Just a Habit

It's interesting how habitual a person can be. I chain vape a vaporizer not for the flavor or the absence of nicotine, but because I used to smoke whenever I was bored or depressed. I feel depressed this time of year because I always felt depressed this time of year since 8th grade. I don't even know why, it's just something that happens. I'm not feeling lonely, I've accepted my situation and decided on my own there's a reason I'm always single and in all honesty I doubt I really need that special someone to also hold me as that. However, there's nothing scarier than being clear minded and thinking about suicide just because life right now is boring. Life right now doesn't even feel like life. Things are seeming to kick off in a way, I finished my work on my mixtape that I'm finally going to make, Alan's In Wonderland. I just need to get some beats made for 6 or 7 of the songs, as well as record all 10. I'm starting to get my prelim sketches made for my t-shirt designs. I've even found a camera and setup an area to create gloving videos, meaning I also need to practice gloving and do constant gloving to the same song on repeat. Science fair for the most part is done too. I just need to go to states in a few weeks, and after that we're going to continue the project with the end goal of writing and publishing a paper on our research, which'll help put at least state colleges on lock if I apply to them, under the assumption I'd just spend my years there doing research under them or something. I gotta say I'd enjoy that life but it's not the most rewarding. Any revenue from the research goes to the institution, I'd only get reputation, and then go on to work for a company where whatever research I get done I don't even know what it's really for. Members of the scientific community don't normally get that much money. Money doesn't normally matter but I don't want to be dependent on a benefactor for my life either. I always had it thought out. If I don't make it as a rapper or an artist of any type I'd go to college and get a degree in chemistry, biochemistry, chemical engineering, something along those lines. Following my research years in college and hopefully the obtaining a PhD I'd go on to work in medicine and the industry of consumables. To be more specific, developing designer drugs and brewing techniques. There was also intent to create other consumables such as creating extracts to make e-juice with or anything related to cooking in general. Get a company that way, I don't know anything about most of those things though. I know how most drugs work, not how development works though. After whatever career I manage in the scientific field I'd retire as a teacher at a college, or maybe a high school, preferably a college. Or maybe by that time I'd have a set of recipes compiled in my head and can get a license and start a food truck. Back to the subject though. It's 1 in the morning, I just finished having fun, then I start watching world's greatest dad. When I see him find his son's body I just think about what it'd be like if I chose to hang myself, or slit my wrists, or anything of the like. I know my mother would freak the fuck out, that'd be the second loss in less than a year. My brother would be mortified, sometimes I feel like I'm one of his only hopes but he's grown distant lately. My friends wouldn't be surprised, considering my past of depression and my tendency to do whatever I care to, with total apathy at this point. On that point though, the friends I know on a personal level, the ones that I'd allow to refer to me with an affectionate or even pet my head, maybe they'd freak out. I know I'd leave an impact but not the biggest crater. Just the fact that I considered what it'd be like to die though. I think it'd be interesting, for the most part it wouldn't be as boring as this plane has been for the past few months. I'm swamped at Gov School, even if I get on top of my work. I'm risking getting kicked out again because I decided to blow off work in a class that a lot of people consider a joke. I should care, but I don't. Again, to let it sink in, I SHOULD CARE, BUT I DON'T. If I get kicked out I'll have more time to put into other pursuits, but I'm not confident in anything to do with it. Staying in Gov School for the most part will be rewarding as I see the crush everyday, one of the only reasons I even put in an effort to stay now, and that paper. That's a me move right there. I want to make a mark and then disappear. Of course I don't know how easy that'd be. This confidence that everything is as benefiting as it is damaging is as calming on me as it is reassuring that apathy is the best path. However, everyday I feel more and more sociopathic as a result, and to accompany it the lack of caring has led to me to be a broody, whiny, asswipe. The lack of caring has led to contemplation of things I refused to do before, and now having the answer be what's the harm? Why should I care what I give up if I"m going to get something equal in return? Even if it's my life, death is supposed to be just another trial, the door to the next step in transcendence, a way for me to advance to a new level of consciousness and ability. Death isn't something to be scared of, maybe I'd see my dad. I never got to say thank you to him anyways. He may have been a shit head but he worked as a buffer between my mom and me. Deep down I'm sure he cared a lot, just didn't know how to show it. The thing is though, I'm the most familiar with his malicious side. The only way I could see him now is if I were to do an out of body, and I wouldn't want to see him. Last time I saw him I was scared he wanted my body, and I'd be just as scared if it happened again. Me inducing death would be just as bad. My dad'll just have to wait for me to have that talk with him, hopefully it'll take awhile.