Humanity, You Sicken Me

So I was thinking about it after I'd said sometimes I wish I could read Blue's mind so I wouldn't have made the mistakes I have. But then I realized, what's the fun in life without mistakes? I never understood perfectionists. But then again I never really understood the actions of humanity. I can't exactly walk in their shoes as easily. Looking at things from the point of view of a decision of more than one person is hard. But it's sad because people that are "smart" get made fun of. At least at school you would. People get threatened by intelligence because they feel inferior to it. But they recognize strength. Isn't intelligence just another sign of strength? Well yea, but you don't everyday see some kid crying because someone talked the shit out of him. I remember when I was in third through fifth grade and I got made fun of for being smart. It was either I got told I was a nerd because I'm smart or I got told I'm stupid. Both of them are trying to make you feel bad about yourself. Just look at nature though, they respect difference. The leader of the pack is more than just brawn though. It's sad that humanity had to go wrong somewhere along the chain of evolution that being different became a bad thing. Evolution is literally a result of lucky mistakes and odd mixtures of chromosomes. We wouldn't be here without mistakes. In a literal sense it means imperfection is a perfection upon us. But I thought about it more. If I knew Blue would say no. If I didn't have those stupid thoughts that she did like me back just didn't want to say it to save the friendship that I slowly killed before then. Would I still have asked her out? Even with the fact that no was always the definite answer. She doesn't even need to think about it to know. Well I think I would've. My mistakes make me better, I don't know about other people. But I prefer to let people make their own mistakes until they eventually learn from them.

I'm At The Center Of Myself

So I had one of those deep thoughts and well what is self-centeredness? It's the nasty product when Pride and Greed meet and have nasty looking babies. At the core Pride and Greed have been my two biggest problems when it comes to the Seven Deadly Sins. To list it simply, in order of trouble caused, they're Pride, Greed, Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, Envy, and Rage. Talk to me 5 years ago I would've put Rage first and then Sloth and Greed. Now I don't know. I've tried to ignore my urge to put myself first but it's failed at some points. Somewhere down the line maybe about the third generation of Pride and Greed creating babies Sloth and Envy decided that they'd join in though. When you're self-centered you have a giant ego, something that I have let grow out of control at points, and then you also need to spoil yourself. Those are the two major factors. Aspects of Humanity are just like humans themselves, they don't like to be by themselves. One sin is going to be influenced and influence the other Seven Deadly Sins in some aspects. But the reason that I say Sloth and Envy got involved in this orgy of errors with humanity is because the more self-centered you are the less you're willing to do something unless it benefits you, Sloth, and you'll see other people above you which hurts your pride and you want what they have, Envy. Of course Rage and Lust will get in on it but I don't really think that you see it as much. Really Self-Centeredness is fully described by all 7 sins, but I'm more affected by the four that I said in this aspect. Lust got in on it by making me feel like I need to have who I want regardless of what they say, which led to trouble I wish I didn't bring about. Rage is when I didn't get what I wanted except I wasn't mad at them, as far as I know I still need to examine myself more, but mad at myself. They really should have another set of Deadly Sins that don't outwardly affect people, or appear that way. There'd be Self-Doubt and others that I can't think of at the moment. But I got really self-centered this year and didn't really notice what was going on in other people's lives around me. I got caught up in myself, something that I've hated that happens to me often. I didn't notice Blue was depressed at points in the school year, except one point but I didn't do much about it except try to talk to her about it. She kept talking about how she was apathetic to everything. BUT I DIDN'T NOTICE SHIT! I didn't realize she was depressed and now wish I was there when she was. She doesn't like to talk about her problems but I want to always be there. At the core of every person though they care more about themselves than anything else, and that's never going to change. She's always been there to talk to me, even when I was the most annoying thing in the world, and I wish that I returned the favor. Even though she doesn't come to me like I do to her, I still should have done something. It just shows how unworthy I am to even talk to her. Much less think that she should be with me. I had another friend with a lot of problems and I never really noticed them until he mentioned them to me. Up until that point I never really thought he had any real reason to be sad and honestly thought he was always happy. I still can walk in other people's shoes though, that's never going to change. But, at this point I've even managed to stop doing that.

Where'd You Go

Ayo Blue, so where'd you go
Cause you know, that I miss you so
It's been forever, since I've seen you yo
Like I used to but I'm in a different world
You know that I'd bring you with me there
But you told me that you're happy over there
With me as a friend and others as lovers
You kept repeating that you see me as a brother
I should've taken no the first time you told me
But I didn't listen and I kept going
I was gone like a snake in the sand
But I want to be close to you Blue and

(Hook)

We used to be closer than PB&J
We used to talk til' it wasn't day
It used to be where I didn't make mistakes
That I still apologize for today
My heart still reaches out but gets turned away
I don't expect acceptance from you anyways
I just want things back the way they were before
My longing for you makes me want to be on the floor
In a pool of blood with my mistakes unwritten
But yet my problems can't be forgiven
I don't deserve you even as a friend
But I'll keep loving you til' the end

(Hook)

My life seems worthless without you in it
You choose to be here but you'd be gone in a minute
I'd be gone too but not in the same way
I really miss you Blue why'd you have to go away
But I can't blame you for that I asked for it
Cause of that my life feels like shit
Without you at my side
I don't know who else to confide
Everything that I kept locked away
That I'd share with you though I wasn't asked to say
I still told you because I had no other
No mother, no brother, and sadly no lover

So this I'd like to say I made to fit into the Instrumental with Hook for "Where'd You Go" by Fort Minor. I'd record it, but I tried that before and it ended miserably with all the mistakes I made while rapping it. Also, I'd extend the last verse so that I can say it all and it doesn't cut into the hook right after "I don't know who else to confide".

4/20 Blaze It FGT

So today is 4/20, national weed day. Although I don't partake, I'd like to post some good old fashioned stoner poetry. You all know how much drugs interest me, but I don't think I'll do them.

Poem 1: It's really bad though, don't be surprised when the flow gets cut and the second line I have to say fast for it to rhyme

Today's a special day. A day of magic and wonder.
The day where the stoner's come out for some fun for
Today is 4/20, the most mystical day of the year
Where everybody's high and they have nothing to fear
The celebrations going no complaints to be heard
Not even the dogs of government should complain a word

Poem 2:

Twas' the day of 4/20 with stoners about
With smoke in the air and everyone shouts
The scrawny white boy crying for not getting a puff
But he snorted 4 lines of grandaddy's snuff
The rastafarian says to shut the fuck up
It's the day of 4/20 but any drug's enough

Poem 3: I didn't write this but one of my new favorite FB pages wrote it.

"Twas the night before 4/ 20, when all through society
Not a pothead was stirring, no reason for anxiety;
The kush was all ground, and rolled with such care,
For others may come, and We must be prepared;
The stoners asleep all comfy on the couch,
No cause for alarm, they probably passed out;
And Mary with her kief box, and I with some papers,
Giggling like school children, ready to inhale THC vapors."

I have no more stoner poetry to post. I could post pictures of drugs or smoking materials but no. So instead I'd like to recommend this movie on Netflix called "Degenerate Art." There was a colon and something but I don't remember that part. It's about pipe making, and some of the art is really impressive.

365 IS HERE!

So I made this blog officially a year ago on this day. Made a post everyday, even though some were me saying I have nothing to say, and I've come a long way. Started this blog because I was depressed over one girl, who I now currently hate, and now most of my moanings are over Blue, the one who gave me the idea to get a blog. I still complained about things, and had my random babblings. I really think that if I didn't have this blog to talk things out when I had no one to, I may not be here making this post. I still look back, not on the blog though, and wonder what I was thinking when I decided I liked that one girl. She treated me like shit and I still pursued her. What is wrong with me? I'd have a lightshow to post with my new gloves that are now old, but the settings got reset on a couple so I need to reprogram the whole set. So instead enjoy an analysis of why I managed my post to pageview ratio to be higher than 1:10. Pretty much I'm going through the all time pageviews of my top 5 posts, along with posting the charts that Blogger gives me.

So of course, the numero uno, my bitch post about Adalia Rose. It makes up about 1/6, a little less, of all my pageviews. I've been contemplating unpublishing it so that I stop having people coming to read about me complain about Adalia.

Well this one I refuse to take down. It's provided some interesting google search quotes for me to laugh at. I didn't expect I'd get this much attention from people that hate their parents, or atleast their mothers. I don't hate mine that much, but she gets on my nerves a lot. She gives me jewelry though. She feeds me. She does as I ask. So I can't complain too much.

So yes, this. One of my first raps that I could be proud of. It's quite a good rap too. Well there's holes in it, and I forgot the rhythm I used when I spit it acapella. Now I can account part of this from my good friend that I had made this about. He said when he's bored he goes back and reads it because he likes to laugh at the pokes I used. He and I are on good terms now, somewhat close.

Now the pig out post. I don't remember this one all that well off the top of my head. Ohhh.... so it's me talking about my wonder sandwich. I got a new one, partially because the Subway near my house won't give me double meat on the feast. I can account some of these views from people googling Subway, my post could be considered a valid customer review.

This post I was proud enough of that I shared it on my Google Plus, a social networking site I don't care for, and on my Facebook page. It was a major positive product of my depression, and one I can glad to say I wrote. When I was depressed and thinking about ending it, my friend sent me it to read again. I really have to thank this blog, I don't know if I'd still be here if I didn't have it.

So for my favorite post of all time? I don't personally know. I have 364 posts to skim through and pick out of, that'd take awhile. Of the top 5? There's no question about it, "Don't Die". It's the newest post of the top 5 also. 

A graph of my all time pageviews. Obviously I didn't have a blog in 2008-2011. But as you can see, it's really risen up. Now currently dropping though.

All time of referring sites. I can thank Google for 400 of my views, damn. I don't think this thing is full though, just tops of things. Because I had a lot more weird search keywords in it. Along with many other referring sites. 

Last but not least, well probably least, the all time of the Audience. I'm surprised that people in Russia and Germany bothered with reading my rants. Even more surprised by the people in the Phillippines, Singapore, and China. They probably read it for laughs. I was bitching mostly about first world problems and they have harder lives to live, probably. I'm disappointed though, that Internet Explorer came in third. IN THIRD. IT BEAT FIREFOX. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?

So there, you've seen the celebration. And now so as to improve quality of posting I'm going to only post when I have something to say. Something relevant. The song analysis? Those are going to be when I'm listening to the song and start to have a feel. Raps? When I write one. It's going to get very broken up and I may start having multiple posts a day. Thank you people for reading my blog, I hope it was much enjoyed.

Today Is Blank

So today I'm a little bit too sad to post. Kinda fucked up, day before my 365 day post I have nothing to say. Well I do. I just don't want to. When I'm sad I don't want to do anything. I hate everything more. And I'm instantly fed up at the slightest annoyance, so you can imagine how fed up I get with myself. So now just enjoy a quote I wrote in the shower today.

"What is growing up? Growing up is moving from being too happy to notice the sad things in life to being too sad to smile at the happy things in life."

Nigga She Don't Want You

Sorry for sounding like a dumb stereotypical black man/woman in the title. It's just that's what runs through my head everytime I interact even in the slightest bit with Blue. Not just talking to her on Facebook or seeing her in real life. Just thinking of her I also think of the fact that she doesn't want me in that way. Besides her having a boyfriend I've probably smothered and annoyed the shit out of her to the point where she just sees me as some obsessed fanboy. That's what I feel like. An obsessed fanboy. I keep pursuing her even though it's pretty obvious it's going to get me nowhere. But I still have to be optimistic. If only I could manage to interact with her more in public though. With any person I find it easier to talk to them without looking at them face-to-face. Especially with Blue. In person I always have a shit ton of problems with trying to talk to her unless there's someone else nearby. I'm not confident. Not when I have that beautiful girl to look at. I think what am I doing, why am I still trying, it's pointless. Yet I still do it. But why? Just why? Why do I still try to get her to look at me differently when it all has the same ending for me. I decided I might as well just leave her be for a bit. Hope when I try to talk to her again she welcomes it with open arms. She really is the one girl I'm never going to forget. She really is the one that I hold above everyone else. If only I were that for her...

Which Way Do I Go?

Yo I'm still at the bottom but I'm working my way up

I ain't got no time for independence from my luck

Live life fast and put my faith in chance

Try to stay happy keep the wrists from being slashed

But as I see the girl my world comes to crumble

I long for her and feel to act more humble

My life's turning around and I'm getting a good start

But I'll never have that special spot in her heart

But I'm changing my ways to be the better man

Yet on the major problems in the middle I stand

I want to go both ways because they both make me happy

But one end's missing the chick that made me sappy

But one end's missing the girl that I love

But one end's missing what I hold high above

The what is a she and she's my whole world

A life without her is alone in the cold

Have fun, enjoy. No I'm not going to explain it for you.

Am I Sick Or Sad

So the past week has been a sad, depressing, shit week for me. I haven't exactly been feeling too well lately either. So my question now is, am I sad because I'm sick or sick because I'm sad? I mean I know that they're connected. When you're sad you commonly will feel sicker. In fact being depressed can make you lose an appetite just as much as gain one. I know I've been feeling sadder and less wanting to live the past week. It hasn't been totally fun. But damn does my stomach hurt. So does my head. Depression is a bitch.

Don't Let Go

Well now that I started doing this I kinda like it. Expect more posts like this. Today it's "Don't Let Go" by Weezer. Weezer's a bit of an old band now, of course not real old but what people consider old in music is like 4 years. They're a hipster band too, I think they're British also.

Any time that you want
I'll be here in your arms
Silently holding on 
To the girl with the charms
But if there comes a day
You should turn your heart away
I'll be down on my knees
Beggin' for that girl to stay

Pretty plain and simple, but that's part of why I like it. He's saying he's always going to be there for her and he's never going to stop. He's not going to let go of what he feels for her. He doesn't expect her to know how much he loves her so he's silently holding on and she never notices how special she is to him. She's also really alluring and has that type of charisma that makes people love her. She loves him too, but if she were to ever stop he'd keep asking her to comeback. Well now Blue loves me, or so she says. I've never hugged her though, sadly. That's all I could ask of her too, to be hugged for once. Well that and you know, her affection. She has people that flock to her too. Guys like her, and they're guys that are more attractive than I. They probably can talk to her easier too, I used to be able to talk to her easily, but now I can barely start a conversation with her that lasts longer than 5 minutes. Seems like now that she's become distant and wants to leave me behind. I can't blame her, everyone gets tired of me eventually. I'm too stuck living in the past too. But I've practically begged her to still be my close and dear best friend. She didn't like that either though. I guess when you try to move past something, and it fails, things are always going to be different.

Don't let go
Ooo oh oh
Don't let go
Ooo oh oh

He's begging.

Anything you desire
I will set at your feet
With a kiss in the air
For the gods to receive
But if there comes a day
You should turn your heart away
I'll be down on my knees
Beggin' for that girl to stay

He's saying he'll give her whatever she wants to make her happy. And he blows a kiss, but she doesn't want it so it goes to "the gods". This is probably an inaccurate interpretation but it's the way I read it. Simply he's saying he'd do whatever he could to make her happy, and he gives her his love also. But she rejects his love. Then of course there's the reiteration. Honestly I have given her stuff that she wanted, even though she wouldn't ask for it. No matter what I always will have money to spend on her. She doesn't even abuse it. She doesn't like receiving gifts from people. As you all know, she has rejected my advances though.

Confrontations in my mind
Got me running out of time

He's facing his problems and thinking them through. But now he's so busy thinking it out he doesn't have time to think of her. Probably something else for the second half though. No need to explain why even this part gives me feels.

Ring Of Fire

Now I will do another analysis. It's clear I can't think of much of anything to write recently. I haven't really been able to talk to Blue much either, in having a conversation or in having the chance to. I haven't been that social in general, it makes it so that I don't spend as much time thinking so then I have less to say. But I'm going to write about how I relate to "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash.

Love is a burning thing
and it makes a firery ring
bound by wild desire
I fell in to a ring of fire...

He's saying that love can look beautiful and majestic, but it can hurt and when it does it's not annoying, it's painful. Love can surround you like a ring. It's not always hurting you, but the ring of fire (love) occasionally has embers and flares flying from it and burning you. There's also the temptation to embrace love, otherwise know as touching the fire. He got to far in love. No need to explain how I relate to it.

I fell in to a burning ring of fire
I went down,down,down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

He's repeating to confirm that we know, he's stuck in love. He's found the one, or thought to. He fell deep enough in love that he got an actual ring. He got married. At first it looked nice, but then he felt the burn of disappointment.


The taste of love is sweet
when hearts like our's meet
I fell for you like a child
oh, but the fire went wild..

He's saying it's nice. He enjoys being in love, especially when it's with someone he truly. But it turns out he was blinded by other things and was foolish to say he's in love. It was still good though, until things got out of control. I really didn't have to explain why I can relate to these. Any poster that may read this daily knows the way I feel. The sadness inflicted by loneliness and distance. Good night.

:( Nothing

So honestly I can't think of crap to write about today. I can always do a music analysis thingy but I honestly don't want to. I did one yesterday. Also that means I need to go look for a song etc etc, which I'm not in the mood to do. My day has been short because I spent most of my time at home today sleeping, something I'm right about to do again.

"With Me"

So today I'm going to talk about "With Me" by Sum 41. Basically, well, it's one of those songs that expresses a feel I feel everyday now.

I don't want this moment to ever end,
Where everything's nothing without you.
I'd wait here forever just to, to see you smile,
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.

The moment he's talking about is talking to or with the girl he likes. In this case I'd assume it's Avril Lavigne, who's now his ex-wife. Me talking to a certain person that anyone that reads this blog knows who it is, well I never want it to end. I want to go back to last year when she and I'd stay up til' 2 or 3 talking. I miss the deep conversations I'd have with her that bonded us. I still remember when she read my blog everyday. She'd remind me when I didn't have a post yet and it was late. Now I'm not sure for this part but I think that this song was written after Avril divorced him, he's saying he misses her and he feels worthless if she's not a part of his life. Again, this is a feel I feel everyday. I feel like I wouldn't be the person I'm now without her, and not having the same friendship and bond I had with her, all my fault, just makes me not see much worth in anything. I'd wait until I'm a 100 year old virgin for her, but I doubt she'd ever change her mind. I was told by another friend I should wait for her, that I really care for her. But I don't know. Me not waiting is because waiting is pain. But I'd do anything to see her smile, her smile is her beauty. She may beg to differ but when she smiles she's more magnificent than the sun. I can't help but smile when I see her smile.

Through it all, I've made my mistakes.
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words.

Ok, this part is plain and simple. He's saying that despite the fact that he's been a fuckup in the past he's still going to wait for her. He wants her to believe that what he's saying is true. This is the epitome of what I feel. REGRET. He's expressing regret. I've fucked up plenty with her, but she's forgiven me for it. I think she doesn't think that I can stop fucking up though. I don't know if I can stop fucking up. Love makes you do rash and bold decisions that don't normally have a happy ending to them.

I want you to know,
With everything I won't let this go.
These words are my heart and soul.
I'll hold on to this moment, you know,
As I bleed my heart out to show,
And I won't let go.

He's saying that he's being sincere. He misses what he had. And at his last breath, he's still not going to have given up on her. He's going to keep hoping. That right there I don't need to elaborate on how I relate to it. It's plain and simple. I won't give up and keep hoping that maybe she'll change her mind.

Thoughts read, unspoken, forever in vow,
And pieces of memories fall to the ground.
I know what I didn't have, so I won't let this go,
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.

He's referencing his wedding vows with Avril and the good memories the marriage brought him. Of course those memories stopped bringing happiness to him, only served to remind him of what he lost. Most of all though, he remembers what his life was like before he had her in it and he refuses to forget it so that he knows how special she is to him. Well with Blue, I haven't married her but I have promised things to her. Sadly I haven't been able to keep some of those promises. I just fail in my path of life. Now all I have are memories, mostly good with her. Well all good. She and I only fought once. My only bad memories of her are when I had made her mad and there was a distance between us. But my good memories are in pieces. Reminiscing over the happy times I had talking to her all night only serve to remind me of how far I've fallen. I remember what my life before I started talking to her on a deeper level was like though. It wasn't the happiest when I started talking to her and she was someone to talk to. She helped to get me on the path of happiness and led me out of my despair. But I guess I'm too clingy, because then distance got between us and I started to get sad again. I don't exaggerate when I say she truly is my source of happiness. Other things make me happy. But when I'm hungup on her I'm still dead inside. I just wish she and I were as close as we used to be.

All the streets, where I walked alone,
With nowhere to go, have come to an end.

He's saying he isn't alone anymore. He has someone. Or did. That's how I felt with Blue, when I started talking to her I didn't feel alone anymore because I had her.

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,
When you don't know what you're looking to find.
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,
When you just never know what you will find.

I think he's talking about her tears, which look like rain when they fall. Maybe he's saying he's the right one for Avril and she doesn't know what she threw away. But she still wanted to explore the world of people. Through her sadness she failed to notice that he was the one for her. I have to admit. That is how I feel with Blue. I feel like I'm the right guy for her. I'm probably wrong though. I'd just end up fucking it up and things would be worse because she'd never talk to me again. I can't say anything about her sadness getting in the way of things. I haven't really tried to get her to be with me when she's off. Mostly when I'm off.

Why Am I Here?

"It's not that I want to die, it's that I don't know why I want to live" -Thoughts of an Idle Mind.

So I've been thinking. Why am I here? I was the product of a loving couple and put my mom through much pain during childbirth. That's how I got here, but why am I here? I wasn't planned. Everyone's supposed to find their purpose in life but the one purpose I always gave myself, it's not needed. I decided I was here to make people happy. Well people are happy, and I know there is that one person that when they see me their day is better but I don't know who. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is a person that waits to talk to me everyday. I don't feel like I'm special to someone, not like I want to be special. I used to have so much more potential. I was a pianist at one point, a great one too. Never needed my music after three songs because it was all in my head. Then I'd sight read everything, unless it was a complex song I didn't make one mistake. Now I can barely read music. I was a drummer too. Not full set but mostly snare drum. I was learning to play the full set, but I threw that out the window too. I could still drum, but I don't know how to play a set. I can only play one thing at a time. But even if I had those abilities, I don't see why I'm still here. People make me happy, but they make me just as sad. The same things in life that always bring me joy, they brought despair when I was without it. I'm never going to be content for more than a minute. My optimism is failing me, I'd just ignore the negative and focus on the positive. But optimism is just as bad as cynicism. Being a realist is no better. Just everything that's wrong is going to appear right. But I'm the type of guy that can get close as fuck to a person and talk to them everyday, but I'm why they talk to me. I don't think I'd be as busy on facebook if I shut up for a bit and let them start talking to me. We'd just drift apart and I'd be forgotten. I'd be some loose memory that in ten years when that person thinks of me they'll just think , "Oh I wonder what happened to him and his life". My family is no better. If I committed suicide over the weekend no one would realize I was dead until the start of the week when I have school and I'm not ready to go. The temptation to just kill myself so that I don't have to deal with the pain of existing is too great with all the opportunities I have. My dad has been in and out of the hospital so much that he needs a bag for his medication. My parents trust me enough that I keep a set of throwing knifes, a pocket knife, and a bowie knife in my room. I have a ceiling fan. I could turn almost everything in my room into a way to die. So again the question is posed, why am I still here? I have no real purpose. I don't know why I want to live, but I don't know why I want to die. There's obvious stuff like there's those that I care for and would be devastated if I were gone. But, there's something deeper or else I wouldn't even be thinking of it again. Yeah, again.

Music Analysis: Bang the Doldrums

So after I took that Sum 41 song, forgot what it was already, and analyzed the lyrics explaining how I related to the song I've been thinking about doing something along those lines again. Basically, when I can't find something to write about and have enough time left, or feel strongly about a song, I'm going to do this. So for today I have "Bang the Doldrums" by Fall Out Boy.

"I wrote a goodbye note in lipstick on your arm
When you passed out
I couldn't bring myself to call
Except to call it quits"

So this part I don't relate to that much. I haven't thought on this part that much. It's mostly the refrain that I empathize with. But he's saying he can't bring himself to say goodbye and end things in person because it's too painful for. He couldn't force himself to call things off to her face and had to do it behind a phone or computer.

"Best friends
Ex-friends till the end
Better off as lovers
And not the other way around
Racing through the city
Windows down
In the back of yellow checkered cars"

Now this part, this is the part that I relate to. Atleast the first half. Blue is my best friend, I wouldn't say if she's my ex-friend yet though. But in my opinion, we are better off as lovers. She probably begs to differ though. But hey, who knows. The second part is something about taxis. As you can see I haven't put all that much thought into this one as I did the last one.

"Come hell or high water
Well I'm feeling hot and wet
I can't commit to a thing
Be it heart or hospital"

This I think I can relate to well also. It seems to me that he's saying he doesn't care about the risk, he wants to give into lust. But he has commitment problems and doesn't want them to get fixed. And I did do that. I valued my friendship with Blue more than anything, I still do, but I almost tore it to the point of no return just because I wanted to be more than friends. I got too selfish and self-centered. I didn't understand why she said no either. I still don't, but I've learned not to question people's decisions in most cases. But I do have a commitment problem, despite my love for Blue I still do think of other girls. I still pursue other girls. I'm not proud of it, but what else am I supposed to do. I'm lonely, and she has a boyfriend. But it's also my feelings for her that keep me from pursuing most girls also. I don't want to be dating a girl just because I'm lonely, and not feel anything special for her. I'd be too distracted with feelings for Blue to pay proper attention to the other girl. If I ever managed to get one...

"The tombstones were waiting
They were half-engraved
They knew it was over
Just didn't know the date"

He's saying he knew that what he did was destined to fail from the start, just didn't know how long it would last. But the things had already started to deteriorate. This I don't know how well I relate to it. I guess the idea that Blue and I will never be a thing is really realistic in my head, but I still have the optimism to hope that maybe she just is doing what this one girl told me. She said "Some girls don't move forward in a relationship because they're happy with things as they are". But I highly doubt it. But I know my feelings for her are for true. She helps me to reach my zen, either by talking to me or just being a thought in the back of my head.

"And I cast a spell over the west to make you think of me
The same way I think of you
This is a love song in my own way
Happily ever after below the waist"

Now I don't totally understand this part. I think he's saying he created empathy with her so that she had the same feelings for him. By becoming famous he got her to think of him and this song is his ode to his feelings for her. The last line is something talking about her lust always being satisfied. That part I don't get how to tie it in. I guess I kinda relate to it. I'd do something to get her attention if I could, but there's not much I could do.

The Laziness Strikes Back

So as you've probably seen the past week I've been skipping a lot of posts. Well that wasn't just from not having anything to talk about but just because I didn't feel like it. I've been a lot more tired this week then normal. My biggest loss is that I've been behind on weight lifting and an art project I was supposed to have done a couple weeks ago. I was going to do it over the break but was too busy sleeping and hanging with friends. I'm going to try to kickstart action tomorrow though. Tonight I'm too tired to do anything except brush my teeth and piss before I go to sleep. Tired. Tired. Tired. That's what it gets down to. How tired I am. But tomorrow I'm going to try to start being active again. my body is starting to go back to being fat again. That's not good. I'm becoming the slob I was last year.

My Emotions, They Hurt

I really have started to hate what love is. Love is joy, but it's also pain. Everything is double sided like that, there's a negative and a positive, but love is strong for me. It's also a very common theme in movies. I'm watching a Martial Arts movie, A MARTIAL ARTS MOVIE, and it's there. I'll be sitting there and start thinking. Like I was watching Blade of Kings it said that what love means is that you will serve the one you love. And I mean that is what it is. With Blue all I can think of doing is making her happy. Her being happy is all that I can think of. But it hurts because, all I ever want to do is shower her in compliments and tell her I love her. I did that once. She didn't exactly enjoy it. She told me to stop complimenting because she didn't like being modest. She's just on my mind all night, I go to sleep dreaming of her. Just holding her in my arms. But she's probably never going to be mine. I can't even trust myself giving her advice sometimes, just because I may give her ill advised advice just to further myself. I was thinking of giving her it before, and I almost slapped myself for it. I'm just tempted to tell her I love her when I talk to her on facebook, when I see her in person, when she's offline so she has a pleasant message to get online to. But I don't. The restraint kills me though. It creates a distraction for me too. I'll be talking to her and can't say the right thing because I'm too busy thinking "I love you". My mind just goes blank and I get smug faced. Honestly, I want to go through and take every picture that she's in and make a powerpoint out of it. Make a little message on each of them and have it ordered by my favorite pictures. Her most beautiful smiles. How much they make me want her more. It's not greed though. Greed means I put myself first. When I say want, I mean I want her affection the same way I've given mine to her. I could care less about what I want though, as long as she's happy.

What A Surprise, Late Again

So this week's been a mixture of me being truent with this blog so I'd like to apologize. Especially since I don't have a post for today/yesterday either.

Does Money Really Mean Happiness?

So my brother had his own time at a mental hospital and when coming back from it he's been much lazier. The stay itself led to him going to therapy weekly and family therapy bi-weekly. Well I know he's getting his thoughts sorted out, even though he's been sleeping a lot and not doing much work. I'm the only one he normally listens to though, I don't know if it's because of closeness or just because I'm the only respectable thing in this shithole called home. I realized something, quite recently too, my parents are too materialistic and think spending money solves things. When sitting in therapy they'd just make excuses for their shortcomings which led to me sitting there the whole time rolling my eyes and thinking my being there was a waste of time. Well it was, and I honestly refuse to go back. My mom's excuse for not doing any work and being a self-centered, stubborn, bitch is that it's because she shouldn't have to take care of anyone else but herself. She said that she decided she'd only focus on herself so she doesn't have to clean, doesn't have to do the dishes, doesn't have to cook. It's not like we ever asked her to do anything. I ask her to do the dishes but that's because that's my least favorite chore to do, and it was never my job in the first place. But she's the only one to complain about messes. She acts like we ask her to be the fucking maid and clean up all of our messes. FUCK NO! I'm responsible for myself, and I have to be the grown up in the house. My dad tells me to clean up his messes, my mom tells me to clean up her messes, I have to clean up my brother's messes too because he pins them on me. Then my dad, he doesn't do shit. He says that it's because his work station is always being messed up by people and people don't give him the mail. No, he has a messy work station but that's his fault. And the mail? He's always the first to skim through it and see it. All they ever do is make excuses for not doing anything. They aren't even valid excuses either. My mom should do the dishes because she's always hounding me to cook her food. My mom should do some type of laundry because she's always telling me to do hers. She's just being a dumb bitch. Atleast my brother admits he won't do anything. I don't have to excuse me being lazy. I don't act lazy that much, I'm the one doing the work. And that's accepted but as my mom delves deeper into her self-centeredness me asking her to do stuff gets answered with a no more often. But back to the question at hand, "Does Money Really Mean Happiness?" Honestly I don't think it does but it seems my parents think  it does. They think it solves everything. My dad was behind on taxes and my mom wanted to buy an accountant. We're paying some stranger to help us talk to each other. When they don't have food that's been cooked and I'm not cooking my mom doesn't cook, no she orders something. Sometimes they don't even talk to me about it and just order food. So I decided, if I have to put up with this retarded crap all the time, me saying no to do something is going to just have to be dealt with. My dad and Mom have stuff they refuse to do, well I refuse to sit through family counseling and listen to bullshit excuses for everything. For once this isn't me being a cynical bastard. It's fucked up when the youngest in the family has to be the adult too.

Derpa Derper

So derpa derpa derpa derper I'm not in the mood to talk today. Yet again. Atleast my posts are still punctual right?

Not Wanting To Talk

So I'm not much in the mood to talk about shit. Don't have much to talk about anyways. But I did go on Omegle, and a game of Truth or Dare evolved into a 3 hour long conversation about spiritualism. I kinda lectured, not the best thing to do. But I got a new friend on Skype, isn't that nice.

Ahh...Family

So I got to see a part of my family I see about two or three times a year today. They live about 4 hours away so seeing them is something I can't just blow off like I normally do. My little cousin is the funny one there. Kept talking to me about his pocket knife he got for Easter and how his brother's was bigger. Sad thing though, cause his brother is gay. I don't have a problem with people being gay. I have a problem with things going to waste. And my cousin is a drama kid, not some kid you see whittling with his pocket knife. Then my other cousin was there, and she was wearing makeup. I really don't understand why girls in middleschool and highschool need to wear makeup. They aren't old enough where the looks will deteriorate so why the fuck are they wearing makeup? I sat there in the pizza place, not Pizza Hut or Dominoes but a fancy smancy one, gloving a bit to show my cousins. The youngest one was awed and interested by them. On the way out a lady at another table commented on them to me too.