Excuses

I've always hated to hear excuses, and hated even more when I gave them. As time goes on though, I feel I make excuses to myself the most. An explanation for every single choice I've made against what I'd prefer. Mostly with girls though, I stand in my own way with girls. If I don't go overboard and scare them off I normally end up acting evasive as fuck. Especially now, where most people to pursue are also leaving to college, it's easy to make the excuse. Like FUCK man, I said I wouldn't go after a girl because she's vegan. The explanation? Well, I'd assume that if I were to date them they'd be hanging out with me often and I'd feel obligated to eat vegan when they're around, especially if I'm probably going to cook for them at one point. While it's true, it's definitely not a good reason. I could still eat normally when they aren't around and it's not like they're going to be moving in or something. It's weird for me, feeling scared of something. For the past four years I haven't felt genuine fear in a long time, and when I do it's not the fear of being alone, it's the fear of what I might do when I'm not alone. Especially since the beach incident, especially because of the vibes I've been getting, the images that've been smacking me, the flush of deja vu. I'd say Summer is my favorite season of the year, but it's got so much shit that happens to me around this time, between it being the time that my luck normally goes to shit and it being that time that forgotten dreams become reality, it's the worst time. It'd be nice to have someone though, but in the end will it even matter. I don't see where I'm going to be in a year, I don't even see where I'm going to be in a month. I need to register for community college, still waiting on my diploma in the mail, but I don't even know what classes I even want to take. There's obligatory classes of course, but even those I don't know. Like seriously, fuck math. I'm going to say it again, FUCK MATH. I gotta take a math class I couldn't give two shits about, I'm pretty sure. Science? That's easy, chemistry. But do I even still care about a career as a chemist? Then it's writing classes, philosophy classes, psychology classes, and art classes. Probably go for a class or two in music theory also, but again in the end is that what I really care to do? In two years I'm still going to be undecided, and in two years I'm still going to be going seemingly somewhere, but in reality nowhere. Chances are, I'm going to end up with some deskjob that sucks my soul out also, or some science career doing something that I'm actually against but need to make ends meet. I'm not going to get that life of adventure I've thirsted for for so long, that's what it feels like, and chances are that's what it will be.