My Miserabality

Yes, miserabality, don't believe it's a real word. But I'm using it to say, I'm really really miserable. I've been such a bitch lately towards Blue and I don't even know why. I even started having it where I'm just laying down, letting my thoughts wander, there's gruesome scenes that I don't even know where they came from. It's as if I'm developing contempt for her. FOR BLUE. Like fuck no, that can't happen. Why the hell would I be mad at Blue? I try to think on why, just like I'm trying to refigure why I love her so much, and it just leads to massive headaches and frustration. I've even had points where I just want to break shit. Not just any random stuff, but the Kandi bracelet she made me and a stuffed cupcake I got from her on my birthday. But, earlier today when I got home and slept to escape life I had some pleasant dreams, dreams that I hope to come true. Dreams of her being my close friend again. Of her and I playing together. Something that I wish that could happen. I just know though, if she were to hug me, I would probably hug her back and burst out crying at the same time. It'd mean that much to me because I've felt so distant from in for so long. Well not real long, a couple of months or so. But those months have felt like years to me. And I mean shit, I'm miserable now because I gave up something that kept me happy. I gave it up because it caused us to get distant. I gave it up because I wanted it to give me more of a chance to get to being her friend again, cause I doubt she would even consider calling me an acquaintance. I tore down any bonds she and I had when I started pursuing her. I pursued her viciously and pressured her too much. So any chances I had with her were torn apart. Our friendship is in scraps that I've so vigorously tried to force back together. I haven't tried to give it time, something I've never been good at. Sometimes though, sometimes I don't think she cares that much if we become close again. But I would prefer to live miserable for years if it means that I'm more suitable for her. But I'm afraid that doing it isn't going to prove it's worth. Yea, I'll become suitable on one level having stopped something that pushed us apart. But when I'm miserable I'm also a sadistic, anti-social, unfunny asshole. I may still make jokes, but they slowly get meaner and meaner and stop being jokes all together. Last time I felt miserable, and it was a fraction of how miserable I am now, I became the kid the whole class hated. I don't want to go back to that. That'd definitely seal my fate and I'll never be her friend again. Not if I'm going to be a hateful bastard that will act like he's on a roid rage when he's mad.