As It Sets In

First impressions really are everything. Sadly, that impression includes looks. I've arrived people, at the rut, the one I mention all the time. Nothing worse than not having a job over the summer where your friends aren't always available and no girl to spend time with in person or even online. It's a sad and lonely life I feel faced with right now. While I will say I finished writing for my first mixtape, I still need to practice them to get on top of the beat. I'm still writing other stuff too, and need beats for a couple of the tracks.
I find my standards aren't that specific, and a lot of it is under what conditions I've seen the girl smile.There was one girl I treated like crap under the suspicion she liked me because I didn't. I should've given her a chance given that I can't reject every girl that doesn't interest me when I want chicks to give me a chance. I do feel like I gave her a chance though. I got to know her, that should be enough. Normally if I ask a girl it's before I get to know them, where them saying no doesn't matter. If I ask after I do I still talk to them normally, and it's kinda like nothing happened, but then again that's just how I do, now. This girl she seemed like a fucking pity party, very depressing and I tried, I really tried to get her to stop being a depressive person but shew as too negative, so I said whatever and screwed off. I got guilted into apologizing then she thought there was still a chance, she just had to dig. Started telling me that she thinks I'm not a dick, and it's just my shell, that I'm trying to keep people away cause I prefer to be alone. I'm just an asshole, plain and simple. I like being an asshole, my friends enjoy me as an asshole. That's just how we do. When I get to know you and get comfortable with you I tend to crack on you a lot. It's friendly. Especially sensitive subjects, it's intentional. If you can laugh at your problems you realize how small they are, that's why comedians are so effective, because people realize that shit's not really that bad. I swear if I could get into improv acts, or just write stand up acts first, I would become a comedian before a chemist. I want to make people happy, I love seeing people smile, even the stupid ones. A chemist can achieve that, but that happiness isn't genuine, it's fucking synthetic, otherwise known as unnatural. The reason anti-depressants aren't abused more than you're prescribed to is because they're just SSRIs, otherwise known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. In short that means they cause your brain to flood with serotonin by not taking any away and amping up the output at the same time. Serotonin equals happy. Serotonin can't achieve euphoria without other transmitters to accompany them. You'd have to be screwing someone that you love more than anything else in the world, and probably eating 3 cakes also to get there. SSRI's leave you in serious withdrawal as your body gets lazy with them doing all the work. They're also dangerous because you can have Serotonin syndrome, otherwise known as overdosing on your hormones. You know what doctor's don't prescribe? I'll give you a hint, it doesn't cost shit. Sunlight. That shit is good as fuck for you. Lets start off with that Serotonin and Melatonin are structural analogues. Anyone with sleeping problems knows what Melatonin is, but for those that don't it's what your body produces at night to prepare you to sleep. Them being structural analogues means that their molecular structures are very similar. To keep it short, Serotonin is produced when you get sunlight, not artificial light I'm talking UV rays, you also get some Vitamin D. Melatonin is produced when you get darkness. Your body only produces one at a time. Depression is on the rise because everyone lives indoors these days, who the fuck spends more than an hour outside at a time. As for other neurotransmitters that affect mood there's Dopamine (Content), Epinephrine (Adrenaline), Noepinephrine (Focus), and Oxytocin (Love). SNRIs are Serotonin and Epinephrine reuptake inhibitors, with some effect on Oxytocin and Dopamine levels also. In short, that's how the euphoria is achieved. Stimulants work on Dopamine receptors, and Dopamine is processed into Noepinephrine. Most common SNRIs? MDMA and Sassafrass. Illegal but the only reason they're worse than an SSRI is because they're abusable because they work on other receptors. My goal is to make a marketable SNRI if I'm to be a chemist, but that just makes the problem worse. I don't want to be a therapist because it's the same thing, prescribe medicine that causes more damage than help when used daily. Talking only gets you so far, I'm not going to be getting far if I prescribe sunlight and social interaction. Comedians bring happiness, music brings an ease to the pain. I WANNA DO SOMETHING INSPIRING. Chemistry is good and all but is it really that beneficial in what I would and seek to achieve by pursuing it? Hell no.
Now to tie this into girls because obviously it looks like I veered way off topic. The girls that I tend to like range from stupid to intelligent but there's something they share, they know how to smile. OH BOY DO THEY KNOW HOW TO SMILE. I know also that some of them know how to have a good time, that's an essential to life, not to rip off "Shameless". The second girl from Gov School(Girl number 4 of the year)? Initially I thought she was a bitch because she always looked pissed, and could be aggressive, but then I also heard her laugh and found her cute. I went to a Gov School outing because we do that type of shit and saw her playing sports and I couldn't help but be stunned. SHE WAS FUCKING RADIANT. She was having fun or atleast looked like it and was just majestic with her layups. On the other end I'm also always drawn in and intrigued by people that know how to smile but are also cynical cunts. There's a difference between being depressing and being depressed. A depressed or damaged person doesn't make it obvious, they hide behind a smile that they try to make genuine, but know how to smile when the time comes. That's what the first gov school girl was like.(Girl number 2 of the year) The girl I'm pursuing right now? Well I feel she's not that interested so that slightly kills me inside. She's always brushed off my comments and half the messages I make on facebook, but now I just feel pissed and contorted about it. Girl number four still ain't out my head yet either, especially since Gov School still has outings, and I can't help but look over at her every now and then, and also feel awkward the closer to her I am, or when she so much is in my line of sight and it's not me doing it. But eh fuck it right?