Bruh I'm An Artist

Ok, personally I consider myself an artist in a lot of ways, but I don't consider myself the "artist" type. When I use that term I mean those people that try to apply a science to their art. It can still look beautiful, it can still look amazing, but it's those people that make me want to shit myself in disgust. It's those same people that'll look down their nose at others that participate in a similar craft, you know why? Cause, these niggas be sophisticated yo, I mean they're straight deep with that line they drew, next to the other line, next to that BIG line that's at the bottom to fuck with your perception. I'll be upfront, I can be a music snob, but guess what? The same artists that I make fun of every now and then I also know for a fact make some sick shit. I listen to "unintelligent" music, I say it's unintelligent because half the time it's about the same content in hip hop, drugs sex and money. Guess what though? I can still appreciate that line that used some crazy wordplay, even if it's a played out content. Art is about expression, there's no right or wrong way there's only your way. Niggas these days be creating rules and criteria to judge art, when who the fuck has the right to do that? Some of you few readers that I don't have are probably wondering, why is he so heated right now? WHY RANDOMLY RANT? OBVIOUSLY I HAVE A REASON TO AND IT'S COMING! I was scrolling through facebook and saw a post by this guy in Art of Gloving. He's resharing a really good article to read on the gloving scene as of yet, but what he says with it is what got to me. He says gloving being mainstream is bad, that the newbies joining on make the scene look bad and do too many drugs. The way he worded it just struck me as, well, full of himself? snarky? narcissistic? Like I looked into this dude and he posts life feed Q and As that he does for about 15 minutes a piece that no one looks at, and he hasn't only done 2 or 3. Personally, I don't think drugs are the root of gloving like my friend Outlaw, but I do think they helped play a part. The gloving scene developed alongside or from the PLUR movement, it's another form of light/flow art. It has it's place in and outside of raves and festies, and could've been conceived by someone that never even touched a bowl or blunt, but I don't know Brian Lim. But, it's always been a favorite for potheads, for trippers, probably even for heroine addicts, in fact I knew a few that love that shit. Then, to say it makes the scene look bad, all the newbies, and the drugs. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TALK? AIN'T NOBODY FUCK WITH YOU BOY! And um also, that goes against what any art movement has, inclusion. It being mainstream benefits the scene, the more exposure it gets the less discrimination. Emazing and other companies wouldn't be able to stage gloving events without that exposure, there'd be more people getting told they should stop jacking off a ghost if the scene wasn't mainstream. There's pros and cons, but I personally prefer the scene's rise to mainstream. But, it's this type of shit that makes me mad. When someone says that there's a right way to do something with no rules, suggest criteria to be a practitioner in self expressions, that is disgusting. That is looking down your nose at people that never did anything wrong to you. That is putting yourself on an undeserved pedestal and when someone comes through and knocks you off, you're going to be wondering what you're doing on the floor not even realizing how close to the ground you already were. Hey look, I dunno, I'm not some pro, then again I don't think there's such thing as a pro when it comes to art, only fame.Oh and fuck hipsters, not the real hipsters that don't flaunt it, the ones that think they need to be on the cutting edge of shit, and that they're too good for anything everyone else has heard of, fucking genderqueer, I was the first to do this, man I'm the only this, a BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK. I could be the first person in my neighborhood to have a dad past age 5 but that doesn't make it special.

Excuses

I've always hated to hear excuses, and hated even more when I gave them. As time goes on though, I feel I make excuses to myself the most. An explanation for every single choice I've made against what I'd prefer. Mostly with girls though, I stand in my own way with girls. If I don't go overboard and scare them off I normally end up acting evasive as fuck. Especially now, where most people to pursue are also leaving to college, it's easy to make the excuse. Like FUCK man, I said I wouldn't go after a girl because she's vegan. The explanation? Well, I'd assume that if I were to date them they'd be hanging out with me often and I'd feel obligated to eat vegan when they're around, especially if I'm probably going to cook for them at one point. While it's true, it's definitely not a good reason. I could still eat normally when they aren't around and it's not like they're going to be moving in or something. It's weird for me, feeling scared of something. For the past four years I haven't felt genuine fear in a long time, and when I do it's not the fear of being alone, it's the fear of what I might do when I'm not alone. Especially since the beach incident, especially because of the vibes I've been getting, the images that've been smacking me, the flush of deja vu. I'd say Summer is my favorite season of the year, but it's got so much shit that happens to me around this time, between it being the time that my luck normally goes to shit and it being that time that forgotten dreams become reality, it's the worst time. It'd be nice to have someone though, but in the end will it even matter. I don't see where I'm going to be in a year, I don't even see where I'm going to be in a month. I need to register for community college, still waiting on my diploma in the mail, but I don't even know what classes I even want to take. There's obligatory classes of course, but even those I don't know. Like seriously, fuck math. I'm going to say it again, FUCK MATH. I gotta take a math class I couldn't give two shits about, I'm pretty sure. Science? That's easy, chemistry. But do I even still care about a career as a chemist? Then it's writing classes, philosophy classes, psychology classes, and art classes. Probably go for a class or two in music theory also, but again in the end is that what I really care to do? In two years I'm still going to be undecided, and in two years I'm still going to be going seemingly somewhere, but in reality nowhere. Chances are, I'm going to end up with some deskjob that sucks my soul out also, or some science career doing something that I'm actually against but need to make ends meet. I'm not going to get that life of adventure I've thirsted for for so long, that's what it feels like, and chances are that's what it will be.

I never knew god, I've only known me
I never had a friend to trust completely
My ideals, my troubles, my past and my pain
Locked up in a safe with the key thrown away
No worries, they're my secrets to hold
Fuck the Patriot Act, these thoughts were never told
My badge is a knockoff, didn't throw the cops off
Today's a big day but I want to go home
Lay down in bed and think all alone
But no, not today, not tomorrow
Put my head before the chopping block, slam time was borrowed
Now the debt has been paid, this man has been made
He's mentally chained to the wall
Don't know where he is, no one to call
He now knows how Prometheus felt
Prosecuted for his thoughts on right on wrong
But different from the god, I lost control
I wasn't myself and the beast took his toll
Look at me in my primal state and see
I'm what every man would think a bad man to be

Fingerscrossed, toes curled, skin crawling
Can't see the future yet, so no backwards head
Faced forward, my mind's not at ease
I did the crime, did some time, now to pay a fee
Not yet, but I want to be a Mandela
Bringing out change like a cash register
But I can't, if I have a record
Not tryna follow suit, but write the wrong letter
What am I a monkey? These clothes are too tight
Getting choked by the system and the tie
Over under, knotted and neat
Fuck that shit it's not for me
Fuck that system that I've been forced to be
Integrate the world but force equality
Force ignorance, but no bliss
I've been to the temple but didn't think this
Been in the system since day one
But I wasn't under eyes til year one
I want to leave this world with my shit done
But the corruption made clear can't be undone

Neverland

Never had no act, never had the crack
Never dropped the shit like I dropped a track
Never played the game that I knew was best
Never had a girl cause I'm scared of sex

Never never never never never never never
That's all I really say, just never never never
Well Neverland's here so come fly with me
I got a case of beer and half a G
I got a full tank of gas but no license
Never had the time to cop it, but I'm driving
Steering wheel, steer me in the right direction
Cause my hands off the wheel as I'm flexing

Never had no act, never had the crack
Never dropped the shit like I dropped a track
Never played the game that I knew was best
Never had a girl cause I'm scared of sex

What you gonna do when the cops come calling
Can't run forever when they know you balling
Captain Hook yo he ain't my problem
Just looking for Wendy and my calling
Not looking for bitches, they'll have me bawling
I'm looking for strange, yea that's my problem
I'm a wanderer now, and I heard she's here
Get off my ass to go cop a pair

Never had no act, never had the crack
Never dropped the shit like I dropped a track
Never played the game that I knew was best
Never had a girl cause I'm scared of sex

Never never never never never never never
Never had no time, never had no pleasure
Never was the shit, never had the bitch
Never copped a key like it was a ritz
Never got away from some waspy shit
Never been abandoned cause I'm all there is
Never owned the building or dropped the town
Never had a party with a birthday clown
Never was I clean or copped the leather
Never Never Never just Never Never Never
Never will I be the only one
That puts himself out there just for fun
Never copped a rollie, what the fuck's a bezel
Never lived that life but I got the medal

?

It's times like this that I start to question my faith in the universe. I've been good, rolled with all the blows I've been given, done what I can to spread positive vibes, and whatever I've gotten I've deserved. To me, we're all instruments of destiny and fate, and whether there's a god or not they too are only instruments, forces of nature and servants. Following graduation day things were still amazing. Graduation day was an amazing day, I felt like I was on molly and I ain't even touch that shit for a minute. Didn't get the bitch fight I expected with a counselor that was being a little pushy, talked up a girl on Tinder that was honestly a pot of gold to me, I'm talking a girl that I can say anything fucked up to and isn't a sheep. Other things on that list are I directed someone to where she could find a job, the same place I found a job, it made her day. I got props on my hair because having long hair puts you in a private club of dudes with long hair. Just a beautiful day. The next day I hear back from the staffing group I'm filed with and turns out I got a job that I make 120 at a day before taxes. Then, that's when it went downhill. Towards the end of talking to the girl I started acting more retarded as a result that I was also going on fumes, I hit the 24 mark about 2 before I stopped talking to her. The following days from Monday I tried to relight the conversation with her, and also apologize to her for my behavior. Of course, because I'm me and I actually really liked this girl off the bat, I overcorrected myself into shit. I'm hoping it's something stupid like her parents made her cut me off, but I doubt it. And then the job? Oh the job. I went into work, did a full shift, didn't take anymore breaks than what was offered, and felt fine on a muscular and skeletal level the next day. But, I also got sick the next day, pretty sure I got poisoning from the ink they used there because the whole next day I'm tasting and smelling it constantly. So of course I call in sick, which made me lose the job too. It's understandable, both situations are understandable. I did it to myself with the girl, and I could've toughed it out with the job too, but I didn't so again I did it to myself. While there'll always be other girls, and other jobs, you don't find a pot of gold everyday, every week, every month, every year, or probably even every decade. Maybe I'm just not ready for a girl, I still got damage from the stupid shit that's happened to me in the past four. I come off as a fucking psycho, part of why I have to act like a predator and look for women on Tinder, the worst place to find intelligent life if you ask me. I can't really pick a girl up in public, because I can tell you if I get her number I'll probably pester her til I'm blocked. As for the job? While it was easy work it was also long hours, hours I could've handled but seeing as I got poisoning ( again I think ) there I'd have been working myself into the hospital for when all of a sudden I collapse at work one day. The ONE TIME I could've helped my neighbor, who does so much for me, I can't though, that's what makes me mad. That was part of why I was so happy to get a job, because I could finally help him. But my path diverges like I'm Robert Frost, and I always take the one less traveled, not so much by choice. My true talent, the reason I know I'm lucky as fuck, the reason I know I'm blessed, is I always come in clutch, and I can create change like a bee makes honey. But, a bullet can hit it's target but still only make a dent.

I Know

I've known G's and I've known babies

I've known bitches I've known ladies

I've known kids and known adults

I've known men and I've known dolts

This year I graduate not a story to be told

It's the end of an era and everyone be bold

I've known love and I've known hate

I've known brothers and I've known bait

I know blood is thicker than water

But that saying's been known to be shorter

I know where I'm headed is greatness

My throne at the top has been fated

We really out here, well where else we be

I know this life is mine, not for anyone but me

I know what it's like not to be free

A new lease on life, no, I'm seeing through deceit

I know what it's like to be worthless

But I learned what it's like to be worth it

I wouldn't be here without my family

But that blood's a different blood than what you would think

Dear Future

Dropped a dime I dropped an ounce
Dropped a pound I dropped the town
Epidemic, I'm on that Galaxy yeah
I ain't going back cause I've been to hell
I ain't going back cause that shit is real
When you getting whipped and you getting sick
Rolling blackouts, now ain't that shit
Or is it
I gotta lay some prose for those
That still making stacks under the government's nose
It ain't that glamorous but who knows
You might make it big before ya pants hit the floor
Take it from me, I'm an adult
Living that life doesn't last when you're old
When you grow up you going to see
That those 10 years, fuck no, they weren't free

It takes a week to form a habit A lifetime to break it
My mom's is at the door but she ain't about to break in
A week to form a habit and you getting close to breaking
My mom's is at the door ain't about the life I'm making

I been in the hood, been in the street
Bent over walls, been up the creek
Did my time and searched to the feet
It's sad to say, I admitted defeat
Fuck the system that I lived in
And fuck the system that we living
Making a change is no difference
Get out of Dodge if you living
Fighting for peace, contradiction
Living to die is my mission
Working two jobs, an addiction
Always was highest off prescription
Never made cash that wasn't spent
Remember the past, hellbent
Had my bad bitches, content
But now I just pitch a tent

It takes a week to form a habit A lifetime to break it
My mom's is at the door but she ain't about to break in
A week to form a habit and you getting close to breaking
My mom's is at the door ain't about the life I'm making

I'm here to leave my past in my past to be present for my future
I never had a chance that I didn't pass for couture
I used to take bars, pop caps, never bust back
Never hit a lick but you know me when the car pass
Got fed up with the life I was living
Getting clocked in the head for a bill was a feeling
Never wanted straps but I got one for my safety
Didn't need the clip but I got one for my babies
Not a baby daddy more like a baby nanny
I'm saving for the future so no cash is spent on fanny
It's all about the family, not about the life
I'm shouting fuck the game while I'm carrying a knife
I'm shouting fuck you man while he beating on my brother
Never give a damn what you doing so don't bother
I reconciled time I shoulda spent with my mother
Invested in the future, that ain't my money it's for others

For Big Brother Leo