TALK TO ME!

Analyzing a conversation with me that's been had over the internet

Do I ask a lot of questions?
Hell yes. In a one on one conversation I prefer to learn most of the time rather than blab. Asking questions shows interest in the other person, but most of all it's because I don't enjoy most people learning about me when I know them personally.It's distracting them from me in a sense.

When I am talking to a girl I like what tells that I'm nervous?
I use lol after almost every single fucking thing whether I think it's funny or not. In any other conversation I use lol only when I think it's funny, and I don't laugh when I say lol. I don't let them know when I actually started laughing.

Helpless tells
By helpless tells I mean my notions that say I feel helpless about whatever I just said. Really simple. I have a string of dots in one message, and then a lol at the end. One of the least subtle things I use in messaging.

That you are my nigga
I will greet you with a derogatory, normally one that doesn't get used by anyone but me, and use the most profane language I possibly can. I intentionally say stupid crap, and will end things with yo a lot because I like to act black. Not entirely like to, more like that's how I've adjusted to conversations with people. It's these conversations that I don't pester people with question after question. I don't need to get to know them and they're familiar enough with me at that point. Most of all though, I make comments about black people a lot.

We friends, we friends
I'm going to start it off with a "yo", "ey" or "ayo". It's going to bounce between questioning and random anecdotes that are me picking what the other person learns about me.

I'm slightly unstable at the moment
I can't shut the fuck up or act nervous a lot and go into the helpless tells. I end up ranting more than I should. I also show how jittery I'm getting by it. Easily excitable, easily depressed. If it goes on for too long easily angered. Thankfully most people have other stuff to do than talk to me. I'd say it's because they don't care enough, but I understand. I get annoying even when I'm not in an unstable mood. Also it's facebook, it's become more of something people leave open when they're doing other shit, it's not often that there's a good time.

I'm tryna be a star like the sun
But my light's been put out cause you're not in my arms
The shine's now a fade, eyes now are glazed
Windows glued shut as I test fate
Is destiny my master, or a future slave
Please teach me well, indenture's a phase
As the blinds draw a close, but the third eye still sees
What will the future hold, will it have me?
Will my will be enough or just a memory
Left in these pages and thoughts that you read
At least I could live a few weeks fore I died
Reborn again but left to cry
To be spanked and taught and raised a new one
The phoenix of the ashes of a dying sun
The black hole to your nova, The door in your way
The pit of despair and the mind washed away
I don't even remember why I still complain
I'm just stuck in my ways
I'm stuck thinking old when I should be living new
I should be looking elsewhere but I'm thinking of you
I'm sorry, the obsession's to much
Oppressing my thoughts and numbing my touch
I can't see, think, or even walk straight
Everywhere's you even if I come late
A model for perfection, but why must I seek
I'll never find a person with the same sized feats

The big red demon bares his ugly head again
Like a sin, the fucking rush is an addiction
Fuck doing drugs, just fucking fill me up
The cup's half empty Anyways
For days and days I chug and the thoughts start getting thicker
Like a viscous liquid, I need draino for my brain
Pour me a cup, keep me in the game
That I'm playing, by default, not by choice
Momma wants me in school but she won't hear my voice
I'll scrape by, No, you'll achieve
In a field you don't care for cause you belong to me
Go to school, that's the path of success
But will you be happy? Doesn't matter, success
That's a yes to me, because money is what matters
That's a no from me, because money's just a bother
Look, I don't care for luxuries
Prefer to stay simple
Just scraping by
Who needs a big ass car, A big ass lawn, And rooms you don't use
Or to live in a city, Breathing in the poison
While you're stuck strung out on its fumes

This demon needs a name, let's go with Bill
Or what about Toro, that's chill
Kid's a libra and a bull, so the name fits
When his alter ego represents his mind in a fit
But it's really hard to try to balance bullshit
People talk out their ass when enraged
All they see is red, and to me their dead
I would but don't regret what I'm saying
I've gone to two funerals, but I know more people in the same
Gonna outlive my dad, and forget about my mom
Because they're all partially to blame
But the true target here is me in the end
Not bull, not bitch, not slob
I'm the prodigal's sun with nowhere to return
So I guess the adventure's never done

Need a positive outlook to outrun the outside
Ostracize opinions that try to break my mind
I'm my own man in the making
Not a doll, so you can't keep playing
You can't feed me bullshit and tell me it's a cake
You can't take me to water and force me to take a drink
You can't guide me through life, I lead I don't follow
In the end all time is returned that was borrowed

Track 7: Alan's in Wonderland

Dazed, Confused, and slightly depressed
The death of a mystic rebirth of a mess
Don't contest what I profess, these lies speak the truth
God's my final witness, while the only other's you
A bird can't fly forever, sometimes it has to land
Stradle on a branch, worry about its fam
But it's mating season now, no girls to see me dance
The nest is left empty, and the feather's made of lead

The roller ride's over, please exit to your left
As I'm left without a clue as to what to expect next
Did I really like her, or was she just another thought
What is it that I want, stop staring at the clock
The hands stopped moving but time's still moving on
I'm left in the past again, Future's frozen, gone
Unconsciously longing, subconsciously fighting
Interpret my thoughts wrong, and take my actions lightly

B LAZ E's at the wheel, Alan's off to hibernate
But there's no brake pads, couldn't stop at this rate
In this race, Alan's stuck going in circles
So B LAZ E's treading green, I need a miracle
I need the sun to shine out of the hole I hold
I could always jump across but I'd rather use a pole
Or a bridge, or some wings, because what if I fall
Body's splattered red, and I'll no longer hear the call

Track 8: Alan's in Wonderland

It's positive vibe time

Integrate with hive mind

Insane so rewind

Peter Pan ain't as fly

Right before I tie my tie

Light it up for the ride

Mile high club and touching rye

Attending a funeral fore the body hit the ground
Soul intact so everything's sound
The wind's blowing
The tree's are smoking
I'm stuck toking on a cloud

Dead thoughts in my head keep spinning
Old soul empath and I'm still winning
Thoroughly pave a path too dirty to walk
So I ran the other way with my tail between my cock
Got the dreads out, mad style, more crazy than a hatter
Alan's in wonderland and B LAZ E's in battle
Pull out excalibur bust the blade and some butter
Good night to the knight and the king's special other
She didn't give it up but why bother
A chase ain't a chase if you catch her
Set a trap just to spring it on the wrong girl
Dazzle that girl, shower her with pearls
Love drunk but fuck sobriety
Happy as fuck with notoriety

Commit a robbery of all the bad feelings
Put it through the process, start some sensual healing
Wave the wavelength from the crest to the trough
Borrow a few more words from the world
To be honest I'm feeling kinda old
Throw that up to the recycled soul
This is more than a rap, it's a story
But there's no plot yet at least as it's told
Usually dark and sinister with a little bit of minister
I gotta show the hippier side of me
The happy go lucky, looking for a fucky
Free love free earth and free me

OH EM GEE BECKY IT'S A FUCKING POST FOR ONCE!

So yea, posting. Whoopie right? Not writing some halfassed rap, or full assed but probably still amateur grade. Things didn't go as well as I'd hoped, feeling a buzzkill right now, been in super high spirits for about a month, nothing like remembering where you are. The lyrics two posts ago were directed at someone from my math class that I really hoped to get somewhere with, even though being friends is just as solid. It was a third time's the charm thing, of course trying a third time is also being a pushy fuck, wouldn't have even gotten to the second try if I wasn't as loopy as I've been. Now that I think about it, I've been feeling utterly amazing since I got the flu a bit ago, so it's probably more along the lines of two weeks, it's just felt like a month. Anyways, she has her own damage which won't be disclosed here, and finds relationships to be disasters. It didn't surprise me, that's how I interpreted my magical attraction to Directioners. They're lonely as fuck, some of them are smiley and all but deep down there's a hole dug by loneliness that they try to fill with cute boys. Probably a bad generalization but so far I don't believe I've been wrong. The girl from my english class is a Directioner, and I've seen her talk about how she feels like she has friends, but not like super close ones. I look at it in this light. For awhile now I've let my unconscious mind direct myself, you know going with gut and instinct over proper logic. Not just the let your heart be your guide, but don't think and just do, and then watch for the results. Leave behind any trace of despair when it comes to decision making, say yes when you can. I chalk that up to my knowledge of myself, my acceptance of myself, the fact that I probably spend more time sleeping a day than awake. Even awake I feel like I'm asleep. The unconscious knows more than it lets on and that's the problem, I never have an explanation for the attraction. I'd like to figure out why, but I'm not going to sit for four hours trying to interpret my feelings for a girl or anyone in general. I fall in love with reality anyways, with everything. It's hard not to at the point I've gotten to where being negative is overrated. Yet when I write a song I still feel negative, indefinitely. This came up in a conversation with one of my friends from work though, who I sadly don't see anymore because he found a legit job, and his band got signed. I intentionally focus on the positive. All I see is positive and potential in people, and I prefer to focus on their true potential. Not the potential that they show, but the potential supported by their passion. Not everybody grows up wanting to be in a high paying job. I was talking to one of my few chick friends about what she wants to do with her life. She said she wants to be an engineer. I asked her why. She didn't know why, she's like I guess because it's college. Like why? Why because it's college? Why not because you want to? I started talking to her more about it and she was talking about how she might like to be a fitness coach, which fits her. She's a swimmer that borders on olympic but didn't make the cut. Best female swimmer in my highschool though, or so I've heard. Like seriously, everyone has a potential but not everybody abuses it the way they should. Why go through all the work to be something that you're not going to be happy as, when you can spend that time working on getting everything you can out of life, so that you don't die early from stress and exhaust yourself everyday just because you don't really care for what you're doing. They say once you make something fun into a job it ruins it, but if that's where you truly belong then it's not going to feel like a job. Even if it was a job you're not going to care. I think that ends my halfway moan about my social situation.

All these quotes can be found somewhere on Spirit Science's facbook page

Imma stop at 4 before it becomes absurd and me sharing every picture

Rolling solo ain't that bad.

Stay Strapped

Track 1: Alan's In Wonderland

I'm not good at putting my words into words
This shit was rehearsed
Contorted and edited to be prophetic
Pathetic, synthetic
Rehearsed these verses as I write more
Rehearsed these verses as my thoughts get worse
Rehearsed these verses to rehearse

Reverse the hearse as death comes knocking at the door
Let time stand still and begging for more
Reap a reward and salute the soldiers
While they make their way up the hill with that bigass boulder
Look, life's only a game if you make it
Got these rules that I didn't set
Just a kid tryna make it
Go through school cause there's nothing else to do
Got that artistic talent stifled out by a fool
Shit man, I could be an artist
Got my sketches here, but oh look there's college
The books beckon me, but I'd rather sit at home
Writing out lyrics and working on my own

This kid's just a kid
He uses big boy words but his shoes don't fit
My mind's made up
Too stubborn to budge
Sorry if I'm an ass
That shit's just a phase, it'll pass
I'm just done with this game
I didn't wanna play it anyways
But I'm forced to roll the dice
Will I ever pass go
No, no one knows

Disfigured and poetically justified
But the bitch's hands ain't in the air
I aspire to move mountains
To hide the face of despair
The mental hospital in my head has a diagnosis
Endured trauma and here's a prognosis
He's gonna go on to moan and groan
But he's gonna still smile when he's not alone
When he's in the loony bin strapped up like a G
His incoherent babble is making sense to me
Conspiracy syndrome treated like a disability
But he keeps on going despite the hospitality

Look, you been hurt before?
That's chill, me too, leave it at the door
This an airplane ride, so, no baggage
Just carry on with what you were doing before
I'll take you on a date
Romanticize you on your way
Make you mine, not to objectify
That's just how I play this game
Take it from me, I don't know what I"m doing
You probably know more than me
But no more with that, try and live in the moment
Forget the past, be free

I don't know you well, I'd like to change that
Cause you sure seem swell
In my mind you're phat
Yea with a ph, f the other one
Even if you were, I wouldn't be done
I'd call you a ten but you're far from basic
Unique, no T.V. or games
Never seen a girl like that before
It's Such a shame

In case you were wondering I'm a sapiosexual
With aesthetic thoughts but the mind's the target
Like to pick your brain with a toothpick
Just an hors d'oeuvre
Conversation's the meal
But what's for dessert?
Just don't desert me like I've been there before
Be up front with me, been lied to before
If you're not interested and just tryna be nice
Lemme know now, so I can get on with life

A king among kings, but what's a king without a queen
A king without the luxuries that made him a fiend
No more subjects, no more tributes for me
This king's a slave now, but that's what I was born to be
Started from the bottom and I found my own top
But then I fucked up and the progress stopped
I fell down the ladder and I'm back in the hole
But still glutton like fuck and I'll never be full
It's the living corruption and consumption of soul
It's the B LAZ E attitude that describes me whole
It's the I'm fine where I'm at but I'll bitch about it
Too much effort to fix, Too much effort to change
Too much effort to live, Too much effort for brains
Too much effort for me cause why should I work
I'll sit and command others, watch them walk out the door
People seemed worthless, I could always find more

Familiar with myself I guess I know my enemy well
I'm my own dog it isn't hard to tell
I got the best gift cause it keeps on giving
And the best part is it keeps me from living
And the best part is, I can't move on
Still stuck at stage one, Tryna be the best actor
Tryna be harder, better, faster, stronger
Tryna live longer than my daddy did
Tryna outlive the race but tryna keep pace
Tryna find a girl that's willing to stay
But am I really trying or just trying to try
Cause every fucking day ends with a sigh
Every open mouth closes grim
Everything I do I see as a sin
But in this rat race does anyone win
In this rat race is there a happy end

Too anxious for anxiety and now the bottle's dry
No more tears to cry cause my eyes are dry too
No more empty sighs it's too much work to breath
No more smiles either it's just bared teeth
I'm lost in thought but am I really thinking
I look pissed off cause I probably am
With the pipe in my hand and the flint wheel flicked
I find my calm state and get a hard dick
I watch stupid shit cause that's all there is
Who'd do their work cause that's boring shit
Now where the fuck am I cause I don't really know
I'm just a shadow in the background looking below
Just stuck observing and learning the truth
What's beneath the skin, what makes it loose
What is a person but a sack of bones
That's trapping a soul that doesn't even know

Birth

Track 5:Alan's in Wonderland

I'm a drunk that doesn't drink
That really needs to think
About where the fuck it is I'm headed
As I walk down this lonely road
Only thoughts I have are home
Wherever the fuck that shit is
I'll ramble on this rant
And surely lose my pants
As I risk the risk of getting commited
To the asylum of my mind
Cause right now I'm wasting time
Writing worthless rhymes of wisdom and wit

Weave a wicker basket to hold all the lies
Rely on the product and contain all the sighs
Metamorphasize to contain the new mind
In a past time without pills we were fine
Now we're fined as they refine their lies to fit us
Give us new clothes, new jobs, but in god we still trust
Value in material but not in the thoughts behind it
Things always get released with the perfect timing

Don't take me away, can't you tell I'm sane
The asylum's for loons, I'm an eagle at best
Invested in more than just cash
But keep this bird in a cage cause his feathers are treasure
Speaking more than words, delivering more than pleasure
Endangered and rare, Stuck in danger, ensnared
Poisoned by the public
To be treated by the villain
Like a delicate bird for once
I'll still die with the setting sun

Let's bum rush the capital, Get a capital gain
Capitalize the purge with aesthetical fame
Money is the matter
Yo, who's first up to bat?
Bugs Bunny?
Or what about Daffy Duck?
These toons are getting crazier lately
Shit on t.v. is getting weaker lately
Subliminally molest the mind of the meager
Metabolize the lies and brainwash the leaders
Of tomorrow and today cause the past is passed
Play the puppet and the person , But the strings just snapped
Am I damaged goods? Good damage? Or bad
Or was I already bad?
Was I already bad?

Under the Influence

Track 2:Alan's In Wonderland

Influencing the bad, cracked a bottle and a model
Made my own man early, I only lead not follow
Goodie two shoes will leave you black and blue
When he opens his mouth and leaves your ego bruised
You're the sheep to my shepherd, the flea to my flock
The beta to my alpha, and the bitch to my cock
I hear you barking but I ain't coming yet
Suck on a chew toy no breaks just yet
Just, just, just, just sit there and listen
The weed's not talking, it's just a kid thinking
Breaking the mold, I put it leagues of leagues under
That shit is so deep but it still hears the thunder
*Boom* Now the titans just clashed
From the child to the grown up, words were just passed
I'm the quarter back but they ain't the wide receiver
In spite of weight, don't let that shit deceive you
Strongarming, tryna pull along your place
You're not superior and neither is your taste
If this were a race you'd be coming in last
Surpassed by the younger and running out of gas
Just Watch your back you already put a knife in it
Wrapped the bandage tight tryna stop the bleeding
Cut off circulation cause the chokeholds comfy
Not gonna stop cause you haven't started coming
Shots fired it's the start of the race
It's a real hand gun, let the turtle set the pace
Cut it back, leave a bit to the imagination
Lemme put you under the true sensation