18 Years A Few Months and Some Change

18 years a few months and some change
That's all the time that I got to my name
And I just gotta say fore I pass out
I really can't stand where I'm at
18 years a few months and some change
That's all the time that I got to my name
And I just gotta say fore I pass out
I really can't stand where I'm at

18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain
18 years a few months and some change
I really can't believe that I lost my way

Momma never knows what I'm doing
I can't agree that she should
The direction that I'm headed is a sad one
And I can't really say what's good
I got 18 years few months and some change
I haven't made life worth living in those days
My room is a tomb, I won't leave a note
One day I'm gone, no story to be told

That's 18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain
18 years a few months and some change
I really can't believe that I lost my way

Give me a year I'll be back on track
Or will I just be dead
College, a job, a life with a girl
Or one in the chamber to the head
I don't know where I'm going
I really can't stand where I'm at
In 18 years few months and some change
The only thing I've been is a brat

18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain
18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain

18 years a few months and some change
That's all the time that I got to my name
And I just gotta say fore I pass out
I really can't stand where I'm at

To Regrets by Contrary

I choose to bear witness to the faults of my past
Forming the future's a fucked up test
Relay sympathies to anyone else
Debate relationships and hear what I tell
Take a stroll through hell with me
What else is there to do, what else is there for free
What else what else what else what else fuck it man
I'd rather sit here with my dick in my hand
I was supposed to go to college but I took a different path
I can't believe it but I'm following in his footsteps
No not really, but it appears so
When I'm not some fucking scholar but a bump in the road
I walk this path alone, not by choice and not by pleasure
I gave up my direction to see the world from my tether
The price I paid, this life I made
It's not worth the trouble and the toll it takes
The actions make the man, so I've met my maker
But Imma be something whether it's now or later
I need to explore, discover, have Gatling epiphanies
Advance in my age smoothly, no worries about me
But I can't, held in the past and the future
Can't appreciate the present I've been given
Too young for my time and too old for my age
Too many unnecessary clouds in the sky tonight
But Imma fight, that's the one thing I learned
Struggling's the will to live, and I bear the burns
Like Icarus I flew too high
But I'm flame retardant I can't lie
I'll recover, relapse, mistrial and die
I'm ready for the future but what does that imply

Dignity Isn't Always Everything

So lately I've been having conversations with a good friend about relationships, mostly about his situation with his special friend and my lack of anything with a certain someone. To me, one of the biggest things is balance in a relationship. Whether it's a romantic or we're friends there always has to be a balance. The give and take has to be fair, and no one person is the one in charge or in control. Taking turns initiating, conversations being about both people and not just one, that type of crap. That type of crap is also one of the things that I see as an obstacle right now because I still seek balance, but am starting to have trouble resisting the temptation of upsetting that balance. As I've said before, I had myself get blocked for my own good and so as to leave her/him/it alone. Prior to that I'd been the one initiating every conversation, and following being blocked for awhile I thought about hitting schlim up on another account, but that thought eventually faded. Of course, it returned later but it wasn't me that put the thought in my head. My other friend? Well he's getting somewhere, or atleast further than I, and he told me I should hit Blue up, talk about whatever news there might be in our personal lives, a blah blah blah. That kickstarted it, and the sad thing is I can hit her/him/it up. It's too easy, but I shouldn't. I need to leave it to schlim to hit me up so that at least I know I'm wanted in some way, or at least giving her the space she deserves. I asked her to block me, what type of person would that make me if I was the one that broke the silence. That's where the title comes in, does dignity really matter in this situation? I'd think it doesn't, it's a private situation between two people and however I embarrass myself shouldn't come into consideration. I don't feel like she'd share whatever is exchanged, verbally and implied, with other people, and even then what dignity do I have left to lose with her?him?it? But, the next question is it worth it. I know I'll be soaked in mental anguish following the conversation, I know I'll be euphoric during, I know it won't take me anywhere. I don't feel safe talking to it, when it's the only other person I've been able to bare myself to, but then again are they still that person? I did the usual, I flipped a coin on it, and this time I listened to the coin. Two tails right away. This flipping a coin thing though needs to stop, I gotta go with my heart on these types of decisions, even if my mind knows what might happen.

In The Time Of Chimpanzees I Was A Monkey

Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me.
For a song that was written full of nonsensical imagery, Loser is a timeless song. I remember listening to it back in fourth grade, and it still bangs. Even more though, it speaks lengths to me, despite it being nonsense. Beck even said that if he knew the song would blow up as it did he would've put in more work with the lyrics. But, fuck it you know, I'm a loser and proud. This next year should be different though, I hope it'll be different, because my lack of resolve and motivation is starting to be disturbing. I'm not demoralized, but I've slid back to the apathetic personality that's always defined me. Who the hell has to practice smiling on que, who the hell feels content but at the same time I'm not satisfied.This is going to be my summer of discontent because I get to watch people move on with their lives, while I'm stuck behind. Now, that's a smack to the face to many of my friends that are going to Nova, so I don't have to watch them leave, but at the same time they aren't my closest friends. Ok my ONE closest friend is leaving, something I would be doing too if I didn't make the one mistake that I've actually grown to regret. The dream's alive still, the dream of leaving this ratty ass town, the dream of being a great, but it's slowly dying as I sometimes feel I am. In a few years my friend that plays Dota with me will be considered an old man in Dota relativity. Now, there's pro players well over 25, but 25 is old in Dota years, as I think 35 is old in football years. You don't dull in old age, but you want to represent the brand well, and that's with young faces, not neckbeards and beer guts. Dota's changed so much since I started playing 4 years ago, as has my skill. While my playstyle is adaptable to what is now Dota, it's not best suited for it and needs to change along with it. Originally it was all about objectives in the game, Roshan, Towers, Barracks, and Throne. A game could be fast as hell if you had a good push team. Snowballs were common if you had all the T1s by 10 minutes and all the T2s by 20. And while people did that you'd have that one carry that farmed for those 30 minutes in the small chance that a push strat didn't pay off. But the question is, is that entertaining to watch? Hell no! No one wants to watch people farm for 30 minutes and at the end of the game the score is 9-15. They want to see a game that ends with the score in the 50s and up on both sides. So slowly, as all dota changes occur, they patched in transitions to focusing on fighting. All new items added emphasis on fighting, rather than pushing, and comeback mechanics have been added in to allow for a more entertaining game. As for other fronts? Don't have a booth to drop songs in, or any money to pay for beats from a dude that implied he'd give em to me for free. Getting a job? Possibly, also why I need to practice smiling, but it's a deadend job that is going to make me more pissed and annoyed. Apparel production? No money to kickstart it and even then, it's a gamble just buying the samples, with a high chance of being a wasted 100 bucks. Writing, well I've had writers block for a few months now, mostly because my memory is starting to get patchy so writing my book is a drag, especially since it's supposed to be my David Copperfield, but it's primary premise was supposed to be the influence of religion on someone. Which the beginning is, and the story as a whole is me attributing my rough upbringing to my dad being zealous and how it affected my relationship with him, and consequentially my outlooks and social abilities. But I digress, to me the future is bleak but still holds the potential that I've always seen, just many many setbacks.