Boredom

So I guess that posts are only good for updates. I long ago ran out of fuel to talk about the stupidest shit with interest. I still could, it just feels emptier and more boring to do now than before. If there were a person in front of me I could go on and on, but I've found everything lately has just been boredom. The world is so much duller since I started this blog and everyday I feel lonelier. I probably only feel lonely cause it's the summer though. I spend more time by myself, thank PINEAPPLE I got a job though. I might not've been able to survive if not for a job. It's stupid though. At first I didn't spend any money at all, but now I can't help but spend it, which I think'll stop when I go back to school and have even less time to waste spending money. Steam however is such a temptress, in the past two weeks I've spent around 30 or 40 bucks on Dota, which I barely play now but I did it for shits and giggles, and then another 40 or so on other games. I officially own a digital copy of The Binding of Issac though, which is pleasing. Now to the main component of the update, school. I start school in 4 days, but the first week is just half days at a college campus. I get to meet a shit ton of new people cause for the past 4 years I've had a lot of the same people in my classes. I've mentioned this way more than I have to here but some program called Integrated Math and Science, which means people that think they're geniuses and view people outside of the program like shit. Not everyone, more like the obnoxious people that gave the program a bad name. Thankfully, only one of the faces of the program went to governor school. Well those faces, I'm one of the other "representatives" as the person that hasn't given a shit for awhile and kinda slides by. I don't know how I feel about the Governor School though, I'm going to expect a shit ton of snobs and few people that I'd find tolerable much less enjoyable. It's like a concentration camp for the "geniuses" of high school that got spoiled by some program or their parents into being the high and mighty shits I'm going to get to know. Of course, it could be the opposite and there's going to be a good amount of people that slack off, otherwise known as my kind of people. That get by on little effort and bullshit, and a shit ton of luck. Lets see, what else about school. Oh, I'm taking ONE other AP class, English. It's my end block which is perfect for me because then I can get a nap in before I go to work in the afternoon, but AP just equals more work and a free college credit that a lot of colleges don't even accept. I like to read and write, just not when it's made work. I don't want to read a fucking book or poem and then have to analyze and regurgitate parts of it to please some adult with a big head from being in charge. I can except to see her/him/it/whatever in my French class, maybe. I'm going to expect the they're not there if you don't look at them type of interactions between us. Another person I'd expect animosity, but Echo isn't that type of person, or at least the Blue I think I know. But off that subject because it's a sore subject and my boredom is kicking in again. On a semi-related note in the sense that I'm switching from the old love interest to the new one, I'm still a dipshit with no balls. I can't even talk to Sara. She seats people, rather than going on the floor and checking for tables and expecting which ones to open, so I don't get to talk to her if I'm on the floor. Even more, I've been demoted to only bussing on Tuesdays, which are my new favorite days. I might get put on the floor more often in the future though, hopefully when Sara's working also. We trade a lot of smiles but I can't help but think it's the nervous, he smiled so I gotta smile back, kinda smile from her. I'm not always the first to smile though, but sometimes that's all the interaction I get. I've been a big enough dumbass to just ignore that she's there sometimes. For instance, on Tuesday when I came in I said hi to two of my friends that work there, which I don't talk to much, they were talking to her but I didn't even look towards her. I made myself look like I was fucking gay. That sounds a little harsh but I'm saying I made it look like I was more interested in people with dicks than her. My friend said I should just make more conscious actions to talk to her, rather than just letting shit happen like that. I do have a plan though, I'm going to let the information leak by asking one of her Hostess friends if she's single,  which is enough to suggest I wanna get with hhheeerrrrr, and if what I think'd happen happens, then she'll get told about it and then maybe I don't have to be the ice breaker and she can come to me. I have two last resorts though. Numero uno, wait another three months when I can get a mini raise and some benefits then cross train into being a host so I can talk to her. Only problem with that is in 3 months I can get fired, she can get fired, she can quit, or she can get a boyfriend if she doesn't already have one. The other options is come into work on molly and then I'll have the balls to talk to her cause I'll be talking to everyone as I sweat my ass off. Problem with that is obvious, I'm going to be sweating. Then there's also that thing about how it's a bad idea to go to work on drugs, much less something as obvious as molly. But eh, only time'll tell what's to come from me hiding behind other things. I do have enough friends there though to network. It's not that hard to get other people to do things for me, but I probably should do this on my own. Oh well, retarded update done.

Everything's a game and I'm learning new rules
The players the stakes and I look the fool
I may seem stupid but I'm learning faster
The more mistakes I make the more I get better

There's always a price
Not always in the light
Many are wrong
But they always think they're right
The sooner you learn
The better things seem
So you better learn fast
And ignore the gleam

Cause
Ignorance is bliss, those are words of a scholar
Here's some new words
When you're pissed you'll holler
Not just cause the distance but the feet between your minds
And the fact that you know you're just as bad every time
Everyone's the same, they just hit the wall different
So stop with the plain complaining negative thoughts and thinking
Your affection is selfish no matter what you say
So stop saying it's for them, it's for you like when you pray

There's always a price
Not always in the light
Many are wrong
But they always think they're right
The sooner you learn
The better things seem
So you better learn fast
And ignore the gleam

If you have to do it then it has no meaning
If you didn't think about it then it does
Let your subconscious lead it's more of your mind
Cause your conscious is a fucker that does drugs
Not just talking coke and tar and weed
But caffeine and just about everything
I found that we all focus on what we put in
Think about what you take rather than what you give

There's always a price
We take it so it's right
May not be in the light
But we didn't fight
Many are wrong
As I've said in this song
But they'll deny that
Mistakes can take long
But they sooner you learn
The sooner you're better
The better the world is
And you're now the go getter
So just go out and learn
Everything's new
You know nothing
But what experience has taught you

I may be stoned but the builder refused me
Not coping Ash, that line's a dub smoothly
I'm saying no drug's gonna give me work
But I'm ready and able, forget these words
Don't judge by the actions but by the reason why
It's easy to say, but harder to live by
Everyone's a hypocrite and everyone's sick of it
If you can live with yourself then just forget it

Drugs moved out as the money came in
They did what they had to and do what they can
If people were right then there'd be no wrong
But bitches just judge, and those thoughts stay long
They think he's a dealer and that girl's a slut
That person's crazy and that guy's a mutt
I don't wanna give them no work
Cause they don't deserve it, but do they, word

We judge and judge but what gives us the right
We're all dark creatures but we think we're the light
Fighting, Nighting, Slightly frightening
Power impure and muscles are tightening
As it hits the blood and it reaches the brain
You both forget and remember your pain
These times are changing but people are not
We're still the fiends that we wish we were not

What happened to the sweet thoughts I always used to have
Now it's wake and bake and snack until I'm left dead
There's nothing to fear but the government itself
So I should live in a shack on the continental shelf
Where there's no cage but the cage of myself
The bars are my mind and the warden's myself
I guess I'll just go live as myself
But I can't be alone, atleast alone with myself

No strings no lines no signal no eyes
Just me and my hands as time flys by
Every now and then I'll probably stop to say hi
Hello, goodbye, I live to die

The bars are only there cause I see them as it's true
But I wouldn't have the bass if it weren't for you
Or probably me I'll just blame us both
But that doesn't change what I think and've been told
My mind is blind but my body can see
Choices choices choices, there's just too many
Too many to make and mistakes at that
But I'll jump in head first fuck up and fix that

No rain no shine just me on the grind
I want to be alone but together at the time
The darkness that wreaks isn't one that I seek
So I'll live with the people for now I think

Who needs the light when it's temporary
Step outside at night and it's darkness you see
Focus on the negative and it's all that exists
Just the shitty little world that I grew to live with
A smile is worth more than any dollar bill
Cause it's hard to smile with the times until
You meet someone else that smiles just as bright
But that person might be dead and alive and good night

Why Does It Matter?

I'd rather just message this to you on someone's facebook but it's so much easier to just do this and at this point I couldn't give two shits about my public shout outs at you. And, just saying, if you haven't noticed ,cause I know you read my retardedness, most of my lyrics don't have you as a subject. Maybe the first few of the summer but at this point I was just like fuck it. Now to the subjecto of this incoming rant. WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER? Why does it matter if I know you decided you're a boy. Why does it matter than I know that you found a need to post about the fact that I do know. I have my ways of finding shit out and most of the time I'm not even looking. I don't know what you think, but I have friends that actually give a shit about me. They know my past with you and that every now and then I still have that little pang that I want to stab at so it goes away. Sometimes it's a notification, like saying, OH SHE POSTED SOME CRAP ABOUT YOU KNOWING SHE'S A BOY NOW, and other times it's them asking me because they think I still know you. Who knows, maybe I do, they also know I'm smart and pretty well equipped when it comes to interpreting peoples actions at this point. Maybe not always with you but it's rare when I don't have an intelligent explanation for how someone's acting, seeing as I can analyze it. It's easy for me to have an answer to motive and effects of what I say and do towards others, and it's even easier to tell when it's what people say and do towards each other. Take for example when I called you a cunt. If you really didn't give two shits about me the way you let on, you wouldn't have needed to tell the pregnant twerk fiend about it, or even found a need to be more of a cunt. Or that you still read this shit stain that's average compared to anyone else. That just shows that I STILL MATTER in some fucking way. Let me put it easier for you. There's no such thing as moving on. People leave imprints on other people's minds once they talk to and meet them. Sometimes you don't even have to talk to them and just do body language. Once you care, you can't stop. Love and hate are like two best friends because with people you both love and hate them. It's always easier to focus on the negative though. I don't want to go into detail in case I already have on an earlier post. But negative bothers you and positive doesn't, so of course you're going to notice and complain about the negative and only notice the positive when it's not there. Me? Well I prefer to focus on the positive side because I have enough negative energy. I take in enough negative energy and put out twice as much. My house is a nightmare to me because of all the negative energy and few people know, until now but probably still few people that actually know me, that I have horrible image flashes of creatures and demonic entities. My house is a psychological torment. There's holes everywhere in the hallways and I always feel  like when I walk by that arms are going to reach out and grab me. I close my eyes and they're there even though I deny they are. My stair well is the worst lit place in my house because we're too lazy to change the lightbulbs and so the stair case is the worst. I see things crawling up at me. I've told people before though, I don't have to worry. Because no matter how dark and scary they are, I'm a fucking HUMAN, so they know I'm worse. This probably seems irrelevant but believe me I'm getting to the relevance. YOU WERE THE LIGHT FOR TOO LONG. Did you ever wonder why I constantly babbled about feelings to you especially that I loved you and never noticed that I was entrapping you and making you feel obligated to put up with it? It's because I subconsciously refused to acknowledge that things were shittier than they were because I needed something to keep me going. I'll thank you for what you did for me, but you don't have to treat me like some fucking freak. Don't tell yourself you aren't. That post just says that you do. Everyone's their own freak and only few are willing to show and admit that the way I did to you. I'm not asking you for another chance because I don't think I deserve one nor want one because I don't think I need one. For the longest time I always just blamed myself, not just with you but everything. This summer helped me realize that it's never just one person's fault, it's everyone involved. Although I regret it I do blame you for some of what happened. At this point you're on the same level as my brother. I want to interact with you but I'm going to resist it because it's beneath me. I don't need to throw myself back into the pit that I crawled out of. The way you view me now makes you beneath me and not worth my time, because if you were you would still be here. I hope this is my last rant/post about/at you. You'll still come up but as a reference point like in the last post. Don't blame me for it, you were a big part of my life and you had your own part. You never would have gotten to that point if you never interacted with me as much as you did in 7th til 9th. But, because it's the last rant, hopefully, I'm going to say thank you. Thanks for putting up with me the way you did. Thanks for blocking me, even though you probably wanted to anyways. Thanks for leading me to be the person that I am now because I'm disgusted with who I was in 8th grade. Congratulations for being a big enough influence on my mood that I wanted to gut myself and almost offed myself 3 times, 1 time that never got to the offing because I dropped the method. Fuck you because I think you find yourself to be special. You're not. I'm not. No one is. I remember at one point you told me maybe we were drifting apart because you were more mature and now I beg to differ. Besides that there's no measure of maturity, you still act like a child. I may curse, I may be wild, but when it comes to actual decisions and relationships with people I take them seriously while you still treat them promiscuously, or at least that's how it appears to me. So goodbye, fuck you, I miss you, and I love you.