"Loneliness I've held inside, felt and built from every stride
In this empty world I walk alone, even though I'm not on my own"
~Me
Yes I realize the douchebaggery in quoting myself but it's really relevant. And I started putting the quote from me on facebook too because I just realized, maybe people don't think I'm writing the deep, depressing, philosophical stuff I post there. But like seriously. It's going to sound retarded but all I really want right now is a girl that will hang out with me and let me hold her in my arms. I'm surrounded by friends, it's like charisma and just the fact that I know how to be funny. I just feel alone though, and the fucked up thing is I have people to talk to. I always have people to talk to and I do talk to them about my problems, but it just makes me feel even shittier. Like I was up this morning at 4 and ended up talking to a girl for 2 hours about feels and just problems in general. She gave me some golden advice that I've never received as of this morning, I need to play hard to get. She said I can't just go and compliment a girl and let her know I'm going to listen to her, they don't go for that. I have to act disinterested at points. But I can't fathom the idea of doing that. I consider it mean to not give someone the attention I feel they need. It's just my brain. I hate my brain. I'm a fucking genius but when it comes to a social situation I'm just the next retarded ignoramus. I can be deep and analyze stuff and figure out the meaning behind it, but I get confused by stuff that most people take for granted. Now I just feel a need to spread cheer, I can't stand the idea of someone being unhappy. I'm literally ignorant to the negative sides in a person. Even the negative appearance in a person. I can be critical of physical looks but I don't really care that much. It just takes forever for me to realize what's bad about a person. People take advantage of my naivety also. But being surrounded in friends doesn't help. Me having a deep conversation makes me feel just as bad about myself as when I'm sitting around to think about it. I don't notice what upsets me until I have time to think about it. Not even music will help because I just analyze it and realize a meaning in it that makes me feel sad. The happiest song has a dark side that I notice to it. When I don't see the dark side I just look up the lyrics and think about it if it's not already explained and it just makes me feel fucked. My life just feels pointless at points like this. I know that even though I can spread happiness in my immature, motivational, goofy way it never makes a dent in the true sadness that is the world. I don't want to sound like a douche but it's like a higher consciousness. I thought about it before and it's been shown that humans originally were beings of very high consciousness that normally spent their time on a different plain of existence and basically left their physical bodies on our plane. But it shows why there's the saying "Ignorance Is Bliss". It means that being unaware of your surroundings and what is really going on in this world means you never have anything to fear or worry about and you can just live life. The reason we've regressed to such a feral and unenlightened point in evolution is because our predecessors wanted us to be able to be happy. I just see the world as pain now, and I'll always be thinking about suicide but it's never something that I'll do. Even though I'm not making much of a dent in the despair felt in this world, me offing myself would only be a call for more trouble. And my friends that know I cry they don't think less of me for it. They understand my pain. And it's not some sobbing bawling brought on by having family problems or something. It's just the knowledge and realization of how fucked up reality is. I just have tears streaming down, tears of pain and agony that will always dwell in my soul, slowly eating away at it until I finally decide life isn't worth living. I used to always wonder why it was always the happier people that normally offed themselves. It's because the people that appear happier also have a much darker side. That darker side is why they act happy, they don't want others to have to deal with their problems. They want to spread the joy and happiness they wish they actually felt.
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