My Miserabality

Yes, miserabality, don't believe it's a real word. But I'm using it to say, I'm really really miserable. I've been such a bitch lately towards Blue and I don't even know why. I even started having it where I'm just laying down, letting my thoughts wander, there's gruesome scenes that I don't even know where they came from. It's as if I'm developing contempt for her. FOR BLUE. Like fuck no, that can't happen. Why the hell would I be mad at Blue? I try to think on why, just like I'm trying to refigure why I love her so much, and it just leads to massive headaches and frustration. I've even had points where I just want to break shit. Not just any random stuff, but the Kandi bracelet she made me and a stuffed cupcake I got from her on my birthday. But, earlier today when I got home and slept to escape life I had some pleasant dreams, dreams that I hope to come true. Dreams of her being my close friend again. Of her and I playing together. Something that I wish that could happen. I just know though, if she were to hug me, I would probably hug her back and burst out crying at the same time. It'd mean that much to me because I've felt so distant from in for so long. Well not real long, a couple of months or so. But those months have felt like years to me. And I mean shit, I'm miserable now because I gave up something that kept me happy. I gave it up because it caused us to get distant. I gave it up because I wanted it to give me more of a chance to get to being her friend again, cause I doubt she would even consider calling me an acquaintance. I tore down any bonds she and I had when I started pursuing her. I pursued her viciously and pressured her too much. So any chances I had with her were torn apart. Our friendship is in scraps that I've so vigorously tried to force back together. I haven't tried to give it time, something I've never been good at. Sometimes though, sometimes I don't think she cares that much if we become close again. But I would prefer to live miserable for years if it means that I'm more suitable for her. But I'm afraid that doing it isn't going to prove it's worth. Yea, I'll become suitable on one level having stopped something that pushed us apart. But when I'm miserable I'm also a sadistic, anti-social, unfunny asshole. I may still make jokes, but they slowly get meaner and meaner and stop being jokes all together. Last time I felt miserable, and it was a fraction of how miserable I am now, I became the kid the whole class hated. I don't want to go back to that. That'd definitely seal my fate and I'll never be her friend again. Not if I'm going to be a hateful bastard that will act like he's on a roid rage when he's mad.

As the bad day gets worse I'm stuck depressed

Stuck with words left unexpressed

Stuck with things I need to say

But never will I do that this day

My life's a wreck without her here

She's got her own but without me I fear

I wish she'd atleast stay my friend

But my road doesn't have a happy end

It's been laid by a burning flame

Set ablaze by my shame

A shame that could never be taught

Only experienced as it's wrought

Stepping over the boundaries laid

As I face my final fate

My thoughts a blur through the tears

But I wish that you could still be here

Why Do I Feel This Way?

I've honestly forgotten why I love Blue. I mean there's the obvious stuff, like the fact that she's one of the most beautiful girls I'll ever see who's developed a pretty nice body. But the only thing I really remember of her is that she's creative. We haven't had our long talking conversations in such a long time where we're laughing and talking, I just don't know why I still pursue her. I guess they're just residual feelings from when I did know her so well. Now I don't know crap about her. I've even forgotten how to make her laugh. Yesterday I was at Busch Gardens and was walking around with a stuffed wiener dog and poked a milf. I told her about it and I thought it'd make her laugh, I honestly did. She's just like, meh whatever. I mean I can make her laugh with fat jokes, but it's been so long since I've talked to her I can't remember why she was so special to me. Then when I try to rekindle that friendship, I honestly don't know what the hell to say. I can't rekindle our friendship because my attraction gets in the way. But I think at this point it's become just residual feelings from memories of when we were close, and how attractive she is now.

To Answer Why

Recently I've felt a little dead inside. When I do something good for me like body building, something that I actually do enjoy to an extent, I'll be doing it then just stop and ask myself why. In all honesty, I do it because I think if I'm a attractive intelligent nice guy, the three qualities that girls supposedly look for. (when I say attractive I mean buff and somewhat facially attractive) But also the only girl that I intend to pursue, even though there are others, is Blue. Besides the fact she isn't attracted to me, she isn't attracted to the buff type. I could always go ask out some other chicks that I kinda like but it'd feel wrong because I'd be with them but still busy thinking about Blue. I'm probably being quite naive to continue to pursue Blue, but nothing's stopped me before when pursuing a girl that doesn't like me back. In fact it actually paid off once and she said yes, not Blue some other chick, but I got dumped a few days later so I can't count that. I was also more stubborn then, kept pushing the girl to go out with me. I couldn't do that to Blue because each time she says no she might feel bad about it because she knows how head over heels I am for her. Also each time I decide to ask after the last one, it makes me feel like a douche. It's me pressuring her into saying yes, which I honestly know she won't give into. So why do I still lift weights? I don't do it as much as I used to, which I'm trying to stop, but I still do it. I started getting lazier and skipping days more often just because I didn't feel like it. But I'll be sitting there, on the benchpress, and get distracted asking myself why I'm sitting there on the benchpress. I had the same thought about school. In fact I took it to the point where I just gave up on school. I still did my work in class, and did well on tests. But it became more where I focused on doing things that made me happy which meant I stayed up all night playing Dota and other games and slept most of class. It only dropped my grades, and probably dropped me from the top 25 class ranks, because I didn't do homework and any important grades like a paper I had to write would come in late. I look back and realize the way I went about things was a good choice though. Even though it hurt my grades, it's much better than freaking out and going to a mental hospital in temporary stay like what happened to my brother. When he came back, oh he was fucked for school. With me, I still learned, it literally just homework grades that have me fucked. I recently finished my SOLs and I had no trouble on either of them. Now that's only two out of eight of my classes. But I'm fine in English, I've had shitty grades in it though. That's because of not doing homework and turning in two things late that were worth a bulk of the grade. French is simple, easy peasy ass shit. Health, that's a laugh. Art, well I am an artist, why would I have a problem in art? There is a slight problem, I didn't turn in a project on time, the only project grade of the quarter. But I need to talk to my teacher about that if she ever put points in for it. My computer class the teacher loves me. Physics I got in the bag cause science is my shiznit. I know I don't have to take the final for all of my classes except maybe English. English is my only worry because that's where slacking really hurts my grade. Math gets damaged too, but that's cause the teacher overweighs the homework. I passed the SOL also, so I don't have to take the final.

Kryptonite

Yes, Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down. I remember when I first found this song it was through my brother and he was only why I listened to it. There were a lot of songs where I was too young to notice what the lyrics were, just that the song sounded good and listened because my brother did. I knew the lyrics, but not what they meant. Well now down to the song, this was a product of a 15 year old's mind. So I'd have to say it's pretty impressive seeing as it's at that age that mental development is just finishing, but not quite done. He was probably at a depressed state though, one where he felt lonely. I just know when I first heard this song I thought it related to Superman more than it did. There are points that I'll mention that can tie into Superman though.

I took a walk around the world
To ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
But I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon

So that's a long ass walk to take, but this is one of those moments where I thought it tied into Superman. But have you ever taken a walk by yourself? In the fresh air? It really does help you sort out your thoughts, especially if you don't have anything to listen to. I used to always think when I walked to friends houses, but now I have music to listen to. Not like it'd help. Last year when I had a thing for that one horrid girl I could still talk to her, Blue I can't. Blue just dumbfounds me without even having to be right in front of me. She makes me socially awkward. Back to the song though. I don't exactly know how to interpret the next two lines after talk about his troubled mind. I'd have to say it has something to do with him not focusing on his physicality anymore and more on his mentality. But, it may also be him saying he doesn't know where he is anymore. Kinda relatable, I really don't know where I am anymore. Not physically of course, but I don't have any plans for the future anymore. I used to have everything thought out but now I'm plan things a day before they happen. Last two are simple, he watched the world fall apart, I think. Maybe it's him saying he is nocturnal, stays up all night. Too deep in thought to sleep, or too addled with terror to be able to sleep. Those nights, those lonely nights I'd spend only wishing I had someone in my arms to call mine, those nights I still have. He's feeling depressed. If you watch the video you'll find the same thing.

I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

He doesn't know what he can do to change his situation. Make himself HAPPY. Or in Superman's case what to do about his weakness. Well I DON'T EITHER. I'm only happy around people. But I'm also sad cause I can't do crap with Blue. Can't initiate small talk, even when she's online. Nothing at all I can possibly do to change my current situation. Of course I'll still try, my hope hasn't died out just yet.

I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be
Something to do with you
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the end

There my suspicions confirmed. He is saying he can't sleep at night because he's depressed. Now the last two lines, can't describe the feels they give me. All I want is Blue to be close to me again, close like we used to. But because of my persistence and open pursuit I practically made that impossible. I don't expect to get anywhere with her. But I still want her to be my friend, my dear friend. I remember how over the summer I kept telling her how I was going to have a job and buy her expensive things. That was before she knew about my feelings, and she would've taken the presents. Now she's even reluctant to borrow a game from me being worried about "debt".

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be
There a-holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite

So I found out the meaning of these words when I read about Kryptonite on Wikipedia. He's asking, I'm pretty sure he's asking a her, whether she'd stay by his side through thick and thin, through dark and light. I could compare it to wedding vows. Saying they'll stay together through sickness and health blah blah blah. Then he makes an oath to keep her safe. I say a her because of the last line "kryptonite". He's calling her his weakness, the crack in his wall. The one person that he'd do anything for. No need to explain how I can relate to this. Blue's my kryptonite, nuff said. And I wish she'd stay by my side on both terms. But at this point I scared her from doing either. That's never going to go back to where she's my close friend in both situations though. Atleast if I still am so dependent on her. I think if I just lost internet for a week and then just stopped talking to her after that things would ease back where I can talk and be social with her again after that period. But it's not going to happen, nor work, because when I'm not talking to her, I'm going to be stuck thinking of her. I'd be sad probably, maybe happy if I remember something happy, but it's not going to come anytime soon. But to continue why I thought this tied into Superman. There is one point, atleast in the DCAU continuity, where he gets controlled by Darksied and goes on a rampage.

You called me strong, you called me weak,
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times
I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head,
If not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

Now I'm not about to say that Blue needs me more than she thinks. Hell no, she's like a drug for me but I'm like the dirt beneath her shoes. Blue's had her moments where she bags on me though, not many but still there. But, I'm always going to be there for her, no matter what. She may take me for granted at points though, and I've pulled some stupid shit that may have said I'm not always going to be here. Like for instance, one time I was playing Dota and she started talking to me and I just told her I'm in a Dota game and can't talk. What if it was important? In the last four lines it'd be more like her talking to me than me talking to her. I was depressed as fuck when I started talking to her more and I wasn't thinking it'd help. I just felt like she would be a confidant, turns out she was more than that. I owe her a lot, cause if she hadn't turned out to be what I got I may not be here today. As I said, I was depressed as fuck. I would do stuff intentionally to put myself in harms way under the guise of it being fun. It was fun, but it was dangerous too. She changed that. She helped me through my hard times.

FuckBoi Is BACK!

So after a long delay I have finally made a new gloving video, one without my mask but I've put pictures here with my face in it. And now I'm at a reprieve from handing out my have cocked analysis of music and how I manage to relate to it. I started one about "Over My Head" by The Fray but stopped halfway through. I haven't been much in the mood to glove lately though, but now I remember why I was so obsessed with it. Even though it can get repetitive and I never really want to do it when I'm depressed, it makes me feel relaxed and nice. It's just fun to stand in my bathroom and glove for the mirror to see. So after a few friends pay me back I'm going to get some Oracles. God those things have got to be confusing but it'll be nice, having 8 color sets plus 8 modes to use. I only really want it for the 8 color sets but the modes are a pretty chill bonus. Gloving will also help to distract me from the Glorious Blue One. Oh, how I need a distraction. I played the shit out of Saints Row and waiting for other games. I can't chill with friends as much because I've been on a money spending spree. I'm way to generous with my cash, you could just ask Blue that. I'm always offering to buy her stuff but thankfully she declines else I'd be broke right now. But with my friends, every now and then if I'm chilling with them and I want to go to get food cause I'm hungry I'll buy them something too. It's cause I don't like to be rude but also I'm chill like that. I could always chill with friends without spending money, but now that it's the summer we're going to spend more time inside where it's nice and cool. Dota is still a convenient distraction. Only played about 60-75 games each lasting between 30-45 minutes. It doesn't get old either. Saints Row I don't play online so I can't troll people, mostly because I don't know anyone with Saints Row and an XBox. But with Dota, I strike up nice conversations with strangers. In fact I have three friends from Dota, don't know them in real life. But when I get the Orange Box in the mail, ohohoho when I get the Orange Box. I'm going to play that for a day straight to get good at Team Fortress 2 and then ask Blue to play with me. I've found I'm horrible at talking to her online now, lost my ability to be funny cause I never have anything to talk about where I can be comedic. I can be funny with others...just not her. In one on one I could but I normally am too distracted by her being RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME to know what to say, or be able to think up my funny jokes. So playing Orange Box with her means being able to talk to her without her being there to distract me, sounds a little retarded but it works.

So For some reason it didn't know how to access the videos on my Youtube account so here's the link to the better quality video that's on Youtube.

Video

Sigh, The Despair

I've sadly had to go two days without talking to Blue. Technically it's three cause I only talked to her for about five minutes on Saturday, then she went offline to me. Today in school I did my usual, I smiled at her as she walked into the cafeteria, but she didn't even send me a wave. God I sound so damn clingy and possessive of her. But it's where you know something's wrong when her body language is different. Even worse, she went offline to me. I'm only reiterating that because you probably thought that to mean she got off of facebook. No, just to me. I found out because I was at a friend's house and it said she was online when it didn't on my computer. as I said, the despair. My day just doesn't feel right when I haven't talked to her. Heh, when I talk to her everything seems nicer. I'm more welcoming to everything and even more, good things happen. When I'm happy, which has become dependent on my interaction with her, good things happen. But when I'm sad, which has become a daily mood, bad things happen. For example yesterday I was too distracted with Dota and my Win Streak to notice until around ten that she hadn't been online all day. But then today I broke my Win Streak. A SEVEN GAME WIN STREAK. Even more, the game that I lost it was with 4 other experienced players and using a character I have a lot of experience with. That just screams how bad it is, and how weak my ability to focus when in despair is. She even has decided she'd ignore my messages to her. I sent her a picture about blueberries, and asked her about an update. But nothing. Again, I sound like a fucking possessive creep when she's just my friend. Not in my eyes but in reality.

Walking Disaster

So it's time for me to talk about yet another Sum 41 song. I decided that because I was dry of posts for a week I need to replenish it, but there's only songs to write about at the moment. Anyways, "Walking Disaster" is from the album Underclass Hero.

I haven't been home for a while, 
I'm sure everything's the same:
Mom and Dad both in denial, 
an only child to take the blame.
Sorry Mom but I don't miss you, 
Father's no name you deserve.
I'm just a kid with no ambitions, 
wouldn't come home for the world.

So if you watch the video it's a little robot walking around everywhere. He's saying he's run away from home, or doesn't have anywhere to call home because his house isn't what it used to be anymore. I'd go with the former though because the second line confirms it. Then he goes on to say that his parents can't be at fault for anything but he can always be the one responsible. Obviously Deryck had a bad home life that he disowns his father and practically tells his mom to fuck herself. Again, referring to the video, it's a LITTLE robot. This is symbolic in the sense that it's size is to represent the age and it doesn't plan to go anywhere, just wander. The final line supports my explanation of the first when he says he's not coming home. Now for any new readers, I have a horrible home life. With both my parents being lazy, self-serving sacks of shit there's no surprise that I relate to his song. I've had those moments that I renounce my dad too. But I don't think I could leave, before I used to be able to in fact I "ran-away" 3 times, but now I've gotten comfortable here. If I could though, I would burn this house down with everything in it just so I'd never have to see it again. Now as to his ambitions. That could be my motto. My ambition comes from my parents. I don't really care much to become an engineer or a scientist working in pharmaceuticals. Yea I want to change the world, but hell no not through there. It's not the hard work, it's that I don't think whatever change I make would last. The world has a balance to maintain. I'd more enjoy being a psychologist, how funny I hate them, or a chef or even just  a bartender. Someone who I know is going to make a change everyday and it can't be thrown back in their face.

{You'll} never know what I've become, 
the king of all that's said and done.
The forgotten son?
This city's buried in defeat, 
I walk along these no name streets,
Wave goodbye to all, 
as I fall...

Ever seen "That's My Boy"? Well the main character's son leaves once he turns 18 and goes so far as to change his name so that his dad never finds him. The kid becomes a successful business man too. He's saying about the same thing. They're not going to know who he is but he's going to go on and be great. They'll forget him though. He's going to leave the city and go somewhere else where he doesn't even know the streets. But he thinks it's bringing him down. I can't count how many times I've thought this. The whole entire, when I'm 18 I'm out of this hellhole because my house is a dead end attitude. But I can't do that, it'd be leaving too much. Not leaving my parents, but my friend definitely. It's this type of stuff that makes me wonder about college. Normally when I talk about college with friends I talk about them going to the same one as I do. But what if that doesn't happen? But I can't just leave everything behind. It'd be the end of me mentally and financially.

At the dead end I begin 
to burn the bridge of innocence.
Satisfaction guaranteed, 
a pill away catastrophe.
On a mission, nowhere bound, 
inhibitions underground,
A shallow grave I 
have dug all by myself.

He's saying he's picking himself up and he isn't the naive, ignorant, innocent kid he used to be. Cause he's starting from the bottom of course he's going to be happy with whatever he gets, but he's also got a drug problem. Atleast he has no plans, his ambition is dead. He's just going to wander like the robot in the video. By saying "inhibitions underground" he's either saying that his mentality is holding him back or he doesn't have anything to stop him. He can't blame anyone for this though because it's his actions that led to this. Yea....this is serious deep shit these lines. I don't think I'm starting from the bottom. But I haven't been innocent since second grade to what's wrong with society. I've had those thoughts about abusing drugs. Again, I have no real plans for the future. I just want to let myself lead me wherever I go and not complain where I end up.

And now I've been gone for so long
I can't remember who was wrong.
All innocence is long gone.
I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief where I belong.

Now he's not talking about not being home, he's saying drugs. He hasn't been living in reality for awhile because he's been too fucked up on shit to even know where he is. At this point he doesn't know what's going on just that the world is a fucked up place. Now everyone, cause they're human, belong in a place such as described above. The world is a cleverly strung web of lies that when unstrung isn't truly unstrung but split into smaller and smaller strands of silk.  Now my usual self hasn't been here recently, I've been too deluded to preserve happiness. I do know who was wrong in why I've been so deluded, it was me. And just to say, I pledge allegiance to the death of the United States of America. And to anarchy where law doesn't stand. No nations are truly good, evil, or virtuous. Yea it's a crappy rendition of the Pledge of Allegiance. I actually got asked why I don't say it before and when I said I can't pledge allegiance to a country I hate it got quite the negative response. But it's America's own form of subliminal messaging. It's slowly instilling in our minds at a young age, when it matters, a sense of patriotism. They do it in North Korea too, and we were watching a video in class that included it and kids were blabbing about how stupid North Koreans were. They need to look at themselves first.

A walking disaster, 
the son of all bastards.
You regret you made me, 
it's too late to save me.
(You regret you made me, 
it's too late to save me.)

Now here's the hook, so late in the song. NO DIP YOU'RE A WALKING DISASTER. The reason why it's so late in the song is because he has to tell the story of his descent into homeless wandering. The next part practically says he's an asshole etc etc. Now society will never be able to admit to it's responsibility in the forming of a homeless person or a vagrant in general. Nor will they admit to drug users being about. But at the point that they can regret you're existence, it's because you finally did something that grabs their attention. In here he blames society for his own descent, which I would do too. Not going to blab about how I relate to this part, it's quite obvious. I have so many blabbing about what's wrong with the world, with me, and my parents here.

(And he said)
Far as I can tell, 
it's just voices in my head.
Am I talking to myself? 
'Cause I don't know what I just said. 

I honestly think everyone's a schizophrenic. Besides the existence of a conscious and ability to think to yourself you're always going to think that what you're thinking isn't actually a product of you. Now people do tend to have most ideas instilled in their head by others though. I've had these feelings. I even made a saying. I have a split personality and their all named *INSERT NAME*. And I have heard voices in my head, but when I realized it was just my mind wandering I ignored it. But the last line, there are the points where I don't know if I said something aloud or in my head. I have the same suspicions with others. Sometimes I feel like I'm hearing them in my head more than in my ears.

(And she said)
Far is where I fell, 
maybe I'm better off dead.
Am I at the end of nowhere? 
Is this as good as it gets?

Someone that made it to the end. He characterizes guys as born to fail and girls as successful. But many business men commit suicide, not just the unsuccessful ones. No need to elaborate here. Haven't reached the point of success yet. At least not in the business world.


I will be home in a while, 
you don't have to say a word.
I can't wait to see you smile, 
wouldn't miss it for the world.

Now he's talking to a loved one. Probably not his parents. If I were to leave I'd be talking to Blue when I came back. Blue, then Chentos, then Twerky, then probably Whilo. Oh how I love that I have so many nicknames for my friends. But he's talking to a girlfriend here. One he ended up leaving behind. I know that I'd never be able to leave behind Blue, but there's always the chance that I wouldn't be leaving her because my feelings would be gone and we'd be on bad terms. But I prefer not to think of the negative what-ifs. But if I were to leave, even if Blue weren't my special someone and just a special friend, I would run through a minefield to see her smile. Her smile that would brighten up my day.

Adam's Song

So this song is really dear to my heart and one that I highly sympathize with. The level of empathy I feel radiating from "Adam's Song" by Blink 182 is beyond me honestly. It was written by Mark Hoppus talking about how depressed he was feeling while on tour from being lonely. Now while I've never gone on tour, especially with Tom Delonge and Travis Barker. I'd imagine from the videos their tourbus is normally a pigsty everywhere except where they sleep. On a darker note, it's also been said that it was inspired also by a suicide note they recieved from a kid before he committed the dastardly act. Such a dark and morbid song, it's a surprise it came from Blink 182. But it ended up with more meaning when they stopped playing it at concerts after a DJ with the first name Adam committed suicide. For those wondering the reason they titled it "Adam's Song" is because Adam was the first man and there before Eve. The song is centered around the feeling of loneliness and God only made Eve because Adam was feeling lonely. This song led to more controversy though when a survivor of Columbine hung himself to it on repeat. I'd have to say this song has gone through some pretty rough shit.

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known?
I trace the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

The first line requires no explanation so I'll just start with the second. Ever heard the saying the saddest person smiles the brightest, etc etc? Well that's what he's referring to in "I laughed the loudest who'd have known?" He's saying he's been really sad so when he does find something funny, he's going to end up laughing his ass off. I honestly do that, even though "Misery loves company" a saying that horribly rings true, you're still going to be willing to cheer up. For those that don't understand though, "Misery loves company" means that when you're sad you tend to do things that lead to you being sadder rather than happier. After some short extensive research I read to find that the next two lines either refer to the cord being life and he's saying he thought about it and it never really mattered, or talking about Tom's guitar amp almost electrocuting him but it wasn't plugged in. I prefer to go with the former though, sounds more fitting to the song. Originally I thought it was saying that he thought about it and realized that everything seemed so much more dramatic than it actually was. Otherwise known as he created his own melodrama. The reason he uses the term "cord" is because it's like you're playing a song on the guitar and it sounds loud as fuck and then you find out you're amp wasn't plugged in and it was all you. It semi-fits with what I agreed with after reading online. Again, can't stress how much I feel this song when I hear it and it's had it's moments where it almost brought me to tears. Over the past year I've had too many first world problems in my head and overly exaggerated feelings of loneliness,self-pity, and hate. Now the next two lines allude to a song by Nirvana "Come As You Are." The way I see it is he's saying that he took his time when it came to feeling depressed and let it build up, then when he realizes how lonely he is it hit's him fast. He could've stopped it by actually thinking it out but instead just went with what he already was thinking. Last part is obvious, he's saying he's going to commit suicide and his loved ones are going to know that they could've stopped it by maybe noticing or saying something but were to caught up with their own lives to notice. Something along those lines. Honestly though, the only thing keeping me tied to this fucked up plane of existence is because I know that if I were to decide to leave Blue might blame herself. She might think it's cause of feelings about her that I lost worth in my own life. I don't want her to, so I can't. If I'm ever to commit suicide, it's going to be because I'm the last of my friends alive and I don't have any kids or grandkids to be concerned about me.

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

The refrain I find really hard to interpret because it alludes to his highschool years, where I've only had one and not even a full one yet so excuse my broad explanations. Ok he's saying he didn't grow up a chick magnet and barely ever had anyone to call his girlfriend. His times in Highschool though were his glory days where he didn't have to worry about anything. He couldn't wait til' the summer came either, where there'd be even less stress. The world just seemed so big but now he knows that it's a lot more general than he thought. The second half of that line I'd have to guess is saying it's too late for him to try to change the world, or try to change his outlook on it. Now remember, this song was written while on tour where he felt lonely cause Travis Barker had a woman, him being a notorious chick magnet it's no surprise, and I believe Tom had someone he'd been with for 3 years. So at the end of the tour think of the relief he felt to finally be home. The last two lines can embody the saying "Misery Loves Company" even though it doesn't sound like it. He's saying he's off and he doesn't want others to know. What that really does is cause you to feel worse. He's also probably talking about jacking off also. He's reminiscing about being a highschool but without any chicks to go to, so of course he's going to be talking about that. For the parts that I do understand, I would have to say I'm already feeling that. Except I know how fucked up the world is. Also, not to be cocky, but slowly I've gotten better looking. Last year I was a fatass slob that honestly disgusts me. I lost a shit ton of weight over the summer and got bulky. I've learned to manage my hair too and dress well. I'm on my way to get bait.

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

Obviously he really wants to emphasize how lonely he feels by repeating the first line. The following just repeats it again, he's saying he didn't make a big enough impact for anyone to care enough to remember him after awhile and he'll just slowly fade into a forgotten memory. But he wants to be remembered, so he wants his stuff to go to his friends. They'll have a sentimental value to him. I have kept everything that's not food that I've received from Blue. Which is a Kandi bracelet, brand new, and a stuffed cupcake. But, again not to be cocky, I know I'll be remembered. Apparently I have a habit for melodrama but I never wallowed that much in self-pity. But also, even though he doubts he'll be remembered, he plans to hang himself in his room. They're not going to want to go in there because that'll be their biggest memory of him, atleast what he thinks. Now if I were to commit suicide I'd do what my friend Twerky said she'd do and do it somewhere away from home so as not to leave the memories for my family. Now most songs are kind of like a short story where each line fits with the previous but this song isn't totally linear to me. We see again a random item, but it's a memory. Probably from him as a little kid pissing his pants. I know I know, it says Apple Juice, but trust me, that stuff looks like piss when they're both in a bottle. This part is said to have been revealed to be of personal memory though. Now that I think about it, when I explain songs I don't go totally linear either. Now we know he's not talking to his parents. I think he's talking to "Josie" a recurring character in songs who's his dream girl but is also nonexistent  In this part, I'd expect if I committed suicide at my age I'd be doing it in my room where my brother would find me. Obviously I'd leave a suicide note though, I'd want people to feel less bad about me dying and not blame themselves. But because it's his dream girl he's talking to, she's going to have a good relationship with his parents too who would tell them and console them. Me doing what he's talking about though, I can't lie, it would partly be my mom's fault. It's just my family, this world, and my feelings of longing for Blue. Three players with all their minions tearing at my mind.

I never conquered, rarely came
But tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

A rewrite of the hook but set in future tense. This is probably one of the few things that keep me going. HOPE. YES HOPE. I'm known to be as optimistic as I am cynical. It's because I know how real the world is and know the negatives of man, but I still know how to put a bright turn on things. I've learned that I know how to make things look good just as much as I can make them look bad. This is him reviewing why he should and shouldn't commit suicide. He's saying maybe things will chang efor the better and he'll feel like life is worth it again. THE WORLD IS WIDE. In a literal sense there's more to explore. And as he explores the world times just going to pass by like nothing. It's past the tour now and he lived through it. It's in his past. He just wants to go home and jack off now.

I believe this was the suicide note by the kid that helped to inspire the song. Not definite though.

WATCH THE WORLD BUURRRRNNNNN!

You watch the world burn but who set the fire
The menace called man fueled by desire
With ill regard for the thoughts of others
The world, the earth, nor mother or brother
They just want what suits them the most
Then to the "lower" they sit and boast
But when they're judged they're bottom rung
Was the destruction to the top worth the fun?

My Day of Wonder

So I happen to believe in there being a meaning to everything that happens. Besides obvious things like dreams, which I always strive to interpret, especially since I've had some violent ones matched with lovedrunk ones, there's those moments where it's "luck". I think it's metaphysical and is a sign. For example, yesterday I found 4 condoms, unopened, unused, brand new. I took it to mean one of three things. Meaning one-you're going to have fun. Condoms relate to sex and a common term I used for "have sex" is "have fun". So finding condoms means fun is to follow. Next meaning is that I was going to get laid, which I doubt would happen because I have other motives in life. Third meaning, which I take to be the one that I think is accurate, is that I was going to get lucky. Because having sex can be called getting lucky. And well, today and yesterday have been some pretty nice days. I'd say these past two days have been really lucky. I don't want to bother to go over in depth but yesterday I found a gift card on the ground, and it had 10 bucks in it. Today I got up early, had energy despite my deprivation, had it where Blue started the conversation with me, and I played videogames with her until she had to eat. There were other things, but these are what I can name off the top of my head. Fancy smancy strokes of luck. Oh and I made this nice drawing I've titled "The Epitome of Man". It's a balloon with a whole bunch of words that I put in it in bubble letters that describe the life of a human being. I went so far as to put in the seven deadly sins, life, death, emotions, and other aspects of human life. Then I drew a weight on it that said "Man" that was tied to the balloon. It's because we're always going to make things seem like more than they are and we're always going to carry those aspects around either in our thoughts or our personalities. The other highlight of the day is my math teacher switched out with another one and I actually learned today. We were studying up for the SOL and she went through it and taught us really well. I was just like, "Why he no do that magic wonder teacher stuff? Why we no have her?"

All day I was getting comments on how it looked cool. Including from people I don't normally talk to. I mean like whole class commented on it. Like I said, today's been a day of wonder. Had it up for about 10 minutes and got 3 likes also. Accomplishment accomplishment accomplishment. I even was conversational with my brother's girlfriend, who I'm normally outwardly hateful to.

The Feeling Of Being Forgotten

For those that can't tell, the tear says "Blue" and the person
crying is supposed to resemble me. Took the picture a week
ago.

Have you ever felt like the people that you were close to just stopped noticing you. Or that have you involved in their daily routine just stopped doing those parts of it? Well today I've been sulking and having the feeling of not being a part of anyone's lives anymore, atleast not the ones that matter. There was a moment that didn't really matter if I was a part of their life, but I still felt like I wasn't existent anymore. The only way for you to be "alive" is to be remembered. If no one remembers you, you're like a spectre you just watch the world go by and interact lightly, barely being noticed. So today my brother, who I've started getting distant from again, was supposed to pick me up. He's supposed to pick me up everyday. I did my usual, after school I go to wait for him and call him 5 minutes later if he's not there. He picked up right away and said he'll be on his way, he wasn't tired either. Normally if he doesn't pick me up my dad does. Right after I hang up on him my dad calls and ask if I need to get picked up. This wasn't even the first time to happen this week, it happened on Wednesday also. But then at school...I had Health. It's the one class this school year that I share with Blue. I wasn't capable of being social. We were doing this thing outside, practicing casting fishing lines, because we were done with Health for the school year. I'm in Blue's group with two other friends, the people I normally talk to in Health. No one noticed I was sulking...not like that part matters. I did my practice when it was my turn and as usual I did joking stuff. But when it wasn't I was just off on my own. Blue was busy playing with the other guy in the group, a guy she formerly had a thing for and probably still does. They noticed she was off at the start of class...but not me. I just felt like I was a part of the scenery. I was sulking because I just hate myself. It's pure and simple. Because if I didn't decide I'd pursue Blue, maybe I'd atleast be able to interact with her like a normal person. In person, I can't say shit. My mouth gets tied up. I mumble when I do manage to squeeze a word out. I can be loud, oh boy can I be loud, but when it's just me and her(By that I mean no one else I normally interact there), I don't know what to say. I can only stare, smile, and try to speak but gibberish comes out. I ruined the best friendship I could ever ask for because I got needy, greedy, lonely. So many things I became. I wouldn't say desperate though. Desperate is me asking some random chick that I knew liked me and just using her for her affection. I say needy because I was always dependent on Blue and I decided to ask her for the affection I held for her. Greedy? Well that's because it was too ambitious, I wanted the finer option or none at all. When I got home it was normal too. My parents don't know me. I ask how their day was like I normally do and they answer. My dad asks me how mine was and I say fine. It wasn't even in a happy voice. It was in a sad, depressed tone. I walked in looking sad. When my brother was driving me home I had a grimace on my face and just stared out the window with the wind blowing in my face. But none of them notice anything, not like it matters. I'm not close enough to them to open up to them. I'm more willing to open up to a stranger. When I got into my room I just locked it, grabbed the nearest bottle, and smashed it. I have a punching bag. But beating up a punching bag isn't destructive, it's recreational. I want to just punch my wall, which is drywall on some type of backing, until it breaks. I want to grab a glass bottle that I saved from sparkling cider and just smash it on the ground. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing your anger in a physical for through the destruction of something that isn't supposed to be broken. I now understand what is going through a serial killer's mind. They just want to be noticed for once, and they also have no better way to remove their anger.

Watch Me As I Blink

So, of my many favorite bands Blink 182 will always be in the top five. There's other groups such as Sum 41 and Fall Out Boy, but sadly most of the bands I like have broken up. Sum 41 recently lost their drummer. Fall Out Boy got back together in the past few months or something. Blink 182 broke up also, only to be reformed later. Other bands that I happen to favor highly are Rise Against, a punk rock band that speaks out against government a lot; Three Days Grace; and Weezer, which sadly departed after the death of a member; and of course the almighty Papa Roach. My top Five at the moment? Well it goes Blink 182, Sum 41, Fall Out Boy, Weezer, then Three Days Grace. At other moments I would've put Papa Roach or Rise Against up there but I'm not in that type of depressive mood for Papa Roach or in a happy mood for Rise Against. But back to Blink 182. They're one of those bands where they're a rare occurrence for what I enjoy with them. Besides that fact that they release just as many sad as happy sounding songs, they can release a happy song and it's actually got a serious meaning. They're songs also contemplate a lot of the thoughts going through a teenage mind, so I easily sympathize with their meaning. But also, with most bands I only like one album and any other it's just the singles. Blink 182 I listen to "Enema of the State", "Dude Ranch", "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket" and "Blink 182". My personal favorite is Enema of the State, where I can state most songs on it by hearing them. But that's most people's favorite. Dude Ranch is pretty nice, it's from when they had their original drummer. With the singles Josie and Dammit it's pretty good. Josie is about a dream girl, while Dammit is about a guy seeing his ex. Take Off Your Pants and Jacket came after Enema of the State, shown by it's first song "Anthem Part Two". Then there's the singles I remember from it "First Date" and "Rock Show". First Date literally states a lot of the nervous things a guy would feel on a first date. Rock Show, well Rock Show is plain and simple. I would LOVE to fall in love with a girl at a rock show. It's also where I'd imagine my first date with a girl would be, because rock shows are one of those experiences that are unforgettable, and I'd want the first date to be easily remembered for me and her. "Blink 182", the self-titled, has a lot more depressing songs, so it's slowly become an album I listen to more often. Always is one that I've happened to listen to a lot more often. Down's pretty sick too. So as you can see now, Blink 182 is a band that I will always enjoy. I'm pretty happy that they got back together to. I want to see the Urethra Chronicles, but sadly it no on Torrentz.