Now I actually like this one, even though it's short. Honestly I imagine myself growing up and becoming many things. One of those possibilities is a song writer, even though I'm not involved in music. I used to be, hell I was my Piano teacher's pride, but that's in my past. I don't like playing the piano. Drums were fun, oh god they were fun, but I got bored with them too as everything eventually does with me. I didn't like the learning as much as I did the beating on things. I just need to sharpen my vocabulary and syncronizing with my natural rhythm, and it'll work better. And, of course, get better at wordplay and other devices. And yes, the ending with "splashed in red" is meaning blood. No, I don't mean I'm going to kill someone, I'm saying all my future holds is just more pain for me to experience.
I'm going to repost this every Sunday, I want it to always be in the 7 most recent, and I'm going to be adding to it as the thoughts come to me. Most of those thoughts will probably come when I'm moping, so don't be surprised if it gets loaded with lines one week and another none come.
I love you because you can make my worst day a good one
I love you because you can make me laugh in the most serious situation
I love you because you're one of the most creative girls I'll ever know
I love you because when most people treated me horribly, you still treated me like a person
I love you because despite my shortcomings, you'll still let me attempt to be your friend again
I love you because your smile is one of the brightest I'll see
I love you because you gave me multiple second chances
I love you because you don't take advantage of my feelings for you
I love you because you can be blunt
I love you because you used to be there when I needed you
I love you because you'll put up with me
I love you because you made Seizure Time
I love you because you're not afraid to be different
I love you because you helped make me into who I am today
I love you because you're one of the few people I know I can trust
I love you because at one point you loved me
I love you because you care about more than just yourself
I love you because you can respect a simple life
I love you because you're immaterial
I love you because you're a legit gamer girl
I love you because you can look past the physical wants
I love you because you're passionate about what you love
I love you because you're a hipster and don't need to follow a crowd
I love you because you're stubborn when it comes to what you believe in
I love you because you watch anime
I love you because your humor is rare in this world
I love you because you introduced me to new things because of your hipsterism, I would've never found some bands without you
I love you because you're sincere with what you say
I love you because you can play innocent
I love you because you troll, or atleast used to
I love you because even though you're above my level, you still associate with me at points
I love you because when you should've been nasty, you were still nice to me
I love you because you can empathize with someone right away
I love you because you normally know what's right
I love you because you wouldn't slap someone for telling the truth
I love you because you used to keep me company online at the early hours of the day
I love you because when I told you how head over heels I was for you you got flattered rather than creeped out or mad
I love you because you've given me more chances than I deserve
I love you because you're an error in a good way
I love you because even when you say goodbye, you're going to be considerate of how I'd feel
I love you because you used to make me feel like I mattered
I love you because we used to stay up every night talking
I love you because you at least used to be as crazy as me
I love you because you can rock a sock monkey hat
I love you because you helped to revive Hipster Darth Vader
I love you because you're a leathery marshmallow
I love you because you'd be weird with me
I love you because you know me better than anyone else
I love you because you broke down my walls without even trying
I love you because you're into PLUR
I love you because you've been a kindred spirit, but now I don't know
I love you because our emotions used to fluctuate where when I was happy you were sad and vice versa, so we were always there for each other
I love you because you're the most jubah person I'll ever met
I love you because when I pet your head in eighth grade, even though you hated it, you still put up with it
I love you because when you see a slug, you give it a photoshoot
I love you because if we were together and I got caught looking at porn, you wouldn't be mad at me for looking at it, but for looking at it without you
I love you because you let me in, even though you eventually shut me out
I love you because you're original without trying
I love you because you prefer to be comfortable rather than attractive
I love you because you're just as disgusted with blowjobs as I am
I love you because you were the only other person in IMS to know what Cyanide and Happiness was
I love you because you're artisitc
I love you because we became friends over a picture of a fatman rolling down a hill
I love you because I didn't have to be funny for you to keep talking to me
I love you because even though you gave up, you continued to let me try
I love you because you like old music, and music that no one's heard of
I love you because you're an alien warrior
I love you because you're a mexican frenchman
I love you because when you were Keroro, you let me be Tamama, which I fit really well in relation to your role
I love you because you're a freak
I love you because you made me a video collage on "The Nicest Place On Earth" even though the link's broken now
I love you because you left your mark on me
I love you because we had an empathy link
I love you because you encouraged my aspirations
I love you because a lot of the things you told me to try, I liked, animes, music, T.V.
I love you because you might still be reading this blog
I love you because our conversations didn't have to make sense
I love you because the Magical Iguana of Love said so
I have more in my head and some of these are repetitive, but you said you didn't want me to compliment your body, well here, have some other ones. Some of these sound kinda retarded though, but I couldn't think of a better way to put them. Some of this is sentiment from when we'd always talk. But in the simplest words I can find,
I love you because you're you, not because you're another pretty face.
Yes I do realize that it appears that I only love you because you're nice to me, but you know it's deeper than that. I really wish it were easier for me to express my emotions straightforward, where I don't use metaphors, similes, and other things that require interpretation. I'm horrible with words.
I hope you read this everytime I update it. I'm sorry for smothering you and making you feel trapped. I'm sorry that I destroyed our friendship because I wanted more. Please come back, it's not the same without you here, especially during the summer when I have no one else to talk to. There are days that I spend not talking to anyone face to face or even on facebook. I miss you, and I miss Blue.
It's odd to say but, YAY MY MOM'S HOME. Only reason it's odd to say is because I hate her due to her always annoying the shit out of me and bothering me. She also likes to spend money on random ass crap a lot, or go on a rampage about the house for no reason. But, she brought goodies. Besides a bounty of plum candies that I got, I got two rings and some headphones from her. I was surprised to find out that Ray Bans have a brand of headphones also. On Amazon the retail price is 200 dollars, rolled back to 50. I got a jade ring, something I've been wanting cause my old one broke. Then I got a surgical steel ring with onyx as the gemstone. It has a Fleur-De-Lis engraved on both sides. Now that you could find in America, same with the headphones, but the jade ring is pretty hard to get locally. I'm probably not going to wear the onyx ring, a little too flashy. I prefer jewelry that's a little more subtle. Only unsubtle piece that I wear are bracelets that I have which can clack a lot. I have onyx in that. My brother though, he got another surgical steel ring, that made me laugh. It was the nicer of the two, oh yes, but it says "David" and "NBA" on it. Obviously my uncle bought us two pre-owned class rings. I kind of wish I went now. Found out that all my uncles except one are loaded in Taiwan. I knew that one of them, a pharmaceutical representative, had stacks, but I never met a lot of the family. One of them, who doesn't have a son or daughter, spends more on fish than someone would to raise a kid. At first I was like, well I would've missed things at home. But no, I probably would've been doing the same things there and probably more. I'm a social introvert when it comes to family though. I just don't like to talk to, well, people I don't know well. I just don't get comfortable and I go into myself. I'd have warmed up to them in a month though. Then again...if I went to Taiwan I wouldn't have a stash of rockets at my house.
So I always will have the view that everything in this world happened for a reason and that there's an unquestionable flow in it. Besides the trade off, you know, the one to two ratio of good to bad or bad to good depending on which thing came first. Suffer for a week, be euphoric for two. But it's also when I point out to myself that things are going nice, they always turn downwards. Too bad it doesn't work the other way around. Take this for example, every Dota game I have if I tell myself I'm doing well early game I get fucked late. It's not so much of me getting cocky though, I just end up screwing up. I'm probably subconsciously cocky though. But on a bigger scale, I have that moment a few days ago where I'm like, everything's coming together. People are paying me back, I'm talking to people, I've fixed my sleep schedule, I'm lifting weights, everything's nice. But then, it crashes. Some of the people that were gonna pay me back don't have the money, I stopped lifting, food goes to waste, I'm staying up late and sleeping the afternoons. My theory of me having the habit of always screwing up something good for me though, that's more than just me. Nothing good will ever last and nothing will always stay bad. Situations fluctuate over and over again, that's just how things work. I just have a goal list for this summer that I don't expect to accomplish at all. Number one, get back to being active. Over the school year I slowly got lazier and lazier. Started off where I stopped running cause I did that a lot in gym, then it got to me not lifting as much for the last quarter, then the last two weeks I didn't lift at all. Number two, get back to being funny. I can always be funny when I'm talking to someone and I'm not suffering any anxiety, but when I get nervous I'm physically unable to because of the chemical shift in my brain. It's the same situation when it's online. I want to be that guy that makes the funny comment on a page again. I also want to, you know, be able to make her laugh if she comes back. She and I used to laugh a lot together. Number three, get a girlfriend. Now I don't expect this one to happen at all. Besides me still being hung up on a certain someone that abandoned me, I don't meet people during the summer. I meet people through school. There's also my diminishing personality that would normally win someone over. Number four, get better at gloving. Now I can glove fairly well, but my digits and tuts are horrible. Plus I still can't do a legit finger roll. I've also been using about the same things every time I do glove. This I do expect to improve, if it hasn't that's fine because I did get better at poi. Number five, improve Dota play. Now I've come pretty far in Dota, I was a super noob for a month or so. But I still have slip ups that really screw me over. Me randoming most games has served to help fix that, in fact some of my games where I'm new to the hero have been my best with that hero, not just because I don't use them again. This isn't that big of a priority in the least. Number six, fix up my house. Besides the fact that we'd have weeks gone where everything we ate came from a restaurant or was premade and cooked in a store, my house is a mess. My brother's become a slob and my basement is proof of it. I also need to do laundry that hasn't been done in 4 months. I got to cooking, last two weeks I started cooking more. The laundry is still iffy. House being a mess has been fought to an extent, my bathroom is clean but my basement is littered with crap. Number seven, improve the blog. Because lately all I've been doing is moaning and retarded lyrics and retarded interpretations. I also haven't been able to make it as entertaining as I used to. When I originally made the blog I was depressed, not this depressed, but I still managed to incorporate sarcasm into most posts. This blog is past it's prime, sad that it's gotten more views lately, I'd expect from my moaning. I'd rather the first few months have gotten the views that this blog is getting now. Last goal, get more involved with music. Now I don't mean playing, even though I should renew my talent with the piano or the drums, but with working with. I had a flare for mixing, even though the mix I made got a lot of hate I think it was pretty good seeing as I used Audacity for it. There's also song writing. You people have seen me post a lot of "lyrics" here. But I know I can do better than that. Besides them mostly being me moaning about heart ache, they're started to seem blander and blander to me. This isn't ordered in anyway, just as it came to me.
Cause she didn't look back I've tried to look forward
But I ain't gonna last cause I don't know what for
Optimism lost, my hope is close to gone
Just gonna talk things out in this crappy song
A month and a half, and it's going to last
The pain still here and it's not gonna past
I still move forward but I don't know what for
After all, she closed the door
She's gone from my life but the memory remains
A reminder of what I had but couldn't save
If she saw me now I wonder what she'd say
Probably nothing, not even hey
I've let myself go and gone back to old ways
Every single day just feels the same
The same old routine cause nothing's changed
This nightmare's become normal
And I can't forget the pain
If karma said yes and she came back
I'd be reluctant to take her but still say yes
I need my best friend in this dark world
I'm alone on the inside and I've grown old
Young on the out, dead on the in
Sometimes in life I just never win
The good times have passed and I'm stuck with them
Tried to make more, but no happy end
So a couple weeks ago I watched 3 Kevin Hart specials and started thinking that maybe I should find a comedy club with an open mic night. Of course that means having to go into the city to find one, preferably one that doesn't cost much to get into. That's how Kevin Hart got discovered, he showed up at a comedy club and became a regular thing. Plus, he tells personal stories, well most comedians probably tell personal stories. It's just, that's one of the ways I like to make people laugh. Tell stories. Of course I embellish to the point where it's not so accurate anymore, but that's besides the point. The point is, I know how to entertain a crowd if I must. I've been wanting to tell one to her, but I can't break the silence. It's up to her if she wants to come back. I just feel like saying Hey at two in the morning. I used to always talk to her late at night, when I couldn't sleep. Of course she'd be asking why I chose to bother her, which I wouldn't have any real reason. I have so many stories I could use that I'd expect to make her laugh, but they stay with me for now.
So it's been a month and a half since she left. I miss her, I really do, but it seems like I only miss her because I've been missing her. Sad to say she's faded into a memory for me. Just a memory. I don't even know what I'd talk about with her. I even stopped adding to the folder of links I have to send to her except the occasional Legend of Zelda or Portal or Halo meme. I still know things that she likes, just don't know what I'd be saying if she were here. When school starts, I still hope that she'll be in a class with me. I don't want her to be a memory.
So, my "legendary" man cave of a basement has been in much need of two new couches for over three months. More like since the start of the year, but my dad and I finally got around to it. We needed a new couch because the current one's cushions have the covers practically shredded off. There's another one down there that's a love seat and a really nice couch to sit in, but that's it, it's only nice to sit in. You can't sleep on it or else the cushions slide off. So, to counter these shredding of cushions problem we got two "leather" couches. I don't remember what the actual term was but it's like leather, except cheaper, durable, and less shiny. Ohhh, how I like my furniture to be shiny. We looked in a couple of places. Three to be exact. The first two were warehouses that didn't even have commercials, which just tells you the quality of their prices. They both said emergency sell off and discounts up to 60% but they barely took off 10%. I really didn't know shit about the furniture business until this week. But the third place, ohoho the third place, I loved. It wasn't where the furniture was crowded together, there was more than two salesmen, and when you walked in you got someone to help you the whole entire time you were there. The other places? The salesman just sat in the back the whole entire time and didn't let us bargain. At the place we bought the couch, WE WERE ALLOWED TO BARTER. You don't know how important that privilege is. You can bring a 1000 dollar price down to around 750. I found though, when I was shopping, that I could imagine myself as a furniture salesmen rather than college, or if I go to clown college(community college) for two years rather than straight to a big fancy one with dorms. Besides the commissions I could actually do it. I'm a born salesmen. I know how to make something seem better than it is or less than it is, depending on what you want. There was a set that I wanted cause I thought it came with a recliner, and I almost got my dad to buy it. Of course, knowing me, I'll probably go to college right after high school. And if I choose the community path, I still probably wouldn't be employed as a furniture salesmen because I'd imagine you need a level of certification or some training, which I doubt they'd want to give to someone that doesn't plan to stay long if it's training. Certification? Um, no, I'm not going to go to college for two years to sell furniture, I'm going to go to college for at least four years and continue it afterwards so as to maximize profit and potentially make a difference in this fucked up country we call America. Oh and the term is "Durablend" sounds fancy.
So I found a song that I wish I found earlier. It's by Weezer, and I'm surprised I hadn't found it earlier, the album it's on I listen to a lot. It's on "Make Believe". Not much more to say about it, the lyrics are so blunt that I don't need to explain them. Weezer makes great music. This song expresses how I fealt towards her except I did mess with things, because I felt a need for more. I miss how things used to be. When she and I were bestfriends and nothing got awkward. When we talked everyday. When she still loved me.
I have a deep affection for dreaming, it's my second favorite thing about sleeping. But dreams are amazing, besides being an exhibit of how far your memory can extend, they can be prophetic in ways also. I put a lot of faith in my dreams, and I always cherish the parts of them that I can remember. Of course, the dream that you can't has more of a message for you to receive than the one you remembered. Of course in those dreams there's always bits that you do remember, and that's what you're supposed to develop a message from. Last night I had one of those dreams that is a giant jumble of dreams that don't tie together at all. I barely remember any of it. I do remember a part that had her in it, and how it took place in the future and how she and I were tight again. I hope that comes true. Dreams are a form of scrying and can show you a possible future, which is why I love them so. I always have the moment where I'm doing something and realize I'd seen it before. Even just a scratch of it that happened in a dream. But I don't remember it until then. Like when Dota updated the tutorial, I'd seen that little map picture in my head before. But dreams can teach you a lot about yourself. They show you what you truly want, they show you what you could get, they show you what you will get. But you don't know what it meant until it happens. I want to go into the world's quietest room one day, and try to sit there and break a record. Just sit there and meditate to the point where hallucinations are induced. Of course it'd be more like daydreaming. But I'd be able to remember the images produced by my brain. I really want to get this thing I read about now. It's called dream herb and you can buy it on Amazon. Originating in Mexico it was used by the natives to induce lucid dreaming. They would have a cup of tea made from it along with smoking a pipe packed with it and dreams would be easier to remember and you'd be able to exert a level of influence on them. Of course if I were to buy it and explain why to my dad he'd probably think I'm some stoner that's looking for a new fix.
So, due to having nothing better to do, most of my days have been made up of 8 hours of gaming mixed with the most unhealthy sleep clock you'll find. Even more, I still haven't gotten back on track with my excercising, I want to by the end of the summer be back to daily lifting and cardio. I hang out with my friends enough still though, the past week not as much but the other weeks totally. If I do hang out with my friends it's almost definite that I'll not be playing Dota. I need a break from Dota, but I literally have nothing better to do. I've gotten pretty good at it, but my gameplay is still greatly affected by my mood. Even though I've been winning a lot it's because I'm getting carried by teammates, I've personally been playing a lot of crap games. I'm planning to start recording games with commentary though, of course I need to fix my uncomedic glance at things. Dota's gotten boring enough that I normally just random every game unless it's single draft. It's pretty much me fucking around most of the game. You don't want me to get a fun hero because you'll be sorely dissappointed when we lose. I normally save fucking around for late game when whatever I do shouldn't matter, but lately is almost always. Like when we Rosh I'll deny the Aegis just to fuck with them, or when I have a force staff I shoot people into towers. Another fun thing to do is have Tiny or Faceless Void. Nothing like throwing people into towers with Tiny or chronoing your team. My personal favorite fuck around char is Spirit Breaker though. I have such a horrible track record because most games with him I spend it running across the map once I get my R. My much needed break will be tomorrow though, if I can manage to get to sleep before 3 tonight. My usual "bedtime" is 10 in the morning. Almost forgot, Dota is out of Beta so the noobs are coming in torrents. They updated the tutorial so it's not that bad, but there's still the occasional feeding dumbass.
So recently I ordered one of the fanciest glove lights you'll ever see. Of course I'm talking about the eLite Oracles. They're really hard to program though. To be able to compile all the features into one chip you ave to program all the color sets at once. To program the modes are even harder, you have to hold down the specific set and wait for the right mode to come. They're set up in an order though so you can just count towards it. I haven't personally programmed the colors yet but when I do I know I'm going to have my usual RGB color sets, along with some even more interesting ones. Even better, I got fuzzy gloves to go with it, and domes. That's how I'm going to differentiate the eLites because I plan to get the eNovas and eZLites. If it wasn't clear, I'm using different diffusers for the different type of eLites. From the preprogrammed sets I like to use the Red Yellow Cyan tracer for thumbs. Pinky and Index finger are Purple Red Yellow hyper strobe, Ring and Middle are Red White Blue strobies. It looks pretty good if I say so myself. As for when I make my set all my thumb settings are going to be tracers. The Red set with be a RGB tracer. The Green set will be a GBR tracer. The Blue set will be a BRG tracer. Index and Pinky will be 7C or Hyper Strobes on all sets. Middle and Ring will be Dops or Strobies on all sets. Of course I'll have to try other combinations, the candy strobe looks interesting, but for now I think those setups will be really nice together. Sad thing is, even though I love gloving more than anything, I just don't feel like doing it as much. She's in love with the PLUR scene. She was interested, or atleast acted interested, by my gloving too. She told me I was good at it, so now when I see the Oracles I can't help but thing how she'd like to see them. I never got to give her a lightshow.
I'm using tracers on thumb, middle, and pinky, while I have 3Cs on index and ring.
So, I have this one friend that I personally find really annoying. And thank god he doesn't read this because he'd know it's him right away. Sometimes I don't think he even has any friends outside of me. His mom's even more annoying, she will invite me over and he doesn't know anything about it. But hanging out with him, it used to be fun, it used to be a blast, but it got old. Me hanging out with some other friends gets old too, but it's not in the bad way. We mix things up, while with him it's always the same. Lately I've been less tolerant of people, especially him. It's gotten worse in these last few weeks cause of recent events, but even before then I've been more irritable and easy to fight with just because I can't be happy anymore. With him, I've been about to tell him to fuck off and stop bothering me, but I'm not about to do that. I just think it's sad when you can be surrounded with friends and people that care, and trust me I am, but only one of them actually knows you're miserable. No one else can notice that you're depressed, that everything's wrong at night. They have to be told. This has nothing to do with him, honestly he's an old friend that I barely talk to now. But honestly, I used to wonder why it's always the people that appear happy all the time that commit suicide and now I know. It's because people didn't notice that something was wrong. There's always going to be that one person, but one person isn't enough. I just find it hard to be funny now because happiness is an important ingredient for that. People don't notice they're depressed because they don't want to bother them with their own problems. I wouldn't be surprised that most of those people like that that left this fucked up world were some of the most selfless people ever. But them being happy all the time makes people think they can't be depressed. But with me, sometimes that's all that people expect. They expect me to be funny and interesting. I mean my parents care about my grades, but other people that's all they notice. The one girl that I'd do anything for, cause I still refuse to refer to her as Blue because she hasn't shown me that side in awhile, she didn't pay attention to me because I was interesting or funny all the time. We had deep conversations a lot also. We had a connection that changed me. There's probably only one other person right now, that I'd talk to regularly, that sees the other side of me. And now I'm stuck with only one. Not that that's bad, it's better than none. But sometimes I just feel like I need to be heard, which I guess is why I've kept up this blog.
Everyday I wakeup with a smile on my face
But I can't keep the pace for the rest of the day
The pain, the sorrow, the tears in my heart
I can make some progress but I never get far
Everyday
I think of you
And everything
That we went through
That you threw to the ground and left in the trash
Because you gave up and I'm left in last
Sometimes I think you're a senseless bitch
But no, it was my fault
Sometimes I think you should have stayed
But no, I'm wrong
I still want you here, right with me
But I'm scared to talk plus you don't miss me
I know what to say but you're to break the silence
So, happy fourth of July. I'd just like to say, I have a personal distaste for this country. Even though I bought fireworks to shoot at people I didn't do it out of patriotism. I call it a monster because of how their society has shaped their views. They've created a materialistic culture that emphasize the importance of physical possessions and appearance. A culture that makes an overweight person feel bad rather than jolly like they should. A culture that leads to stuff like cutting becoming a fad more than a distress call. I still remember the Cut for Beiber pictures. But then it's way of bringing liberty to a country is forcing it on them. I get the war in Iraq but they didn't have to setup a democracy. They could've given the newly liberated a choice on what they wanted as a government. You don't know how many jokes I read about how this country on liberates for oil. Face it though, this wondrous land we call home is highly corrupt. I remember in a movie I watched called Lynching Charlie Lynch on Netflix. So Charlie is an owner of a dispensary in a small town in California. At the opening of it the whole entire town is there for it, giving him lots of support. But, the Sheriff, who doesn't get as many confiscated goodies anymore, doesn't like it because it creates an income for the department or something along those lines. Later on it's revealed he was embezzling money from the department. Back to my little summary. So the sheriff launches an investigation of all clients and Charlie that turns up nothing after a year. Rather than give up, he calls the DEA. This leads to Charlie getting fucked up the ass with legal charges and dropped in jail in LA. In LA with a dispensary near the jail. Charlie does get out though. In fact prior to incarceration he got released on bail and right away he gets issued a new permit and starts up his business again. But the DEA threatens the landlord to confiscate the building. Just a little scratch of how retarded the United States is.
So as I near 5000 views I'd like to apologize to any daily or relatively usual viewers for the past month or so and how my posts have been mostly made up of depressive moaning about her. I pretty much paraphrased the same feel over and over again. I've been trying to end that though. Possibly incorporate more comedy into it like I used to. Sometimes it's just hard to be funny though, I just don't feel like it sometimes. I want to turn it back to being entertaining in the laugh my ass off cause it's funny sense, but not the it's so pitiful it's funny. I still remember though, I originally made this blog to moan about things that piss me off. It was called "The Coping Mechanism A.K.A. My Bitch" for so long for a reason. She was why I made it too, or at least gave me the idea. I copied her a lot back then. You should read her blog, it's at the bottom of my page and it just shows a scratch of the girl I fell for. The last two don't really do that though, not to be a dick to her. After reading her last one though, which she put up a few days ago, I'm really tempted to just try to talk to her. After reading it my hope started to flare. I ended up thinking, maybe she does miss me a little. I still have to stick by my word though. I told her I'd leave her alone two weeks ago after a bi-daily message to her that got ignored she responded and she and I got into I don't know what to call it, just not a conversation. It ended with me saying I'll try to make the message I was sending my last. But, I really don't want to have it where the next time I see her I can't hold myself together. I want to fix things before the end of summer, but I also want to wait for her to break the silence. I don't know if her blog update counts as that. I remember before she said that I was the only one that still read her blog, which is why I got so refilled with hope, thought maybe the update was directed at me. But I'd have to say I've felt happier the past two weeks than I have for awhile. It's because I don't have to live in fear of the day she gets done with me, because that day came and passed. If she did decide to rekindle our friendship, which I hope she eventually does, I feel like I'd have to make her promise never to kick me to the side again and just tell me when she's had enough. Tell me when she's had enough and I leave her alone for a week. I already know I'm going to run into her next year. Maybe at lunch, maybe in French, maybe in English, maybe in Human Geography. I don't know what grade of Geo she's in though, I'd expect her to be the type to take AP. There's also gym. I have the highest chance of ending up in French with her. There's supposed to be only one Honors French II teacher next year, and two or three classes at that. But, even though the past two weeks have been better than most, I've ended up letting myself go. Despite me feeling happier, that's only most of the time. At night, when I normally get work done like lifting weights, I've been too down to push myself to. I started eating more junk food also. My stomach is slowly returning and I need to get back into weights to work it away.
It's been three weeks since that shit night happened, and two weeks since I last talked to her. Even though I want to talk to her more than anything, I'm still going to restrain myself. What's a man that can't stick by his word. I still hope that when school starts she's going to be in one of my classes and we manage to rekindle the friendship, somehow. But it'd have to be her that does that. In real life I wouldn't be able to look at her without a tear forming in my eyes. Yesterday I had a long road trip into Pennsylvania to get fireworks, even though I had my friend with me it got pretty quiet after awhile. I had that whole entire road trip to think about things, but all I did was think of her. When it wasn't a fully formed thought it was just her name. I drifted off to sleep a lot during that trip. And when I got home I slept. I had a long day, fixed my sleep schedule slightly so I stopped going to sleep at seven or eight in the morning. Then last night I had a dream. It's not all clear, but I believe I did have some points of lucidity in them. What I do remember though is that she was in it. It was some party thing held by the school. Seemed like a graduation party. We were all in senior gowns and I just remember that I smiled at her without feeling that tightness I'm so familiar with that grows up in my chest. It was like we were friends again, and it made me wakeup with a smile. Most of all, last night I didn't fall asleep with a tear in my eye. I was happy last night.
