I've found it increasingly disturbing and disgusting, yet interesting, how easily I can become infatuated with another person. Be it that they're just cute, or their personality happens to be glowing, or just that they're a girl, I eventually gain a high level of infatuation with them. I even went so far as to ask a few people why girl's are so cute, and I got a good answer from one of them. It's because I'm a teenager and I know I'm attracted to girls so I find them attractive. Pretty straightforward, and so either it's the loneliness or the hormones that are starting to get to me. I read something and it indicated that what I'm suffering is classified as lust. Yes, that is correct, lust doesn't require the need to doink whatever is nearby. Apparently Spongebob embodies lust. Lust gets defined as "excessive love of others" which translates to that I've been an embodiment of lust considering my outlook on people in general, and the fact that I've fallen deeply in love with humanity itself. It just disturbs me.... I mean I've always been a loopy little fuck but I also always chose specific people to "lust" after, while this year it's more like every girl that I meet gets chosen. Sometimes I don't think it's even confined to girls, not saying that I daydream about blowing dudes, more like saying that sometimes I find dudes attractive as hell. I don't think there's a problem with that though, there really shouldn't be. I generally see beauty everywhere I look. When it comes to dudes I don't get a hard on the way girls give me a hard on, oh god the hard on. Don't even get me started on how fucking annoying a hard on has been lately. Normally I have enough exerted control over my body that when in public, unless I just woke up, I don't have a hard on. Now whether it's because I'm on the back end of a caffeine binge, otherwise known as going through withdrawal, and feel tired everywhere I go, or that I'm just getting deeper into the hole I don't remember stumbling into, now I find myself with boners as much as I find myself softer than clay. Take my weightlifting class. I normally have complete and utter control because I'm not going to be the dumb ass caught in his gym shorts with a hard on while a girls squatting, I looked in her direction, not even watching her squat.....and there it is. I didn't even realize it was there until I got on the bench press and quickly stood up and sat back down on the block where I was when I probably got it.
On another note related to the first note, this is probably the third note at this point, I have a new gameplan. Early in the school year I picked my targets. God, what an awful way to put it but that is practically what they ended up being, besides friends. Anyways, there were three, three is my lucky number, ironically it's an unlucky number in Chinese culture, but it's always been the lucky number of me and my brother. The first girl is the white girl that I made laugh in my English class. Didn't work out...we still talk every now and then and I definitely entertain her. Second one was a fox, in my definition of a fox that is, and she was in all my gov school classes. Really amazing in my opinion, also overly dedicated seeming to robotics, and most of all she lets a dark underlayer peek out every now and then which really REALLY intrigues me. Then the third girl, ah you know what they say, third times the charm, but also three strikes you're out. She was another fox, my 4th fox to date if I'm counting properly, I could consider her my third fox because I technically knew who she was before I met the fox before her, but I didn't know of her as a fox until after I recognized the prior fox. Back to the subject though, she is amazing. We have semi-similar stories behind us, while she lives with less freedom and I live with freedom I had to fight for and establish, she's half white half black and I'm half white half asian, we both want to do stuff outside of college though, and lost a parent at an early age. Most importantly, both of us are self-dependent, in the sense that we didn't have a lot of parental influence as kids. While with me it was because my mom was always off visiting my dad, her dad was always out working. I don't even know how to describe how I feel towards her, just that I waited to ask her last because I was hoping the most that she'd say yes. Anyways, all three gave me nos. First one pretty much shrugged it off, while the other two gave me the "lets stay friends" answer. Third one though it felt different. But my plan was after I asked those three women, I'd take a break assuming that all three say no, which they did. By take a break I mean no more girl chasing until the summer. My new gameplan was start playing League to try and interact with one of my "new targets', again I hate using the term "target", which hasn't played out yet, and that hopefully over the summer there will be Gov School get togethers and I'll just slink up next to her and ask her then. Or any other girl that interests me for that matter.
I gotta be honest I don't even know what it means to be in a relationship. If I were to be in a relationship with #3 then it would be purely over the internet because her dad doesn't want her to have a boyfriend. Shit wouldn't change is what I'm saying. If I were to be in a relationship with anyone else I don't know what I'd say, what I'd do, what means moving too fast, what means going too slow, etc etc. Too many fucking bylaws to abide by when it comes to a relationship and I don't know a single standard that's been established for my generation. My go to for asking a girl on a date is literally I take them to the Sweet Frog near my house and then we watch movies in my room until she has to go home. Probably listen to some music somewhere in there also. Just learn about each other. When I look back at that I don't think that'd even work. For following hanging out I envision myself literally just taking a nap with her like she's a fucking teddy bear, which I honestly think is a little screwed up. Who knows there might be a girl that'd be down for that. I don't care to screw. The possible responsibility that it entails, I'm not going to be ready for it for a long time.
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