Diluded Delusions

So I've started to think back on my past self a lot lately. Especially with the gossip that I tend to hear every now and then it tends to make me think back on the past in general. Being the crazy storyteller I am, I do often look back to the retarded mishaps I've allowed myself to get into. Not to sound egotistical but I've always been a being of high intelligence, but I found I was a lot more deluded then which is why whenever I think back on myself I find myself stupider and stupider. Not to say I'm not deluded now, I'm quite sure I'm really deluded now and just know it because delusions are natural mental creations that your mind will strive to maintain. But to go with the concept of ignorance bringing bliss, I was happier then. If I'm not as deluded as I was then, I really wish I was. At least I was happy then, now most things are kind of a daze to me, even memories of the past year are fleeting. I enjoyed the delirium that I had, that should label me as insane but kept me sane. But maybe it's good that I can see a little better through the haze, maybe it won't benefit me knowingly because right now I feel miserable. And no, this isn't related to my dad's death. To be honest, despite it being bad to speak ill of the dead, my dad was a piece of shit who treated me like shit. Even though he strived for my attention and affection, obvious from some of the ways he acted, the person I came to know was a  douchebag. There's not better way to say it, but after his death I thought back on things more to realize he did care for me, he just didn't know how to show it sometimes.