So To The New Year?

So today's New Year's Eve, what a great joy. If the sarcasm isn't obvious it's because I don't see it as much of a holiday. It celebrates people getting drunk off their ass, but also pledging to fix themselves. Now the pledging to fix themselves is something that shouldn't be holiday oriented. It should just come naturally rather than a calendar telling you to. There's also my deadening enthusiasm to post again. I found when I'm feeling happier, I'm less prone to post because I don't have a need to complain or moan about what's wrong with my life. I could always make happy posts, but I'm having more trouble doing that than I did when I began. I'd like to say my New Year's Resolution is, as usual, to go back to being the jolly fuck  I used to always be. Even though times change, my previous personality is one that I missed. Sometimes being a total asshole seems more appealing to me, less need to stomach the gut wrenching fucks I see at school, a lot easier to externalize anger and annoyance. Of course, I still enjoy things how they are, I don't want to be a dick to people more, I just want to be able to smile, be social, and not feel like the weird kid that belongs in the corner of a party cause he can't make good conversation with anyone. I'm slowly feeling like Holden Caulfield from The Catcher In The Rye due to my momentous disgust of society and my slow growth to being more anti-social along with it. But my other resolution, which helps with growth in the first one, is removing my thoughts of her. I've been trying hard as fuck and it takes forever to get any progress. But as long as I still ponder thoughts of her, I'm still going to always feel depressed. My favorite thing about school, my reason for ignoring homework and doing what I find interest in, it's because it distracts me. Reading a boring ass book or doing math problems leaves my mind time to wander until it settles on a subject. But, atleast I know I can purge myself of my problem eventually.

Let's Write a Book

Eyes blazed red not just from the rage
He's still stuck trying to write the next page
But the last chapter's so long and drawn out
It's become everything that the story's about
The readers keep interest but what of the author
His mind is in it but his heart's for another
He hates where he is and wants to get out
But every time he leaves it's on a roundabout
As he rounds the next turn his mind's still a blur
Distorted and twisted by the thoughts of her
The thoughts that he never seems to escape
Even in sleep he feels wide awake
The feelings that seem to haunt everyday
The urges that seem to never go away
Because all he knows is his own pain
He reciprocates actions almost the same
Suffers in silence with his thoughts feeling faint
Can't lift his madness but makes it rain
The author lives everyday deranged
Never to find an ease to his pain

I kinda like these verses I wrote, express a feeling I have. As stated earlier, I got reminded by the most unexpected person well you should be able to guess who it was. Literally just a casual hey which I responded to with a question mark. She even gave me advice on being an Admin, including a message to relay to another one on the page. But I knew whatever I got was temporary, when school starts back up I'm going to continue to avoid her, not look at her, not talk towards her. Not just because I doubt she wants any attention from me, but even though talking to her was like a nice breeze to the face on a hot day, it's more comparable to a heroin needle. I'd enjoy it for then but the pain from not being able to continue enjoying it will be unbearable, is unbearable. I started to feel duller, less wandering thoughts about her, less strikes in the back of my mind everytime anyone talked about her in a conversation I was part of. But her talking to me made me lose that progress. I doubt it'll last long though. I'll be back to how I was before she decided to grace me within a week or two. But hey, even though I hate those feelings it's nice to know they're still there.

An Admin's World

Oh god, I need to get back into this. It's been so long, I mean IT'S ALMOST BEEN A MONTH. But being a facebook admin isn't as fun as I thought it would, especially when you're feeling more socially introverted than usual. Not knowing what to say, losing your natural ability to entertain people that aren't right there in front of you, it's really saddening to me. So I had a nice start, getting a good amount of likes on each picture I posted on the page, but then I kinda got lost along the way. Either I started picking bad content, or I already picked all the good content. If that weren't bad enough, if I didn't say it in my reopening post, I'm hated on the page. Not overly hated, thank astral being, but I've been called a tumor. Well, someone told me if he had a tumor he'd name it after me, which made me feel honored. Like people being dickholes is one thing, but if it's to someone that they don't know, or is trying hard enough to do something for them, you know reviving a page that was dearly loved, it's fuckboy shit to be an ass to them. But hey, then again it's the internet and they have a mindset of anyone new is murder to the page. There was another kid that kept complaining on the page about how shitty it's become and how he'd do better. Cause he thinks just cause it's offensive it's good content. He got to being an admin, which shut him up, and he can shit post sometimes. One of his pictures which was horridly dull  got reported, an old 9/11 joke with an xbox achievement pulled up on it. It didn't get jack shit on it either, which annoyed me more. There's one thing to post something that's offensive and funny, but to post something offensive and more worn out than a prostitutes slot, well then what the fuck. I honestly don't care much about offensive content seeing as I have a very desensitized and diluted radar for finding things offensive, and am more just wary of others. I can thank one of my friends for that, he likes to say fucked up shit in private, which got reciprocated by someone I don't really enjoy that likes copying him, except it was out loud to his class. Like fuck, I'm from the internet. You see fucked up shit everywhere. There's just a few things that can get to me. Like someone calling their own sibling a retard, which I personally find offensive. I mean shit, that's your flesh and blood atleast use a nicer term. But whatever, I have posted my own semi-offensive content on it. Specifically about how Justin Beiber should kill himself to truly be the Kurt Cobain of this generation.

Here, Have An Update

So I was reminded by the most unlikely person about my abandonment of this blog, which leads to my apology to anyone that actually enjoyed the rants and ramblings I have here. I didn't abandon it much by choice but because I found the stuff I was saying was just repeating what I've already said, and in general it was quite bland and uninteresting. It saddens me how much I've lost my sense of humor and ability to interact with other people. But so, I have an update on my life for anyone that may care to read. First off, I'm an admin on Hipster Darth Vader and I haven't done the best job but an ok one. I'm still trying to find good content, but my sense of humor can differ greatly from others. My pictures are so hit and miss and about 75% of them will get a good amount of likes, while the rest barely scrape up 5. But hey, atleast I'm an admin. I'm only even an admin cause she decided to leave the page so I asked for admin when the person she gave it to was looking. He wanted me to be one earlier so I got it. Another update, I have started listening to more Hoodie Allen. There's also some OCD: Moosh and Twist that I listen to. Both pretty nice artists to listen to, OCD is a black white duo, which always manages to produce nice music. Umm what else. Oh, I got another glove set, yes another one. That makes my 3 eLite one, this one is again the newest ones, Chroma. The Oracles were nice, but the Chroma, oh god the Chroma. I haven't even programmed them and I'm already obsessed with them. I have another light up toy now as well, Podpoi. I still need to learn them though, they're a lot different from poing with gloves. First day I got them I hit myself in the face four or five times right off the bat. I'll try to get back to posting on here though. I just haven't had anything to say in awhile. My final update though, my hair is LONG. Not as long as my brother's used to be, sadly used to be. He shaved his hair which he's been growing for like a full year. But my hair turns out to curl, not super curly, but it has about 2 inch curves to it. I think, more like hope, it's just a few weeks from a ponytail. I've been growing it for awhile without the cut it so it grows faster technique. I really wanna get dreads, something a couple people have told me to do, but my hair is too slick. Whether I wash it or not it can't get braided that easily.

:/

I could use someone to talk to right now.