Nostalgia and M&Ms

Saturday was a day that'll go down in my personal history for a long time. Not talking about some negative things that happened that day but the experience I got to share with my friends. I only have a few weeks left to make as many memories as I can with my soul brother before he goes off to better things, and Saturday was definite progress on that objective. While it wasn't every member of my usual chill crew, I wish it was, the nostalgia will never be lost on me. Not just because we haven't hung out like that in months, but because we won't in the near future. We laughed, we cried, we reminisced and relived old memories. Seeing them act the same way they did when we were in 9th grade almost made me cry. We've all grown a lot in the past four years, I've watched them change from being the most rowdy group of people to being adults, and seeing that we can still have a grand old time is nothing short of beautiful. I'm going to miss Chentos, The Lima Beaner, my brother and my friend. When he and I met I was full of myself and he was the guy that laughed at everything and we just clicked. You don't find many people like that in your life where you just know that there's never going to be something that causes you to split. He was my first friend at my new school, and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have some of the family I have now. In our circle he was the builder and I was the plaster, he was the one that got people to hang out with us and I was the one that got them to stay, and it's going to be different when he's gone because there's no hang out like hanging out with him. He and I are both one of a kind, we lean on each other like no other, and if it weren't for him I wouldn't have made it through the past four years. Every time I think about our bond though I think about that timeless song Handlebars by Flobots, especially the video. We both have set out to change the world, we both have qualities to change the world with, and if I had to guess I'd say in our past lives we were brothers by blood like Romulus and Remus, but not every story has a happy ending and theirs ended with fratricide. Anyone can do the wrong thing for the right reasons and lose sight of their true goals, and I've always felt I would be that. Ivan might not act innocent, but his soul is pure, mine's been tainted by greed and thirst for power in the past. I fear that we will cross paths again in 4 years and be two different people on two different sides, and neither of us will budge. But when that day comes we will greet each other with a hug not a fist, because we're brothers. I gave him a piece of my soul on Saturday and he's going to take good care of it, he'll always have me with him, so I don't have to worry about him missing me, and when I lose sight of myself I know he'll be there to remind me of who I am along with the rest of the family I've built in these past four years. The wolf pack, The Christmas Family, and RPPK, may we live long and prosper, and stay brothers in arms til death.

Bruh I'm An Artist

Ok, personally I consider myself an artist in a lot of ways, but I don't consider myself the "artist" type. When I use that term I mean those people that try to apply a science to their art. It can still look beautiful, it can still look amazing, but it's those people that make me want to shit myself in disgust. It's those same people that'll look down their nose at others that participate in a similar craft, you know why? Cause, these niggas be sophisticated yo, I mean they're straight deep with that line they drew, next to the other line, next to that BIG line that's at the bottom to fuck with your perception. I'll be upfront, I can be a music snob, but guess what? The same artists that I make fun of every now and then I also know for a fact make some sick shit. I listen to "unintelligent" music, I say it's unintelligent because half the time it's about the same content in hip hop, drugs sex and money. Guess what though? I can still appreciate that line that used some crazy wordplay, even if it's a played out content. Art is about expression, there's no right or wrong way there's only your way. Niggas these days be creating rules and criteria to judge art, when who the fuck has the right to do that? Some of you few readers that I don't have are probably wondering, why is he so heated right now? WHY RANDOMLY RANT? OBVIOUSLY I HAVE A REASON TO AND IT'S COMING! I was scrolling through facebook and saw a post by this guy in Art of Gloving. He's resharing a really good article to read on the gloving scene as of yet, but what he says with it is what got to me. He says gloving being mainstream is bad, that the newbies joining on make the scene look bad and do too many drugs. The way he worded it just struck me as, well, full of himself? snarky? narcissistic? Like I looked into this dude and he posts life feed Q and As that he does for about 15 minutes a piece that no one looks at, and he hasn't only done 2 or 3. Personally, I don't think drugs are the root of gloving like my friend Outlaw, but I do think they helped play a part. The gloving scene developed alongside or from the PLUR movement, it's another form of light/flow art. It has it's place in and outside of raves and festies, and could've been conceived by someone that never even touched a bowl or blunt, but I don't know Brian Lim. But, it's always been a favorite for potheads, for trippers, probably even for heroine addicts, in fact I knew a few that love that shit. Then, to say it makes the scene look bad, all the newbies, and the drugs. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TALK? AIN'T NOBODY FUCK WITH YOU BOY! And um also, that goes against what any art movement has, inclusion. It being mainstream benefits the scene, the more exposure it gets the less discrimination. Emazing and other companies wouldn't be able to stage gloving events without that exposure, there'd be more people getting told they should stop jacking off a ghost if the scene wasn't mainstream. There's pros and cons, but I personally prefer the scene's rise to mainstream. But, it's this type of shit that makes me mad. When someone says that there's a right way to do something with no rules, suggest criteria to be a practitioner in self expressions, that is disgusting. That is looking down your nose at people that never did anything wrong to you. That is putting yourself on an undeserved pedestal and when someone comes through and knocks you off, you're going to be wondering what you're doing on the floor not even realizing how close to the ground you already were. Hey look, I dunno, I'm not some pro, then again I don't think there's such thing as a pro when it comes to art, only fame.Oh and fuck hipsters, not the real hipsters that don't flaunt it, the ones that think they need to be on the cutting edge of shit, and that they're too good for anything everyone else has heard of, fucking genderqueer, I was the first to do this, man I'm the only this, a BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK. I could be the first person in my neighborhood to have a dad past age 5 but that doesn't make it special.

Excuses

I've always hated to hear excuses, and hated even more when I gave them. As time goes on though, I feel I make excuses to myself the most. An explanation for every single choice I've made against what I'd prefer. Mostly with girls though, I stand in my own way with girls. If I don't go overboard and scare them off I normally end up acting evasive as fuck. Especially now, where most people to pursue are also leaving to college, it's easy to make the excuse. Like FUCK man, I said I wouldn't go after a girl because she's vegan. The explanation? Well, I'd assume that if I were to date them they'd be hanging out with me often and I'd feel obligated to eat vegan when they're around, especially if I'm probably going to cook for them at one point. While it's true, it's definitely not a good reason. I could still eat normally when they aren't around and it's not like they're going to be moving in or something. It's weird for me, feeling scared of something. For the past four years I haven't felt genuine fear in a long time, and when I do it's not the fear of being alone, it's the fear of what I might do when I'm not alone. Especially since the beach incident, especially because of the vibes I've been getting, the images that've been smacking me, the flush of deja vu. I'd say Summer is my favorite season of the year, but it's got so much shit that happens to me around this time, between it being the time that my luck normally goes to shit and it being that time that forgotten dreams become reality, it's the worst time. It'd be nice to have someone though, but in the end will it even matter. I don't see where I'm going to be in a year, I don't even see where I'm going to be in a month. I need to register for community college, still waiting on my diploma in the mail, but I don't even know what classes I even want to take. There's obligatory classes of course, but even those I don't know. Like seriously, fuck math. I'm going to say it again, FUCK MATH. I gotta take a math class I couldn't give two shits about, I'm pretty sure. Science? That's easy, chemistry. But do I even still care about a career as a chemist? Then it's writing classes, philosophy classes, psychology classes, and art classes. Probably go for a class or two in music theory also, but again in the end is that what I really care to do? In two years I'm still going to be undecided, and in two years I'm still going to be going seemingly somewhere, but in reality nowhere. Chances are, I'm going to end up with some deskjob that sucks my soul out also, or some science career doing something that I'm actually against but need to make ends meet. I'm not going to get that life of adventure I've thirsted for for so long, that's what it feels like, and chances are that's what it will be.

I never knew god, I've only known me
I never had a friend to trust completely
My ideals, my troubles, my past and my pain
Locked up in a safe with the key thrown away
No worries, they're my secrets to hold
Fuck the Patriot Act, these thoughts were never told
My badge is a knockoff, didn't throw the cops off
Today's a big day but I want to go home
Lay down in bed and think all alone
But no, not today, not tomorrow
Put my head before the chopping block, slam time was borrowed
Now the debt has been paid, this man has been made
He's mentally chained to the wall
Don't know where he is, no one to call
He now knows how Prometheus felt
Prosecuted for his thoughts on right on wrong
But different from the god, I lost control
I wasn't myself and the beast took his toll
Look at me in my primal state and see
I'm what every man would think a bad man to be

Fingerscrossed, toes curled, skin crawling
Can't see the future yet, so no backwards head
Faced forward, my mind's not at ease
I did the crime, did some time, now to pay a fee
Not yet, but I want to be a Mandela
Bringing out change like a cash register
But I can't, if I have a record
Not tryna follow suit, but write the wrong letter
What am I a monkey? These clothes are too tight
Getting choked by the system and the tie
Over under, knotted and neat
Fuck that shit it's not for me
Fuck that system that I've been forced to be
Integrate the world but force equality
Force ignorance, but no bliss
I've been to the temple but didn't think this
Been in the system since day one
But I wasn't under eyes til year one
I want to leave this world with my shit done
But the corruption made clear can't be undone

Neverland

Never had no act, never had the crack
Never dropped the shit like I dropped a track
Never played the game that I knew was best
Never had a girl cause I'm scared of sex

Never never never never never never never
That's all I really say, just never never never
Well Neverland's here so come fly with me
I got a case of beer and half a G
I got a full tank of gas but no license
Never had the time to cop it, but I'm driving
Steering wheel, steer me in the right direction
Cause my hands off the wheel as I'm flexing

Never had no act, never had the crack
Never dropped the shit like I dropped a track
Never played the game that I knew was best
Never had a girl cause I'm scared of sex

What you gonna do when the cops come calling
Can't run forever when they know you balling
Captain Hook yo he ain't my problem
Just looking for Wendy and my calling
Not looking for bitches, they'll have me bawling
I'm looking for strange, yea that's my problem
I'm a wanderer now, and I heard she's here
Get off my ass to go cop a pair

Never had no act, never had the crack
Never dropped the shit like I dropped a track
Never played the game that I knew was best
Never had a girl cause I'm scared of sex

Never never never never never never never
Never had no time, never had no pleasure
Never was the shit, never had the bitch
Never copped a key like it was a ritz
Never got away from some waspy shit
Never been abandoned cause I'm all there is
Never owned the building or dropped the town
Never had a party with a birthday clown
Never was I clean or copped the leather
Never Never Never just Never Never Never
Never will I be the only one
That puts himself out there just for fun
Never copped a rollie, what the fuck's a bezel
Never lived that life but I got the medal

?

It's times like this that I start to question my faith in the universe. I've been good, rolled with all the blows I've been given, done what I can to spread positive vibes, and whatever I've gotten I've deserved. To me, we're all instruments of destiny and fate, and whether there's a god or not they too are only instruments, forces of nature and servants. Following graduation day things were still amazing. Graduation day was an amazing day, I felt like I was on molly and I ain't even touch that shit for a minute. Didn't get the bitch fight I expected with a counselor that was being a little pushy, talked up a girl on Tinder that was honestly a pot of gold to me, I'm talking a girl that I can say anything fucked up to and isn't a sheep. Other things on that list are I directed someone to where she could find a job, the same place I found a job, it made her day. I got props on my hair because having long hair puts you in a private club of dudes with long hair. Just a beautiful day. The next day I hear back from the staffing group I'm filed with and turns out I got a job that I make 120 at a day before taxes. Then, that's when it went downhill. Towards the end of talking to the girl I started acting more retarded as a result that I was also going on fumes, I hit the 24 mark about 2 before I stopped talking to her. The following days from Monday I tried to relight the conversation with her, and also apologize to her for my behavior. Of course, because I'm me and I actually really liked this girl off the bat, I overcorrected myself into shit. I'm hoping it's something stupid like her parents made her cut me off, but I doubt it. And then the job? Oh the job. I went into work, did a full shift, didn't take anymore breaks than what was offered, and felt fine on a muscular and skeletal level the next day. But, I also got sick the next day, pretty sure I got poisoning from the ink they used there because the whole next day I'm tasting and smelling it constantly. So of course I call in sick, which made me lose the job too. It's understandable, both situations are understandable. I did it to myself with the girl, and I could've toughed it out with the job too, but I didn't so again I did it to myself. While there'll always be other girls, and other jobs, you don't find a pot of gold everyday, every week, every month, every year, or probably even every decade. Maybe I'm just not ready for a girl, I still got damage from the stupid shit that's happened to me in the past four. I come off as a fucking psycho, part of why I have to act like a predator and look for women on Tinder, the worst place to find intelligent life if you ask me. I can't really pick a girl up in public, because I can tell you if I get her number I'll probably pester her til I'm blocked. As for the job? While it was easy work it was also long hours, hours I could've handled but seeing as I got poisoning ( again I think ) there I'd have been working myself into the hospital for when all of a sudden I collapse at work one day. The ONE TIME I could've helped my neighbor, who does so much for me, I can't though, that's what makes me mad. That was part of why I was so happy to get a job, because I could finally help him. But my path diverges like I'm Robert Frost, and I always take the one less traveled, not so much by choice. My true talent, the reason I know I'm lucky as fuck, the reason I know I'm blessed, is I always come in clutch, and I can create change like a bee makes honey. But, a bullet can hit it's target but still only make a dent.

I Know

I've known G's and I've known babies

I've known bitches I've known ladies

I've known kids and known adults

I've known men and I've known dolts

This year I graduate not a story to be told

It's the end of an era and everyone be bold

I've known love and I've known hate

I've known brothers and I've known bait

I know blood is thicker than water

But that saying's been known to be shorter

I know where I'm headed is greatness

My throne at the top has been fated

We really out here, well where else we be

I know this life is mine, not for anyone but me

I know what it's like not to be free

A new lease on life, no, I'm seeing through deceit

I know what it's like to be worthless

But I learned what it's like to be worth it

I wouldn't be here without my family

But that blood's a different blood than what you would think

Dear Future

Dropped a dime I dropped an ounce
Dropped a pound I dropped the town
Epidemic, I'm on that Galaxy yeah
I ain't going back cause I've been to hell
I ain't going back cause that shit is real
When you getting whipped and you getting sick
Rolling blackouts, now ain't that shit
Or is it
I gotta lay some prose for those
That still making stacks under the government's nose
It ain't that glamorous but who knows
You might make it big before ya pants hit the floor
Take it from me, I'm an adult
Living that life doesn't last when you're old
When you grow up you going to see
That those 10 years, fuck no, they weren't free

It takes a week to form a habit A lifetime to break it
My mom's is at the door but she ain't about to break in
A week to form a habit and you getting close to breaking
My mom's is at the door ain't about the life I'm making

I been in the hood, been in the street
Bent over walls, been up the creek
Did my time and searched to the feet
It's sad to say, I admitted defeat
Fuck the system that I lived in
And fuck the system that we living
Making a change is no difference
Get out of Dodge if you living
Fighting for peace, contradiction
Living to die is my mission
Working two jobs, an addiction
Always was highest off prescription
Never made cash that wasn't spent
Remember the past, hellbent
Had my bad bitches, content
But now I just pitch a tent

It takes a week to form a habit A lifetime to break it
My mom's is at the door but she ain't about to break in
A week to form a habit and you getting close to breaking
My mom's is at the door ain't about the life I'm making

I'm here to leave my past in my past to be present for my future
I never had a chance that I didn't pass for couture
I used to take bars, pop caps, never bust back
Never hit a lick but you know me when the car pass
Got fed up with the life I was living
Getting clocked in the head for a bill was a feeling
Never wanted straps but I got one for my safety
Didn't need the clip but I got one for my babies
Not a baby daddy more like a baby nanny
I'm saving for the future so no cash is spent on fanny
It's all about the family, not about the life
I'm shouting fuck the game while I'm carrying a knife
I'm shouting fuck you man while he beating on my brother
Never give a damn what you doing so don't bother
I reconciled time I shoulda spent with my mother
Invested in the future, that ain't my money it's for others

For Big Brother Leo

18 Years A Few Months and Some Change

18 years a few months and some change
That's all the time that I got to my name
And I just gotta say fore I pass out
I really can't stand where I'm at
18 years a few months and some change
That's all the time that I got to my name
And I just gotta say fore I pass out
I really can't stand where I'm at

18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain
18 years a few months and some change
I really can't believe that I lost my way

Momma never knows what I'm doing
I can't agree that she should
The direction that I'm headed is a sad one
And I can't really say what's good
I got 18 years few months and some change
I haven't made life worth living in those days
My room is a tomb, I won't leave a note
One day I'm gone, no story to be told

That's 18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain
18 years a few months and some change
I really can't believe that I lost my way

Give me a year I'll be back on track
Or will I just be dead
College, a job, a life with a girl
Or one in the chamber to the head
I don't know where I'm going
I really can't stand where I'm at
In 18 years few months and some change
The only thing I've been is a brat

18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain
18 years a few months and some change
My dear My dear just take away the pain

18 years a few months and some change
That's all the time that I got to my name
And I just gotta say fore I pass out
I really can't stand where I'm at

To Regrets by Contrary

I choose to bear witness to the faults of my past
Forming the future's a fucked up test
Relay sympathies to anyone else
Debate relationships and hear what I tell
Take a stroll through hell with me
What else is there to do, what else is there for free
What else what else what else what else fuck it man
I'd rather sit here with my dick in my hand
I was supposed to go to college but I took a different path
I can't believe it but I'm following in his footsteps
No not really, but it appears so
When I'm not some fucking scholar but a bump in the road
I walk this path alone, not by choice and not by pleasure
I gave up my direction to see the world from my tether
The price I paid, this life I made
It's not worth the trouble and the toll it takes
The actions make the man, so I've met my maker
But Imma be something whether it's now or later
I need to explore, discover, have Gatling epiphanies
Advance in my age smoothly, no worries about me
But I can't, held in the past and the future
Can't appreciate the present I've been given
Too young for my time and too old for my age
Too many unnecessary clouds in the sky tonight
But Imma fight, that's the one thing I learned
Struggling's the will to live, and I bear the burns
Like Icarus I flew too high
But I'm flame retardant I can't lie
I'll recover, relapse, mistrial and die
I'm ready for the future but what does that imply

Dignity Isn't Always Everything

So lately I've been having conversations with a good friend about relationships, mostly about his situation with his special friend and my lack of anything with a certain someone. To me, one of the biggest things is balance in a relationship. Whether it's a romantic or we're friends there always has to be a balance. The give and take has to be fair, and no one person is the one in charge or in control. Taking turns initiating, conversations being about both people and not just one, that type of crap. That type of crap is also one of the things that I see as an obstacle right now because I still seek balance, but am starting to have trouble resisting the temptation of upsetting that balance. As I've said before, I had myself get blocked for my own good and so as to leave her/him/it alone. Prior to that I'd been the one initiating every conversation, and following being blocked for awhile I thought about hitting schlim up on another account, but that thought eventually faded. Of course, it returned later but it wasn't me that put the thought in my head. My other friend? Well he's getting somewhere, or atleast further than I, and he told me I should hit Blue up, talk about whatever news there might be in our personal lives, a blah blah blah. That kickstarted it, and the sad thing is I can hit her/him/it up. It's too easy, but I shouldn't. I need to leave it to schlim to hit me up so that at least I know I'm wanted in some way, or at least giving her the space she deserves. I asked her to block me, what type of person would that make me if I was the one that broke the silence. That's where the title comes in, does dignity really matter in this situation? I'd think it doesn't, it's a private situation between two people and however I embarrass myself shouldn't come into consideration. I don't feel like she'd share whatever is exchanged, verbally and implied, with other people, and even then what dignity do I have left to lose with her?him?it? But, the next question is it worth it. I know I'll be soaked in mental anguish following the conversation, I know I'll be euphoric during, I know it won't take me anywhere. I don't feel safe talking to it, when it's the only other person I've been able to bare myself to, but then again are they still that person? I did the usual, I flipped a coin on it, and this time I listened to the coin. Two tails right away. This flipping a coin thing though needs to stop, I gotta go with my heart on these types of decisions, even if my mind knows what might happen.

In The Time Of Chimpanzees I Was A Monkey

Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me.
For a song that was written full of nonsensical imagery, Loser is a timeless song. I remember listening to it back in fourth grade, and it still bangs. Even more though, it speaks lengths to me, despite it being nonsense. Beck even said that if he knew the song would blow up as it did he would've put in more work with the lyrics. But, fuck it you know, I'm a loser and proud. This next year should be different though, I hope it'll be different, because my lack of resolve and motivation is starting to be disturbing. I'm not demoralized, but I've slid back to the apathetic personality that's always defined me. Who the hell has to practice smiling on que, who the hell feels content but at the same time I'm not satisfied.This is going to be my summer of discontent because I get to watch people move on with their lives, while I'm stuck behind. Now, that's a smack to the face to many of my friends that are going to Nova, so I don't have to watch them leave, but at the same time they aren't my closest friends. Ok my ONE closest friend is leaving, something I would be doing too if I didn't make the one mistake that I've actually grown to regret. The dream's alive still, the dream of leaving this ratty ass town, the dream of being a great, but it's slowly dying as I sometimes feel I am. In a few years my friend that plays Dota with me will be considered an old man in Dota relativity. Now, there's pro players well over 25, but 25 is old in Dota years, as I think 35 is old in football years. You don't dull in old age, but you want to represent the brand well, and that's with young faces, not neckbeards and beer guts. Dota's changed so much since I started playing 4 years ago, as has my skill. While my playstyle is adaptable to what is now Dota, it's not best suited for it and needs to change along with it. Originally it was all about objectives in the game, Roshan, Towers, Barracks, and Throne. A game could be fast as hell if you had a good push team. Snowballs were common if you had all the T1s by 10 minutes and all the T2s by 20. And while people did that you'd have that one carry that farmed for those 30 minutes in the small chance that a push strat didn't pay off. But the question is, is that entertaining to watch? Hell no! No one wants to watch people farm for 30 minutes and at the end of the game the score is 9-15. They want to see a game that ends with the score in the 50s and up on both sides. So slowly, as all dota changes occur, they patched in transitions to focusing on fighting. All new items added emphasis on fighting, rather than pushing, and comeback mechanics have been added in to allow for a more entertaining game. As for other fronts? Don't have a booth to drop songs in, or any money to pay for beats from a dude that implied he'd give em to me for free. Getting a job? Possibly, also why I need to practice smiling, but it's a deadend job that is going to make me more pissed and annoyed. Apparel production? No money to kickstart it and even then, it's a gamble just buying the samples, with a high chance of being a wasted 100 bucks. Writing, well I've had writers block for a few months now, mostly because my memory is starting to get patchy so writing my book is a drag, especially since it's supposed to be my David Copperfield, but it's primary premise was supposed to be the influence of religion on someone. Which the beginning is, and the story as a whole is me attributing my rough upbringing to my dad being zealous and how it affected my relationship with him, and consequentially my outlooks and social abilities. But I digress, to me the future is bleak but still holds the potential that I've always seen, just many many setbacks.

Dissociated

Blowing through a pound fore I ever hit 18 years old
Drank so much delsym that my body doesn't know
Dissociated from the past or the present
My mind's racing but my body's just dead
Take a little pill lay my head and go to sleep
But the blood's coming out in my shit, everyday, every week
Blow a smoke ring, cause that's the only ring I'd hold
Take my time to write, but what story have I told
I'm a king yea, where's my queen and all my gold
I'm busy missing out as I get a head on this road

Look where I've been, check out this flip
Check out this hair, Check out this tip
I'm just a head, no body be
I'm just a mind, don't bother me
Look where I've been, check out this flip
Check out this hair, Check out this tip
I'm just a head, no body be
I'm just a mind, don't caution me

I'm just a kid tryna make it day by day

Lost my dad early, can't stop to pray

Don't know where I'm going with this shit

Can't ever seem to forget

I built this life around my way but people care to stand away

I have my friends and family too, but not many know the truth

I lost my body where'd it go, I lost my heart it's with my soul

I lost the thoughts that I hold dear, I lost the truth everywhere

Who is it there, that's staring back

I try to wave, he copies that

Is it goodbye or a hello

Where is my mind to tell me so

Look where I've been, check out this flip
Check out this hair, Check out this tip
I'm just a head, no body be
I'm just a mind, don't bother me
Look where I've been, check out this flip
Check out this hair, Check out this tip
I'm just a head, no body be
I'm just a mind, don't caution me

I'm sitting here outside my body
Tryna write a rap like lodi dodi
I did a flip off the board and I landed on the crete
Got my head up my ass as the grounds touch my feet
I'm tryna surpass, I aim to be the best
A Goatboy rapping as he tries to pass his tests
I'm sposed' to be special, for now I'm chilling at home
Dreaming of the day I'd be the next Hov
To be the next Yeezy, preaching through my songs
Or be the next Rocky, this dream takes too long
I gotta persevere but we really out here
I'm ahead of my time so I can't show fear
But how long will the dream last?
When I'm 35 and my EP's on blast
Gotta get in the booth, gotta write a new lick
Gotta get a head on this road fore' I get carsick

I Fucked Up

Well, the past week or two have been a drag for me. I really am Wasted Potential. Not to be full of myself, but I was one of the kids in my grade that showed a shit ton of potential. I started off my high school career well, getting great grades in classes people were having trouble in and enjoying life. I took it easy, oh yea did I take it easy, probably knocked .2 off of my GPA because I took it easy. I can't attribute that to being depressed over someone, or the home life, it was me being me. Me being a lazy piece of shit. The following year the same thing, except I knocked another .2 off my GPA because I skimmed by in two classes because I wouldn't have to take the final if I passed the SOLs. Legit I settled for I think a C in my biology class, and I know I settled for a D in my AP Human class. I also got a 3 on the exam, nothing special, or maybe it was a 4 I don't remember or care. Junior year is when it really went to the shit. I got on probation, my dad's dead and he worked as a buffer, otherwise known as my house was a hell. I had a job for about 1/3 of the school year though, but that stuff wasn't holding me back, it was me. Me deciding that I'm going to become the next artist, or the next rapper, or the next rapper. Things I still would love to do, and think I can, but becoming more in touch with reality also reminds me of how far away that is. However, junior year I lowballed the classes I shouldn't have. Again, one of the greater minds in those classes but I scraped by with some of the worst grades this time. Thanks to the GPA boost for them being AP though, I didn't suffer so much of a hit and ended my school year with a 3.7. Then there's this year, because of my shenanigans I only took the classes I needed to finish with an advanced diploma. I didn't even try in those, I finished with two A's and B, or maybe two B's and an A, I don't even remember. That is what really fucked me over. When I applied for college, it was regular decision, not early decision. The mid year report they received? Because online classes are horrible at grade reporting, they received a report that said I was failing the three classes I was taking. My test scores though, those were great. I got a 750 on the Math II, better than my friend who got a 660, and a 780 on the Chem one. My ACT scores could've used work but they don't even matter because the two colleges that might've accepted me with them and my shitty portfolio never received them in time. I got a 30 composite, my writing could've used work but I've never been good at writing tests, I got a 17. I'm disappointed in myself because I fucking threw my life away, and I fucked up big time. All the people around me telling me that no matter what I do I'm going to be successful, that I'm not going to be in the shit, but who the fuck knows. Right now, I feel like Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle. Most of all though, one of my biggest fears has come to life, following in the footsteps of my brother. I don't want to go to Nova, of course I'm going to have to because if I don't my mom will probably kick me out of the house. I also don't want to live with my mom for another year. I wanted to go somewhere new, meet new people, rediscover myself because I really don't like where I've been for the past four years. But now I have to wait another year on that life goal. Another year in hell, but is it worth it is the question.

Wowsers I Just Made a Mess in My Trousers, Then Regretted It

So I met this girl on Tinder. Lives 13 miles away from me, seemed like she had a sense of humor, and I swear on a scale of 1 - 10 she was a 12. The curves, the looks, the bust, the back, oh so juicy and enamoring. So, I did my usual thing, check her out. Well, not really my usual thing, more like I'm interested and I didn't learn much about them from their profile. Also, to be fair she didn't make it hard to find her online. She has her IG on her profile, and from the IG you can find her full name, which isn't even close to a common first or last name, and a link to her blog on The Odyssey. So, being the person I am I decide to check out her blog, which can be found at the link at the bottom of the page. First article I read drew me in with the title, Signs It's Time To Let Someone go, being something I can relate to. Despite the minor typos, it was a decent piece of writing. However, it also used a, well to be honest I thought it was shitty, metaphor, at least I thought it was a metaphor, that is the type of stuff you write when you think you're being incredibly deep. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that the literary device, and a lot of her blog, is satirical, but the way it was written suggests otherwise. Furthermore, if you're going to use a literary device to make fun of people that think they're deep, at least make it more moronic so people know it's a joke. Anyways, this was the first sign that I was wrong. Further reading led me to realize, THIS GIRL IS A BIBLE TOTER. Not you're average bible toter either, I'm talking she grew up on the choir, goes to confession every week and will even mention that time she thought of some dudes dick, or wanted to hit someone, or said fuck.

Now before I go on, I'm just going to state my stance and my qualifications.

I AM A HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR. I HAVE NO FUCKING QUALIFICATIONS. I WILL PROBABLY STATE STANCES WITHOUT CITING ANY RESOURCE THAT I COULD'VE EASILY LOOKED AT FOR 5 SECONDS ON GOOGLE. SOME OF THE INFORMATION I STATE WILL BE FROM MEMORY AND WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED SOME ARTICLE. I AM NO BARD, I DO THINK THAT I CAN WRITE DECENT ENOUGH BUT MY OPINION ISN'T A PROFESSIONAL OPINION, IT IS AN OPINION. I LEAN TOWARDS LIBERALISM, BUT ALSO I BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING BALANCES OUT IN THE END, SO THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A WRONG DECISION. I AM A HIPPY. I REVERE ANCIENT CULTURES. AND MOST OF ALL, I KNOW SOME SHIT ABOUT RELIGION TOO, I HAD TO LEARN IT FOR 7 YEARS AND THE LAST 4 OF THEM I ACTUALLY LEARNED ABOUT IT.

Ok, and now the total shitting on but not meant to be mean or aggressive just in the mood to sport criticism begins, and if anyone has any negative, or even positive, criticism for me I would love to hear it, because the negative is more important so you know what to work on. First off, her poetry. Maybe it's that I prefer a different style, but I found it to be dull. Judging from the three poems I skimmed on her blog thingie, she prefers simplistic rhyme schemes with variation in rhythm. Her first poem for example, She Deserves. The pattern was easy to discern, because it was an aabbcc...zz. The rhythm? It started off with each line ranging from 7-10 syllables on average, but then started alternating between short and long lines, relative to each other. As for the content? Let me put it this way, it seemed dripping with pretentious notions, and struck me as fanciful. Maybe that's because I'm a bitter old man in the body of an 18 year old, but I found it pretentious due to it striking me as the type of shit I heard girls say all of my 11th grade year in AP Lang. I can't describe it well, but some of it is the cheap rhymes she used, some is the diction, and most of all when I read it to myself that's the first thought that came to my mind. As for Fanciful, to save time I'm going to define fanciful, over imaginative and unrealistic. In She Deserves it talks about what this girl thinks a girl deserves in a relationship. While personally I agree with it, I find it unrealistic because it's something impossible. It expresses a sea of entitlement, the same type of entitlement that's made me grow to dislike my brother's girlfriend. To always be treated like you're the reason to live, always be put first, to be uplifted on a daily basis, and always have the person's time. That, that doesn't sound fair. If I was in a relationship like that, hopefully never will be, and I was the one receiving that treatment, I'd end it. It's not their fault that they're like that, but me staying also isn't fair to them. It's a perfect situation scenario she describes, and one that being a cynical asswipe that prefers being realistic if he can I can't even finish reading in one go. If I had a girl, I'd try to make her my queen, but she's not always going to come first. I have prior commitments. I'm always going to be more committed to my brother, to my family, to the people that I met, bonded with, and been loyal to long before I met her, of course implying they're loyal to me as well. Unlike my brother, who I respect for willingly being another person's bitch and staying because he's too nice, but also have lost a little respect for because he's unwilling to be alone, physically or emotionally, I am willing to say no to someone I've fallen in love with. I'm willing to take a stand for myself when I think I should, where he's the type to step out of the way and say go ahead and be that way as he thinks to himself he wishes they'd change. And that's also what the writing struck me to be saying, that a girl should always be treated well even if she asks to get smacked across the face, or bitched out. In my world, like deserves like. I'll try to be there for someone in their shittiest time ever, but if they aren't going to act mature about it then I'm not going to keep taking it. If someone thinks that them being in a bad mood is an excuse to treat you like shit, well fuck then I guess I'm in a bad mood too cause getting pissed is treating them like shit. Ok well, I'm spending too much time on one topic, and would definitely reviewed the other two poems but I want to finish my 2 or 3 other rants and get this posted.

Lets review an article she wrote, You Deserved Hell. This is going to be short, it's only a few paragraphs and not much to critique. I'll jump straight to her second paragraph. In this she states
"When we are little, we are taught the difference between right and wrong. No matter their denomination or religion, our parents and role models instill in us our moral values." I greatly disagree. You know what values my dad conveyed to me? That hispanics and blacks are lesser beings, that religions that don't follow "the one true god" are lesser faiths, that someone that doesn't believe in god shouldn't have morals because you can't have morals without god. You know what else he did? He taught me how to be a piece of shit to someone, he made fun of me on a daily basis and made some of the most fucked up statements. Did I follow in his footsteps, did he instill anything in me? Hell, No. By the time I started becoming self aware I was disgusted with him, some of which is he changed when he was in the hospital. I don't take after my dad or my mom. My mom is one of the most selfish beings I know, and my dad? Well my dad thought it was ok to use scare tactics, skewed information, and unfair advantages to convince people to agree with him. Does that really sound moral? No, I learned how to treat someone like a human being taking after the golden rule, treat someone how you'd want to be treated. And I also had to learn like a sociopath, based off of reactions from others. Now as for us deserving to be in hell. Let's for this scenario I believe in the concept of heaven and hell. Well before that I'll state that I see the world divided into planes, not realms, different planes overlap and heaven and hell aren't separate planes, they're the afterlife, the next life, etc etc some references to hinduism and reincarnation. Back to the scenario though, if heaven and hell did exist, there's no proof in their existence, but there is judgement in actions. Personally, I believe that there is always either a benevolent or malevolent intent behind an action, but in the end doesn't the person that performs the action benefit from as much as they suffer for it? It's all about what matters more, yes, but I'm going to quote Newton, "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction." While that is about physics, saying you hit the ground with 25 pounds of force then you also receive 25 pounds of force, it is also the best way to describe this concept. Nothing ever comes for free. You steal something right? Unless you're some crazy ass sociopath, you're minds going to keep telling you what you did was fine, even though you know it was wrong. You're going to be stuck with guilt, even if it's something as small as gum. Let me take it to a larger scale, you kill someone. Has anyone ever wondered why soldiers become psychos, or alcoholics, or both? It's guilt, that's all that it comes down to. If you don't receive punishment from someone else, you're going to end up punishing yourself. There is a balance that must be maintained, and every price is fair as well as every reward. No, I don't think we deserve hell, because we give ourselves hell or receive hell already, Life Is Hell.

Ok Ok, that was a lot longer than I thought it would be, and the next one may be too. Abortion. Her article, Planned Parenthood: Women's Rights or Infanticide, speaks enough for itself with its title. It obviously shows that she sees abortion as infanticide. I personally haven't been able to ask her this yet, but I really wonder if she's interviewed or discussed with anyone that's had an abortion, how they felt about it, if they regret it, etc etc. I'm sure people do regret it, I know my brother did, I know I did and it wasn't even my own child it was my brother's. But also, I knew I didn't have any say in it. Her major discussion points are that abortions are funded by people that want to strip fetuses for cells to use, that being pro-life is in fact being pro-life and not pro-birth, and children are never mistakes. While I agree with the final one, the first two I don't. I'm a very cheap person, if I can save a buck I'll try to save a buck, even though lately I haven't been conscious of my spending because I have more money than usual. That extends to waste. Abortion clinics mean jobs, mean careers, mean a service that if performed by someone that isn't a professional there's a considerably higher amount of risk in it. I doubt any woman would want to shove a coathanger up their coochie and hope she's not giving birth at most 9 months later. With funding being taken away from abortion clinics, they need to be able to sustain themselves. Also, and this I'm not sure of, I'm sure that they need you to sign a release of genetic material to give them permission to sell the fetus, or even give it away to research. Stem Cell research is a thing, and it's led to amazing advances. There's people growing hearts in labs that can be used in transplants, there's people that are having their lives saved by babies that weren't born. I'd imagine that you can generate multiple hearts from one fetus, multiple livers, multiples of any organs. There's even stuff about skin grafts, which is more life saving. Too much skin damage can cause you unable to be in the sun, to go swimming, to do a lot of stuff. Heart troubles? Well without lab grown hearts or a transplant, I'm pretty sure you can have artificial ones installed. Regardless, there's nothing worse than dying because you spent so much time waiting on someone to be generous, or die. My dad spent years before my uncle was put on leave and able to give him a kidney. He spent years going to dialysis everyday, having complications every month, having to be more used to sleeping in a hospital bed than his own, having to wait on other people to visit you because you can't even get out of the bed to take a piss.  Stem cells save lives, and they help people live them as well. There's something called necessary cost, if there was a famine you would have to let some people die so others can live. If you're at war, you can't expect to send platoons of men out and every single one of them returns. If someone's going to die, don't let that death be for nothing. Now let's move onto the pro-life stance. I do think that it is more a pro-birth movement. Before I go on I will state that personally I would never want to have my child aborted if I was lucky enough to have the opportunity for one, I would probably vomit if it happened, but I'm also not going to make whoever unlucky girl got knocked up go through with it just because I don't like the idea of taking away opportunity from someone else. Has this girl ever gotten pregnant, not saying I have, and I find it unlikely based off of her being a bible toter. Besides the fact that some clinics require women to receive counseling pre and post abortion, it's a trial to be pregnant. Girls get disgusted with themselves, they go even crazier than they already are because of the hormone imbalances. And what if it's a junkie that can't get clean, that's kid is going to be addicted to smack. Or they can't support it, or can't take care of it. The girl says that a child is robbed of food, education, and housing by not being given the chance to get it. Think about it for a sec. Some 15 year old gets knocked up by her boyfriend, the boyfriend is a deadbeat and the girl gets kicked out by her rents. She can't get an abortion either, so she's forced to take care of it. Some would say that girl could always give it up for adoption, but what if it's not adopted. That girl is stuck homeless, or practically homeless, with a baby in her. She gives birth to the baby and she's stuck with a bill if she goes to the hospital, so she might give birth in a fucking alley. Now I realize this is a really extreme situation, but if every pregnancy came about with a good situation, then abortion would be unreasonable and honestly cruel. And this scenario is realistic, and can happen. This girl raises the kid, somehow she finds a job as a minor to support the baby and herself with, and some nice family member or friend, possibly an aunt that went through the same ordeal that she did, takes her in. This girl can be robbed of her education, of her life, of her potential. There's always a consequence for your actions, but to me an abortion entails so much guilt, especially on a young girl, that it might be worse for some than going through with the pregnancy. An abortion you have to live with for the rest of your life, a pregnancy you can recover from when your last kid turns 18 and some people end up making their life alongside that kid. Back to the scenario though, this girl spend her late teens raising a kid and working hours at a shit wage so that kid can have the life she couldn't. But, because she has to support two people, and probably ends up having to pay some type of rent or dues to whoever she's staying with, she spends more time working than watching her kid. There's a reason gangs target children for membership. Abortions are a service for low income people, as well as Anti Premarital Children families. If you're from a family with a decent amount of income, there's also a better chance that you're going to receive support, there's going to be more caretakers available, more money to spare, and probably more family to take you in. If a kid grows up poor, and unsupervised, when he sees this guy that's always wearing the newest kicks, has a rolex and they ain't even 21 yet, seems like they enjoy life and always have money for new and nice things, he's going to want to do whatever the fuck that guy does. I have one friend that grew up in New York, he didn't even finish high school because he was making the money that his teachers made in a month, in one week. He ended up supporting his mom. Now, couldn't you say he was robbed by circumstance? I can, and would. And that's what it's boiled down to, circumstance. A well to do family, even if they're the most religious family in three states, I would imagine would take care of the kid, make sure he or she receives that support as well as the mother, and grow to accept their daughter is a harlot. A family that has both parents working at minimum wage, being held over by welfare, they might not be as welcoming to another mouth to feed, or be able to support another mouth to feed, or not be able to take care of another mouth to feed. Circumstance.

Okay, this is probably one of the longest posts I've ever made and it's about to get longer because I have two more paragraphs of negative criticism with some possible positive criticism. It's a good thing this one will be short though, I think. Slut Empowerment, yep yep yep. It's a real thing, and no I don't really agree with it, but I don't disagree with it. She disagrees with the idea of it, the idea that "outright promiscuity does not evoke power." Well I think it does, take my brother for example. If a girl puts out there's a higher chance that she'll be pursued because niggas be thirsty these days. They don't have to be attractive, they don't have to be interesting, they just have to be willing to do shit beneath the sheets. A definition of power, as used in this sense, is the ability to influence other's choices. That is exactly what happens with promiscuity. I'll admit it, if I see a girl that walks around in spandex daily and will openly talk about their sex life I'm instantly more attracted to them, and I'm not even pursuant of shredding my v-card.  And then she talks on rape's relation to how a person dresses, well it's contradictory. She initially states that a girl that walks alone in risque clothing is at just as much risk as a girl that walks alone in modest clothing. But then follows up with that a girl wearing jack shit gets more attention, well doesn't that put her more at risk? Even then, I remember hearing or reading or something that rapes occur more often at home or with someone you're familiar with. I doubt it's that easy to rape a girl in a back alley, in public, even at night. And if I'm going to rape someone, yes another fucked up scenario, I'm definitely not going to do it in public, I'm going to slip something in their drink. If for some dumbass reason I did do it in public, why would I even look once at a girl that's wearing a trenchcoat, or a pair of cargoes with a sweater on, there's nothing to attract you to them, I'm going to go for the chick wearing spandex and a spaghetti strap that shows off her tits as well as her navel. That's all I'm going to say on the subject though because I still have ONE MORE PARAGRAPH.

Halloween, a very sensitive subject with religious people. Her article, 5 Ways A Christian Should Celebrate Halloween, struck me as bigoted and close minded. Honoring her Grandmother for shouting at kids to "begone" in french while holding a bible in the window as an opener, just why. I have my own reasons to dislike Halloween, but hers again I find to be a little absurd. She states that Halloween is derived from All Saints Day for Catholics, and from paganism in other cultures, and she's kinda right. She's right with the latter, and partially with the former. Halloween was originally referred to as All Hallows Eve, because Saints are Hallowed, and is also part of a three day festival, known as the Day of the Dead in South America. There's other Christian holidays that were originally derived from paganism and other cultures. Christmas isn't the actual day that Jesus was born, and it's roots are in Norse mythology. Santa used to have a demon assistant for punishing children that misbehaved. But people don't protest Christmas based on its roots now do they, cause I feel like technically welcoming a demon into your home to fuck with your kids is pretty blasphemous. And then her "5 Ways A Christian Should Celebrate Halloween", they're actually 5 reasons why a Christian shouldn't celebrate Halloween. Her first reason, some of the costumes, saying that even though they're viewed as imaginary, they also hold presence in satanic rituals and influence people in negative ways. Lets go over a few, Witches, Ghosts, Mermaids, and Zombies, that's actually most of them. Witches have roots in Wickens, women that were persecuted for their beliefs and practiced being one with nature. They also have roots in drug use, mostly unintentional. A common theory on the Salem Witch Trials was that they were the result of mold that grew on rye bread that produced LSD. You know why witches are associated with brooms? Because back then women got beat around a lot, and poisonous plants such as hemlock and nightshade are also powerful deliriants when taken and dosed properly. For those that don't know, there's three classes of hallucinogens. Psychedelics; shrooms, LSD, THC etc, they produce hallucinations based off of the mental state and the environment, Dissociatives; Ketamine, PCP, DXM etc, they produce hallucinations that you create and also out of body experiences, and Deliriants; Benedryl, hemlock, nighshade etc, they produce hallucinations that you will believe are real. The way a "witch" used her poisonous plants? She made them into a paste and put them on a broomstick, then shoved it up her vagina and then had sex with her husband. It would make her mad, and possibly made her husband think she was possessed as well and he'd be tripping nuts too. Witches don't have evil roots, and I feel like there's no satanic ritual to summon a witch, or her soul, or anything related to them. Ghosts, oh don't even get me started even though I have. Besides that ghosts can as easily be benevolent as malevolent, what association do they have with satanic rituals? Halloween is to honor the spirits, on the Day of the Dead people build shrines to their dead including their favorite foods and you can't even eat it later. Even more, the only interactions I've ever heard of going on with ghosts is Ouija boards and mediums. Not drawing a pentagram on the ground, and chanting something in latin until you feel a breeze. Then Mermaids, they have no association with Satan at all, but they do have roots as monsters. They also have lores about being benevolent. They have no place in the list regardless based off of her explanation. Finally, Zombies, fuck no. Zombies have roots in Voo Doo, where a shaman would blow poison in your face to knock you out and when you wake up convince you that they brought you back to life as a servant. Them being violent brain eaters and products of nefarious necromancy didn't show up until later years. If you apply the logic she used for who a holiday belongs to, as in which one is the actual celebration, to myths and legends, then you'd see that none of these creatures have any relationship with satanism. And then the next reason, which I don't really disagree with much if you go with her logic but I don't like her standing on Druids, that's expressed in reason three and five as well. She paints them as people that worshiped evil and use force to achieve a means. Druids are best known as religious leaders, and held high standing in society. There also isn't much information on druids due to them practicing oral tradition. They're like wickens in that they were at one with nature. Where in history are they shown to be people that summoned demons, and threatened people for donations in the same way a Mafioso would. Like I said earlier, I'm a hippy, and I take personal offense from her insulting druids in such an ignorant manner, because those are also my roots. I know that I have some druid in me, or at the least a Celt that followed a druid. And I want to honor those roots, not saying I'm going to start praying to nature and what not, adopt a life like that of a druid, but I'm saying I'm not going to enjoy reading such disrespect that has no foothold either. It's like when I was making jokes in 10th grade about black people being afraid of fire and not knowing how to swim. It's blathering ignorance. Why I don't like Halloween though? It's simple, it's fucking offensive. I couldn't give two shits about how it applies to religions, but culture is another thing. I feel like you can misappropriate a religion, but that's an extension of culture. It's honestly disgusting the way people misappropriate culture and don't realize how offensive it can be. From Native American costumes, to Samurai Armor, to even a pirate, a lot of costumes that people don are insensitive to the cultures they represent.

Well I guess that's it, if you actually read through all of this long ass post I would love to congratulate you personally because it's a lot of ranting and droning. I also lost my train of thought a lot so please excuse if I change direction a lot or don't finish an argument, or produced a weak one. I put in I think an hour and a half because I have nothing better to do, and I started this at like 1:30 A.M. All in all I'd like to have a conversation with this girl though. I just need to feel interested to be attracted to a girl, and her closeted opinions intrigue me. Despite the fact that I intend to send it to the girl, well I'll admit it, one of the biggest things that intrigue me is breaking a person. Or more appropriately, breaking their world. Not saying I want to be their guide and source of knowledge or information and opinions, but if someone's close minded I want to open that mind, if they're a snob I want to make them fall in love with me because I'm what a snob wouldn't even be okay sharing a room with. Most of all though, I enjoy the concept of corruption, even though I don't look at what I do as corruption, others do. I look at what I do as eye opening and on some levels liberating, a lot of people get restricted by social pressure and their perception of right or wrong and morality, and sometimes that perception can be really distorted, even though I'm in no right to determine that. Ignorance is my kryptonite and enlightenment is the only available cure. It'd be interesting to talk to the girl just to find the root of her opinions, so I can further develop my own. And yes, I realize I was bring judgemental about religious people.

http://theodysseyonline.com/author/aminibonane

Hello Again

So news news news, all charges have been dismissed, they've been for about 2 weeks and I gotta say I don't really feel as free as I should. Then again, This week has been spring break for me, which translates to spend most of your time cooped up indoors watching Netflix, which there's barely anything new that interests me, jacking off, and playing mindless videogames, alongside Dota. Any other news? Glad you didn't ask. Only other news that are of any importance is that I finally started up my store for my T-Shirt Designs, which also sucks because I have no buyers. Also, I need to fix 3 of the 6 designs I've made. I'm hoping, but also highly doubting, that when I finally get around to purchasing samples and take them to a few shops that I've yet to find (I only know of one) and hope they're willing to sell them. I did have a connection to the guy that runs ReallyEpicShit.com , should really check it out if you're into the festival scene or even like a lot of loose or tight clothing/apparel. But, as usual, the dude that said he'd talk to the guy for me cause they're tighter than a ziploc bag has not talked to him for me. Emazing Lights was another venture, but they weren't interested, which made me laugh a bit. From the people that had seen my designs, again making me wonder why I have no purchases, they loved two of them specifically. Like forrealz, my designs that were liked were amazing. Anything else? Again, glad you didn't ask. I scored REALLY high on my SAT subject tests, rocking a 750 in Math 2 and a 780 in Chemistry. Finding those scores was great, but I also found that my ACT scores were never sent in, and it'll take atleast a week for them to be. This is really, really, really, really....really bad because I'm supposed to hear back from UPenn by the first, and as for Yale, well I still need to have recommendations sent in that have been made and sent in, but never received. Well, I'll leave you all with the link to my store, you should definitely check out my stock, there's t-shirts, phone cases, and most of all DRINKING GLASSES CAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS THAT SHIT.

http://www.cafepress.com/blazebuy

Life Goals

Oh how time passes by. It must've been confusing for Khronos or whoever the fuck controls, interprets, divines time. Seconds become minutes, minutes become hours, hours become a fucking day, and that day eventually is a year, both coming and going. It was a month or so ago that I asked her to cut me off, four or so months since my hedonism was forced to a halt, and it'll be days that I might be cut off from the general population. How time passes by, it was only a month ago that I sent in my college applications, and it'll be another few weeks before I take the tests that help define my money being well spent. In about twelve hours I'll have my first college interview, them not even having my test scores makes me feel confident, but that I don't really care too much for the school life, that makes me apprehensive. It's been a week since I finished a song, it's been half a year since I recorded one, it's been a month since I talked to my main producer, but that's what I'd rather do. In about sixty hours I'll be sitting in court for not the first, but the fifth of many times to come, waiting for my life to be decided, but do I even deserve to live the life I want is what I question sometimes. What happened four or so months ago, that spurned a routine that I've dreaded ever since it was born, has haunted me ever since. Has scared me ever since. Has marked me with what may be lurking, waiting to seize control. In this time I've also been cut off from most prior friends my age, and been cut off from most social interaction with those my age. Not to say I miss it much, I always preferred discussions with older crowds, but I yearn to be a dumbass again, to fuck around and laugh about it when it's over. Sometimes I wonder if those that still bother to talk to me resent me, did I tag them with my mark, and those that left if they miss me, if they've ever looked back. I guess I shouldn't look back either, what's done is done, this man has been made, and will burn for his crimes. Whether that's carried out by a court or my peers, I've yet to find out, and may never know for the latter. But what do I have to show? The three months I spent receiving "treatment?" The clean urine that I supposedly should be proud of? I'm not the one to decide but I feel I've more than served my penitence, that horrid place was worse than JDC, and I had to ask to stand up there. Maybe because I didn't feel lied to, and felt safer there. The only enjoyable month of the three was the second, and even that is tarnished. Any friends I made there I've yet to continue talking to, despite a few attempts. One of them was shot, and is now dead, increasing the count of people I feel I personally knew, that are now dead, to two. The only new friends I've made and continue to talk to are online, that I've never met in person, and except for one I find them to be asswipes. This is the life I've been reduced to. Even more I've been left to dreams that are impossible to interpret well, some of which I've had before. I'm eighteen and I got heart examinations because my body feels broken. I had a dream which implied death, even though I thought it was mine it might've been my friend, or my life as I knew it. I had a dream that led to me talking to a girl that I find fake, pretentious, and imposing, and used to have a crush on. Of course that light was relit, despite my disgust with her persona, possibly because I always have felt a draw towards girls with low self-esteem, an aspect of my darker side. When I was in JDC I had dreams of my father, every night, and I'd wake up not knowing where I was, having to remember everyday that I fucked up, remember everyday that I can't sleep in my own bed anymore and I don't deserve to. Most of all though, I've had dreams as if I was on the same cocktail that put me in this position, people didn't speak but words came out of their mouths, I'd wakeup feeling as if I ate a handful of muscle relaxers, I'd wakeup remembering that this is the reality that I live in now. These next few weeks will decide what the next few years will be. Will I be in college, in jail, at home, or on the road, or in a new existence entirely. I won't know for awhile, and despite hopes, my expectations are dirt low. I haven't hit rockbottom, I'm still floating on the waves, but sometimes that sandbar makes me think it's closer than it is. Fear has been such a foreign concept to me for a long time, but I now know what fear is. Fear that my life won't be mine for much longer. If I do go away, I feel like I'll never come back, mentally or physically. That feeling deep inside, that the inner animal just wants to bark and howl, but gets muzzled. When that muzzle breaks, I'm done. I'll rot for life.

Schemin

Wake up in the morning feeling wasted as fuck
I roll back my hair as I pull in my gut
Not just hungover more like hung out to dry
And I cry, tears are nothing to this bitch
Don't look out for me best look out for yourself
Stop tryna intrude, better fuck off or else
I take on the pain fuck the pills man I'm out
Throw me in the washer as I tumble through town
Talking to a wall but

You Think You Know What's Best For Me Well Then You Best Go Fuck Yourself
Imma Do This Shit Differently Cause I'm Different From Everyone Else
You Think You Know What's Best For Me Well Then You Best Go Fuck Yourself
Imma Do This Shit Differently Differently Do It Differently

Really I'm stuck lounging, Scheming up a plan
Tryna plot a death that befits a good man
Imma steal it from him, plan the wake myself
Disappear for now like a book on the shelf
Boxing the mirror busy with my games
Playing blood knuckles cause I don't feel the pain
Picking out the glass as I'm picking up a pipe
Painting a picture of ever single night

Haven't lived long enough to be a real rapper
Risked some time in the slammer
Labeled with a problem but no answer yet
Receiving treatment when there's nothing wrong? Yes
I been holding onto problems past ninety nine
I'm under eightteen but I know the grind
I'm just here to do my time
Imma rhyme rhyme rhyme
Ascend new circles, and commit new crimes
As my spit comes out like slime
If you need one, here's your sign
That I'm different, but not dead
A little fucked up in the head
But fuck it, who isn't

You Think You Know What's Best For Me Well Then You Best Go Fuck Yourself
Imma Do This Shit Differently Cause I'm Different From Everyone Else
You Think You Know What's Best For Me Well Then You Best Go Fuck Yourself
Imma Do This Shit Differently Cause I'm Different From Everyone Else

Bitch I'm B LAZ E, not just lazy
Feeling kinda hazy as I blaze
Mind's like a maze with no map
This game's got no rulebook to rap
No tutorial, no scenario, no definite success
But Imma keep trying and do my best
Not in it for commercial success I'm in it for me
Try and hold me down, I got the keys, and I'm free

To Schemin by contrary

Lounging, straight relaxing
Dropped me a dime, sorry but no taxes
My world got knocked off its axis
But they're knocked on their asses
Highschoolers these days, what the fuck
Saying there's no remorse, what the fuck
I did the crime, did the time, why punish me more
Cause I ain't crying why show me the door
You think you got it all figured out
S'posed to be my friends but don't know what I'm about
Not a sociopath, psychopath, I'm on my own path
And I'm out

I was alone with you, fuck the pack
Where's the crew, what were you, get a smack
Violence ain't the answer but you didn't ask questions
Yal jumped to assume your assumptions
I ain't fucked up, dried up since that day
I stayed inside when I coulda been out partying
The blood of the covenant's thicker than the water of the womb
We supposed to be fam but I guess that isn't true

I was made an example, you got to go home
I slept in a cell, you couldn't pick up the phone
Throughout the ordeal I'm stuck worried about you
Guess my thoughts were wasted, and our standing's the proof
Go through what I did and try to be bright
Not an easy task, but it wasn't to spite
Not about to cry about mistakes of the past
They ain't happening again cause I'm back on my path

I guess our path's don't intersect
You're just another insect
Find you underfoot the next time we pass
Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, guess I crashed
I'm not giving you a chance if you want one
Wiped my hands clean of you having a problem
Not my fault how you feel today
I grew up already, it's your turn kiddy


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnFJe-Q4TRw