Speak Up

I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
Anyways

I'm sitting here moping on the screen like a pixel
Got this dust in my face like a pistol
Whipping out these words like a semi
Getting fully automatic as my soul dies
And

I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say

WHY ASK ME A QUESTION? If you didn't want the answer
Stop peeping in my room like I wronged the master
Stop teasing a chance that you know I can't take
You hate my friends, I was a mistake
That's all that you see, why can't you be proud
I'm making it my way, please come around
You don't know my life, you just know the cloud
Closed my door shut I need to keep you out
You lost your last chance, I guess it wasn't found
Time and time again I try and do my own thing
But you can't take it, you gotta be the queen
Fuck your domicile if you can't be civil
Stop tryna run the race from a pedestal
And

I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say

I'm standing hear shouting but you ask me to speak up

Better keep my mouth shut, words are wasted on you

Why talk to a wall? You're standing in my way

Just crumble, today's not your day

You're out of your prime, only serve to annoy

To prime the new generation means support their choice

When you launch an arrow it's out of your hands

Not an airplane like when I was a kid

Gotta realize that I'm feeling out of place
Aspire to move mountains and stand with the greats
School isn't the answer, it's the obstacle here
Tryna make music, time to face my fears
And

I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice now I don't know what to say

To Backstabber by Contrary Beats

As It Sets In

First impressions really are everything. Sadly, that impression includes looks. I've arrived people, at the rut, the one I mention all the time. Nothing worse than not having a job over the summer where your friends aren't always available and no girl to spend time with in person or even online. It's a sad and lonely life I feel faced with right now. While I will say I finished writing for my first mixtape, I still need to practice them to get on top of the beat. I'm still writing other stuff too, and need beats for a couple of the tracks.
I find my standards aren't that specific, and a lot of it is under what conditions I've seen the girl smile.There was one girl I treated like crap under the suspicion she liked me because I didn't. I should've given her a chance given that I can't reject every girl that doesn't interest me when I want chicks to give me a chance. I do feel like I gave her a chance though. I got to know her, that should be enough. Normally if I ask a girl it's before I get to know them, where them saying no doesn't matter. If I ask after I do I still talk to them normally, and it's kinda like nothing happened, but then again that's just how I do, now. This girl she seemed like a fucking pity party, very depressing and I tried, I really tried to get her to stop being a depressive person but shew as too negative, so I said whatever and screwed off. I got guilted into apologizing then she thought there was still a chance, she just had to dig. Started telling me that she thinks I'm not a dick, and it's just my shell, that I'm trying to keep people away cause I prefer to be alone. I'm just an asshole, plain and simple. I like being an asshole, my friends enjoy me as an asshole. That's just how we do. When I get to know you and get comfortable with you I tend to crack on you a lot. It's friendly. Especially sensitive subjects, it's intentional. If you can laugh at your problems you realize how small they are, that's why comedians are so effective, because people realize that shit's not really that bad. I swear if I could get into improv acts, or just write stand up acts first, I would become a comedian before a chemist. I want to make people happy, I love seeing people smile, even the stupid ones. A chemist can achieve that, but that happiness isn't genuine, it's fucking synthetic, otherwise known as unnatural. The reason anti-depressants aren't abused more than you're prescribed to is because they're just SSRIs, otherwise known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. In short that means they cause your brain to flood with serotonin by not taking any away and amping up the output at the same time. Serotonin equals happy. Serotonin can't achieve euphoria without other transmitters to accompany them. You'd have to be screwing someone that you love more than anything else in the world, and probably eating 3 cakes also to get there. SSRI's leave you in serious withdrawal as your body gets lazy with them doing all the work. They're also dangerous because you can have Serotonin syndrome, otherwise known as overdosing on your hormones. You know what doctor's don't prescribe? I'll give you a hint, it doesn't cost shit. Sunlight. That shit is good as fuck for you. Lets start off with that Serotonin and Melatonin are structural analogues. Anyone with sleeping problems knows what Melatonin is, but for those that don't it's what your body produces at night to prepare you to sleep. Them being structural analogues means that their molecular structures are very similar. To keep it short, Serotonin is produced when you get sunlight, not artificial light I'm talking UV rays, you also get some Vitamin D. Melatonin is produced when you get darkness. Your body only produces one at a time. Depression is on the rise because everyone lives indoors these days, who the fuck spends more than an hour outside at a time. As for other neurotransmitters that affect mood there's Dopamine (Content), Epinephrine (Adrenaline), Noepinephrine (Focus), and Oxytocin (Love). SNRIs are Serotonin and Epinephrine reuptake inhibitors, with some effect on Oxytocin and Dopamine levels also. In short, that's how the euphoria is achieved. Stimulants work on Dopamine receptors, and Dopamine is processed into Noepinephrine. Most common SNRIs? MDMA and Sassafrass. Illegal but the only reason they're worse than an SSRI is because they're abusable because they work on other receptors. My goal is to make a marketable SNRI if I'm to be a chemist, but that just makes the problem worse. I don't want to be a therapist because it's the same thing, prescribe medicine that causes more damage than help when used daily. Talking only gets you so far, I'm not going to be getting far if I prescribe sunlight and social interaction. Comedians bring happiness, music brings an ease to the pain. I WANNA DO SOMETHING INSPIRING. Chemistry is good and all but is it really that beneficial in what I would and seek to achieve by pursuing it? Hell no.
Now to tie this into girls because obviously it looks like I veered way off topic. The girls that I tend to like range from stupid to intelligent but there's something they share, they know how to smile. OH BOY DO THEY KNOW HOW TO SMILE. I know also that some of them know how to have a good time, that's an essential to life, not to rip off "Shameless". The second girl from Gov School(Girl number 4 of the year)? Initially I thought she was a bitch because she always looked pissed, and could be aggressive, but then I also heard her laugh and found her cute. I went to a Gov School outing because we do that type of shit and saw her playing sports and I couldn't help but be stunned. SHE WAS FUCKING RADIANT. She was having fun or atleast looked like it and was just majestic with her layups. On the other end I'm also always drawn in and intrigued by people that know how to smile but are also cynical cunts. There's a difference between being depressing and being depressed. A depressed or damaged person doesn't make it obvious, they hide behind a smile that they try to make genuine, but know how to smile when the time comes. That's what the first gov school girl was like.(Girl number 2 of the year) The girl I'm pursuing right now? Well I feel she's not that interested so that slightly kills me inside. She's always brushed off my comments and half the messages I make on facebook, but now I just feel pissed and contorted about it. Girl number four still ain't out my head yet either, especially since Gov School still has outings, and I can't help but look over at her every now and then, and also feel awkward the closer to her I am, or when she so much is in my line of sight and it's not me doing it. But eh fuck it right?

Move On

Let's leave the past in the past and present to the future
Accept the gift forget the former
Patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait
I need to recognize my gifts before it's too late
Can't close the gap I'm in a league of my own
Not to jinx myself but this banger blows
This mindset sucks, I'm a sober little fuck
All in good time, I'll relapse on my own
Got a personality like I loaded up on lodestones
I either attract or repel, either way I'm boned
All alone, I entered this way
Imma leave this bitch with you wanting to pray
Fuck my destiny but I embraced it anyways
Worse than Liu Kang, I never ran away
Now you hear me muttering off cause I know I'm in a rut
It's relapse retrial recover restart

Let's leave the past in the past and present to the future
I forgot the words but the song ain't over
Patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait
I need to recognize my blessings before it's too late
Got the crew at my back, got the crew to the front
Mad dog syndrome as I'm rolling up the blunt
I need a shot of something if I'm to get better
Hopeless yet happy as I write her a letter
Hippy mindset but feeling set to fail
Why pick up a pen when my life's off the rails
Imma get a degree, that sure as hell ain't me
Engineer my failure from the start
I only asked for a part in my own fate to be
But you pushed me to the side, fuck being happy
I better say goodbye before I forget
That I loved you once, can't say never again

I've left the future in the past and forgotten bout the present
I display my gifts despite no happy ending
Found myself curled up in a ball
Too scared to ask that one question
Liquid courage isn't close to the real thing
Especially when you wake up not remembering
Gotta piece up the puzzle but this jigsaws in half
To start things off get up from the bath
Retrace my steps, find out where the fuck I've been
I find myself stuck still busy remembering
I've been there before, too scared to be there again
Still at the start but I'm staring at an end
I've picked up the pen but the cartridge ran dry
It's still not to late, but what's it mean to try

Ugh, I ain't never going back
Be up on this bitch like I ride a Cadillac
Blunt pass, burn hash, and a fat ass dab
And a mind set reminding that I'm never looking back
I ain't this girl's bitch and not bout to be the next
Just relax, no questions, and please no press
Go with what I said, as I lift the next weight
Haul the next sack, ready for the next day
What I say? I said I'm never going back
Hit the pass, more lax than a laxatative ass
Let the shit flow like an enema bulb
Watch em all jealous that I'm finally acting whole
Watch em all jealous that this kid has got the flow
Watch em all jealous that this kid is on the go
Why? Cause he's never turning back
He may be facing forward but his heart's under attack
My shit is on fire as my soul burns a path
Natural resource , energy and wrath

I ain't never coming back
Mary Jane's my mistress so you can hit the sack
Lucy, side bitch and molly for vacation
But I don't need no bitches to feel the sensation
Heart racing like a mustang
Kid's a colt so listen for the bang
As I fire off like a loaded gun
I might stop a bit but the shit's not done
Cause I'm never turning back
Regret's for the weak and underconfident
Not a guilty pleasure, just pleased to be here
Still got two legs, three eyes, and my hair
Tear you into two just to match me
Just just just just just just please
Realize that I'm done
Imma keep talking cause I know that you won

Just Another Pretty Personality

Yo, I'm Just another pretty personality
Peeping Tom from the knights of society
Tasting defeat before the battle starts
The king's deceit ain't got me going far
A filthy casual and impersonal prick
A beefy motherfucker with everyday for play
Hide behind humor and hit a hard hit
Too stoned to function without a little bit
Caffeine deficient so my mind ain't right
Breaking out in hives and sweating every night
Keep it tight though, I roll with the crew
It's all bros no hoes so I wish I rolled with you
Trying to take this down to a science
Serotonin overflow got my heart defiant
Mind's too distracted to see what's what
And the eyes too busy staring down at her butt

Yea, I'm just a pretty personality
Pacing out the pain as I pay the price of salary
Let the cocksuckers bark ill stand still strong
A stonewall to these slaves of society
Commanding the masses and the trinity
Call me the general general, making genocide
Purge out the dark and give into the light
A hero's a villain to someone sides me
It's money music mental and a little bit of mayhem
Mind over matter and wherever the hell it came from
Satan said hi so I dapped the brother up
Wear a crown with Peter Pan before he grows up
Come on Wendy, come fly with me
Got some fairy dust to divide for free
Roll up the joint and get high with me
Break a bottle on your head, oops, Teehee

Aye, I'm just a petty personality
Chicks be flocking to me like an ant to the celery
This pic-a-nic's not for me, but I'll eat it anyways
Come on BooBoo, They can have another any other day
Just another kid tryna fill his shoes
I don't wanna admit it but I don't know what to do
So I'll stand in the corner cracking corny jokes
Why'd the chicken cross the road? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW
Maybe the chicken worked the corner and needed a cigarette
Blew a guy for money so it could get the next pack
Hopped across the street, couldn't fly, too domestic
Got hit by the car cause she just hopped off a dick
Or maybe the chicken's just a dumbass kid like me
Didn't care just did it to do it to be free
Someone told him no so he ran straight across the street
Got hit by a car, roadkill, tastes deer but chicken meat

Overdosed on horomones, my brains soaked in bleach
I'm a fickle little fucker, fuck a thought I need meat
I need a little bitch, I need a little teet
I need a little bit to hold me over for a week
As my ass is on trial, judge you're offended not my fault
Never once been offensive, I'm just here to share my thoughts
Surrounded by lovers but alas I love alone
And a target's just a target not a lover to own
As I'm out on my own, blended into the crowd
Endure the dirty looks as I stand proud
A senile loon soaring high like an eagle
Carried off to sea on the backs of the regal
But the backs are getting broken because they can't take the weight
Never once had to work, never once had to wait
Now they find the predicament that I carried clear
Hard work pays off if you ever get there

You gotta persevere, wait to congratulate
Instantly gratified but the reward came too late
Playing games is so easy these days
The challenge is to find it, I mean what can I say?
I don't play nice, I break all my toys
But I break it I buy it and I find a new joy
Throw it in the loony bin or punt that kickball
Run around laughing as yal wait for the fall
But I'm balanced like a badass that just blasted off in bliss
Blatantly speaking my britches are too big
Trying too hard at jocking at that ass
But the mare made a run before I made a pass
Too busy looking now I'm stuck in last
Too busy moaning now I'm stuck in the past
Too busy to be busy, or to even make sense
I may be stuck back but my thinking's too fast

God is my witness, don't contest what I profess
Only lies heard are by those I disrespect
Mutilate and reject, for a second then again
Got the blunt burning fore I ever picked up the pen

Still fucking high, haven't hit that shit for weeks
Got that natural B.O. weed's not why I wreak
Better mess with me, fore you get at my team
Sheep in wolf clothing, don't trust what I see
Put on the shades, and reboot the mind phase
Got a terabyte of RHYME to leave you in a haze
Inducing rigamortis and I'm madder than a city
Got a low self-esteem so tell me that I'm pretty
My wordplay seeming shitty
Let me allude to better times
All I did was rhyme, but I made a good sketch
Lets sharpen shit, and slowly color in
Restyling my schemes as I start focusing
My life's a remix got that slut on repeat
And the records making skips

Give you lip, not an attitude problem
You earned the words, now get to problem solving
I bleed indigo and you're still bleeding red
Got the colors of the rainbow all upside my head
Check under the bed, my monster's gone missing
Oh shit I drank him, no wait, he's in the kitchen
Tryna cook up something good, that shit's smelling dank
Better than a brownie or some spiked creme brulee
Taste the defeat, wear it like lipstick
Not a badge of courage, you're still a dipshit
Telling you now, stop riding this dick
I was a god before you, and now you just missed it


Just scraping up old unfinished drafts, be prepared for more posting. This appeals to me as a shitpost though.