*Sigh* The Despair And Loneliness

Ugh, my life just feels boring and horrible. I'm not suicidal/hyper depressive anymore but I still have depression to deal with. Just not a day goes by that I don't dream of having her in my arms but now I need to back off. I don't manage to talk to her either. She'll just talk to me then stop talking. I don't blame her though, repetitively asking her out was stupid and I don't know why I did it. I guess it just means I can't really try to plan out life, it's quite stupid. I didn't know how fast my feelings would buildup. I was planning on asking her out in Senior year, SENIOR YEAR. I didn't even wait til' the end of Freshman to ask her. Seriously, I'll just lay in my room daydreaming about her. If I'm not thinking about how I wish I wasn't such a fool and how much I screwed up I lay there and think of what I'd do if I had waited and she thought to say yes. One of her posts was about how she was giving up on love and that she sees no value in a hug or a kiss or any romantic embrace. Well you know what it means to me? If I hug a girl it's me knowing that she's safe. It's me being told I'm not alone. It's another way to say I love you. A hug is universal for a reason, it can mean almost anything. And to me, a hug from her would mean that my life is fulfilled. I promise, I'd be euphoric. I'd be stuck grinning for a month. But to hug a person and just feel their heartbeat along with being able to smell their hair and feel their warmth, it'd mean everything to me. If only I loved someone that loved me back. Only loving two girls is quite depressing, especially when they don't like me the same way. I know I'm too young to mourn my loneliness or even fall in love but I'm different from most people. I had to grow up while kids were still preoccupied with their little kid lives. Issues with my dad have just been traumatic, and now the shit with my brother didn't make it any better. But now I've lived quite selfless and not as materialistic as I used to be. Especially at home where I do most of the work. I don't get to indulge myself a lot, my dad acts like it's a horrible crime. It's retarded, the hardest worker isn't allowed to enjoy life and can't "get his vice" while the lazy shit that hasn't done taxes and the only work he does is driving people around is allowed to go crazy with money that he didn't even earn. I don't like the idea of welfare. They should atleast evaluate whether the person is capable of getting a job, it's horrible for the economy to indulge laziness in people. What reason would they have to go job hunting when they can get paid in other people's money to sit around all day?