So I guess I haven't made a post post in awhile and just been posting lyrics. Believe me, I have a shit ton more banked and ready to post once I finish them also. I guess the reason that all I've had to post is lyrics is because one, I want to become a rapper one day and I think I could if I got a mixtape recorded and all that shit, and if I could pick a name and stick with it, and two, because I've been lost in thought and emotions and it's easier to say things that way. For me, that is brain vomit. Thoughts flow so much easier for me when they're flying from my fingers to the screen in a weird structure that sounds solid. So I guess I'll just use this post to update people. YES, I'VE INDULGED IN RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY. It's not that big of a deal though for anyone that may be thinking it is. I've quit anyways because I've lost my mind too many times this summer and not even half of it is because of that. I didn't even indulge much, maybe twice a week at the most. I'd like to say I've been on rebound for over a year now. It's impressive that I've been on rebound that long when I was never in a relationship to begin with. But, I can't help it if I fall for every person that I look at whether they're a guy or girl. Personally, I'm straight, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to show affection towards everything and everyone that walks by. Blue, Echo, Mr. Alers (She decided she's a boy now), whatever he/she/it wants to go by is still going to be stuck on my mind but she's not some vital part, as seen that I managed to live past a year without her. She at least said that all I do is wallow in my sadness but I do that when I'm by myself, which tends to happen a lot because it's easy to disregard me so I can't help but be a depressive, suicidal cunt. I can choose to be happy, but it's harder than it looks. Being around people brings out the smile that I like to share though, and if I couldn't smile when other people are around there'd be something to seriously be worried about. I miss her, a lot, and wish I didn't fuck up the way I did, but I also know that the past is the past and I should really be more worried about the present. I'm going to stay stubborn and think at one point she was as in love with me as I still am with her, and that my opinion still matters cause I called her a cunt and she pissed on me, but as what happens to a lot of people those feelings weren't acknowledged at the same time that I noticed mine, and so I ended up fucking myself. I get told by so many people that friends make the best spouses and it's because they do, but it's so hard to break away from the concept that being friends is more valuable that spouses. It's not, it's better to live in the moment. Who needs to think, thinking and planning fails. Follow your heart when it tells you that you want to hump the shit out of that other person and then hump their leg when you guys are done, because if you decide to ignore it for friendship that's you telling yourself it's not going to work out well. If it wasn't going to work out well, then how'd you guys even become friends? Your friends know you better than you know yourself, an external perspective is very important in an evaluation of yourself. On another note I got a job at Crackerbarrel as a busser/dishwasher. That means I'm not only making money but I've gotten introduced to another crowd of people, especially girls, that I can enjoy time with, and less time alone. I already got a thing for two girls at work specifically. One, sadly, has a boyfriend and I talk to her enough, not a shit ton to get super close and the whole entire, THE FRIENDSHIP IS WORTH MORE, Bullshit ensues. The other I think will say yes if, and when, I get a chance to ask her, and she's just beautiful. I know nothing about her, don't know her last name, don't know where she lives, don't know if she's single. I didn't even know what position she worked until halfway into my first week after training. I've only even had an actual conversation with her once, but one of my friends just mentioned me to her and he said she perked up so much. Whenever I pass by her she flashes that beautiful and subtle smile. I really want to ask her before I miss my chance and someone else notices what I do. But I'm nervous. Up until I got this job I could easily be considered a shut in, with no social skill, because of how my house was setup. I got all the bitch jobs. I know how to talk to girls, I know how to talk to people in general, but asking a girl out is different. I'm afraid of rejection and I'm not afraid to share it. Every girl I've been interested in rejected me pretty easily. I don't think it was just my bad choices I made pursuing them but I just didn't know how to pick the right girl. At this point though I learned I can't just blame myself but everyone involved is at fault. Not saying who's more at fault more but the blame doesn't just go in one place and I wish I realized that earlier. A good leader takes a little more of the blame and a little less of the credit, and no one even knows he's the leader. I think I might be a good leader. But back to the main focus of this rant at the moment. Like I said, she's BEAUTIFUL, that's really fucking intimidating. It doesn't make it hard to talk to her, but to ask her out is harder. Especially with my personal issues with rejection, and possible commitment, and imminent abandonment. I would love to imagine and live in a world where a relationship could last forever, but I know it wouldn't if it even got to that stage. If I don't manage to fuck it up somehow, then we'd end up drifting apart when I go off to college because I wouldn't be able to maintain a long-distance relationship. Well, I don't know that for sure just because I don't know what I'd be like then, but I'm pretty confident I'd find it hard and would give in before I should. In other news, I've had more than enough disputes with my mom and brother. They're family but that's it, they're just family to me now. I look up to my brother, and love him a shit ton but he just looks down on me. My mom? Well She's just like him minus as much of my affection. They're both narcissistic and too self-absorbed to care about anyone else in this house, and worn through more than enough chances. I'm not saying I'm anything special but everyone has a breaking point and I don't like to admit that I found mine with them. I'll eventually go back, but I"m going to give it more time than I usually do. I may seem a little cold but "The Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". You are probably familiar with the shorter and misinterpreted version. But it means that relationships you make in life are more important than the ones you're born into. You can't just excuse everything with, they're family, in fact you shouldn't let that stand because they're family. According to that saying, in the battle of nature vs nurture, well nurture wins. To me blood is family. Water can be blood too, but people can be neither also, and the only permanent thing is water. That doesn't mean you have to hold onto them and let them drag you down to drown though.

A writer a rapper a thinker a pleaser
A nigger a wigger a cracker a chink
I'm everything nothing everywhere now
I'll do it with a smile a frown and a wink
I'll talk and talk and everyone listens
But when things change I don't
An empath at heart but self-centered too
An oxymoronic fart

Everything's up and everything's down
The world's still going round
I'm the world's winner and loser
In my own right
Just listen, I need no crown

I love you I hate you
You disgust me
I praise you
Bitch bend over please
I'm thinking You're winking
Has more than just meaning
Now excuse me as I proceed

Everything's down and everything's up
Nobody's perfect we all fuck up
Mistakes get made
And plays get played
You just have to move on
Look to a new day

Dear me, stop being me
Go back to being who you think you want to be
Wait, that's wrong, but also, that's right
You make the choice cause I really can't decide
Would you just fucking make up your mind?
Rather than sitting thinking wasting my time?
One way or the other you're eventually fucked
So pick it now or later until then shut up

You reject your family now you reject yourself
You're a reject of rejects a reject can tell
But now you reflect to redo and relive
But no way, no one cares about what you think you give
You see yourself a giver but you look like a taker
Everyday you want to be real cause you feel faker
I guess I'll ramble to you later
Cause right now I'm talking to myself, later

5 parts bitter and 2 parts sweet
Sprinkle a smile and 3 parts meat
The recipe is for the annoyed human being
Or one way better, it's a recipe for me
Cause you fancy yourself a man
But you'll beg if you must
And you'd like to say it's love
But really you just wanna bust

A Wish

Everywhere I look there's a place that I wanna see
Everyone I see is someone I wanna be
Everyday I live, I live it waiting on you
I really wish it weren't true

My mind is a cage and you hold the fucking key
You should let me out but I don't think there's room for me
Everyday I spend, I spend it thinking of you
I really wish it weren't true

The liver leaking fools are the fools that I wanna be
Drinking everyday passing out in a fucking heap
Maybe through the haze I won't even think about you
I really wish that that's true

Gin and tonic, whiskey, rum and a shot of me
I'm puking out my words as I'm drinking without a fee
Even in the haze, I'm still stuck thinking of you
I really wish it weren't true



If you sing it to the rift in "(Can't Get My) Head Around You" it'll sound better, cause that's what I wrote it to.

No I Aint

Daddy didn't love me and mommy didn't care
But I guess they got to fucking cause I'm still standing here
A 200 month old fetus that slid from the ham's hock
With too many memories I've been trying hard to block
No more you, no more pain, no more zoned out fucking brain
No more mom no more dad but am I still sane

NO I AINT

Shouted my brain
NO I AINT

Cause I don't act plain
NO I AINT

Cause I recognize my pain
No I aint No I aint
But I'm gonna make it rain

I'm not original
I think my words are replayed
All my songs are similar
Cause all they are is pain
From my family to my girl probs it's all just the same
Just a moaning little whiner that gave up on praying

But NO I AINT

Imma do some shit about it
NO I AINT

Rather than moan about it
NO I AINT

I want to move past the pain
And get to the talking
That I do so much in vain

I may mock the world
But what's wrong is also right
Nothing's one or the other
It's a mix of both inside
I Hate it and Love it and Approve my Denial
You should write this shit down, I want it on my file