The line between creepy and sweet is too thin
While stalker and lover lie down next to it
An obsession with pleasure
I regress to fiending
As the bottom of the bottle drops
And the thoughts start to get lost
I can't see clear
About to act from fear
And the mind is just stuck in a rut
Tryna be deep I don't mean to be blunt

I walk down this line but I can't strut straight
I guess you could say I have a drunk mind state
Too many pretties but not enough face
Too many thoughts stuck as thoughts, not taste
And I start to question my tongue
Cause this bullshit just isn't fun
I may be good for days
But never for the week
I'm acting like I'm tweaked
And caked up on the beat
And wandering through the haze
Cause the shades are still shut
The sun still shining
But no lights touch

I'm a diamond in the rough
And this gemstone's smashed
The pretty little dust
Is ready for the pass
Through the nasal
And the drip
Take the head
Not the tip
I might as well be an addict if I'm living like this
Stuck strung out
And really fucking pissed
That I let the chance go
If it was even a chance I guess
As I blend into the crowd
All the chatter's getting loud
And I don't know where it is I is
A bordering masochist
Cause the mental anguish comes next
After all the pleasure
That's all that's fucking left
And the anger compliments
Like  peanut butter to jelly
So Imma enjoy the sandwich

Detoxify my veins in vain
As my somber brain gains pain
And the thoughts get slow
Sober time again
I'll jot down this line
Pay the fine then try again
Write a rhyme again
Is this right this time
Or is it wrong again
Nicotine for the fiend
And caffeine for the mind
Dragon breath death
And the sight's still fine
Draggin this on to long
And the freestyle's gone
But no set rhyme scheme
Recycled near the end rhyme
But nothing yet set
Set in stone or in pen
Nowhere close to end
Just take another breath
Maybe think about some breasts
Maybe drift off again

Remix

Track 6: Alan's in Wonderland

Get out of my head
You're supposed to be dead
Stop wandering through my mind like this
The light that was lit got blown out like a bitch
But these candles gotta be a trick
I found some new flavor
And got a new taste
But you still gotta be on my mind
So I guess it's time
I undo the rewind
But stick to the usual grind
Five days sober is going to seven
But five days blank is to two
The five days mean nothing to anyone at all
Especially not to you

Intense sensation
I take the contagion
Cause it keeps me warm inside
B LAZ E's on bitch mode
Get ready for the groan
And the relapse
All in good time

Fuck this shit
I don't wanna be your nigga
Bitch, please get out of my head
These thoughts are fed
And my face is turning red
As I suffocate
Defecate
Subtly solicit sympathy
Death to the rewind
Fined for the signs
My fortune's been told
That Imma grow old
Be a virgin and a father to all
Cause no love is special
And no thoughts light
And living just feels like a fight

The struggle's intense
My thoughts are getting dense
I still can't concentrate
Stuck in the past
And running past the present
Thoughts contained caged
Like a pregnant period
The professions always come late
Never been on a date
Just stuck to masturbate
And slightly verbate
The record's repeating
Not missing a skip
Recycled thoughts
And retuned rhythms
Barely remixed or made

Crushed

Ok so if the last post didn't suggest it, I'm in love again. BUT, this time it's a little different. The crush is on the same level as the one I had on Blues. Totally, utterly, crushed. It's like there's an ocean above me not just because of the pressure but because I'm drowning in delirium and dopey smiles. This time though, I ACTUALLY TALK TO HER...kinda. I make her laugh, do the whole entire clown around shit. But, problem is I know my first impression with her is that I was a nerd because I said my favorite sport was Dota in class, but that might've gotten wiped when I said my life motto was screw it. We were doing one of those introductory things in English. She's weird, and cute, and her laugh is just uplifting to me. I love making her laugh, which is my usual sign that I'm smitten with a girl, but in there lies the problem, all I do is that. I'm at the usual dilemma, don't know how to break down the barrier and talk to her like a normal person, on a serious level. She's initiated maybe 2 conversations with me, but I kinda just sit there. I was overjoyed though when she started sitting in front of me in class, atleast that way she'll hear my side comments and have something to laugh at. Ahhh....the best and worst part of the human experience is definitely being in love, if only I could see it through just once. Alas, I may have something going though. I opened three fortune cookies and in this order they read, "There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead of you" "Expect the Best" and "Determination is what you need now"; It may just be coincidence, but the universe works mysteriously, and everything has some other meaning and retains somewhat to fate.

Girl You Got Me

Girl you got me
Girl you got me
Girl you got me
Girl you got me

Twisted like a pretzel
And this Tea is tasting good
I wanna say I love you
But I wonder if I could
Crazy for the cutie with a booty
Tryna keep this shit from rude
I wanna be the person where she's like
That's my dude
Never been in dating
Or a real relationship
Never had a special girl
That had me specialish
But Imma sit here
Telling everyone right now
That this new girl
Has got me feeling wow

Girl you got me
Girl you got me
Girl you got me
Girl you got me

Going crazy
But was I ever sane
If this comes to light
Will things be the same
Is there much to lose
I know there's much to gain
All I remember
Is at first you thought me lame
I ain't playing
I fall in love pretty easy
But of the few crushes
You make me feel more needy
Call me sweet or call me sour
Call me lame or call me brainy
Call me honey call me bitch
But a kiss would have me fainting

Girl, You Got Me

For anyone that avidly reads my blog and I don't see it person, it'd be nice to get comments. Shit, I want to make new acquaintances and get outside opinions on my shit. Opinions from strangers especially cause they don't know me and are less reserved when it comes to criticism. It's also always nice to meet new people, yea that too. So please, niggas, become my friendzizzles. Assuming that I even have a following, I'm pretty sure most of my views are from people that stumble on here and are like, this kids a fuckhead I'm going somewhere else.

Asexual Maybe?

So I've done some thinking lately, and had a conversation with a friend from work on the way home, and I'm pretty sure I'm close to asexual. I only say close because I still get turned on. OH YES DO I GET TURNED ON. But the problem is, everything turns me on. I thought about it for awhile and realized, despite the fact I think about sex all the time I don't think I'd ever go on to have it. No matter what relationship I have with the person, even if it's a highly deep spiritual one, I don't think I'd ever indulge in the supposed best part of a relationship. I have a thing for atleast one girl in each of my classes, I've ended up having a thing for almost any girl I know. It's not out of desperation though. I found I naturally fall in love with people in general, I guess you can say I'm living deliberately. I'm enjoying the best part of the human experience, love, to it's fullest extent. I still would love a girlfriend. A sapiosexual preferably, but if she's aesthetic I doubt I'd really care. All relationships of any kind whether it be friend or foe or romantic have the same root, attraction. The reason I included foe in that is because intimidation is commonly considered attractive to people. But, the way a relationship grows is by building on that attraction and learning about that person. The most attractive thing I find in someone aesthetically? Well first off, I tend to not be attracted to white girls. But, I have to fall for a cute chick. The most attractive thing I can ever find in a girl though, is when I look at her I end up thinking of an animal. Specifically mammals, and I realize this shit makes me sound like some freaky kemonomimi, but it's more of a spiritual thing. To make it even less general, canines and felines. Oh god yes. Girls that make me think of foxes, wolfs, and cats. A black chick that makes me think of cats, fuck yes. The reason I say it's a spiritual thing is because those animals are commonly associated with worship in ancient times. Native Americans had wolves, Japanese had foxes, Egyptians had cats. I could probably find even more animals associated with spiritualism but I'm trying to have the post before midnight so I can knockout before I forget about it. I could fantasize for days about all the kinky and erotic things I'd share with a girl, but I'm confident that if I got into a relationship with one I'd never try to get into it with her, whether she wants to or not. My biggest worry in a relationship is the fact I don't know what I'd do exactly. Ever since my dad died I've been a lot more of a shut-in and been less social. I went sober a month and a half ago and after that I found I talk even less with people I'm unfamiliar with. Even then, I used to constantly be talking to people when I'm at home, and whether it be that no one uses facebook anymore and I don't have a lot of numbers on my phone, or that I can't hold a conversation for shit anymore, I'm scared more than ever to get into a relationship. I even asked one of my chick friends to set me up on a blind date with someone, but I doubt she even remembers I asked her to. I know I'd enjoy spending time with them no matter what. But the problem is would they? With the state I'm in from constant caffeine withdrawal, which I'll get into on another post, I honestly think about just falling asleep with a girl while cuddling with her and having a drifting off conversation. However, there is this one girl that's in the same program I'm in. She's from another school, the black girl I was talking about that looks like a cat, she's in one class with me and might end up getting into a different one next semester. In that class we went outside and she was all excited about it too, doing stuff that annoyed the teacher, first time she talked to me though. I already was like, OMG YOU'RE HOT AS FUCK, prior to talking to her, but in the slight conversations I have become infatuated. Then again, I'm easily infatuated, as this post is about. The other thing I've noticed is I think I've picked out a couple of girls and they turned out to be directioners. Really weird, and I'll end on that note.

Who Am I?

Watch the crack whip as the crack starts smoking
Eyes going evil and the sun sets this morning
Without the dope we're all creatures of the night
Who's up in the morning on time

Demon eyes are demonized by the public's judging eye
Just drugs and recreation and begging for a light
Chained in the cave all day
The light from the windows getting blocked by the shades
As the shades overtake the sight of the blind
And the third eye's starting to shine tonight
I didn't give up the fight, just looked for the peace
Without a piece cause that isn't for me
Everyone's gavel just banging too loud
And I can't take the noise I'm going deaf
Just looking to extend and move on to the next
Forget this plane and move on through death
This body's just a tool but I better treat it well
Cause misuse of body only leads to hell
But these drugs aren't damage, it's an extension of mind
But the public'll never learn this in time

Forget my name
And forget the blame
Forget the thoughts that urge to complain
Forget yourself and live in the life
Of the earth and the mind of this time

Stimulant addiction and I ain't functioning
But I still bust through as my mind's crumbling
Zombie with a brain but I'm feeling insane
As the hunger and the urge become one again
I'm in pain, of the mind and the body
The chest starts aching as my head starts throbbing
Gotta drink another before I pass out
Ease the pain and refrain from the napping for now
Every Third day I get lost in the woods
As the sounds overwhelm from robins to ghouls
The hallow I hear and they don't show to fear
Any hollowed out husks that start to shed tears
Over menial mayhem of massacred masses
First world problems are the ones of dumbasses
No money for Jays or no money for games
So apparently money meant happiness then

Forget my name
And forget the blame
This material world is just one big complaint
Forget yourself and live in the life
Of the earth and the mind of this time

Some say I'm grounded but they haven't seen the horns
So I guess I'm at the center of hell that's the world
The core of the world is avarice and anger
Globalized culture is destroying the tamer
Bringing out the evil and leaving behind the wealth
Of the enlightened bliss that I seek for now
And I'll run from the light that the shit's try to shine
As they back me in the cave and over the tripline
But I'll get back up, or take a dirt nap
It's liberty or death not being a sap
Cause that syrup's thick and you'll be in the mud
With no branch to grab no olives nearby
No pelt to paint just a herd where you hide
The shepherd seems noble but his intentions are deep
You're here for him now and there's no more me
Your loss of consciousness was your one defeat

Just a Generation

I thought about my life and then I thought about the knife
Thought of everything that I should've done right
But there's no such thing as wrong, and no good deed lasts for long
The momentum from the spin is just fucking me up
Everything comes around but it's got some extra weight
Every second faster, and more is at stake
Every smile is fading and every grim stare begins
The apathetic general of the rising nation
Follow that model and you'll be like the others
Marching in line as nothing seems to bother
Fuck World War Z cause we're already zombies
Nothing more spectacular than watching t.v.
Sitting in front of the screen and doing nothing
And going blind in the mind from this shit?
Is it worth it? I guess we found the piper
Enticing the minors to live with him forever
Just a general generation of a genuine contemplation
Apathetic to relations and the minds across the nation
No food for thought, and man everyone's starving
The rice and the grains are getting drowned out by the barley
The neurons are fading and losing sight of nirvana
And the line is getting harder to see
I don't know if I crossed it, or if there's a new one drawn
It seems so far away either way and so long
Getting thicker every minute, and getting grayer every hour
The years become seconds as I try to climb this tower
Maybe when I reach the top this world will look different
More beauty to appreciate and less visible contagion
More mind over matter but what matters to me
Is less of the danger of trying to live free
Free from all the judgement, and thoughts of society
Free from the chains that I willingly believed
Would help me either way but they just served to hold me back
The links are getting hot and I'm bound on this track
No way to get up I've fallen and I can't
But little did I realize I could still stand
But now it's a fact, I know it more than most
Not tryna boast but admit it you know
Barely anything, it's the ignorant era
Arrogance and ego and a war on terror

Everytime I see you it's Relapse Retrial
Remembering old thoughts I forgot for awhile
As I fall in the pit that has no foreseen bottom
I fall back in time to the feelings unwanted
I'm an underdog underscored for his eccentrics
Undetermined about where the fuck it is he's going
And every time you can count that I'll fall in the mold
Imma still be missing you when I'm forty years old
Probs still be a virgin cause you're the one true love
It's been years since we talked but there's none above
Don't need to know you cause this shit's programmed in
Reprogramming's a choice, but I can't even begin
Everyday I wake up and I say I'll get a bitch
But is it a bitch I want, or a pretty little miss
Or is it just you, or is it just pussy
I can't tell no more, but the bipolar's moving

Stuck tryna break the cycle so I chose to be a psycho
Tripped out mental and metaphysical style
No drugs below me and no limits to meet
And no counselor or therapy meetings
Just me and my pipe and my line and my tab
The rocks and the caps and the rolled bills like that
It's fuck my life style, contorted to fit
Into the rolled up bill that I'm snortin shit with
Don't know where to start, but I right now can't stop
The beginning's the end and the bottom's on top
The door that I entered's not the door that I left
And I don't even know how I got to this cliff
I'll do a triple back front side flip
Hope I land on my feet like the pussy I am
I'll have eight lives left and the next one's running out
But maybe in the next one I can change what shit's about

Too late to say hello and goodbye's came too early
But what could've been isn't so I should stop worrying
I'm admiring a dyke scrawny cut albino
While I'm losing sight of my life through the keyhole
The door won't fucking budge, and the metal's fucking cold
And every time I push I feel another year old
There goes my eighteens nineteens and twenties
Atleast the next year I won't be so thirsty
Worse is the feeling that I now look forward to
Of getting fucked up and forgetting bout you
Or forgetting what's wrong and remembering to smile
Or going to a dream and staying for awhile
Never should I wake up and hopefully I won't
Be complete til I stumble upon a new throne
I'll be on my knees arms stretched back bent
Because I guess I'm stuck the servant til' the end

Compass

Astral projecting cause my mind’s ejected

Body’s rejected as I start to question

My life, cause did I live it right

Or did I live it wrong, should I fix things with mom

Was the funeral worth it or is the body not at rest

Are there other planes or is there just death

Hoping to get conscious of my higher conscious

But the mind and the body keep prompting

To indulge in life before it runs out

To do all the shit that the news talks about

Don’t need money but I’m working anyways

This pursuit isn’t neutral but degrading my brain

I know what I want but it’s not what I seek

I haven’t put in work, I just beat my meat

Give me the things that make this world a sin

Cause this world is life from now til’ the end

Which way is up

Which way is down

Which way is the way to make that sound

You could just sit back as time slows down

Or enjoy every second on the clock

For now

Ignorance is bliss but I’m not ignorant

Sometimes I think that I’m more arrogant

Abnormal among weird and weird around normal

Mind half there but the body seems normal

I’m not a zombie yet but I’ve started the process

Decaying my mind and ranking up in the contest

This hunger is both physical and mental

But what I seek, could it be detrimental

Cause I’m losing my roots with the pot being broken

Shards are getting shattered as these words are spoken

Starting to lean more to the physical plane

And this state that I’m in isn’t the only to blame

The drugs were my aura and without them what is

Test me in two months they’ll still be my piss

I could be dry for years and I’d still be high

But it’s just not the same, and I’m far from fine

Chorus

I’m losing my roots as they dry and wither

Come hither my brother and act like a mister

No bastards no bitches no cunts and no dicks

No tricks no harlots and no more bullshit

Love one another as I have loved you

But the concept of love is more lie than truth

Too self-centered to care for another

Which is why we can fire on our brothers

It’s just brother on sister on father on mother

With plastic and steel and wood and color

With crosses and stars and books and scrolls

And now keyboards and screens and triggers to go

In this world is there any one light

That isn’t tainted by the money in sight

The moral compass can’t point just one way

More arms than Shiva but not one of them pray

Too obsessed with fate to believe in reality
Starry eyed stick in the mud of a family
Cause it's dragging me down, man hold my baggie
I'll rip it later cause now my pants are gettin saggy
Howl for the pack and the hoes'll howl back
But they're lookin for a wolf that's got a nice sack
Big balls, big signs, big pack, big fine
They like to live dangerous but not this time
He's skinned and the pelt's so pretty
But not one time did he wimper did he
Loyal to the end, to every single friend
Even though they might be his enemy
Doubt surmounts to the mud in the hole
It's quicksand my digga so don't struggle
Once you enter the flow it's hard to get out
So just go with that shit for now

Break down the teen years and build a man from the rubble
Your boy's become a man and he's looking for trouble
Daddy may be dead but he was a dirty bastard
Mommy's still here but she's a fucking bitch
Oh thank god that I have my brother
Thank god I have him despite that snitch
Better watch out fore you dicks start rubbing clits
Don't make more mistakes, I mean have kids
The kids aren't alright, cause neither were the parents
Nothing was secure but their egos apparent
Conspiracy of the children of the corn
When daddy died you can bet I didn't mourn
But my mom did, and didn't like that I didn't
Didn't know what he was, but I had to live with it
Then the house came a crumbling down
Home is where the heart is, I guess I'm homeless now

My mind just wanders from place to place
As my body stand still and blows off fate
The rye bread mold and the horse's blow
The experimental death and the experience followed
Saw my dead dad, and again and again
Stuck at the hip while I was stuck swinging
Didn't try to fly cause I knew that I'd fall
But that thought's holding me back like the mud in the hole
The face in the hall keeps staring
As the hands keep grabbing at me
The grin that I see is glaring
And the hysterics are full of glee
The eyeballs count up more than three
Veins popping and teeth to teeth
Tongues drooping soaked in the H
And the LSD and the pretty K

Learning the game ain't nothing to be ashamed of
Drugs are my life and drugs are where I came from
Drugs are where I'm going and what I'm taking
Drugs are me man, and they're why I'm shaking
Drugs
You never know what you're gonna get
It's drugs
Let's keep going cause I ain't dead yet
Yea drugs
And you know who's running this shit
It's the government, Hrmmm, I mean hood rats
Just drugs

I pack my pound of weed into the holy bong
As the green taints I'm thinking this song
Going through necrosis but won't be for long
From green to red to black and nothing's wrong
Recreational is the excuse that I give
For Mary for Molly for Lucy I give
Anything, because they're my best of friends
After family cause the pack's good til the end
Some people might think I'm a god send
But the devil's inside and cause of him I tend
To bring out the best which is also the worst
Motives are melted and then they contort
Like a twisted child that's not of this earth
Demons and devils and death to the world

Learning the game ain't nothing to be ashamed of
Drugs are my life and drugs are where I came from
Drugs are where I'm going and what I'm taking
Drugs are me man, and they're why I'm shaking
Drugs
You never know what you're gonna get
It's drugs
Let's keep going cause I ain't dead yet
Yea drugs
And you know who's running this shit
It's the government, Hrmmm, I mean hood rats
Just drugs

I'm not a racist but no white or black

Just the good old green cause fuck heart attacks

Or whatever they're called Call it opiate sickness

Morphine morphing mental conditions

No needles no pipes of the crack type

No holes in my arms and my legs tonight

No getting strung out cause I'm already there

This air is turning my body to air

The pollutants no better than what I already breathe

Just oxygen, nicotine, and THC

Cause who could give up the wacky tobaccy

Addictions are peddled, not pushed my lacky

Contracted by contact with others with it

Government says no but they're still with it

Cause money's money, and crimes just a game

Monopoly's best market and maker of fame

Learning the game ain't nothing to be ashamed of
Drugs are my life and drugs are where I came from
Drugs are where I'm going and what I'm taking
Drugs are me man, and they're why I'm shaking
Drugs
You never know what you're gonna get
It's drugs
Let's keep going cause I ain't dead yet
Yea drugs
And you know who's running this shit
It's the government, Hrmmm, I mean hood rats
Just drugs

G bongs in my lungs so I won't be here for long

Just give me an hour fore I rip another wrong

Gotta stay high cause I need the illusion

Of happiness that has kept me deluded

Colluded but could I care no

Just rip another one of the greenest bowls

Pop another tab and pop another cap

Roll another bill and shovel on more crap

Mother's are crying as father's are dying

Sons don't know better cause they're just following

The boys in blue and the men in red

The women in black cause the men are dead

Just eat more of the governments poison 

Let them sit back as we stand toiling

As long as they're comfy who could care less

Death's just a statistic to life I guess

Da Da Da Da Da Da Da

To the flag I pledge allegiance
Corrupt cops and laws misleading
Thoughts caged in and pistols drawn
But won't you all just sing along?
Go to school and graduate
Look at porn and masturbate
Goals for me and many more
Cause can you see another door?
Who could call this art career?
Should get the fuck up out of here
Cause we only do one thing
Follow orders and never think
Working it at mini wage
Sleeping it off to pass the day
Slowly I became a man
But also I got hairy hands

Third eye blind and nothing more
Fluoride food and funky gore
Pop guns we used in the war
Anger's a tool but what for?
We were born just to die
Serving a country unified
Under one bigass figurehead
Who could care less how many dead
On the streets and in the air
Anywhere from here to there
All we are is fertilizer
For the maggots and the liars
Rooted in they'll only grow
Nitrates at the speed of nitro
Fuel injected in the air
But pollution's not something to fear

Demon eyes are demonized
Everyone looks on with wide eyes
Cause they take after Ronald Reagan
Beating on hippies for protestaring
At the dirt and all the blood
Cause we fight all these wars for good
Not for money or the gain
It's for liberty or in its name
Just like us searching for WMD
All in the name of liberty
Forget the oil that they have
Our motive's good and never bad
Ask these questions every night
But maybe you won't sleep so tight
The demons aren't with red eyes
The demons spread a lot more lies

Just a body for the soul to dwell
Just a kid making it through living hell
Just a mind wandering to many places
Too many places for me
It was just to get by, not to get high
Not lookin for money just relieving sighs
Never did I want to say goodbye
But she said it anyways and I was like
No wait baby come back
But you're not my baby and I'll still call you that
So weed went from a hobby to a vice
Cause then everyone knew it but not what it's like
All I could think was my love denied
These thoughts don't just leave but still I tried
Locked them up but then she found the key
Just to let them out and then she'd flee

I was your average stoner
Wake and bake and act like a loner
Go to school high cause I couldn't get by
Without a little hit from the green guy
It wasn't addiction but to the smile
Cause without that shit I'd sigh for awhile
Too starry eyed to see straight
Lost sight and didn't know til it's too late
But eventually I came down to earth
Received the green and the rebirth
A born again hippy if that's even a thing
But atleast now there's no more worries
Just peace to my brothers and peace to another
Nubian or not anger's just a bother
We all live on the same planet
But too greedy to share it, God Dammit

Even though my windows are wide
The blinds are down and I'm ready to fight
Despite the peace that I preach, It's harder lived than to teach
Living in a sea of ignorance there's bare intelligence to seek
Judgement day's here and you'll see it tomorrow
No new thoughts cause everything's borrowed
Can't forget the past or look to the future
So we're stuck in last and looking like losers
Money's just an object and it's all that we see
The apple of affection because nothing's free
Not food, not housing, not friends, not life
Not people, not happiness, nothing but strife
And anyone that resists is nowhere nearby
They're living secluded but not in these borders why?
Cause of globalization spread by the nation
A disease worse than any deadly contagion


So Imma just write verses and make chorus's later. The stuff that I write is along the lines of a structured rant, so it's hard to do the chorus sometimes. Plus, I'm starting to feel like a preacher when I spit it A Capella.

These windows are wide but I still keep them closed
Bleeding the thoughts that the mind refused
Refuted falsely but uncontested
By the vessel that's graced with the ability to
The strings that built it are growing tight
The nail is driven and gets deeper each night
No coffin just leather, no metal just light
But no light shining in the leather's mind
No air to breath cause it's skin tight
Maybe the tenant has failed this time
But that is just habit, to change it is murder
But then again body and soul die every night

NoBody

Delsym, Triple Cs, Bong ripping bags of weed
GBs re-upping gravity so imma just B LAZ E

My bathroom is my bed and the toilet bowl's the pillow

The gut busters wrenching, as I'm swallowing my pills slow

Drank it with the twisted cause I'm twisted like that

Gotta keep it mixed, alone's just boring crap

But now my head's in the bowl and the bowl's in my mouth

Both bowls are packed and the plateaus are stacked

I haven't felt this good since the last time I yacked
I haven't felt this good since the last heart attack
Left my body behind as I lost my mind
Spirit kept going and robotripped through time
Woke up next morning feeling fine
Drank another bottle like a white bitch with wine
But my body's left dry and my eye's left high
And I'm welcoming the sun with my usual sigh

My mind's high
But my body's dry
Still though I'm soaring high in the sky
Wings like Icarus and the wax is burning
But I'm higher than the sun and I'm still soaring

No Body get's left behind
No Body get's left behind
No Body get's left behind
No Body get's left behind

I came up two years ago and still haven't touched ground
Opened my third eye and started listening to the sound
Soul half in body and body half dead
That night wasn't the last time I slept in bed
Mary's still my wifey and the Delsym was her girlfriend
The threesomes were the best, we'd still be fucking in the morning
This shit was my water for about a damn week
Disassociated from society the first time shit leaked
Got called in then suspended same day
Gone for a week, all my midterms? Wednesday
Gone to the store and returned with a minibar
Orange, Grape, my stomach's out of shape
Been trippin five days and I woke up late
Took my midterms high and I still cranked that shit
Got told off for braggin so I said suck a dick
Or whatever else I thought best fit

My mind's high
But my body's dry
Still though I'm soaring high in the sky
Wings like Icarus and the wax is burning
But I'm higher than the sun and I'm still soaring

No Body get's left behind
No Body get's left behind
No Body get's left behind
No Body get's left behind

Don't think that I'm here just to talk about drugs

That shit may be fun but don't press your loss

They expanded my mind but may have killed my time

Just cause I said it, doesn't mean I woke up fine

The chest pains, the numb, it's just nostalgia to me

Cause the last time I left has been more than a week

It's been more like months and I'd have to disagree

If I said I didn't miss it cause that'd be lying

But that's the more you know cause nobodies prying

I climbed the plateaus and that shit was a hike

Each step heavier and every breath more light

Passing out light headed at the top was fun

But it’s not recommended, I hope you comprehend it

Don’t do drugs unless you know what the poison is

Trading off life for my wackass mind

Was a deal with the devil and I paid with time

The Latest

Yo remember my name
I'll brand it to your brain
Cause the shit that I'm spitting'll leave you insane
Not here for the money
Not here for the fame
Just here to be here
For every loss and gain
Not here for the ladies
Not here for the bitches
Not here for the cunts
Not here for the snitches
Not here for the kids
Not here for the rents
Just here to be here
I might be god sent

Not really here
Just body appeared
My mind's in other places
I'm showing other faces
And it might be contagious
So wear your gas mask
And listen to the latest
This kid's just a kid
So remember that shit
He'll say he's a man
But it's hard to admit
That I'm not done learning
And I'm stuck thinking
What's wrong with the world
And will it stop bleeding

I'm seventeen and I'm already damaged
By the people I met
And the ones I called fam
And the ones that I believed could bring me to peace
Just left me to dry
And put a leash on the beast
But my collar's worn
And it's shredded to piece
And my mane's so long
It's a really nice feat
Went from the mohawk
To the buzz cut bastard
To the long flowing hair
And no more master

But I'm still stuck going places
And hiding behind some faces
And reliving the trauma
That I thought would end
When my dipshit daddy
Met his dead end
But my mom's still a bitch
And my bro's still crazy
And my little life
Is still amazing
But I can't preciate
All that it can give
So I just whine and whine
But go on to live
I've gone to high places
And gave up some faces
But I'm still just a kid
That was the latest
It be belated
But I'm not yet done
Cause in the end it's all for fun
This shit's just a hobby
And I wish it were more
But I really doubt that
But I'll always want more

Eyyyy girl what's your name

Or even better just tell me your game
Maybe then I can learn the rules
So maybe then I won't be the fool
Eyyyy girl gimme your time
Don't you like how I can rhyme
This song is just for you
Tell me off but you know it's true

Girl you know I like you

I know you don't like me

But I just had to tell you that you're a beauty

Not tryna bother you

Or waste your time

Just wanna make sure that you know you're fine
Tell me your name
And I'll play your game
Start from the bottom
But I'll find my way

Into your pants

But first lets dance

Cause I'm tryna give you the right romance

I'll be honest I'm not looking for sex

Just looking for a girl to bring to the nest

Whatever comes along the way

Is fine with me if it's fine with you 

Name?

Who knows it might be fate

Love at first sight and pre-date

Not tryna throw a ring

Cause I just met you

But tryna say

That I feel for you

Tryna say my intentions are good

Cause in this dark world not everyone should

But they do it anyways and hurt ladies

And leave them hurting for days and days

Eyyyy girl what's your name

Or even better just tell me your game
Maybe then I can learn the rules
So maybe then I won't be the fool
Eyyyy girl gimme your time
Don't you like how I can rhyme
This song is just for you
Tell me off but you know it's true

Don't worry I don't fuck around

Recently I got to town

Or better put I'm new round here

Cause I never moved but don't live near

You can catch me sneaking looks

And I'll smile like a crook

Ain't tryna be the creep

But it comes naturally

For me

Cause honestly, I'm good with my words

But bad with the timing

And bad with the girls

Never had a first kiss

But don't talk with a lisp

Just looking for love

So I see it everywhere

But I'm not barking down

Every girl out of fear

Cause I expect a no

And would ruin a yes

My jaw will lock

And I'll fail the test

But maybe if I managed one chance

I'll finally find that happy end

It may sound like I got a wandering eye

Or I'm a thirsty fuck

But I don't try

I pick girls out

But I pick them wrong

And I picked you out

Then I wrote this song

Eyyyy girl what's your name

Or even better just tell me your game
Maybe then I can learn the rules
So maybe then I won't be the fool
Eyyyy girl gimme your time
Don't you like how I can rhyme
This song is just for you
Tell me off but you know it's true

Look I'm like a dog 

I slobber and I drool

But loyal as fuck

And I'll be your fool

Cause when you say yes

That gives me a reason

To make sure that your smile's in season

It's not about me and all about you

I know I don't know you but I would like to

Maybe just to see more of the sun

I can see you and me having fun

Take you out to ice cream 

Movie and more

Take you to my house

And I hold the door

Open my chest

And give you a gift 

Return it or not

You're first on the list

Not saying it's an honor

Not saying it's a crime

Just saying thank you for your valuable time

I'd try to reimburse

But there's no value there

Cause the time you gave

Wasn't time to spare

I'll be stuck in your debt

And live to pay it

Eyyyy girl what's your name

Or even better just tell me your game
Eyyyy girl what's your name

Or even better just tell me your game
Eyyyy girl what's your name

Or even better just tell me your game
Or even better just tell me your game
Or even better just tell me your game

I ain't here to cause trouble
Just here to start war
So keep your mouth shut as I walk through the door
And I'll walk through your mind
Just to leave myself behind
A trail of bread crumbs
While you babies suck your thumbs
And you babies are whining and crying bout me
Why the hell he gotta act so mean?
Well it's cause I'm walking in the rain
But it's a sunny day
And this day ain't my day
I can't smile anyways
But my grimace is there
And I casually shed a tear
Who needs happy
When I can be me
And that's what I'm gonna be

My aura's on fire
While I'm growing tired
I'll burn you out faster though
This thought's just a thought
I commit crimes or not
I'm still a criminal though
So I'm starting this war
But not starting trubs
And my wallet's getting full
With the money I make
And the money I take
And the money that I spend on bull

I'll bite the hand that feeds me it kept feeding me shit
From the bulls and their mouths and excuses like that
I ain't here to deal with society's rules
Cause honestly I'm not society's fool
My mind's growing tumors
But no cancers for me
No radiation or chem therapy for me
No drugs to deal with the pain
Just drugs to deal with the boredom and lame
Right now I ain't here to act tame
My mane's in the wind and blowing
My roar is loud and controlling
These thoughts are big and flowing
So this cage is broken
And Imma run free
I got my wolf pack
And they follow me
Howling, Laughing, Crying
Oh Dear
These wolves are louder than the phones in my ear

My aura's on fire
While I'm growing tired
I'll burn you out faster though
This thought's just a thought
I commit crimes or not
I'm still a criminal though
So I'm starting this war
But not starting trubs
And my wallet's getting full
With the money I make
And the money I take
And the money I spend on bull

Informing conformant got me fucked up the ass
I feel like I bent over and asked for the tap
I shouldn't have left but I went anyways
So now I got popped and I'm stuck in the haze
Stuck sober but drunk but heady as fuck
Trapped in my house by the mother
Fucking up shit with my brother
I can't steer with this fucking rudder
No compass no maps no keys no trees
No leaving or going or coming for me
This cage is the house that I used to call home
But now I paved a path that I don't want to follow
But the consequence is dear
And I held back my hair
As I puked out the words that I said
I shouldn't have talked
But I wanted to walk
And to spend another night in my bed

My aura's growin dim
As I find I'm condemned
And the world starts turning slow
This thought's just a thought
I commit crimes or not
I'm still a criminal though
So I'm losing this war
That never was fought
But my wallet's still getting full
With the money I make
And the money I take
But that's not what they know

Pleasure

It's the ghetto's guru coming through the speakers
Tryna spread the word and tryna cop some reefer
I ain't from the hood
But somewhere in between
This kids got a mind
And a mass in between
He's gonna change the world
As soon as it melts
I'll jump in the pit
And down the hole I fell
I'll climb right out just to do a backflip
When I open my mouth these kids'll flip
They won't know what to say
But I'll say it anyways

Cause my wolf pack's howling
And my pack's got a sound
And I run this shit well
But I'm still a fucking clown
Now ain't that neat
This kid's got a sound and a beat

I'm the devil incarnate
But that's old news
I take what you want and I give it to you
No guilt, just pleasure
Do what your mind sees fit
If there's people in the way
That's their prob not yours
And you best tell them suck a dick
People that truly care
Wouldn't care to say no
They'd just stand to pick you up
Maybe say a small I told you so
But friends are for fuck ups
So I guess that makes me a mistake
But Imma keep going and never be done
Cause in the fucking end
It's all about the fun

It's the ghetto's guru blaring through the speakers
Twisting your mind while he's on the reefer
It's the Ghetto's Guru *Cymbals x2*
It's the Ghetto's Guru *Cymbals x2*
Coming from the speakers and straight to you

Pot smoke's like breath cause it's all that I breathe
Imma be stoned til' death even if I can't
Cause the air that we breathing is toxic
I'm just enjoying the fumes
And this flow that I spliff is elastic
Bouncing and stretching for you
Give it up to the DJay
Makin my first beat
And you already know
This kid's bringing the heat
Beating shit out like a teenage boy
That found the internet and his new favorite toy

It's the Ghetto's Guru *Cymbals x2*
It's the Ghetto's Guru *Cymbals x2*
Coming from the speakers and straight to you

Running

An unbalanced libra
This cat is a deva
Anger like Shiva
And mind of a feeder
It's time for a leader
To rise from the ashes
That we've been ashing
While we were out bottle smashing
I got blunt smoke rations
But I got no ration
Always complaining about my life
Cause I ain't got a bitch
Just drugs for life
Well ain't that shit
Doing drugs, good night

Mazel Tov
I smashed the glass
I know I might be acting rash
But this bitch won't text me back
And now I'm worried
Did I fuck up
Or wrong number or something
I just need to talk to her bout something
Nothing real specific
Just talking to her
Her pretty face match her pretty words
But I know so few so I want to know more
But she won't text back
Or pick up the calls
Or talk to me at work
Maybe if I had balls
What is there to fear except the word no
That's it
No
A word I too easily know
A word I don't want to hear
She's not interested, that shit's clear
But I still want to get to know her
Even if I don't get to bone her

An unbalanced libra
This cat is a deva
Anger like Shiva
And mind of a feeder
It's time for a leader
To rise from the ashes
That we've been ashing
While we were out bottle smashing
I got blunt smoke rations
But I got no ration
Always complaining about my life
Cause I ain't got a bitch
Just drugs for life
Well ain't that shit
Doing drugs, alright

I lost my balance so I fell to the ground
And I couldn't scale right
I probs lost a few pounds
The building fell cause the support beams were cardboard
But I started from the bottom going floor by floor
Person to person
Thing to thing
Puff to puff
And passing that thing
Dripping drops
As I'm rolling face
Cause this big pile of drugs
Gave me this face
And gave me a taste of peace at least
I'm now my own master
And sadly a bastard
Despite my parents marriage
The love left long ago
And that was clear
When daddy left the world

An unbalanced libra
This cat is a deva
Anger like Shiva
And mind of a feeder
It's time for a leader
To rise from the ashes
That we've been ashing
While we were out bottle smashing
I got blunt smoke rations
But I got no ration
Always complaining about my life
Cause I ain't got a bitch
Just drugs for life
Well ain't that shit
Doing drugs, Rolled Tight

I'm the alpha wolf in this rat race
I chase the flock of sheep
I'm a hound at their feet
Ready to snap snap
Tap tap eat
Chomp down on the fools
And be my defeat
Cause my number one weakness is my gluttony
I used to be a big boy
Not as tall or lean
I still thought I had it
But now I know I do
This flow
This drow
This motherfucking world
I'm here to run game like it's a motherfucking game yo
Hitting up nintendo, Xbox, Ps4
Oh shit there's a fucking knock at the door
Red lights blue lights but do I run no
It's time for consequence
Cause my limits didn't pass the test
I failed bro

Water Gun

Robbin liquor stores
With water guns
Breaking doors
Down as I break my weed down
And then I tore
Bong rips
Bong hits
Red lights
Skipped it
Just cherry poppin teens squirting water guns
Rejects

Squirtin Squirtin Squirtin
While these kids be squirming
They're tryna get off
But they're tryna be concerned and
The condom broke
But she's on birth control
There's spermacide
Genocide
Death to the thousands
That coulda been
Woulda been
A baby at best
A parasite's a no no
But fucking's a yes
So he just squirts his water gun
And hopes for the best

Runnin streets I'm bored
With water guns
Buying whores
Out as they get their hots off
On the floor
Blood drips
Pussy rips
Red lights
District
Just cherry poppin teens squirtin water guns
Rejects

Is the baby there yet
Cause you know she's pregnant
Her belly's gettin bigger
And she's eating more
Rejects
Is she gonna get
The support that she needs
Or is it abortion time
Ignore it time
Were they ready for sex
Cause they weren't ready for this
Get your head on straight
And know the consequence
Accept the little beast
You didn't really have to kill it
That thing is of you
But it's no longer living

Raising kids
Rejects
Beating them
Stupid shit
Water guns blasting
And their waters be blasting
Cause there were
Just cherry popping teen  squirtin water guns
Rejects

Mommy and daddy love hate each other
So they couldn't really last
No they couldn't stay together
The baby didn't help
Cause it's no longer here
Just a empty little hole
And barely any tears
The regrets were made later
Cause the convenience was then
That the thing be aborted
Sadly that is the end
What should be a symbol of love
Grew to be a tragedy
Conceived early on
And aborted in three

I've made my bed
But I won't sleep tonight
Or any night for that matter
The voices in my head
Won't shut the fuck up
You should hear their witty banter
The whispers the tickles the grins and the feels
The faces the races the demons revealed
No angel in sight
But no angel for me
Just a pig pile of drugs
And a big bag of weed
And a mind so deranged it's more like a labyrinth
With it's melancholic moods
I'm bad and fantastic
I'm bad at this art
But Imma keep trying
So my will will go on
While I'm slowly dying

Just a Kid

I gotta learn girls but Imma do that alone
Cause the advice that I'm getting is worse than my phone
Samsung's ain't shit but bricks made of plastic
And my calm is shit like rubber bands are elastic
To be honest I'm feeling fantastic
Caffeine's like water and the weeds like grass
And my plantation is fruitful for now I guess
But I still gotta learn how to make a pass

I don't wanna be the 40 year old virgin
Or even worse 18
I wanna hop in bed
With the brand new love
When I meet her or she meets me
I wanna run the streets like I run my dick
Long and hard and off
I'm the kid that's gonna fuck the world up the ass
But right now I can't get off

This kid be crazy, what's he on coke?
Cause he's running his mouth and he's making bad pokes
And he asks for a date before he has the number
But he's a fucking kid so forget it
Or remember
This inexperienced fool is gonna fuck the world
But first he needs to know the art
So the grasshopper's hopping
And this kid is hoping
That he can play the part
He auditioned and failed
But the callback still came
But he wasn't gonna be the bitch
So he says fuck you
And suck my dick
But then he goes on to bitch

I don't wanna be the 40 year old virgin
Or even worse 18
I wanna hop in bed
With the brand new love
When I meet her or she meets me
I wanna run the streets like I run my dick
Long and hard and off
I'm the kid that's gonna fuck the world up the ass
But right now I can't get off

Look, I'm a potty mouthed pansy

That's gonna keep ranting
And my mind's so full of pot
It's also full of shit
So I'm a shithead
And I'm gonna watch the world rot
Now just take these pills
Now smile real wide
Now do your job and don't hide
Cause society's like a court
Lookin up as they look down
And the verdict's really poor
And they're lookin to make you a clown
Who's better than the worst
I'm bad at being good
Not me, Not I, Nor he
No good
This kid's
Done done
The worst
He could

I don't wanna be the 40 year old virgin
Or even worse 18
I wanna hop in bed
With the brand new love
When I meet her or she meets me
I wanna run the streets like I run my dick
Long and hard and off
I'm gonna fuck the world up the ass
First I need to make a pass
And I need to get off
But then again

I'm just a kid
But Imma dream big
I'm just a kid
But Imma do this shit
I'm just a kid
With a mind immature
I'm just a kid
And that's it
World

Imaginary Friends

Psychotic, diabolic, creatures of my mind

My imaginary friends are coming on time

The claws the paws the pale pearly skin

They creep and crawl and see my flaws

My flaws are them so I see them pretty clear

But the true question is are they really there

Are they really real or are the just figments

The delusions that made revolutions for life

My mistakes and accomplishments

Bleed into one

But when I face them I just fucking run

Hello there little guy

What's your name

Pain?

What is this, a fucking game

Or is it hate

Or is it fear

Or is it life

You can be my tears

Just follow me around

And tell me what to do

I may disagree

But I bow to you

My imaginary friend

That only I could see

Cause no one else knows you

Except me

The drugs that I'm on have left me wondering

Where the fuck'd you come from

Come on I'm wondering

Who the fuck do you think you are

To just walk in my mind

And lower the bar

And take what I want

And not give it back
Cause honestly I feel that you're holding me back

My standard's degraded

As your strength goes on

And you're getting stronger

With every rip of the bong

And every hit of acid

And every cap of E

Every shrum cap I've taken

And lines of kitty

And to top it off

I still got my blunt

Same as my knife

No physical harm done

Hey there little shit

What's your fucking name

Pain?

What is this, a fucking game

Or is it hate

Or is it fear

Or is it life

You could be my tears

You could follow me around

And tell me what to do

I will disagree

But I still bow to you

My imaginary friend

That only I could see

Cause no one else knows you

Except me

Except me

So why don't I just throw out my drugs

Cause I could always buy new ones

It's what I do for fun

Not concerned with my mind

Just having a good time

Telling people I'm fine

But really I'm not

So I'm steeped in smoke

And could use a line of coke

If just to keep my eyes open for a minute or two

I'll watch my brain rot

With the popcorn in hand

And the 3D glasses gleaming

Just like my old grin

In a world of sin

I'm the new prophet

The god of the dirty

And defiled

Don't stop it

Just keep going where your going

Dig the whole deeper

And wider

And darker

And the walls are getting higher

And your shovel broke

You'll have to dig out with your hands

After all dude, you're your number one fan

Hey you piece of shit

What did you do to my brain?

Pain?

What is this, a fucking game

Or is it hate

Or is it fear

Or is it life

You won't be my tears

Don't follow me around

And tell me what to do

I will disagree

And I won't bow to you

My imaginary friend

That only I could see

Cause no one else knows you

Except me
And I outgrew you
And I outgrew you

KemHed

The chemicals in my brain
Have left me insane
While the bong rips get melodic
This wackass rapper
Is losing sight faster
Than he can sneak hits from the chronic

It's THC and LSD and MDMAmzing
The drugs the tugs the thoughts the feels
The lights blinking every morning
But every morning I'm mourning
And every thoughts' a pain
So I'll pull the trigger now
And empty out my brain
Cause the chemicals have fucked me
As much as I fucked myself
So I guess I'm a homo
Cause the chemhead is horny
And I just fucked myself again
There's jizz on the floor
On the ceiling
In the fan
And my head's joining soon
Just watch
I'm done being dead

The nation's got us high
Pushing speed everywhere
The prescriptions are real rare
Compared to the caffeine wares
And the nicotine
And coke
Oh wait the last's illegal
But the big city's got it
And it's not just for the regal
So everyone's an addict
And lookin for a feel
Now to the next verse
And lets get fuckin real

I may say fuck a lot
It's not just cause I'm honest
It's cause I really want to fuck
And I'm addicted to the thoughts
And
I'm addicted to the speed
That they peddle in the stores
And I got a real need
To find myself a whore
I shouldn't call them that
Or preferably her
But my chance just may be up
Cause she could be leaving soon
Moving to a new place
While I sit and swoon
And swing as I'm blazed
Just from the withdrawal
Of my heart
And my head
And the chems
So I grovel

This chemhead's
Braindead
But he's in college
Or in high school and both
Cause he's enrolled to follow
A path that he wants
Cause he wants to make chems
That don't fuck you as hard
But help you at best
That would never be sold
In a store or on the street
He's making it for him
And so that's his defeat

Flood Doors

For worse and less better
I'll get better with these words
I got a new flow
And opened my flood doors
So as the body hits the floor
And the bass joins at that
I'm getting high off life
And that's a fucking fact

People are scary you don't know what they want
The plot is big bigger than the personal thoughts
The mind is a cage that looks like a door
But this shit is a maze cause you're stuck
Good lord
But who the fuck gives
Imma be the shy guy
But I'll open up my mind
For the people that pry
Cause I let them walk in
As I stand still
The flood doors are open
Now lets get real

For worse and less better
I'll get better with these words
The flood doors are open
And so are my shores
So as the body settles
And the jaws hit the floor
I'm getting high off life
No need to say more

Inky pinky ponkey
Daddy was a donkey
But the donkey died bitch
So stop crying ya honky
People die, so what?
This life of mine's fucked up
But the mistakes make me who I am today
I'm still fucked up
I'm damaged goods
But am I good?
I guess I'm damaged bads
That sounds kinda sad
But whatever floats my boat
Cause it's my life not yours
Only I can shed my tears
So just kick it and listen
If not from love then from fear

For worse and less better
These words'll get better
These words'll get better
These words'll get better
For worse and less better
These words'll get better
These words'll get better
For worse and less better
These words'll get better
Or else

End Phase

My back may be turned but my thoughts are still on you
The lies that I tell I only wish were true
But I guess that cupid's made me his fool
Cause my muse and my motivator had to be you
Of all the masks
I thought yours the best
So I'm flushed
As you blush
And I stumble through the test
The smoke clears and my tears clear up
Cause in the end
I still fucked up

You cracked the shell
And fried me well
But am I good
It's hard to tell
These rhymes just spin
All on the page
Right now I guess
It's my end phase
My end phase
Just one taste
Then I'll drift away

Wifting wafting shifting shatting
Lifting up my spirits
Just to watch me fall
As I float to the top
I hit my head in the fan
And I'm dead on the floor
Til' the morning begins
I lay this body to eternal rest
Say your prayers now
Cause the longer the less
More waiting less love
Less love and less life
I guess that this test
Is to find my true wife
And find where to go
And where to call home
Cause I walk this lonely road
And a world to roam
Cause home's not here
At least not right now
I need the love that I lost
And new love to be found
But those things are just thoughts
With you at the center
Now stop blushing
And to my story re-enter

You cracked the shell
And fried me well
But am I good
It's hard to tell
These rhymes just spin
All on the page
Right now I guess
It's my end phase
My end phase
Just one taste
Then I'll drift away

The rooster's call couldn't wake me up
I needed a monster and more just to get me up
And a thought and a smile just to lift me up
And a nudie nice picture to get me off
Cause my life's just improving and getting better
But I'm still stuck whining and moaning and mutter
My mind can't really take this clutter
Or the fact that life's just gotten duller
Or the fact that I can't still move on
I can't even talk to girls right now
Well I can but not the ones I want to
I really really want to

You cracked the shell
And fried me well
But am I good
I can't quite tell
These rhymes just spin
As does my head
Right now I guess
That my life's dead
My life's dead
The end phase here
My life's dread

Everyday I'll leave my cage
Shave my wings
And brush my braids
Tie my leash
Straight jacket please

Someone break me free (x8)

Feeling all nice and tight
I think I'll get a bite
Molly and Lucy
They ate with me

Chains are tied and tight (x8)

God, John, and Jesus too
The twelve apostles
They're all just jews
But then why does it matter now

Religion feels so wrong (x8)

Waking up with thoughts divine
I leave my cage a weathered mine
Any good just left with me
I'll leave the shell for all to see

Someone break me free (x19)

Nowhere will I roam


So I think this is a nice little parody of Sliver by Nirvana. I found I listen to them a lot when I'm in a depressed moany mood, Kurt Cobain's tone of voice is so easy for me to sympathize with, and even though I probably know shit about what he actually meant to say with his words I feel like I understand them completely too, which just sounds absurd. I love Nirvana just because they make such bouncy and upbeat music, Krist Novoselic is like a bass god to me, and then it's strangely complimented by Kurt's depressed moans. It's like Kurt expressed life as a sigh, something you just brush off because it's irrelevant.

Boredom

So I guess that posts are only good for updates. I long ago ran out of fuel to talk about the stupidest shit with interest. I still could, it just feels emptier and more boring to do now than before. If there were a person in front of me I could go on and on, but I've found everything lately has just been boredom. The world is so much duller since I started this blog and everyday I feel lonelier. I probably only feel lonely cause it's the summer though. I spend more time by myself, thank PINEAPPLE I got a job though. I might not've been able to survive if not for a job. It's stupid though. At first I didn't spend any money at all, but now I can't help but spend it, which I think'll stop when I go back to school and have even less time to waste spending money. Steam however is such a temptress, in the past two weeks I've spent around 30 or 40 bucks on Dota, which I barely play now but I did it for shits and giggles, and then another 40 or so on other games. I officially own a digital copy of The Binding of Issac though, which is pleasing. Now to the main component of the update, school. I start school in 4 days, but the first week is just half days at a college campus. I get to meet a shit ton of new people cause for the past 4 years I've had a lot of the same people in my classes. I've mentioned this way more than I have to here but some program called Integrated Math and Science, which means people that think they're geniuses and view people outside of the program like shit. Not everyone, more like the obnoxious people that gave the program a bad name. Thankfully, only one of the faces of the program went to governor school. Well those faces, I'm one of the other "representatives" as the person that hasn't given a shit for awhile and kinda slides by. I don't know how I feel about the Governor School though, I'm going to expect a shit ton of snobs and few people that I'd find tolerable much less enjoyable. It's like a concentration camp for the "geniuses" of high school that got spoiled by some program or their parents into being the high and mighty shits I'm going to get to know. Of course, it could be the opposite and there's going to be a good amount of people that slack off, otherwise known as my kind of people. That get by on little effort and bullshit, and a shit ton of luck. Lets see, what else about school. Oh, I'm taking ONE other AP class, English. It's my end block which is perfect for me because then I can get a nap in before I go to work in the afternoon, but AP just equals more work and a free college credit that a lot of colleges don't even accept. I like to read and write, just not when it's made work. I don't want to read a fucking book or poem and then have to analyze and regurgitate parts of it to please some adult with a big head from being in charge. I can except to see her/him/it/whatever in my French class, maybe. I'm going to expect the they're not there if you don't look at them type of interactions between us. Another person I'd expect animosity, but Echo isn't that type of person, or at least the Blue I think I know. But off that subject because it's a sore subject and my boredom is kicking in again. On a semi-related note in the sense that I'm switching from the old love interest to the new one, I'm still a dipshit with no balls. I can't even talk to Sara. She seats people, rather than going on the floor and checking for tables and expecting which ones to open, so I don't get to talk to her if I'm on the floor. Even more, I've been demoted to only bussing on Tuesdays, which are my new favorite days. I might get put on the floor more often in the future though, hopefully when Sara's working also. We trade a lot of smiles but I can't help but think it's the nervous, he smiled so I gotta smile back, kinda smile from her. I'm not always the first to smile though, but sometimes that's all the interaction I get. I've been a big enough dumbass to just ignore that she's there sometimes. For instance, on Tuesday when I came in I said hi to two of my friends that work there, which I don't talk to much, they were talking to her but I didn't even look towards her. I made myself look like I was fucking gay. That sounds a little harsh but I'm saying I made it look like I was more interested in people with dicks than her. My friend said I should just make more conscious actions to talk to her, rather than just letting shit happen like that. I do have a plan though, I'm going to let the information leak by asking one of her Hostess friends if she's single,  which is enough to suggest I wanna get with hhheeerrrrr, and if what I think'd happen happens, then she'll get told about it and then maybe I don't have to be the ice breaker and she can come to me. I have two last resorts though. Numero uno, wait another three months when I can get a mini raise and some benefits then cross train into being a host so I can talk to her. Only problem with that is in 3 months I can get fired, she can get fired, she can quit, or she can get a boyfriend if she doesn't already have one. The other options is come into work on molly and then I'll have the balls to talk to her cause I'll be talking to everyone as I sweat my ass off. Problem with that is obvious, I'm going to be sweating. Then there's also that thing about how it's a bad idea to go to work on drugs, much less something as obvious as molly. But eh, only time'll tell what's to come from me hiding behind other things. I do have enough friends there though to network. It's not that hard to get other people to do things for me, but I probably should do this on my own. Oh well, retarded update done.

Everything's a game and I'm learning new rules
The players the stakes and I look the fool
I may seem stupid but I'm learning faster
The more mistakes I make the more I get better

There's always a price
Not always in the light
Many are wrong
But they always think they're right
The sooner you learn
The better things seem
So you better learn fast
And ignore the gleam

Cause
Ignorance is bliss, those are words of a scholar
Here's some new words
When you're pissed you'll holler
Not just cause the distance but the feet between your minds
And the fact that you know you're just as bad every time
Everyone's the same, they just hit the wall different
So stop with the plain complaining negative thoughts and thinking
Your affection is selfish no matter what you say
So stop saying it's for them, it's for you like when you pray

There's always a price
Not always in the light
Many are wrong
But they always think they're right
The sooner you learn
The better things seem
So you better learn fast
And ignore the gleam

If you have to do it then it has no meaning
If you didn't think about it then it does
Let your subconscious lead it's more of your mind
Cause your conscious is a fucker that does drugs
Not just talking coke and tar and weed
But caffeine and just about everything
I found that we all focus on what we put in
Think about what you take rather than what you give

There's always a price
We take it so it's right
May not be in the light
But we didn't fight
Many are wrong
As I've said in this song
But they'll deny that
Mistakes can take long
But they sooner you learn
The sooner you're better
The better the world is
And you're now the go getter
So just go out and learn
Everything's new
You know nothing
But what experience has taught you

I may be stoned but the builder refused me
Not coping Ash, that line's a dub smoothly
I'm saying no drug's gonna give me work
But I'm ready and able, forget these words
Don't judge by the actions but by the reason why
It's easy to say, but harder to live by
Everyone's a hypocrite and everyone's sick of it
If you can live with yourself then just forget it

Drugs moved out as the money came in
They did what they had to and do what they can
If people were right then there'd be no wrong
But bitches just judge, and those thoughts stay long
They think he's a dealer and that girl's a slut
That person's crazy and that guy's a mutt
I don't wanna give them no work
Cause they don't deserve it, but do they, word

We judge and judge but what gives us the right
We're all dark creatures but we think we're the light
Fighting, Nighting, Slightly frightening
Power impure and muscles are tightening
As it hits the blood and it reaches the brain
You both forget and remember your pain
These times are changing but people are not
We're still the fiends that we wish we were not

What happened to the sweet thoughts I always used to have
Now it's wake and bake and snack until I'm left dead
There's nothing to fear but the government itself
So I should live in a shack on the continental shelf
Where there's no cage but the cage of myself
The bars are my mind and the warden's myself
I guess I'll just go live as myself
But I can't be alone, atleast alone with myself

No strings no lines no signal no eyes
Just me and my hands as time flys by
Every now and then I'll probably stop to say hi
Hello, goodbye, I live to die

The bars are only there cause I see them as it's true
But I wouldn't have the bass if it weren't for you
Or probably me I'll just blame us both
But that doesn't change what I think and've been told
My mind is blind but my body can see
Choices choices choices, there's just too many
Too many to make and mistakes at that
But I'll jump in head first fuck up and fix that

No rain no shine just me on the grind
I want to be alone but together at the time
The darkness that wreaks isn't one that I seek
So I'll live with the people for now I think

Who needs the light when it's temporary
Step outside at night and it's darkness you see
Focus on the negative and it's all that exists
Just the shitty little world that I grew to live with
A smile is worth more than any dollar bill
Cause it's hard to smile with the times until
You meet someone else that smiles just as bright
But that person might be dead and alive and good night

Why Does It Matter?

I'd rather just message this to you on someone's facebook but it's so much easier to just do this and at this point I couldn't give two shits about my public shout outs at you. And, just saying, if you haven't noticed ,cause I know you read my retardedness, most of my lyrics don't have you as a subject. Maybe the first few of the summer but at this point I was just like fuck it. Now to the subjecto of this incoming rant. WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER? Why does it matter if I know you decided you're a boy. Why does it matter than I know that you found a need to post about the fact that I do know. I have my ways of finding shit out and most of the time I'm not even looking. I don't know what you think, but I have friends that actually give a shit about me. They know my past with you and that every now and then I still have that little pang that I want to stab at so it goes away. Sometimes it's a notification, like saying, OH SHE POSTED SOME CRAP ABOUT YOU KNOWING SHE'S A BOY NOW, and other times it's them asking me because they think I still know you. Who knows, maybe I do, they also know I'm smart and pretty well equipped when it comes to interpreting peoples actions at this point. Maybe not always with you but it's rare when I don't have an intelligent explanation for how someone's acting, seeing as I can analyze it. It's easy for me to have an answer to motive and effects of what I say and do towards others, and it's even easier to tell when it's what people say and do towards each other. Take for example when I called you a cunt. If you really didn't give two shits about me the way you let on, you wouldn't have needed to tell the pregnant twerk fiend about it, or even found a need to be more of a cunt. Or that you still read this shit stain that's average compared to anyone else. That just shows that I STILL MATTER in some fucking way. Let me put it easier for you. There's no such thing as moving on. People leave imprints on other people's minds once they talk to and meet them. Sometimes you don't even have to talk to them and just do body language. Once you care, you can't stop. Love and hate are like two best friends because with people you both love and hate them. It's always easier to focus on the negative though. I don't want to go into detail in case I already have on an earlier post. But negative bothers you and positive doesn't, so of course you're going to notice and complain about the negative and only notice the positive when it's not there. Me? Well I prefer to focus on the positive side because I have enough negative energy. I take in enough negative energy and put out twice as much. My house is a nightmare to me because of all the negative energy and few people know, until now but probably still few people that actually know me, that I have horrible image flashes of creatures and demonic entities. My house is a psychological torment. There's holes everywhere in the hallways and I always feel  like when I walk by that arms are going to reach out and grab me. I close my eyes and they're there even though I deny they are. My stair well is the worst lit place in my house because we're too lazy to change the lightbulbs and so the stair case is the worst. I see things crawling up at me. I've told people before though, I don't have to worry. Because no matter how dark and scary they are, I'm a fucking HUMAN, so they know I'm worse. This probably seems irrelevant but believe me I'm getting to the relevance. YOU WERE THE LIGHT FOR TOO LONG. Did you ever wonder why I constantly babbled about feelings to you especially that I loved you and never noticed that I was entrapping you and making you feel obligated to put up with it? It's because I subconsciously refused to acknowledge that things were shittier than they were because I needed something to keep me going. I'll thank you for what you did for me, but you don't have to treat me like some fucking freak. Don't tell yourself you aren't. That post just says that you do. Everyone's their own freak and only few are willing to show and admit that the way I did to you. I'm not asking you for another chance because I don't think I deserve one nor want one because I don't think I need one. For the longest time I always just blamed myself, not just with you but everything. This summer helped me realize that it's never just one person's fault, it's everyone involved. Although I regret it I do blame you for some of what happened. At this point you're on the same level as my brother. I want to interact with you but I'm going to resist it because it's beneath me. I don't need to throw myself back into the pit that I crawled out of. The way you view me now makes you beneath me and not worth my time, because if you were you would still be here. I hope this is my last rant/post about/at you. You'll still come up but as a reference point like in the last post. Don't blame me for it, you were a big part of my life and you had your own part. You never would have gotten to that point if you never interacted with me as much as you did in 7th til 9th. But, because it's the last rant, hopefully, I'm going to say thank you. Thanks for putting up with me the way you did. Thanks for blocking me, even though you probably wanted to anyways. Thanks for leading me to be the person that I am now because I'm disgusted with who I was in 8th grade. Congratulations for being a big enough influence on my mood that I wanted to gut myself and almost offed myself 3 times, 1 time that never got to the offing because I dropped the method. Fuck you because I think you find yourself to be special. You're not. I'm not. No one is. I remember at one point you told me maybe we were drifting apart because you were more mature and now I beg to differ. Besides that there's no measure of maturity, you still act like a child. I may curse, I may be wild, but when it comes to actual decisions and relationships with people I take them seriously while you still treat them promiscuously, or at least that's how it appears to me. So goodbye, fuck you, I miss you, and I love you.

So I guess I haven't made a post post in awhile and just been posting lyrics. Believe me, I have a shit ton more banked and ready to post once I finish them also. I guess the reason that all I've had to post is lyrics is because one, I want to become a rapper one day and I think I could if I got a mixtape recorded and all that shit, and if I could pick a name and stick with it, and two, because I've been lost in thought and emotions and it's easier to say things that way. For me, that is brain vomit. Thoughts flow so much easier for me when they're flying from my fingers to the screen in a weird structure that sounds solid. So I guess I'll just use this post to update people. YES, I'VE INDULGED IN RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY. It's not that big of a deal though for anyone that may be thinking it is. I've quit anyways because I've lost my mind too many times this summer and not even half of it is because of that. I didn't even indulge much, maybe twice a week at the most. I'd like to say I've been on rebound for over a year now. It's impressive that I've been on rebound that long when I was never in a relationship to begin with. But, I can't help it if I fall for every person that I look at whether they're a guy or girl. Personally, I'm straight, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to show affection towards everything and everyone that walks by. Blue, Echo, Mr. Alers (She decided she's a boy now), whatever he/she/it wants to go by is still going to be stuck on my mind but she's not some vital part, as seen that I managed to live past a year without her. She at least said that all I do is wallow in my sadness but I do that when I'm by myself, which tends to happen a lot because it's easy to disregard me so I can't help but be a depressive, suicidal cunt. I can choose to be happy, but it's harder than it looks. Being around people brings out the smile that I like to share though, and if I couldn't smile when other people are around there'd be something to seriously be worried about. I miss her, a lot, and wish I didn't fuck up the way I did, but I also know that the past is the past and I should really be more worried about the present. I'm going to stay stubborn and think at one point she was as in love with me as I still am with her, and that my opinion still matters cause I called her a cunt and she pissed on me, but as what happens to a lot of people those feelings weren't acknowledged at the same time that I noticed mine, and so I ended up fucking myself. I get told by so many people that friends make the best spouses and it's because they do, but it's so hard to break away from the concept that being friends is more valuable that spouses. It's not, it's better to live in the moment. Who needs to think, thinking and planning fails. Follow your heart when it tells you that you want to hump the shit out of that other person and then hump their leg when you guys are done, because if you decide to ignore it for friendship that's you telling yourself it's not going to work out well. If it wasn't going to work out well, then how'd you guys even become friends? Your friends know you better than you know yourself, an external perspective is very important in an evaluation of yourself. On another note I got a job at Crackerbarrel as a busser/dishwasher. That means I'm not only making money but I've gotten introduced to another crowd of people, especially girls, that I can enjoy time with, and less time alone. I already got a thing for two girls at work specifically. One, sadly, has a boyfriend and I talk to her enough, not a shit ton to get super close and the whole entire, THE FRIENDSHIP IS WORTH MORE, Bullshit ensues. The other I think will say yes if, and when, I get a chance to ask her, and she's just beautiful. I know nothing about her, don't know her last name, don't know where she lives, don't know if she's single. I didn't even know what position she worked until halfway into my first week after training. I've only even had an actual conversation with her once, but one of my friends just mentioned me to her and he said she perked up so much. Whenever I pass by her she flashes that beautiful and subtle smile. I really want to ask her before I miss my chance and someone else notices what I do. But I'm nervous. Up until I got this job I could easily be considered a shut in, with no social skill, because of how my house was setup. I got all the bitch jobs. I know how to talk to girls, I know how to talk to people in general, but asking a girl out is different. I'm afraid of rejection and I'm not afraid to share it. Every girl I've been interested in rejected me pretty easily. I don't think it was just my bad choices I made pursuing them but I just didn't know how to pick the right girl. At this point though I learned I can't just blame myself but everyone involved is at fault. Not saying who's more at fault more but the blame doesn't just go in one place and I wish I realized that earlier. A good leader takes a little more of the blame and a little less of the credit, and no one even knows he's the leader. I think I might be a good leader. But back to the main focus of this rant at the moment. Like I said, she's BEAUTIFUL, that's really fucking intimidating. It doesn't make it hard to talk to her, but to ask her out is harder. Especially with my personal issues with rejection, and possible commitment, and imminent abandonment. I would love to imagine and live in a world where a relationship could last forever, but I know it wouldn't if it even got to that stage. If I don't manage to fuck it up somehow, then we'd end up drifting apart when I go off to college because I wouldn't be able to maintain a long-distance relationship. Well, I don't know that for sure just because I don't know what I'd be like then, but I'm pretty confident I'd find it hard and would give in before I should. In other news, I've had more than enough disputes with my mom and brother. They're family but that's it, they're just family to me now. I look up to my brother, and love him a shit ton but he just looks down on me. My mom? Well She's just like him minus as much of my affection. They're both narcissistic and too self-absorbed to care about anyone else in this house, and worn through more than enough chances. I'm not saying I'm anything special but everyone has a breaking point and I don't like to admit that I found mine with them. I'll eventually go back, but I"m going to give it more time than I usually do. I may seem a little cold but "The Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". You are probably familiar with the shorter and misinterpreted version. But it means that relationships you make in life are more important than the ones you're born into. You can't just excuse everything with, they're family, in fact you shouldn't let that stand because they're family. According to that saying, in the battle of nature vs nurture, well nurture wins. To me blood is family. Water can be blood too, but people can be neither also, and the only permanent thing is water. That doesn't mean you have to hold onto them and let them drag you down to drown though.

A writer a rapper a thinker a pleaser
A nigger a wigger a cracker a chink
I'm everything nothing everywhere now
I'll do it with a smile a frown and a wink
I'll talk and talk and everyone listens
But when things change I don't
An empath at heart but self-centered too
An oxymoronic fart

Everything's up and everything's down
The world's still going round
I'm the world's winner and loser
In my own right
Just listen, I need no crown

I love you I hate you
You disgust me
I praise you
Bitch bend over please
I'm thinking You're winking
Has more than just meaning
Now excuse me as I proceed

Everything's down and everything's up
Nobody's perfect we all fuck up
Mistakes get made
And plays get played
You just have to move on
Look to a new day

Dear me, stop being me
Go back to being who you think you want to be
Wait, that's wrong, but also, that's right
You make the choice cause I really can't decide
Would you just fucking make up your mind?
Rather than sitting thinking wasting my time?
One way or the other you're eventually fucked
So pick it now or later until then shut up

You reject your family now you reject yourself
You're a reject of rejects a reject can tell
But now you reflect to redo and relive
But no way, no one cares about what you think you give
You see yourself a giver but you look like a taker
Everyday you want to be real cause you feel faker
I guess I'll ramble to you later
Cause right now I'm talking to myself, later

5 parts bitter and 2 parts sweet
Sprinkle a smile and 3 parts meat
The recipe is for the annoyed human being
Or one way better, it's a recipe for me
Cause you fancy yourself a man
But you'll beg if you must
And you'd like to say it's love
But really you just wanna bust

A Wish

Everywhere I look there's a place that I wanna see
Everyone I see is someone I wanna be
Everyday I live, I live it waiting on you
I really wish it weren't true

My mind is a cage and you hold the fucking key
You should let me out but I don't think there's room for me
Everyday I spend, I spend it thinking of you
I really wish it weren't true

The liver leaking fools are the fools that I wanna be
Drinking everyday passing out in a fucking heap
Maybe through the haze I won't even think about you
I really wish that that's true

Gin and tonic, whiskey, rum and a shot of me
I'm puking out my words as I'm drinking without a fee
Even in the haze, I'm still stuck thinking of you
I really wish it weren't true



If you sing it to the rift in "(Can't Get My) Head Around You" it'll sound better, cause that's what I wrote it to.