I Fucked Up

Well, the past week or two have been a drag for me. I really am Wasted Potential. Not to be full of myself, but I was one of the kids in my grade that showed a shit ton of potential. I started off my high school career well, getting great grades in classes people were having trouble in and enjoying life. I took it easy, oh yea did I take it easy, probably knocked .2 off of my GPA because I took it easy. I can't attribute that to being depressed over someone, or the home life, it was me being me. Me being a lazy piece of shit. The following year the same thing, except I knocked another .2 off my GPA because I skimmed by in two classes because I wouldn't have to take the final if I passed the SOLs. Legit I settled for I think a C in my biology class, and I know I settled for a D in my AP Human class. I also got a 3 on the exam, nothing special, or maybe it was a 4 I don't remember or care. Junior year is when it really went to the shit. I got on probation, my dad's dead and he worked as a buffer, otherwise known as my house was a hell. I had a job for about 1/3 of the school year though, but that stuff wasn't holding me back, it was me. Me deciding that I'm going to become the next artist, or the next rapper, or the next rapper. Things I still would love to do, and think I can, but becoming more in touch with reality also reminds me of how far away that is. However, junior year I lowballed the classes I shouldn't have. Again, one of the greater minds in those classes but I scraped by with some of the worst grades this time. Thanks to the GPA boost for them being AP though, I didn't suffer so much of a hit and ended my school year with a 3.7. Then there's this year, because of my shenanigans I only took the classes I needed to finish with an advanced diploma. I didn't even try in those, I finished with two A's and B, or maybe two B's and an A, I don't even remember. That is what really fucked me over. When I applied for college, it was regular decision, not early decision. The mid year report they received? Because online classes are horrible at grade reporting, they received a report that said I was failing the three classes I was taking. My test scores though, those were great. I got a 750 on the Math II, better than my friend who got a 660, and a 780 on the Chem one. My ACT scores could've used work but they don't even matter because the two colleges that might've accepted me with them and my shitty portfolio never received them in time. I got a 30 composite, my writing could've used work but I've never been good at writing tests, I got a 17. I'm disappointed in myself because I fucking threw my life away, and I fucked up big time. All the people around me telling me that no matter what I do I'm going to be successful, that I'm not going to be in the shit, but who the fuck knows. Right now, I feel like Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle. Most of all though, one of my biggest fears has come to life, following in the footsteps of my brother. I don't want to go to Nova, of course I'm going to have to because if I don't my mom will probably kick me out of the house. I also don't want to live with my mom for another year. I wanted to go somewhere new, meet new people, rediscover myself because I really don't like where I've been for the past four years. But now I have to wait another year on that life goal. Another year in hell, but is it worth it is the question.