In The Time Of Chimpanzees I Was A Monkey

Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me.
For a song that was written full of nonsensical imagery, Loser is a timeless song. I remember listening to it back in fourth grade, and it still bangs. Even more though, it speaks lengths to me, despite it being nonsense. Beck even said that if he knew the song would blow up as it did he would've put in more work with the lyrics. But, fuck it you know, I'm a loser and proud. This next year should be different though, I hope it'll be different, because my lack of resolve and motivation is starting to be disturbing. I'm not demoralized, but I've slid back to the apathetic personality that's always defined me. Who the hell has to practice smiling on que, who the hell feels content but at the same time I'm not satisfied.This is going to be my summer of discontent because I get to watch people move on with their lives, while I'm stuck behind. Now, that's a smack to the face to many of my friends that are going to Nova, so I don't have to watch them leave, but at the same time they aren't my closest friends. Ok my ONE closest friend is leaving, something I would be doing too if I didn't make the one mistake that I've actually grown to regret. The dream's alive still, the dream of leaving this ratty ass town, the dream of being a great, but it's slowly dying as I sometimes feel I am. In a few years my friend that plays Dota with me will be considered an old man in Dota relativity. Now, there's pro players well over 25, but 25 is old in Dota years, as I think 35 is old in football years. You don't dull in old age, but you want to represent the brand well, and that's with young faces, not neckbeards and beer guts. Dota's changed so much since I started playing 4 years ago, as has my skill. While my playstyle is adaptable to what is now Dota, it's not best suited for it and needs to change along with it. Originally it was all about objectives in the game, Roshan, Towers, Barracks, and Throne. A game could be fast as hell if you had a good push team. Snowballs were common if you had all the T1s by 10 minutes and all the T2s by 20. And while people did that you'd have that one carry that farmed for those 30 minutes in the small chance that a push strat didn't pay off. But the question is, is that entertaining to watch? Hell no! No one wants to watch people farm for 30 minutes and at the end of the game the score is 9-15. They want to see a game that ends with the score in the 50s and up on both sides. So slowly, as all dota changes occur, they patched in transitions to focusing on fighting. All new items added emphasis on fighting, rather than pushing, and comeback mechanics have been added in to allow for a more entertaining game. As for other fronts? Don't have a booth to drop songs in, or any money to pay for beats from a dude that implied he'd give em to me for free. Getting a job? Possibly, also why I need to practice smiling, but it's a deadend job that is going to make me more pissed and annoyed. Apparel production? No money to kickstart it and even then, it's a gamble just buying the samples, with a high chance of being a wasted 100 bucks. Writing, well I've had writers block for a few months now, mostly because my memory is starting to get patchy so writing my book is a drag, especially since it's supposed to be my David Copperfield, but it's primary premise was supposed to be the influence of religion on someone. Which the beginning is, and the story as a whole is me attributing my rough upbringing to my dad being zealous and how it affected my relationship with him, and consequentially my outlooks and social abilities. But I digress, to me the future is bleak but still holds the potential that I've always seen, just many many setbacks.