From Better To Worse

So I'd like to say prior to her dancing into my life for a split second earlier this school year I was making a lot of progress towards the not gonna moan and groan and just move on method. I was pretty content, my Dota game was up then too which really reflects my true peace with myself. Cause if I can't play well it's cause I'm too busy somewhere else in my mind, same thing with running. Before she decided to check up on me, I had managed to have clear thoughts and all that nice shit that doesn't last long for me. After though, I went back to spending nights drifting off wishing I hadn't screwed up cause then I'd have her to talk to, to fall in love with every time I talk to her. I can't fathom trying to fix things with her though. Besides going from "I was abandoned for a couple of months" to "friends" or anything of the like being pretty hard, I also trust myself to behave just as much as I trust her to stay when I misbehave. I guess that's how life fucks you, everything has to be two steps forward and one step back or else it's not really life.

In case you're reading this, I'm not blaming you for where I'm at now. It was my own hole I dug that I jumped into willingly, and I didn't have to answer your "Hey" either.

A Buzzcut?

So I had an odd dream last night. Only thing I actually remember from it was talking to some blond chick I've never seen in real life, only in dreams, that said she'd be willing to go out with me if I shaved my head. Now obviously if this chick's been dancing in my dreams lately I probably have a crush on her cause well she's pretty and cute and that's a serious weakness for me and probably most other guys. I don't even remember her that well, just that she was blond. No dialogue, nothing. But, the dream's effect was strong enough that when I wokeup I was about to shave my damn head. So I ended up thinking about it, including the realization that it was just a dream, and thought if girls would like how I looked with my head shaved. I'm not desperate enough to actually shave my head and hope it works, but curiosity is a bitch. I do however think some girls like the long hair. Then again, it's probably because I let them play with it. But there's this one chick that told me to get dreads, along with every now and then asking me when I'm shaving my head. But for now I'm gonna grow it out until I can personally tie it into a ponytail. Then wait for it to become too much of a hassle and annoyance, and then I'll shave it down. Leave probably about half a centimeter on my head like I'd do last year every two weeks.

Bullshit

I sit back and watch as the world changes
Chillin contemplating but I'm just complaining
This cynical critic's just a fucking dick
That's gotten fed up with the world's bullshit

Straight from the cow to the mouth of the masses
The shit doesn't end it just grows and amasses
The smell it's so bad, that you're high on scat
You follow the order that's set down by brats

You're the sheep to the shepherd that lives as a wolf
He tells you he loves you and do as you're told
But granny's nice teeth are bared and sharp
When you're not looking he pulls your card
You're a pawn in the game where he is the king
You're given importance to die for that thing
But you're only disposable cause that's what you make it
You gotta start living where you matter not them
Cause first comes first but everyone's second
You gotta move ahead before you hit a dead end

Just as a warning my path's not right
The path that I paved tends to hide from the light
It leads to the darkness but gets brighter inside
A hood for the fire that brings the tide
The honesty policy's got me living lies
Is this who I am cause me and truth are pretty tight
Living the days with the bullshitter generals
It's hard to trust kids, priests, people in general

This Crazy Attraction

I find that the girls I normally crush on can appear to be insane to most, or at least senile to me. They're also normally girls I talk to enough, so I pretty much instantly friendzone myself and am looking for a relationship like Ron got with Kim. If you don't get that reference  I would like you to enjoy the ignorance because I'd rather not explain it. Yes I'm going to talk like a dick, and about myself and my problems today. Even though I normally talk about myself, or my ideas, this is going to appear more obnoxious. I'm making a premature Valentine's Day post out of expectation of my usual, forever alone. Last year I felt horrible and freaked out just because of it, and I don't even know why I'd do something like that. I guess it was just me wallowing in my distraught over her having someone while I get to be a loner. But back to my "Crazy Attraction". Aspects that are in common between the girls I normally go for are a horrid cocktail to take. Crazy, Close, Cute, Cute Butt, there's more but I'd have to delve more into similarities at the risk of feeling even shittier at the moment. I'm probably always going to be that person that's there, he always wants to get a certain girl but she's always out of reach, he always lands himself in the friendzone. He feels more alone than he truly is...

Lookin At A Pro

So as any avid viewer of my shitstains knows, I aspire a lot of things one of which is pro gamerhood. Now the goal is absurd, but most goals are. You achieve your goals because you persevere and when people laugh you just smile and tell them to go fuck themselves. Besides the fact one of my friend's work has MOBA tournaments and are intending to move to Dota or Heroes of Newerth (practically the same game) because of League being overplayed and overrated, I started playing ranked matches. I'm slightly more the 50% win rate, don't know exactly. I won my first 6 games but then we started getting iffy with them. Still no official team either, it's normally me and my brother and occasionally one of our friends. But a over 50% win rate is good. Over 60% means you're going somewhere. 80%? Well why aren't you a pro yet. Atleast in my opinion. On a scoring site called DotaBuff the average win rates on heroes are 45-55% so I'd say 60% win rate can be pretty rare. I do however have a brain for Dota which is important. My brother normally does the picking but it's with a strong input from me. As for the tournament, I still need to assemble a team. My brother's about to leave within a week or two because my dad is a asshole that's full of himself and my mom is well it's hard to describe her problems. Hard to describe my dad's too, but in short they're both self-centered stubborn egotistical social retards. I probably left out a lot there, but you get the idea. You'd get the idea if you read that other rap I wrote, of which I'm really proud. The one that smears them. Then again there's a few like that. But as far as I'm concerned my major obstacles are my missing out on notoriety, as in I haven't been noticed that well, only by those that play with me, and that I like to fuck around too much. I use douchebag builds too often, and tend to get obsessed with items often. By douchebag build I mean a build I make when winning where it's normally really absurd and crazy but works really well. Not always working well though. I do douchebag builds to test out ideas I have and change things around. If there's one thing important in Dota it's the ability to be flexible in the build, only three or four heroes don't have situational builds. I realize I've been using some jargon but I'd prefer you to figure out what I mean, not just out of being lazy but you'll understand it better if you learn it yourself. I can see it now. I enter the tournament with a 5 man team ready to murder. To my right is my bowl of noodles that comes as part of the entrance fee. To my left my coke and bag of chips. Then I get kicked out for too many retarded comments and jokes and overall decision to gloat.

Why? Just Why?

Have you ever had the feeling that you can understand anything, anyone... except yourself? That's how I end up feeling everyday. I can look at other people and have atleast a glimpse of why they act how they do, why they do what they do, but with me I can barely explain it except for the simple stuff. Take me growing out my hair for example. I started growing it out as a symbol of something that's dead now. That was the driving force, to help solidify my feelings, to remind me of how long it's been, etc etc. But why continue, when the initial reason is dead, doesn't apply anymore, didn't even apply well when I started growing it for that. I just hate when everyday the biggest thing on my mind is longing and remorse over the hole I dug and jumped into blindfolded. The biggest obstacle in my path his myself because I'm going to always dwell in what has happened, not what could happen next. I find it impossible to move past it, but I still feel ahead. I stopped sleeping in a ball. I stopped crying to sleep. I genuinely feel happy more often. But still. As I stated before, I feel like a Holden Caulfield. I even will repeat stuff over and over again through my pointless ramblings and moanings. I don't want to move on from things. I'm still the retarded internet person I was 2 years ago. I may not use this blog as much, and possibly improved in other things, but a lot of things are still the same or I've been quietly fighting with myself to keep it the same. Atleast I don't get disgusted with people for the wrong reason. Well there's no right reason to dislike someone. But, I found Holden is disgusted with people out of jealousy more than actually dislike. I just really wish I could even slightly understand my mannerisms and habits so I can move on easier.

My dad is a social terrorist
The psychologic theorist
He tries to fuck with you
You fight back he's feeling blue
He wants to be on top even though he scrapes the bottom
He tries to grab an ass and gets slapped, he's so unwanted
Take him out in public and then try to run away
He comes crawling back but in minutes now I'm gay
If he wants me to stay he really can't show it
Cause all this bullshit just stacks up and blows it
He's like a Stan Smith and apparently I'm Steve
But the only difference is that he should bow to me
I'm the adult cause he sure plays the child
Even his insults are feeling really mild
I got daddy probs but at least I can admit
I'm not on the street making money off my dick
I'm not slitting wrists, I'm not huffing shit
I'm tryna feel up even though I'm frowning
This life is a hard one but so are the others
Even so, I really want another
At least with two parents that act their age
Cause their egotistic narcissism gets overplayed

Don't get me on my mom cause I don't wanna ride it
But as the cow moos it's on a social diet
What it wants when it wants break that it's violent
Backs get broken and the crowd gets silent
Spectators watch they don't want none of that
They just watch the tantrum and they place their bets
People can't stand her and neither can I
Not just because her sight bleeds eyes
Not just because her mouth leaves lies
Not just because she makes babies cry
She values education and I think it's cause she needs it
But my brain don't need a shower and the schools don't teach shit
School is a joke that I find overplayed
It's like a daycare with a brainwashing phase
But I almost forgot this cow likes to bark
This bitch bites and left more than a mark
I ain't got time for chinks but this bitch thinks it is
I told her otherwise and now she's flippin shit
I gotta get it made so I can get outta here
But this house is a trap and I'm stuck ensnared

Now I move to me at the risk of my ego
At least I know my probs so I just border evil
But I can't value school not cause I feel above
It's cause of the shit down our throats that they shove
Still gots to succeed to keep the public happy
I'll talk illiterate to keep my child nappy
Don't wanna grow up but it's coming I've accepted
I'll just go with the flow cause I know I can't change it
Who the fuck thought to swim against the current
When it's easier when you flow along with it
You pick when to turn and paddle like a bitch
But that occasion's rare, at least for me that is
As I said earlier this life is hard
I can still dream but that dream falls apart
A natural need to not succeed with ambition lost on me
I only strive for my interest, I just want to be free