Why do I feel like I need you? I obviously don't if I managed to last what's coming close to a year without having you to confide in, rant to, laugh with, and more. I'd say it's my building depression or my father's death that creates these feelings of dependency but I know that's bullshit. I was feeling a need to talk to you prior to his passing and my building depression is also a regressive one that builds and falls just to build again. The blame more likely belongs with the fact I'm starting to feel more comfortable around you, clearly not enough to openly talk to you. I feel like I'm getting closer to a border that I know I won't cross, whether by my choice or yours. Despite my deep desire to cross that line and go from that fucked up kid that has a thing for you and slowly to being your friend again, I'm apprehensive just out of the fear that if I somehow were to, I would just fuck up and ruin it. I wouldn't be able to handle earning my way back into your life just to get myself kicked out in a day. As for your choice, it wouldn't surprise me if you're scared of me. Not so much me but my affection for you. Of all that shit I hear from the little brown boy that's the one thing I indefinitely believe without doubt. You probably understand parts of my mind better than me because of your outside view, and I can only imagine the trauma you endured during the later years of our time as "friends". Sadly I don't think I'll ever recover and kick this addiction to whatever my pretty thoughts of you generate in my body. I've already discovered that my standards are you, every girl I talk to and even consider to be a potential I subconsciously compare to you. Like any other person that feels driven by what can only properly be described as a hunger, nothing is even close to the real thing. No matter how many similarities they share with you I'll never decide to divert my attention to them. I may fancy ideas of grandeur with them in my lap, but they're ideas I'll never attempt to turn reality because as I said, they're not you. Even just physical features become a template that I end up wanting every girl to fit into. Take your haircut for example, a haircut that on any other girl I would call a dyke cut it ended up becoming a fetish for me to see girls with their hair cut short and in that way, just because it's similar to you. I don't even know why I'm writing this stupid and overly sweet but obviously deranged message to you. What's it going to accomplish, even if you still read this stain? Besides me expressing my true thoughts, nothing. Because, in all honesty and no matter how much it disgusts me, I believe I have given up hope. The closer to the border I got the more I could see how far away from it you stood. Early in the school year I entertained the idea almost every day that you would miraculously return as the lovely and sweet child that made me feel sublime and managed to break my perpetual cycle of anger and depression. A delusion I hoped too much to be possible, but realizing that even though history repeats itself, it's hard to repeat such a situation as ours, much less ensure that I won't repeat my mistakes as well.