Life Goals

Oh how time passes by. It must've been confusing for Khronos or whoever the fuck controls, interprets, divines time. Seconds become minutes, minutes become hours, hours become a fucking day, and that day eventually is a year, both coming and going. It was a month or so ago that I asked her to cut me off, four or so months since my hedonism was forced to a halt, and it'll be days that I might be cut off from the general population. How time passes by, it was only a month ago that I sent in my college applications, and it'll be another few weeks before I take the tests that help define my money being well spent. In about twelve hours I'll have my first college interview, them not even having my test scores makes me feel confident, but that I don't really care too much for the school life, that makes me apprehensive. It's been a week since I finished a song, it's been half a year since I recorded one, it's been a month since I talked to my main producer, but that's what I'd rather do. In about sixty hours I'll be sitting in court for not the first, but the fifth of many times to come, waiting for my life to be decided, but do I even deserve to live the life I want is what I question sometimes. What happened four or so months ago, that spurned a routine that I've dreaded ever since it was born, has haunted me ever since. Has scared me ever since. Has marked me with what may be lurking, waiting to seize control. In this time I've also been cut off from most prior friends my age, and been cut off from most social interaction with those my age. Not to say I miss it much, I always preferred discussions with older crowds, but I yearn to be a dumbass again, to fuck around and laugh about it when it's over. Sometimes I wonder if those that still bother to talk to me resent me, did I tag them with my mark, and those that left if they miss me, if they've ever looked back. I guess I shouldn't look back either, what's done is done, this man has been made, and will burn for his crimes. Whether that's carried out by a court or my peers, I've yet to find out, and may never know for the latter. But what do I have to show? The three months I spent receiving "treatment?" The clean urine that I supposedly should be proud of? I'm not the one to decide but I feel I've more than served my penitence, that horrid place was worse than JDC, and I had to ask to stand up there. Maybe because I didn't feel lied to, and felt safer there. The only enjoyable month of the three was the second, and even that is tarnished. Any friends I made there I've yet to continue talking to, despite a few attempts. One of them was shot, and is now dead, increasing the count of people I feel I personally knew, that are now dead, to two. The only new friends I've made and continue to talk to are online, that I've never met in person, and except for one I find them to be asswipes. This is the life I've been reduced to. Even more I've been left to dreams that are impossible to interpret well, some of which I've had before. I'm eighteen and I got heart examinations because my body feels broken. I had a dream which implied death, even though I thought it was mine it might've been my friend, or my life as I knew it. I had a dream that led to me talking to a girl that I find fake, pretentious, and imposing, and used to have a crush on. Of course that light was relit, despite my disgust with her persona, possibly because I always have felt a draw towards girls with low self-esteem, an aspect of my darker side. When I was in JDC I had dreams of my father, every night, and I'd wake up not knowing where I was, having to remember everyday that I fucked up, remember everyday that I can't sleep in my own bed anymore and I don't deserve to. Most of all though, I've had dreams as if I was on the same cocktail that put me in this position, people didn't speak but words came out of their mouths, I'd wakeup feeling as if I ate a handful of muscle relaxers, I'd wakeup remembering that this is the reality that I live in now. These next few weeks will decide what the next few years will be. Will I be in college, in jail, at home, or on the road, or in a new existence entirely. I won't know for awhile, and despite hopes, my expectations are dirt low. I haven't hit rockbottom, I'm still floating on the waves, but sometimes that sandbar makes me think it's closer than it is. Fear has been such a foreign concept to me for a long time, but I now know what fear is. Fear that my life won't be mine for much longer. If I do go away, I feel like I'll never come back, mentally or physically. That feeling deep inside, that the inner animal just wants to bark and howl, but gets muzzled. When that muzzle breaks, I'm done. I'll rot for life.

Schemin

Wake up in the morning feeling wasted as fuck
I roll back my hair as I pull in my gut
Not just hungover more like hung out to dry
And I cry, tears are nothing to this bitch
Don't look out for me best look out for yourself
Stop tryna intrude, better fuck off or else
I take on the pain fuck the pills man I'm out
Throw me in the washer as I tumble through town
Talking to a wall but

You Think You Know What's Best For Me Well Then You Best Go Fuck Yourself
Imma Do This Shit Differently Cause I'm Different From Everyone Else
You Think You Know What's Best For Me Well Then You Best Go Fuck Yourself
Imma Do This Shit Differently Differently Do It Differently

Really I'm stuck lounging, Scheming up a plan
Tryna plot a death that befits a good man
Imma steal it from him, plan the wake myself
Disappear for now like a book on the shelf
Boxing the mirror busy with my games
Playing blood knuckles cause I don't feel the pain
Picking out the glass as I'm picking up a pipe
Painting a picture of ever single night

Haven't lived long enough to be a real rapper
Risked some time in the slammer
Labeled with a problem but no answer yet
Receiving treatment when there's nothing wrong? Yes
I been holding onto problems past ninety nine
I'm under eightteen but I know the grind
I'm just here to do my time
Imma rhyme rhyme rhyme
Ascend new circles, and commit new crimes
As my spit comes out like slime
If you need one, here's your sign
That I'm different, but not dead
A little fucked up in the head
But fuck it, who isn't

You Think You Know What's Best For Me Well Then You Best Go Fuck Yourself
Imma Do This Shit Differently Cause I'm Different From Everyone Else
You Think You Know What's Best For Me Well Then You Best Go Fuck Yourself
Imma Do This Shit Differently Cause I'm Different From Everyone Else

Bitch I'm B LAZ E, not just lazy
Feeling kinda hazy as I blaze
Mind's like a maze with no map
This game's got no rulebook to rap
No tutorial, no scenario, no definite success
But Imma keep trying and do my best
Not in it for commercial success I'm in it for me
Try and hold me down, I got the keys, and I'm free

To Schemin by contrary

Lounging, straight relaxing
Dropped me a dime, sorry but no taxes
My world got knocked off its axis
But they're knocked on their asses
Highschoolers these days, what the fuck
Saying there's no remorse, what the fuck
I did the crime, did the time, why punish me more
Cause I ain't crying why show me the door
You think you got it all figured out
S'posed to be my friends but don't know what I'm about
Not a sociopath, psychopath, I'm on my own path
And I'm out

I was alone with you, fuck the pack
Where's the crew, what were you, get a smack
Violence ain't the answer but you didn't ask questions
Yal jumped to assume your assumptions
I ain't fucked up, dried up since that day
I stayed inside when I coulda been out partying
The blood of the covenant's thicker than the water of the womb
We supposed to be fam but I guess that isn't true

I was made an example, you got to go home
I slept in a cell, you couldn't pick up the phone
Throughout the ordeal I'm stuck worried about you
Guess my thoughts were wasted, and our standing's the proof
Go through what I did and try to be bright
Not an easy task, but it wasn't to spite
Not about to cry about mistakes of the past
They ain't happening again cause I'm back on my path

I guess our path's don't intersect
You're just another insect
Find you underfoot the next time we pass
Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, guess I crashed
I'm not giving you a chance if you want one
Wiped my hands clean of you having a problem
Not my fault how you feel today
I grew up already, it's your turn kiddy


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnFJe-Q4TRw