?

It's times like this that I start to question my faith in the universe. I've been good, rolled with all the blows I've been given, done what I can to spread positive vibes, and whatever I've gotten I've deserved. To me, we're all instruments of destiny and fate, and whether there's a god or not they too are only instruments, forces of nature and servants. Following graduation day things were still amazing. Graduation day was an amazing day, I felt like I was on molly and I ain't even touch that shit for a minute. Didn't get the bitch fight I expected with a counselor that was being a little pushy, talked up a girl on Tinder that was honestly a pot of gold to me, I'm talking a girl that I can say anything fucked up to and isn't a sheep. Other things on that list are I directed someone to where she could find a job, the same place I found a job, it made her day. I got props on my hair because having long hair puts you in a private club of dudes with long hair. Just a beautiful day. The next day I hear back from the staffing group I'm filed with and turns out I got a job that I make 120 at a day before taxes. Then, that's when it went downhill. Towards the end of talking to the girl I started acting more retarded as a result that I was also going on fumes, I hit the 24 mark about 2 before I stopped talking to her. The following days from Monday I tried to relight the conversation with her, and also apologize to her for my behavior. Of course, because I'm me and I actually really liked this girl off the bat, I overcorrected myself into shit. I'm hoping it's something stupid like her parents made her cut me off, but I doubt it. And then the job? Oh the job. I went into work, did a full shift, didn't take anymore breaks than what was offered, and felt fine on a muscular and skeletal level the next day. But, I also got sick the next day, pretty sure I got poisoning from the ink they used there because the whole next day I'm tasting and smelling it constantly. So of course I call in sick, which made me lose the job too. It's understandable, both situations are understandable. I did it to myself with the girl, and I could've toughed it out with the job too, but I didn't so again I did it to myself. While there'll always be other girls, and other jobs, you don't find a pot of gold everyday, every week, every month, every year, or probably even every decade. Maybe I'm just not ready for a girl, I still got damage from the stupid shit that's happened to me in the past four. I come off as a fucking psycho, part of why I have to act like a predator and look for women on Tinder, the worst place to find intelligent life if you ask me. I can't really pick a girl up in public, because I can tell you if I get her number I'll probably pester her til I'm blocked. As for the job? While it was easy work it was also long hours, hours I could've handled but seeing as I got poisoning ( again I think ) there I'd have been working myself into the hospital for when all of a sudden I collapse at work one day. The ONE TIME I could've helped my neighbor, who does so much for me, I can't though, that's what makes me mad. That was part of why I was so happy to get a job, because I could finally help him. But my path diverges like I'm Robert Frost, and I always take the one less traveled, not so much by choice. My true talent, the reason I know I'm lucky as fuck, the reason I know I'm blessed, is I always come in clutch, and I can create change like a bee makes honey. But, a bullet can hit it's target but still only make a dent.

I Know

I've known G's and I've known babies

I've known bitches I've known ladies

I've known kids and known adults

I've known men and I've known dolts

This year I graduate not a story to be told

It's the end of an era and everyone be bold

I've known love and I've known hate

I've known brothers and I've known bait

I know blood is thicker than water

But that saying's been known to be shorter

I know where I'm headed is greatness

My throne at the top has been fated

We really out here, well where else we be

I know this life is mine, not for anyone but me

I know what it's like not to be free

A new lease on life, no, I'm seeing through deceit

I know what it's like to be worthless

But I learned what it's like to be worth it

I wouldn't be here without my family

But that blood's a different blood than what you would think

Dear Future

Dropped a dime I dropped an ounce
Dropped a pound I dropped the town
Epidemic, I'm on that Galaxy yeah
I ain't going back cause I've been to hell
I ain't going back cause that shit is real
When you getting whipped and you getting sick
Rolling blackouts, now ain't that shit
Or is it
I gotta lay some prose for those
That still making stacks under the government's nose
It ain't that glamorous but who knows
You might make it big before ya pants hit the floor
Take it from me, I'm an adult
Living that life doesn't last when you're old
When you grow up you going to see
That those 10 years, fuck no, they weren't free

It takes a week to form a habit A lifetime to break it
My mom's is at the door but she ain't about to break in
A week to form a habit and you getting close to breaking
My mom's is at the door ain't about the life I'm making

I been in the hood, been in the street
Bent over walls, been up the creek
Did my time and searched to the feet
It's sad to say, I admitted defeat
Fuck the system that I lived in
And fuck the system that we living
Making a change is no difference
Get out of Dodge if you living
Fighting for peace, contradiction
Living to die is my mission
Working two jobs, an addiction
Always was highest off prescription
Never made cash that wasn't spent
Remember the past, hellbent
Had my bad bitches, content
But now I just pitch a tent

It takes a week to form a habit A lifetime to break it
My mom's is at the door but she ain't about to break in
A week to form a habit and you getting close to breaking
My mom's is at the door ain't about the life I'm making

I'm here to leave my past in my past to be present for my future
I never had a chance that I didn't pass for couture
I used to take bars, pop caps, never bust back
Never hit a lick but you know me when the car pass
Got fed up with the life I was living
Getting clocked in the head for a bill was a feeling
Never wanted straps but I got one for my safety
Didn't need the clip but I got one for my babies
Not a baby daddy more like a baby nanny
I'm saving for the future so no cash is spent on fanny
It's all about the family, not about the life
I'm shouting fuck the game while I'm carrying a knife
I'm shouting fuck you man while he beating on my brother
Never give a damn what you doing so don't bother
I reconciled time I shoulda spent with my mother
Invested in the future, that ain't my money it's for others

For Big Brother Leo

18 Years A Few Months and Some Change

18 years a few months and some change
That's all the time that I got to my name
And I just gotta say fore I pass out
I really can't stand where I'm at
18 years a few months and some change
That's all the time that I got to my name
And I just gotta say fore I pass out
I really can't stand where I'm at

18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain
18 years a few months and some change
I really can't believe that I lost my way

Momma never knows what I'm doing
I can't agree that she should
The direction that I'm headed is a sad one
And I can't really say what's good
I got 18 years few months and some change
I haven't made life worth living in those days
My room is a tomb, I won't leave a note
One day I'm gone, no story to be told

That's 18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain
18 years a few months and some change
I really can't believe that I lost my way

Give me a year I'll be back on track
Or will I just be dead
College, a job, a life with a girl
Or one in the chamber to the head
I don't know where I'm going
I really can't stand where I'm at
In 18 years few months and some change
The only thing I've been is a brat

18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain
18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain

18 years a few months and some change
That's all the time that I got to my name
And I just gotta say fore I pass out
I really can't stand where I'm at

To Regrets by Contrary

I choose to bear witness to the faults of my past
Forming the future's a fucked up test
Relay sympathies to anyone else
Debate relationships and hear what I tell
Take a stroll through hell with me
What else is there to do, what else is there for free
What else what else what else what else fuck it man
I'd rather sit here with my dick in my hand
I was supposed to go to college but I took a different path
I can't believe it but I'm following in his footsteps
No not really, but it appears so
When I'm not some fucking scholar but a bump in the road
I walk this path alone, not by choice and not by pleasure
I gave up my direction to see the world from my tether
The price I paid, this life I made
It's not worth the trouble and the toll it takes
The actions make the man, so I've met my maker
But Imma be something whether it's now or later
I need to explore, discover, have Gatling epiphanies
Advance in my age smoothly, no worries about me
But I can't, held in the past and the future
Can't appreciate the present I've been given
Too young for my time and too old for my age
Too many unnecessary clouds in the sky tonight
But Imma fight, that's the one thing I learned
Struggling's the will to live, and I bear the burns
Like Icarus I flew too high
But I'm flame retardant I can't lie
I'll recover, relapse, mistrial and die
I'm ready for the future but what does that imply

Dignity Isn't Always Everything

So lately I've been having conversations with a good friend about relationships, mostly about his situation with his special friend and my lack of anything with a certain someone. To me, one of the biggest things is balance in a relationship. Whether it's a romantic or we're friends there always has to be a balance. The give and take has to be fair, and no one person is the one in charge or in control. Taking turns initiating, conversations being about both people and not just one, that type of crap. That type of crap is also one of the things that I see as an obstacle right now because I still seek balance, but am starting to have trouble resisting the temptation of upsetting that balance. As I've said before, I had myself get blocked for my own good and so as to leave her/him/it alone. Prior to that I'd been the one initiating every conversation, and following being blocked for awhile I thought about hitting schlim up on another account, but that thought eventually faded. Of course, it returned later but it wasn't me that put the thought in my head. My other friend? Well he's getting somewhere, or atleast further than I, and he told me I should hit Blue up, talk about whatever news there might be in our personal lives, a blah blah blah. That kickstarted it, and the sad thing is I can hit her/him/it up. It's too easy, but I shouldn't. I need to leave it to schlim to hit me up so that at least I know I'm wanted in some way, or at least giving her the space she deserves. I asked her to block me, what type of person would that make me if I was the one that broke the silence. That's where the title comes in, does dignity really matter in this situation? I'd think it doesn't, it's a private situation between two people and however I embarrass myself shouldn't come into consideration. I don't feel like she'd share whatever is exchanged, verbally and implied, with other people, and even then what dignity do I have left to lose with her?him?it? But, the next question is it worth it. I know I'll be soaked in mental anguish following the conversation, I know I'll be euphoric during, I know it won't take me anywhere. I don't feel safe talking to it, when it's the only other person I've been able to bare myself to, but then again are they still that person? I did the usual, I flipped a coin on it, and this time I listened to the coin. Two tails right away. This flipping a coin thing though needs to stop, I gotta go with my heart on these types of decisions, even if my mind knows what might happen.

In The Time Of Chimpanzees I Was A Monkey

Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me.
For a song that was written full of nonsensical imagery, Loser is a timeless song. I remember listening to it back in fourth grade, and it still bangs. Even more though, it speaks lengths to me, despite it being nonsense. Beck even said that if he knew the song would blow up as it did he would've put in more work with the lyrics. But, fuck it you know, I'm a loser and proud. This next year should be different though, I hope it'll be different, because my lack of resolve and motivation is starting to be disturbing. I'm not demoralized, but I've slid back to the apathetic personality that's always defined me. Who the hell has to practice smiling on que, who the hell feels content but at the same time I'm not satisfied.This is going to be my summer of discontent because I get to watch people move on with their lives, while I'm stuck behind. Now, that's a smack to the face to many of my friends that are going to Nova, so I don't have to watch them leave, but at the same time they aren't my closest friends. Ok my ONE closest friend is leaving, something I would be doing too if I didn't make the one mistake that I've actually grown to regret. The dream's alive still, the dream of leaving this ratty ass town, the dream of being a great, but it's slowly dying as I sometimes feel I am. In a few years my friend that plays Dota with me will be considered an old man in Dota relativity. Now, there's pro players well over 25, but 25 is old in Dota years, as I think 35 is old in football years. You don't dull in old age, but you want to represent the brand well, and that's with young faces, not neckbeards and beer guts. Dota's changed so much since I started playing 4 years ago, as has my skill. While my playstyle is adaptable to what is now Dota, it's not best suited for it and needs to change along with it. Originally it was all about objectives in the game, Roshan, Towers, Barracks, and Throne. A game could be fast as hell if you had a good push team. Snowballs were common if you had all the T1s by 10 minutes and all the T2s by 20. And while people did that you'd have that one carry that farmed for those 30 minutes in the small chance that a push strat didn't pay off. But the question is, is that entertaining to watch? Hell no! No one wants to watch people farm for 30 minutes and at the end of the game the score is 9-15. They want to see a game that ends with the score in the 50s and up on both sides. So slowly, as all dota changes occur, they patched in transitions to focusing on fighting. All new items added emphasis on fighting, rather than pushing, and comeback mechanics have been added in to allow for a more entertaining game. As for other fronts? Don't have a booth to drop songs in, or any money to pay for beats from a dude that implied he'd give em to me for free. Getting a job? Possibly, also why I need to practice smiling, but it's a deadend job that is going to make me more pissed and annoyed. Apparel production? No money to kickstart it and even then, it's a gamble just buying the samples, with a high chance of being a wasted 100 bucks. Writing, well I've had writers block for a few months now, mostly because my memory is starting to get patchy so writing my book is a drag, especially since it's supposed to be my David Copperfield, but it's primary premise was supposed to be the influence of religion on someone. Which the beginning is, and the story as a whole is me attributing my rough upbringing to my dad being zealous and how it affected my relationship with him, and consequentially my outlooks and social abilities. But I digress, to me the future is bleak but still holds the potential that I've always seen, just many many setbacks.