The Feeling Of Being Forgotten

For those that can't tell, the tear says "Blue" and the person
crying is supposed to resemble me. Took the picture a week
ago.

Have you ever felt like the people that you were close to just stopped noticing you. Or that have you involved in their daily routine just stopped doing those parts of it? Well today I've been sulking and having the feeling of not being a part of anyone's lives anymore, atleast not the ones that matter. There was a moment that didn't really matter if I was a part of their life, but I still felt like I wasn't existent anymore. The only way for you to be "alive" is to be remembered. If no one remembers you, you're like a spectre you just watch the world go by and interact lightly, barely being noticed. So today my brother, who I've started getting distant from again, was supposed to pick me up. He's supposed to pick me up everyday. I did my usual, after school I go to wait for him and call him 5 minutes later if he's not there. He picked up right away and said he'll be on his way, he wasn't tired either. Normally if he doesn't pick me up my dad does. Right after I hang up on him my dad calls and ask if I need to get picked up. This wasn't even the first time to happen this week, it happened on Wednesday also. But then at school...I had Health. It's the one class this school year that I share with Blue. I wasn't capable of being social. We were doing this thing outside, practicing casting fishing lines, because we were done with Health for the school year. I'm in Blue's group with two other friends, the people I normally talk to in Health. No one noticed I was sulking...not like that part matters. I did my practice when it was my turn and as usual I did joking stuff. But when it wasn't I was just off on my own. Blue was busy playing with the other guy in the group, a guy she formerly had a thing for and probably still does. They noticed she was off at the start of class...but not me. I just felt like I was a part of the scenery. I was sulking because I just hate myself. It's pure and simple. Because if I didn't decide I'd pursue Blue, maybe I'd atleast be able to interact with her like a normal person. In person, I can't say shit. My mouth gets tied up. I mumble when I do manage to squeeze a word out. I can be loud, oh boy can I be loud, but when it's just me and her(By that I mean no one else I normally interact there), I don't know what to say. I can only stare, smile, and try to speak but gibberish comes out. I ruined the best friendship I could ever ask for because I got needy, greedy, lonely. So many things I became. I wouldn't say desperate though. Desperate is me asking some random chick that I knew liked me and just using her for her affection. I say needy because I was always dependent on Blue and I decided to ask her for the affection I held for her. Greedy? Well that's because it was too ambitious, I wanted the finer option or none at all. When I got home it was normal too. My parents don't know me. I ask how their day was like I normally do and they answer. My dad asks me how mine was and I say fine. It wasn't even in a happy voice. It was in a sad, depressed tone. I walked in looking sad. When my brother was driving me home I had a grimace on my face and just stared out the window with the wind blowing in my face. But none of them notice anything, not like it matters. I'm not close enough to them to open up to them. I'm more willing to open up to a stranger. When I got into my room I just locked it, grabbed the nearest bottle, and smashed it. I have a punching bag. But beating up a punching bag isn't destructive, it's recreational. I want to just punch my wall, which is drywall on some type of backing, until it breaks. I want to grab a glass bottle that I saved from sparkling cider and just smash it on the ground. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing your anger in a physical for through the destruction of something that isn't supposed to be broken. I now understand what is going through a serial killer's mind. They just want to be noticed for once, and they also have no better way to remove their anger.