I'm sitting in a room busy staring at the wall
No words to my lips no worries at all
I can't say I'm sorry but I'm busy with the wrong
I got things on my mind, nothing to this song
Nothing on my thoughts that should matter here
Cept I can't kick back and crack a beer
Can't puff on the smoke like I used to
You know I was hazy back then
Never had a sober day past ten, give me a week
Now I'm sober 2 months, pass the tree
I ain't nothing special, I ain't nothing good
I'm just loving life, the only way I should
You say drugs are bad, why waste your mind?
I say that you're sad, you're only wasting time
You don't know where to speak from but the shit that you're fed
Gorging on the meals payed by government bread
I'm an independent thinker, artist, mind, body, sold
I ain't looking for the deal that you offered me
Just tryna eek out an existence
I'm looking for the truth that's been buried deep
But you broke my shovel and then threw it at me
Can't break my spirit, that shit's fucking gold
Imma be searching til I'm ninety years old
Excuse the bloody handshake, I had nothing else to use
Imma sit here, accusing you
Of ignorance, you're bliss exists
I'm not gonna hear what you're saying
When it's regurgitated from the lips of the man
I'm a king in my court, you're a pawn in his plan
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Friday, October 9, 2015
Smoke a blunt feeling lazy
Bout to be a little hazy
Wake up feeling more than wasted
The red pill's worse than the syntax
I'm sitting here, tryna be a real rapper
Tryna tell my shit but keep it good like it matters
I be talking slang, gibber, fuck grammar
Everyday that passes I get happier and sadder
Realizing what they think of me, It's hard to swallow but better
I'm chokin on my words as my face is getting redder
Gotta bust out my highlighter now, better get to work
The last year of my life is coming soon for what it's worth
When I wave bye to my friends what will I be
A god a demon a boy a man or is it in between
Don't know what I'm doing just sitting here
Reliving my memories as I shed a tear
Year eighteen is coming in a couple of months
Bout to be an adult but I still live with my mom
Bout to say fuck the vote, when I should run
Enlisted in the draft but fuck the gun
These supposed to be the best years of my life
But I feel like they passing away way too fast
T.V. always said two wrongs don't make a right
So why waste my time on a second chance
Bout to be a little hazy
Wake up feeling more than wasted
The red pill's worse than the syntax
I'm sitting here, tryna be a real rapper
Tryna tell my shit but keep it good like it matters
I be talking slang, gibber, fuck grammar
Everyday that passes I get happier and sadder
Realizing what they think of me, It's hard to swallow but better
I'm chokin on my words as my face is getting redder
Gotta bust out my highlighter now, better get to work
The last year of my life is coming soon for what it's worth
When I wave bye to my friends what will I be
A god a demon a boy a man or is it in between
Don't know what I'm doing just sitting here
Reliving my memories as I shed a tear
Year eighteen is coming in a couple of months
Bout to be an adult but I still live with my mom
Bout to say fuck the vote, when I should run
Enlisted in the draft but fuck the gun
These supposed to be the best years of my life
But I feel like they passing away way too fast
T.V. always said two wrongs don't make a right
So why waste my time on a second chance
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Dear flower of any other name
I'm terribly sorry to say what I say
To feel what I feel, to see what I see
To only see you being with me
To remember the times that didn't exist
It's tortuous , temptuous, tumultuous, taught
I wish for the past to be present again
I feel like I'm dead but I haven't began
To see a new light, to feel the sun's rays
I run to hello but there's price to pay
Left to wait, day and night on repeat
For that magical magical magical ping
Yet I fucked it up, oh sadly it's true
All because all I could think of was you
I'm terribly sorry to say what I say
To feel what I feel, to see what I see
To only see you being with me
To remember the times that didn't exist
It's tortuous , temptuous, tumultuous, taught
I wish for the past to be present again
I feel like I'm dead but I haven't began
To see a new light, to feel the sun's rays
I run to hello but there's price to pay
Left to wait, day and night on repeat
For that magical magical magical ping
Yet I fucked it up, oh sadly it's true
All because all I could think of was you
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
I can only say sorry for the thoughts that I think
I can't help but make a kiss from a wink
To be honest with myself you're bad for me
Not too good, not best, if it's platonically
Romance is one thing, but taunting's another
You know how I feel when you choose to call me brother
Not lover, never will, what would I ever be
I understand that you don't see me
Maybe that's best, at the most not bad
I just remember the days, the months, I spent sad
I don't want to go back, I didn't intend to
You know who I am you know I'm no fool
Don't expect me to sit here waiting like a dog
Although I still do, it's cause you're still my god
Thank god I stopped praying, I'd be wasting my time
Prayers unanswered and thoughts too divine
A heart that's still beating but removed from my chest
Displayed in a case and reworked to beat best
Am I your treasure or curse or both
Rebel at heart but I'll do as I'm told
I can't help but make a kiss from a wink
To be honest with myself you're bad for me
Not too good, not best, if it's platonically
Romance is one thing, but taunting's another
You know how I feel when you choose to call me brother
Not lover, never will, what would I ever be
I understand that you don't see me
Maybe that's best, at the most not bad
I just remember the days, the months, I spent sad
I don't want to go back, I didn't intend to
You know who I am you know I'm no fool
Don't expect me to sit here waiting like a dog
Although I still do, it's cause you're still my god
Thank god I stopped praying, I'd be wasting my time
Prayers unanswered and thoughts too divine
A heart that's still beating but removed from my chest
Displayed in a case and reworked to beat best
Am I your treasure or curse or both
Rebel at heart but I'll do as I'm told
Friday, July 24, 2015
Return to Whence You Came
"Happines in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know" -Ernest Hemingway
They say happiness is a state of mind, a choice. Being happy isn't something that happens, it's something you consciously are. While that's good and all, sometimes it's easy to forget that you have a choice, or as everyone always experiences, there's a point in life where you feel like you lost control of your life, and thus there's no such thing as a choice, only a condition, a path left to travel despite the many forks in the road, it's just too dark to see. I've been talking to her lately. She unblocked me and messaged me out of the blue, as is expected, and said she wanted to move past any bad blood we might've had. I whole heartedly took it, knowing what was inevitable, that she wanted things to be platonic, not romantic. Shit I shouldn't even be calling her a her, it's a he, she identifies as a he, and is the only dude as of yet that I've ever been gay for. Leave it to me to momentarily forget where I stand with her, as nothing, whenever I talk to her. She's worse than any other drug because she's the one I got addicted to, there's nothing more unique than the feeling you get when you talk to that one person that's got your heart in a chokehold and likes to squeeze. I told her that too, I told her that I think she's bad for me, practically told her she's poison, and she is. But per my path of self-destruction it was also inevitable for me to commit emotional suicide as well. I may feel on top of the world when I talk to her, but I also feel six feed under hell when I'm done. Not comparable to the comedown from molly, no. More comparable to the feeling one probably gets after doing heroin for the first time, going off of what I'd feel like after eating more painkillers than the serving size. I can't believe I let myself get deluded yet again. She has this uncanny ability you know, I'll forget about her, it takes awhile, then right away she appears from the mist and reminds me what I wanted to forget. I think she does it on purpose, gets some sick enjoyment out of it because she knows she has me on some leash that's ten inches shorter than my throat's diameter. Says she wants to be friends again, but then also will remind me of the past without me bringing anything up to warrant it. Atleast that's what I was told when I asked why, why waste her time with me of all people, why talk to me when she knows where I'm headed, why bother when I'm going to become a tumor the way things go, the way they always go. The thing is, following that conversation I felt like I was the one in control for once, even though in any proper type of relationship there shouldn't be a power struggle. There was a ground established that I could stand on, I told her I wouldn't bother her unless I was fucked up, and to hit me up whenever she felt like it. I actually could've been, but as always I threw it out. A few days later I get fucked up, I tell her I miss her, explain how crazy I feel about her, even said something along the lines of,"Let's make a deal, when we grow up and you become a man, I'll become a woman and we get married". That's not the person she wanted to see, and I'm pretty sure earlier she didn't really care much either. Like I said, I felt toyed with, that's what it sounded like. I'm there to talk to when she's bored, according to her she only has two friends. I'm a convenience and a cheap source of entertainment, get teased like a dog with a ball. But after that night wherever I stood didn't exist anymore, because she said she didn't want to talk to me when I'm high, I say I'm always high, I don't have to be on drugs, and she said she doesn't think she wants to be friends again. As constantly said, wouldn't surprise me if she didn't care earlier either, but it's better the way things are. I even told her about a failed attempt last year and after telling her it confirmed she didn't care. She said shes glad i didn't and when I asked why she said it's cause she'd feel guilty. Besides her having the esteem to think it was just about her, it shows how she thinks. She only talked to me out of guilt and probably pity, she didn't want both sides of me, she just wanted the dumbass, not the sensitive one also .
I may want to talk to her, I may thirst for that attention from her, but it's better that I don't get any. At least I hope it is.
They say happiness is a state of mind, a choice. Being happy isn't something that happens, it's something you consciously are. While that's good and all, sometimes it's easy to forget that you have a choice, or as everyone always experiences, there's a point in life where you feel like you lost control of your life, and thus there's no such thing as a choice, only a condition, a path left to travel despite the many forks in the road, it's just too dark to see. I've been talking to her lately. She unblocked me and messaged me out of the blue, as is expected, and said she wanted to move past any bad blood we might've had. I whole heartedly took it, knowing what was inevitable, that she wanted things to be platonic, not romantic. Shit I shouldn't even be calling her a her, it's a he, she identifies as a he, and is the only dude as of yet that I've ever been gay for. Leave it to me to momentarily forget where I stand with her, as nothing, whenever I talk to her. She's worse than any other drug because she's the one I got addicted to, there's nothing more unique than the feeling you get when you talk to that one person that's got your heart in a chokehold and likes to squeeze. I told her that too, I told her that I think she's bad for me, practically told her she's poison, and she is. But per my path of self-destruction it was also inevitable for me to commit emotional suicide as well. I may feel on top of the world when I talk to her, but I also feel six feed under hell when I'm done. Not comparable to the comedown from molly, no. More comparable to the feeling one probably gets after doing heroin for the first time, going off of what I'd feel like after eating more painkillers than the serving size. I can't believe I let myself get deluded yet again. She has this uncanny ability you know, I'll forget about her, it takes awhile, then right away she appears from the mist and reminds me what I wanted to forget. I think she does it on purpose, gets some sick enjoyment out of it because she knows she has me on some leash that's ten inches shorter than my throat's diameter. Says she wants to be friends again, but then also will remind me of the past without me bringing anything up to warrant it. Atleast that's what I was told when I asked why, why waste her time with me of all people, why talk to me when she knows where I'm headed, why bother when I'm going to become a tumor the way things go, the way they always go. The thing is, following that conversation I felt like I was the one in control for once, even though in any proper type of relationship there shouldn't be a power struggle. There was a ground established that I could stand on, I told her I wouldn't bother her unless I was fucked up, and to hit me up whenever she felt like it. I actually could've been, but as always I threw it out. A few days later I get fucked up, I tell her I miss her, explain how crazy I feel about her, even said something along the lines of,"Let's make a deal, when we grow up and you become a man, I'll become a woman and we get married". That's not the person she wanted to see, and I'm pretty sure earlier she didn't really care much either. Like I said, I felt toyed with, that's what it sounded like. I'm there to talk to when she's bored, according to her she only has two friends. I'm a convenience and a cheap source of entertainment, get teased like a dog with a ball. But after that night wherever I stood didn't exist anymore, because she said she didn't want to talk to me when I'm high, I say I'm always high, I don't have to be on drugs, and she said she doesn't think she wants to be friends again. As constantly said, wouldn't surprise me if she didn't care earlier either, but it's better the way things are. I even told her about a failed attempt last year and after telling her it confirmed she didn't care. She said shes glad i didn't and when I asked why she said it's cause she'd feel guilty. Besides her having the esteem to think it was just about her, it shows how she thinks. She only talked to me out of guilt and probably pity, she didn't want both sides of me, she just wanted the dumbass, not the sensitive one also .
I may want to talk to her, I may thirst for that attention from her, but it's better that I don't get any. At least I hope it is.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Shaded
People forget while I'm the big reminder
People move on while I live where life's timeless
People change while me? A line's more dynamic
I may be well rounded but the titanic I captain
Self-condemnation as my blood get's saturated
The pills, the masturbation, the momentum activated
The signs I try to read but I might as well be dyslexic
I see the trouble coming, but do I run? No I test it
I've heard of blind faith, but being blind is just different
Tired of sitting here, asking for direction
I don't know where I'm going so I'm off to meet a message
Maker says hello and I tell him death's a blessing
Try and take a minute to have a conversation
Ask him where he's been and ask him where I'm headed
He just stands there so I list off my positives
I'm funny, I can write, I can talk, I can listen
I'm a leader among leaders but secretly a sheep
I can stand strong as much as I can curl up and weep
I care to say hello because to the world you're just another
But in my blind eyes you're a world I've never been
There's more to faith than confidence where you're going
Just as I see blind that my mind's not all knowing
It's illusioned, deluded, dissecting every thought
Over complicated for my own good that I've wrought
A bird's just a bird, not feather wing and beak
A song's just a song, not a message to the weak
So I'll weep, sitting here in my room
Thinking up thoughts that I might say to you
I know the answers no but I can't help but try
My mind's been made up, whether you're girl or guy
Whether you're big or small, gaunt or well fed
I'm living for the day, tomorrow I could be dead
I don't know who this is for, I guess general public
Definitely not for you who thinks that it is
People move on while I live where life's timeless
People change while me? A line's more dynamic
I may be well rounded but the titanic I captain
Self-condemnation as my blood get's saturated
The pills, the masturbation, the momentum activated
The signs I try to read but I might as well be dyslexic
I see the trouble coming, but do I run? No I test it
I've heard of blind faith, but being blind is just different
Tired of sitting here, asking for direction
I don't know where I'm going so I'm off to meet a message
Maker says hello and I tell him death's a blessing
Try and take a minute to have a conversation
Ask him where he's been and ask him where I'm headed
He just stands there so I list off my positives
I'm funny, I can write, I can talk, I can listen
I'm a leader among leaders but secretly a sheep
I can stand strong as much as I can curl up and weep
I care to say hello because to the world you're just another
But in my blind eyes you're a world I've never been
There's more to faith than confidence where you're going
Just as I see blind that my mind's not all knowing
It's illusioned, deluded, dissecting every thought
Over complicated for my own good that I've wrought
A bird's just a bird, not feather wing and beak
A song's just a song, not a message to the weak
So I'll weep, sitting here in my room
Thinking up thoughts that I might say to you
I know the answers no but I can't help but try
My mind's been made up, whether you're girl or guy
Whether you're big or small, gaunt or well fed
I'm living for the day, tomorrow I could be dead
I don't know who this is for, I guess general public
Definitely not for you who thinks that it is
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