XXXHolic, No Not Addicted to Porn, I Hope Part 1

So no I'm not writing about some porn addiction or an addiction to jacking off but an anime that I've been watching. Now animes always have meanings and morals to them. If you're just a little kid you honestly learn a lot from watching Naruto, Dragonball, Bleach; they all teach the ideals of the authors. An ideal taught by Naruto is that you don't give up on people, no matter how much they change. Naruto never gave up on Sasuke and if no one gave up on Itachi he wouldn't have had such a bad reputation he recieved until his true motives were shown. Dragonball has countless ideals taught but my favorite one is that not everyone is as bad as they seem and they can change. If that didn't exist I wouldn't have some of the friends I have now and the ones I had then might not still be my friends. Bleach is one that I like a lot, it teaches perseverance. If you don't give up on what you want you'll eventually get it. Of course that's not always true but when it involves other people it's different. I've persevered with girls that I've liked and one of them eventually said yes. But I felt like shit because I practically just pressured her by always bringing it up. I kinda ended up trying that with someone else and now I feel like shit cause I kept acting like a douche and now she won't talk to me. Or when she does I know she's just sitting there thinking, why the fuck is this asshole talking to me. But, if perseverance doesn't involved changing someone's feelings and emotions then it should eventually bring you to your goal. Now XXXHolic is a show/manga about a highschooler that has supernatural experiences. I was watching the 17th episode and one of my favorite philosophies in life was brought up. The world is always at balance, where there's a good there's just as great an evil. Every thing you get in life comes with a price. The price thing is something that's themed throughout it because the lady the highschooler ends up working for charges for something of equal value for what she does. It's been a long philosophy in life for me and it's caused me to be a skeptic of any happiness I receive. There is a reason why I prefer to be melancholy, just as depressed as I am euphoric the way it levels preferably mid range. Because when I get happy I already know that something just as bad will come to fuck with me. It's all that I end up thinking of when something nice happens and I guess when something nice happens for me and I don't make a notion of it that's when I will truly keep my happiness. But when I start to realize it I've doomed myself. It's like the more you expect something to happen the more likely it is to happen. Newton's third law, every action has an equal and opposite reaction, doesn't just apply to physics. It honestly applies to the world. I've joked with friends saying stuff like grabbing a girl's boobs turns you on just as much as it turns them on. In a technical sense it's true but it doesn't keep you from getting slapped. But it's a philosophy I feel to live by. It shows that as long as you're the same person when you fell in true love, not some thing like OH MY MOTHERFUCKING GAWD! THAT GIRL IS BEAUTIFUL AS FUCK!, and the person you fell for is the same that you are liked back and the both of you are in love. But I can't say that will ever apply to me. I change more than a radio on survey mode or whatever it's called where it goes through each channel until you pick what you want. Of course that does happen with me. I change about every week until I hit something I like, and I stay for a month or so, but then I end up going back to surveying. It kinda shows because while I'm changing I can write better. But then when I settle in I have nothing to write about, it's just the person I decided to stay as for awhile. Of course when I say it's something I like it's not intentional. It's not like I just sit one day and think, I'm happy with who I am right now so I'll stay. It's something my subconscious picks. But when I've settled I'm more restless, I'm less lazy, forgetful, a worse writer, and indecisive as fuck. When I'm changing I end up jumping from liking a girl to a girl. Of course there's always 1 or 2 that I've continued to like for awhile through those changes but that has nothing to do with it. They're girls that I fell for at that time but never stayed settled. The jumping is me trying to forget my feelings for them so that the pain in my heart dissolves into a nothingness. But now I've gotten worried because in all honestly I can't tell whether I'm interested in them for them or because it's a redirected feeling. When I go after a girl that's just pretty it's because I need to drown out my pain and just want to forget and experience what I call a fake happiness for awhile. The reason why I call it a fake happiness is because deep down I'm just sad but don't want to acknowledge it. I can't say I know myself the best though. Delved from the fourth episode it's best to have other people know you than to try to know yourself. It talks about divining your own future and fate and that's what it is. If you truly know yourself you know your future just because you know who you'll make friends with and what you'll end up doing. But if you know what will happen you take the fun and point out of life with everything that happens being pre-anticipated. I have 2 people at this point that I cans say truly know me and anticipate my actions even with my random changes in self. No they aren't my parents, I barely interact with them and it's caused my depression to further just because they don't know I am. They never know I am and I prefer for them not to know. It's too late for things to change with them because at this point I've stopped liking them. I don't dislike my mom but my dad I highly dislike. So because I've already written enough to be about 2 of my usual posts I'm going to finish this tomorrow in a part 2 so as not to bore you peoples. If I forget I forget but I'll eventually remember it.