They say happiness is a state of mind, a choice. Being happy isn't something that happens, it's something you consciously are. While that's good and all, sometimes it's easy to forget that you have a choice, or as everyone always experiences, there's a point in life where you feel like you lost control of your life, and thus there's no such thing as a choice, only a condition, a path left to travel despite the many forks in the road, it's just too dark to see. I've been talking to her lately. She unblocked me and messaged me out of the blue, as is expected, and said she wanted to move past any bad blood we might've had. I whole heartedly took it, knowing what was inevitable, that she wanted things to be platonic, not romantic. Shit I shouldn't even be calling her a her, it's a he, she identifies as a he, and is the only dude as of yet that I've ever been gay for. Leave it to me to momentarily forget where I stand with her, as nothing, whenever I talk to her. She's worse than any other drug because she's the one I got addicted to, there's nothing more unique than the feeling you get when you talk to that one person that's got your heart in a chokehold and likes to squeeze. I told her that too, I told her that I think she's bad for me, practically told her she's poison, and she is. But per my path of self-destruction it was also inevitable for me to commit emotional suicide as well. I may feel on top of the world when I talk to her, but I also feel six feed under hell when I'm done. Not comparable to the comedown from molly, no. More comparable to the feeling one probably gets after doing heroin for the first time, going off of what I'd feel like after eating more painkillers than the serving size. I can't believe I let myself get deluded yet again. She has this uncanny ability you know, I'll forget about her, it takes awhile, then right away she appears from the mist and reminds me what I wanted to forget. I think she does it on purpose, gets some sick enjoyment out of it because she knows she has me on some leash that's ten inches shorter than my throat's diameter. Says she wants to be friends again, but then also will remind me of the past without me bringing anything up to warrant it. Atleast that's what I was told when I asked why, why waste her time with me of all people, why talk to me when she knows where I'm headed, why bother when I'm going to become a tumor the way things go, the way they always go. The thing is, following that conversation I felt like I was the one in control for once, even though in any proper type of relationship there shouldn't be a power struggle. There was a ground established that I could stand on, I told her I wouldn't bother her unless I was fucked up, and to hit me up whenever she felt like it. I actually could've been, but as always I threw it out. A few days later I get fucked up, I tell her I miss her, explain how crazy I feel about her, even said something along the lines of,"Let's make a deal, when we grow up and you become a man, I'll become a woman and we get married". That's not the person she wanted to see, and I'm pretty sure earlier she didn't really care much either. Like I said, I felt toyed with, that's what it sounded like. I'm there to talk to when she's bored, according to her she only has two friends. I'm a convenience and a cheap source of entertainment, get teased like a dog with a ball. But after that night wherever I stood didn't exist anymore, because she said she didn't want to talk to me when I'm high, I say I'm always high, I don't have to be on drugs, and she said she doesn't think she wants to be friends again. As constantly said, wouldn't surprise me if she didn't care earlier either, but it's better the way things are. I even told her about a failed attempt last year and after telling her it confirmed she didn't care. She said shes glad i didn't and when I asked why she said it's cause she'd feel guilty. Besides her having the esteem to think it was just about her, it shows how she thinks. She only talked to me out of guilt and probably pity, she didn't want both sides of me, she just wanted the dumbass, not the sensitive one also .
I may want to talk to her, I may thirst for that attention from her, but it's better that I don't get any. At least I hope it is.
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