I was reminded by the most unlikely person about my abandonment of this blog, which leads to my apology to anyone that actually enjoyed the rants and ramblings I have here. I didn't abandon it much by choice but because I found the stuff I was saying was just repeating what I've already said, and in general it was quite bland and uninteresting. It saddens me how much I've lost my sense of humor and ability to interact with other people. But so, I have an update on my life for anyone that may care to read. First off, I'm an admin on Hipster Darth Vader and I haven't done the best job but an ok one. I'm still trying to find good content, but my sense of humor can differ greatly from others. My pictures are so hit and miss and about 75% of them will get a good amount of likes, while the rest barely scrape up 5. But hey, atleast I'm an admin. I'm only even an admin cause she decided to leave the page so I asked for admin when the person she gave it to was looking. He wanted me to be one earlier so I got it. Another update, I have started listening to more Hoodie Allen. There's also some OCD: Moosh and Twist that I listen to. Both pretty nice artists to listen to, OCD is a black white duo, which always manages to produce nice music. Umm what else. Oh, I got another glove set, yes another one. That makes my 3 eLite one, this one is again the newest ones, Chroma. The Oracles were nice, but the Chroma, oh god the Chroma. I haven't even programmed them and I'm already obsessed with them. I have another light up toy now as well, Podpoi. I still need to learn them though, they're a lot different from poing with gloves. First day I got them I hit myself in the face four or five times right off the bat. I'll try to get back to posting on here though. I just haven't had anything to say in awhile. My final update though, my hair is LONG. Not as long as my brother's used to be, sadly used to be. He shaved his hair which he's been growing for like a full year. But my hair turns out to curl, not super curly, but it has about 2 inch curves to it. I think, more like hope, it's just a few weeks from a ponytail. I've been growing it for awhile without the cut it so it grows faster technique. I really wanna get dreads, something a couple people have told me to do, but my hair is too slick. Whether I wash it or not it can't get braided that easily.