Why Does It Matter?

I'd rather just message this to you on someone's facebook but it's so much easier to just do this and at this point I couldn't give two shits about my public shout outs at you. And, just saying, if you haven't noticed ,cause I know you read my retardedness, most of my lyrics don't have you as a subject. Maybe the first few of the summer but at this point I was just like fuck it. Now to the subjecto of this incoming rant. WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER? Why does it matter if I know you decided you're a boy. Why does it matter than I know that you found a need to post about the fact that I do know. I have my ways of finding shit out and most of the time I'm not even looking. I don't know what you think, but I have friends that actually give a shit about me. They know my past with you and that every now and then I still have that little pang that I want to stab at so it goes away. Sometimes it's a notification, like saying, OH SHE POSTED SOME CRAP ABOUT YOU KNOWING SHE'S A BOY NOW, and other times it's them asking me because they think I still know you. Who knows, maybe I do, they also know I'm smart and pretty well equipped when it comes to interpreting peoples actions at this point. Maybe not always with you but it's rare when I don't have an intelligent explanation for how someone's acting, seeing as I can analyze it. It's easy for me to have an answer to motive and effects of what I say and do towards others, and it's even easier to tell when it's what people say and do towards each other. Take for example when I called you a cunt. If you really didn't give two shits about me the way you let on, you wouldn't have needed to tell the pregnant twerk fiend about it, or even found a need to be more of a cunt. Or that you still read this shit stain that's average compared to anyone else. That just shows that I STILL MATTER in some fucking way. Let me put it easier for you. There's no such thing as moving on. People leave imprints on other people's minds once they talk to and meet them. Sometimes you don't even have to talk to them and just do body language. Once you care, you can't stop. Love and hate are like two best friends because with people you both love and hate them. It's always easier to focus on the negative though. I don't want to go into detail in case I already have on an earlier post. But negative bothers you and positive doesn't, so of course you're going to notice and complain about the negative and only notice the positive when it's not there. Me? Well I prefer to focus on the positive side because I have enough negative energy. I take in enough negative energy and put out twice as much. My house is a nightmare to me because of all the negative energy and few people know, until now but probably still few people that actually know me, that I have horrible image flashes of creatures and demonic entities. My house is a psychological torment. There's holes everywhere in the hallways and I always feel  like when I walk by that arms are going to reach out and grab me. I close my eyes and they're there even though I deny they are. My stair well is the worst lit place in my house because we're too lazy to change the lightbulbs and so the stair case is the worst. I see things crawling up at me. I've told people before though, I don't have to worry. Because no matter how dark and scary they are, I'm a fucking HUMAN, so they know I'm worse. This probably seems irrelevant but believe me I'm getting to the relevance. YOU WERE THE LIGHT FOR TOO LONG. Did you ever wonder why I constantly babbled about feelings to you especially that I loved you and never noticed that I was entrapping you and making you feel obligated to put up with it? It's because I subconsciously refused to acknowledge that things were shittier than they were because I needed something to keep me going. I'll thank you for what you did for me, but you don't have to treat me like some fucking freak. Don't tell yourself you aren't. That post just says that you do. Everyone's their own freak and only few are willing to show and admit that the way I did to you. I'm not asking you for another chance because I don't think I deserve one nor want one because I don't think I need one. For the longest time I always just blamed myself, not just with you but everything. This summer helped me realize that it's never just one person's fault, it's everyone involved. Although I regret it I do blame you for some of what happened. At this point you're on the same level as my brother. I want to interact with you but I'm going to resist it because it's beneath me. I don't need to throw myself back into the pit that I crawled out of. The way you view me now makes you beneath me and not worth my time, because if you were you would still be here. I hope this is my last rant/post about/at you. You'll still come up but as a reference point like in the last post. Don't blame me for it, you were a big part of my life and you had your own part. You never would have gotten to that point if you never interacted with me as much as you did in 7th til 9th. But, because it's the last rant, hopefully, I'm going to say thank you. Thanks for putting up with me the way you did. Thanks for blocking me, even though you probably wanted to anyways. Thanks for leading me to be the person that I am now because I'm disgusted with who I was in 8th grade. Congratulations for being a big enough influence on my mood that I wanted to gut myself and almost offed myself 3 times, 1 time that never got to the offing because I dropped the method. Fuck you because I think you find yourself to be special. You're not. I'm not. No one is. I remember at one point you told me maybe we were drifting apart because you were more mature and now I beg to differ. Besides that there's no measure of maturity, you still act like a child. I may curse, I may be wild, but when it comes to actual decisions and relationships with people I take them seriously while you still treat them promiscuously, or at least that's how it appears to me. So goodbye, fuck you, I miss you, and I love you.