Why? Just Why?

Have you ever had the feeling that you can understand anything, anyone... except yourself? That's how I end up feeling everyday. I can look at other people and have atleast a glimpse of why they act how they do, why they do what they do, but with me I can barely explain it except for the simple stuff. Take me growing out my hair for example. I started growing it out as a symbol of something that's dead now. That was the driving force, to help solidify my feelings, to remind me of how long it's been, etc etc. But why continue, when the initial reason is dead, doesn't apply anymore, didn't even apply well when I started growing it for that. I just hate when everyday the biggest thing on my mind is longing and remorse over the hole I dug and jumped into blindfolded. The biggest obstacle in my path his myself because I'm going to always dwell in what has happened, not what could happen next. I find it impossible to move past it, but I still feel ahead. I stopped sleeping in a ball. I stopped crying to sleep. I genuinely feel happy more often. But still. As I stated before, I feel like a Holden Caulfield. I even will repeat stuff over and over again through my pointless ramblings and moanings. I don't want to move on from things. I'm still the retarded internet person I was 2 years ago. I may not use this blog as much, and possibly improved in other things, but a lot of things are still the same or I've been quietly fighting with myself to keep it the same. Atleast I don't get disgusted with people for the wrong reason. Well there's no right reason to dislike someone. But, I found Holden is disgusted with people out of jealousy more than actually dislike. I just really wish I could even slightly understand my mannerisms and habits so I can move on easier.