Decisions I can’t take back still last

I’m left distraught while others feel the backlash

Stuck in my head with a finger to my temple 

I pray I get better but I don’t know who to pray to

My thoughts and memories all twist together

I see many paths but what’s the bigger picture

Decisions I can’t take back still last

One thought leads to another leads to another til I crash

Scared of the day that there’s no one left

I need to let go of my fears and repent

Words and actions tell two different stories

One tells the intent one resolves any worries 

Decisions I can’t take back still last

I can’t keep focusing on what’s in the past

It’s never too late to do better, be better

Show I’m sincere and don’t need to write letters

I can’t do this again, I thought it was over

One day it will be if I can stick to my words

 I transcend life but I can’t beat death

Let the river flow when I lay my head

I transcend life but I can’t beat death

A dear friend that rarely visits

A shadow in the room, chills down my spine, who is it

I feel life when I don’t see death

My arms are heavy my knees are weak

I forget the feeling when I remember to eat

I enjoy life when I don’t feel death

My hair grays but it still shines

My light won’t go out like I’m divine 

I am life when I ignore death

I fear life so I don’t fear death

Living in a bubble thinking who’s next

I transcend life but I can’t beat death

Nostalgia and M&Ms

Saturday was a day that'll go down in my personal history for a long time. Not talking about some negative things that happened that day but the experience I got to share with my friends. I only have a few weeks left to make as many memories as I can with my soul brother before he goes off to better things, and Saturday was definite progress on that objective. While it wasn't every member of my usual chill crew, I wish it was, the nostalgia will never be lost on me. Not just because we haven't hung out like that in months, but because we won't in the near future. We laughed, we cried, we reminisced and relived old memories. Seeing them act the same way they did when we were in 9th grade almost made me cry. We've all grown a lot in the past four years, I've watched them change from being the most rowdy group of people to being adults, and seeing that we can still have a grand old time is nothing short of beautiful. I'm going to miss Chentos, The Lima Beaner, my brother and my friend. When he and I met I was full of myself and he was the guy that laughed at everything and we just clicked. You don't find many people like that in your life where you just know that there's never going to be something that causes you to split. He was my first friend at my new school, and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have some of the family I have now. In our circle he was the builder and I was the plaster, he was the one that got people to hang out with us and I was the one that got them to stay, and it's going to be different when he's gone because there's no hang out like hanging out with him. He and I are both one of a kind, we lean on each other like no other, and if it weren't for him I wouldn't have made it through the past four years. Every time I think about our bond though I think about that timeless song Handlebars by Flobots, especially the video. We both have set out to change the world, we both have qualities to change the world with, and if I had to guess I'd say in our past lives we were brothers by blood like Romulus and Remus, but not every story has a happy ending and theirs ended with fratricide. Anyone can do the wrong thing for the right reasons and lose sight of their true goals, and I've always felt I would be that. Ivan might not act innocent, but his soul is pure, mine's been tainted by greed and thirst for power in the past. I fear that we will cross paths again in 4 years and be two different people on two different sides, and neither of us will budge. But when that day comes we will greet each other with a hug not a fist, because we're brothers. I gave him a piece of my soul on Saturday and he's going to take good care of it, he'll always have me with him, so I don't have to worry about him missing me, and when I lose sight of myself I know he'll be there to remind me of who I am along with the rest of the family I've built in these past four years. The wolf pack, The Christmas Family, and RPPK, may we live long and prosper, and stay brothers in arms til death.

Bruh I'm An Artist

Ok, personally I consider myself an artist in a lot of ways, but I don't consider myself the "artist" type. When I use that term I mean those people that try to apply a science to their art. It can still look beautiful, it can still look amazing, but it's those people that make me want to shit myself in disgust. It's those same people that'll look down their nose at others that participate in a similar craft, you know why? Cause, these niggas be sophisticated yo, I mean they're straight deep with that line they drew, next to the other line, next to that BIG line that's at the bottom to fuck with your perception. I'll be upfront, I can be a music snob, but guess what? The same artists that I make fun of every now and then I also know for a fact make some sick shit. I listen to "unintelligent" music, I say it's unintelligent because half the time it's about the same content in hip hop, drugs sex and money. Guess what though? I can still appreciate that line that used some crazy wordplay, even if it's a played out content. Art is about expression, there's no right or wrong way there's only your way. Niggas these days be creating rules and criteria to judge art, when who the fuck has the right to do that? Some of you few readers that I don't have are probably wondering, why is he so heated right now? WHY RANDOMLY RANT? OBVIOUSLY I HAVE A REASON TO AND IT'S COMING! I was scrolling through facebook and saw a post by this guy in Art of Gloving. He's resharing a really good article to read on the gloving scene as of yet, but what he says with it is what got to me. He says gloving being mainstream is bad, that the newbies joining on make the scene look bad and do too many drugs. The way he worded it just struck me as, well, full of himself? snarky? narcissistic? Like I looked into this dude and he posts life feed Q and As that he does for about 15 minutes a piece that no one looks at, and he hasn't only done 2 or 3. Personally, I don't think drugs are the root of gloving like my friend Outlaw, but I do think they helped play a part. The gloving scene developed alongside or from the PLUR movement, it's another form of light/flow art. It has it's place in and outside of raves and festies, and could've been conceived by someone that never even touched a bowl or blunt, but I don't know Brian Lim. But, it's always been a favorite for potheads, for trippers, probably even for heroine addicts, in fact I knew a few that love that shit. Then, to say it makes the scene look bad, all the newbies, and the drugs. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TALK? AIN'T NOBODY FUCK WITH YOU BOY! And um also, that goes against what any art movement has, inclusion. It being mainstream benefits the scene, the more exposure it gets the less discrimination. Emazing and other companies wouldn't be able to stage gloving events without that exposure, there'd be more people getting told they should stop jacking off a ghost if the scene wasn't mainstream. There's pros and cons, but I personally prefer the scene's rise to mainstream. But, it's this type of shit that makes me mad. When someone says that there's a right way to do something with no rules, suggest criteria to be a practitioner in self expressions, that is disgusting. That is looking down your nose at people that never did anything wrong to you. That is putting yourself on an undeserved pedestal and when someone comes through and knocks you off, you're going to be wondering what you're doing on the floor not even realizing how close to the ground you already were. Hey look, I dunno, I'm not some pro, then again I don't think there's such thing as a pro when it comes to art, only fame.Oh and fuck hipsters, not the real hipsters that don't flaunt it, the ones that think they need to be on the cutting edge of shit, and that they're too good for anything everyone else has heard of, fucking genderqueer, I was the first to do this, man I'm the only this, a BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK. I could be the first person in my neighborhood to have a dad past age 5 but that doesn't make it special.

Excuses

I've always hated to hear excuses, and hated even more when I gave them. As time goes on though, I feel I make excuses to myself the most. An explanation for every single choice I've made against what I'd prefer. Mostly with girls though, I stand in my own way with girls. If I don't go overboard and scare them off I normally end up acting evasive as fuck. Especially now, where most people to pursue are also leaving to college, it's easy to make the excuse. Like FUCK man, I said I wouldn't go after a girl because she's vegan. The explanation? Well, I'd assume that if I were to date them they'd be hanging out with me often and I'd feel obligated to eat vegan when they're around, especially if I'm probably going to cook for them at one point. While it's true, it's definitely not a good reason. I could still eat normally when they aren't around and it's not like they're going to be moving in or something. It's weird for me, feeling scared of something. For the past four years I haven't felt genuine fear in a long time, and when I do it's not the fear of being alone, it's the fear of what I might do when I'm not alone. Especially since the beach incident, especially because of the vibes I've been getting, the images that've been smacking me, the flush of deja vu. I'd say Summer is my favorite season of the year, but it's got so much shit that happens to me around this time, between it being the time that my luck normally goes to shit and it being that time that forgotten dreams become reality, it's the worst time. It'd be nice to have someone though, but in the end will it even matter. I don't see where I'm going to be in a year, I don't even see where I'm going to be in a month. I need to register for community college, still waiting on my diploma in the mail, but I don't even know what classes I even want to take. There's obligatory classes of course, but even those I don't know. Like seriously, fuck math. I'm going to say it again, FUCK MATH. I gotta take a math class I couldn't give two shits about, I'm pretty sure. Science? That's easy, chemistry. But do I even still care about a career as a chemist? Then it's writing classes, philosophy classes, psychology classes, and art classes. Probably go for a class or two in music theory also, but again in the end is that what I really care to do? In two years I'm still going to be undecided, and in two years I'm still going to be going seemingly somewhere, but in reality nowhere. Chances are, I'm going to end up with some deskjob that sucks my soul out also, or some science career doing something that I'm actually against but need to make ends meet. I'm not going to get that life of adventure I've thirsted for for so long, that's what it feels like, and chances are that's what it will be.

I never knew god, I've only known me
I never had a friend to trust completely
My ideals, my troubles, my past and my pain
Locked up in a safe with the key thrown away
No worries, they're my secrets to hold
Fuck the Patriot Act, these thoughts were never told
My badge is a knockoff, didn't throw the cops off
Today's a big day but I want to go home
Lay down in bed and think all alone
But no, not today, not tomorrow
Put my head before the chopping block, slam time was borrowed
Now the debt has been paid, this man has been made
He's mentally chained to the wall
Don't know where he is, no one to call
He now knows how Prometheus felt
Prosecuted for his thoughts on right on wrong
But different from the god, I lost control
I wasn't myself and the beast took his toll
Look at me in my primal state and see
I'm what every man would think a bad man to be

Fingerscrossed, toes curled, skin crawling
Can't see the future yet, so no backwards head
Faced forward, my mind's not at ease
I did the crime, did some time, now to pay a fee
Not yet, but I want to be a Mandela
Bringing out change like a cash register
But I can't, if I have a record
Not tryna follow suit, but write the wrong letter
What am I a monkey? These clothes are too tight
Getting choked by the system and the tie
Over under, knotted and neat
Fuck that shit it's not for me
Fuck that system that I've been forced to be
Integrate the world but force equality
Force ignorance, but no bliss
I've been to the temple but didn't think this
Been in the system since day one
But I wasn't under eyes til year one
I want to leave this world with my shit done
But the corruption made clear can't be undone

Neverland

Never had no act, never had the crack
Never dropped the shit like I dropped a track
Never played the game that I knew was best
Never had a girl cause I'm scared of sex

Never never never never never never never
That's all I really say, just never never never
Well Neverland's here so come fly with me
I got a case of beer and half a G
I got a full tank of gas but no license
Never had the time to cop it, but I'm driving
Steering wheel, steer me in the right direction
Cause my hands off the wheel as I'm flexing

Never had no act, never had the crack
Never dropped the shit like I dropped a track
Never played the game that I knew was best
Never had a girl cause I'm scared of sex

What you gonna do when the cops come calling
Can't run forever when they know you balling
Captain Hook yo he ain't my problem
Just looking for Wendy and my calling
Not looking for bitches, they'll have me bawling
I'm looking for strange, yea that's my problem
I'm a wanderer now, and I heard she's here
Get off my ass to go cop a pair

Never had no act, never had the crack
Never dropped the shit like I dropped a track
Never played the game that I knew was best
Never had a girl cause I'm scared of sex

Never never never never never never never
Never had no time, never had no pleasure
Never was the shit, never had the bitch
Never copped a key like it was a ritz
Never got away from some waspy shit
Never been abandoned cause I'm all there is
Never owned the building or dropped the town
Never had a party with a birthday clown
Never was I clean or copped the leather
Never Never Never just Never Never Never
Never will I be the only one
That puts himself out there just for fun
Never copped a rollie, what the fuck's a bezel
Never lived that life but I got the medal