The tension exceeds me as nothing can please me
My value on life degrades
A life on my own's not a life all alone
But boring as fuck I say
As thoughts outrun bullets my outlook gets duller
The holes in my head disappear
But the mind on it's own can be very prone
To make some new holes appear

Out of these holes pour juices of ages
The wine that the gods sip upon
But this wine has gone sour
As has my mood
As I look at all I've done wrong

I'm conscious of conscience
But not willing to listen
Why would I for it is a joke
My conscience isn't conscious
Of the burden I bear
A burden I bear all alone

A right for the wrong but no wrong is undone
Nor neither the rights will be judged
For rewards are spare as are my fucks
The time for those thoughts is long gone

Now listen young guppy
Don't listen to me
For I shout the thoughts of the mad
Just watch my mistakes
And learn and take
Because I've been a boy very bad

I feel proud of this lyric. Yes I properly used the term lyric to not refer to words intended for a song. Of course when I was walking in school and thought the first line I did intend to write something a lot more different from it. But back to my mad rant. And um, despite my positive tone in this piece of writing I have been in a shitty mood lately so don't mistake me to be positive. My favorite unit every year in English class is Poetry. Not because I can show off the depth of my being, something I prefer to keep private to myself, I only at least try to display it here because anyone that I know that I know reads this already has that type of understanding of me in that way, I think. I don't think any of my peeps actually still read it because it's been a shitstain scrap for so long. Anyways, I can share it with you guys cause you don't know me, if I even still have readers, which allows me to reveal my inner and deeper thoughts. Back to poetry though. I enjoy it because surprisingly I don't enjoy that level of deep thought when it's associated with me. I'm normally lost in it which irks me uncontrollably. But when I think and interpret other people's work I can't help but enjoy it. It gives me insight into my own problems that helps me sort them out, as well as provides me with something to think about that won't negatively affect me, most of the time. A lot of the music I listen to, which I see as poetry with music which allows you to add more emotion and effect to it, tends to be more centered around my moods and unconsciously dictated by more inner thoughts. But poetry class allows me simple expression as well. It focuses my word vomit which I find interesting. In an assignment I write what I think and it naturally has a rhythm and flow to it that I don't really pick out. Shit like typing it up is different where I spend time thinking on it. Well even when I think on it the word choice I normally use it just bizzare. The biggest problem is that I don't really know what I'm writing and I look back at it and explain it to myself. I find it's my way of talking to myself the only true way I know how. The lyric above me though? I truly love it just because of the riddlistic flow that I used where it makes me feel like there's some old man, yoda like person talking to me rather than, well, me. And as I said, my writing is normally word vomit, which surprises me because of it being put together as it is. And what I am happy about a lot is what I used in the third stanza, an epanodo. That's where you take a phrase, "I'm conscious of my conscience" and repeat it back but reversed, "My conscience isn't conscious". It's used in raps occasionally and another example is in "Smells Like Teen Spirit" where Kurt Cobain says "I found it hard, it was hard to find". I even added in a yoda line, the last line.

Diluded Delusions

So I've started to think back on my past self a lot lately. Especially with the gossip that I tend to hear every now and then it tends to make me think back on the past in general. Being the crazy storyteller I am, I do often look back to the retarded mishaps I've allowed myself to get into. Not to sound egotistical but I've always been a being of high intelligence, but I found I was a lot more deluded then which is why whenever I think back on myself I find myself stupider and stupider. Not to say I'm not deluded now, I'm quite sure I'm really deluded now and just know it because delusions are natural mental creations that your mind will strive to maintain. But to go with the concept of ignorance bringing bliss, I was happier then. If I'm not as deluded as I was then, I really wish I was. At least I was happy then, now most things are kind of a daze to me, even memories of the past year are fleeting. I enjoyed the delirium that I had, that should label me as insane but kept me sane. But maybe it's good that I can see a little better through the haze, maybe it won't benefit me knowingly because right now I feel miserable. And no, this isn't related to my dad's death. To be honest, despite it being bad to speak ill of the dead, my dad was a piece of shit who treated me like shit. Even though he strived for my attention and affection, obvious from some of the ways he acted, the person I came to know was a  douchebag. There's not better way to say it, but after his death I thought back on things more to realize he did care for me, he just didn't know how to show it sometimes.

Just Wave Goodbye

So...last night my dad passed. I can't say he was a great father to me, but he wasn't a shitty one either. He tended to treat me like crap but I learned that he just as much yearned for my attention. I feel bad about how I'd look towards him a lot and that our last few encounters were more negative than positive. But last night was horrible in the sense that it took him awhile to die. I couldn't even stand staying there to see it out. I left after he slid into a coma that wouldn't last long. Just all the fuckin machines and watching them pump into and out of him, but not doing anything but just making it easier on him. It was tragic. They took out his breathing tube so he could say his own farewell and he could only gurgle. He'd just gurgle with his eyes bugged out and where I couldn't tell if he knew he was trying to say something or it was just his body seizing up. When I left I could barely say anything. I just didn't want to be awake. I wanted to be out there in a reality where things didn't always end fucky. But, he's fought for the time he had and he suffered long enough. I feel glad that he's dead, because now he's at peace. No more pain and agony for him. No more troubles of the material plain.

The Funny Man

So has anyone ever wondered why someone as ladykilling as myself is always single? In case you fucks couldn't tell that was highly sarcastic and yes I might be talking derogatorily frequently. Well it's simple really. It's because being funny only can get me so far. I have moderate looks if I say so myself, but conversation wise I can't hold one that easily. That's always been my social awkwardness, I can make people laugh as much as I want because being a fool is a specialty of mine that I value a lot. But when the laughs run out so do the people to talk to. Even with  my guy friends I'll find sometimes I don't have anything to say and neither do they. I used to always have some entertaining story that formed the conversation, and it just popped in so smoothly. Now it's just like. *Minute 1*...*Minute 2*...*Opens mouth for Minute 3*... etc until I find something interesting to say. Only maybe three guys I always have something to say. In class it's different, I can almost always run my mouth just because I'm in a totally different mood. But the reason I've never really tried to go past being friends with chicks is mostly because I know that once the jokes run out so do their interest. I mean there's other reasons, you guys probably thought that anyways, but that's a big ones. Some of the other big ones people could probably list though. One being that person that's remained as a thought that restrains me from what I do around other people sometimes, out of fear. There's also my general disgust for about 90% of the population of Virginia. Yea, that's a real deal breaker. But oh well, I'll eventually find something to call a girlfriend. *Que jackoff jokes*

From Better To Worse

So I'd like to say prior to her dancing into my life for a split second earlier this school year I was making a lot of progress towards the not gonna moan and groan and just move on method. I was pretty content, my Dota game was up then too which really reflects my true peace with myself. Cause if I can't play well it's cause I'm too busy somewhere else in my mind, same thing with running. Before she decided to check up on me, I had managed to have clear thoughts and all that nice shit that doesn't last long for me. After though, I went back to spending nights drifting off wishing I hadn't screwed up cause then I'd have her to talk to, to fall in love with every time I talk to her. I can't fathom trying to fix things with her though. Besides going from "I was abandoned for a couple of months" to "friends" or anything of the like being pretty hard, I also trust myself to behave just as much as I trust her to stay when I misbehave. I guess that's how life fucks you, everything has to be two steps forward and one step back or else it's not really life.

In case you're reading this, I'm not blaming you for where I'm at now. It was my own hole I dug that I jumped into willingly, and I didn't have to answer your "Hey" either.

A Buzzcut?

So I had an odd dream last night. Only thing I actually remember from it was talking to some blond chick I've never seen in real life, only in dreams, that said she'd be willing to go out with me if I shaved my head. Now obviously if this chick's been dancing in my dreams lately I probably have a crush on her cause well she's pretty and cute and that's a serious weakness for me and probably most other guys. I don't even remember her that well, just that she was blond. No dialogue, nothing. But, the dream's effect was strong enough that when I wokeup I was about to shave my damn head. So I ended up thinking about it, including the realization that it was just a dream, and thought if girls would like how I looked with my head shaved. I'm not desperate enough to actually shave my head and hope it works, but curiosity is a bitch. I do however think some girls like the long hair. Then again, it's probably because I let them play with it. But there's this one chick that told me to get dreads, along with every now and then asking me when I'm shaving my head. But for now I'm gonna grow it out until I can personally tie it into a ponytail. Then wait for it to become too much of a hassle and annoyance, and then I'll shave it down. Leave probably about half a centimeter on my head like I'd do last year every two weeks.

Bullshit

I sit back and watch as the world changes
Chillin contemplating but I'm just complaining
This cynical critic's just a fucking dick
That's gotten fed up with the world's bullshit

Straight from the cow to the mouth of the masses
The shit doesn't end it just grows and amasses
The smell it's so bad, that you're high on scat
You follow the order that's set down by brats

You're the sheep to the shepherd that lives as a wolf
He tells you he loves you and do as you're told
But granny's nice teeth are bared and sharp
When you're not looking he pulls your card
You're a pawn in the game where he is the king
You're given importance to die for that thing
But you're only disposable cause that's what you make it
You gotta start living where you matter not them
Cause first comes first but everyone's second
You gotta move ahead before you hit a dead end

Just as a warning my path's not right
The path that I paved tends to hide from the light
It leads to the darkness but gets brighter inside
A hood for the fire that brings the tide
The honesty policy's got me living lies
Is this who I am cause me and truth are pretty tight
Living the days with the bullshitter generals
It's hard to trust kids, priests, people in general