Happy Easter

Happy Easter to all those celebrating. It didn't really feel like Easter to me. I went to Brunch with my cousin and my grandparents. We didn't have a basket so went to a nearby Rite Aide and bought my grandma a whole bunch of chocolate. There wasn't any thought put into it. Then I returned home to derp in my room and sleep. A really sad Easter if you ask me. Then I was listening to random songs and "Pieces" by Sum 41 came on and I kinda had a serious feel from it. Especially this part:

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

I've tried being the person people want, and it's just plain painful. I have to be me, not some other fake facade. Some people may look down on it when I act relaxed about everything and can be cocky, but that's me. It's still possible for me to be humbled. But unless you did something to earn my respect, you're no more significant to me than a rock outside. And it started off easy. Doing all my work, going to sleep on time, fitting my life to a schedule. But it was empty. To conform to what other people want means serious sacrifice. There's only one person I think I'd ever change for. She knows it too.


If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

Yea I'm just going to analyze how I relate to this song. This embodies what I feel. I think that me being stuck int he "friendzone" and how I literally put myself in it by wanting to talk deep and letting people know that I'm always there to listen, well that it's intentional. Of course not on purpose, but the mind is a wonder in how it knows what you really want when you don't. I always complain about not having a girlfriend, and how I just want someone in my arms. But no, I don't think I do. Me being the deep man that talks to girls about their feelings and what's wrong is my subconscious saying I want friends. I prefer kinship. Friends last longer than someone you had a thing with. And in the end, my closest friend is always the girl that I love to an undefinable extent.

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it's the only thing that I have

I don't want to leave. Even though I hate my house, my neighborhood, my city, my country. I could never imagine myself leaving any of it. Even though I hate it, it's also where my memories are. It's where my friends are. But also "this place" is where I'm at in life. I'm always tempted to move past friends with people, but I never get anywhere when I give in. That it managed to fuck me over so much that I can't really pick myself up sometimes doesn't matter. It's where I'm at and I'm happy here.

Overall it's a pretty sad song. But I think sometimes it is just me choosing to be alone and without a girlfriend. In the end, it's friends that really matter. If I didn't have anything to tie me down to this horrible and fucked up world I love and hate so much, I doubt I'd be here right now to complain about it.

*Sigh* Writer's Block

Well I've become content again. I realized all the doubt is because I started overthinking everything. Not the best thing to do. But I can't really think of anything to write. Tomorrow's Easter. Good night world.

It's Not Mine To Tell

So I was listening to a youtube mix as I have been a lot recently and a song came up that I remembered from my earlier years (5 years ago). It was "Dirty Little Secret" by All American Rejects and I remembered the video. The video is split between the band playing and people holding up postcards with secrets on them. I've been intrigued by it because some of the secrets sound retarded like one where the guy is saying that he likes how his poop smells and I thought most of them were bullshit. Turns out they came from a web blog called "PostSecret" which anonymously puts up postcards from people telling their darkest secrets. Well, I have some dark secrets. Really dark secrets, ones I don't like to share. There's others that I would like to think are secrets but all that is missing is me admitting to them. The biggest one is well, I love my bestfriend, but she sees me more as a brother. All my friends know it and I don't care to deny it but sometimes I have trouble admitting it. It puts strain on my ability to talk to her, and she knows it too. Sometimes all I want to say is "I love you" to her, but I can't. I used to do that but then screwed up with her, which led to all those incessant meanings and raps about suicide. She got fed up with my constant expressing feelings for her and calling her lines like "Boodagel Blue". It was right also because I would have hated to have the same treatment from someone I didn't like back. I occasionally end a conversation with "Bye" "Love you Blue" but it's not the most common thing. Back to secrets though, I have so many I wish I was let in on. All that it does is make my ego evolve and I start thinking they're something to do with me. Mostly because the ones I want to know are kept by Blue. I doubt they do involve me though. But she literally goes, "Huehuehuehue I have a secret". Never. Going. To. Be. Shared. With. Me. Though. The fact that I know how to keep my mouth shut means it either is really private, concerns me, or she just wants to taunt me. She knows I have to know a secret, I JUST GOTS TO. Well All American Rejects are kind of in my past but I do still like their music. I kinda feel a connection with some of their songs but that's obvious with how teens feel problems. All they're doing is expressing them in song. I should send some of my secrets into Post Secret though. I really should. I also kind of want to volunteer for a hotline. The one where you go there to tell random strangers your secret. One that someone would call because they're contemplating suicide. I'd be able to do good if I were to. With all the problems I've been faced with, I want to help and can. There is one secret that I will share though. When I get sent a picture from a girl I like, especially the ones I feel deeply for, I always keep it when they're in it. Even if it's not their face. Just a little bit, even a foot, I hold onto it. Is that wrong?

PostSecret

Who Are You?

So I was talking to Blue and it was about girls..I think. Well it was about rating. I said that honestly I've never been able to rate someone somewhere between 2-4. Really I barely rate a 5 either, I gave her that but it's because she was saying she was a 3. And I like her so I don't want to overdo shit. Really I think she's more like a 6. So I said 5 or 6. But there's a reason why I don't normally do 2-5. It's because I can't notice the wrong in someone, nor the ugly in them. I can see if they're fat. But I just got a naive haze over my eyes that prevents me from finding problems with people. I think I just don't want to judge people. I just want to see them for them. It gives me a reason why 1 is still in there. I can notice the really obvious stuff. But there was one girl that I was always told was a butterface but I never noticed she was ugly until she was at school after being sick and just looked horrible. I honestly think that a girl that wears a lot of makeup is ugly. Embrace how you look naturally, being fake is accepted in this society to too far of an extent. It just sickens me when a girl can't enjoy her body for what it is. But then Blue mentions the Love Guru which has some guru that doesn't see people physically but personality wise. A beautiful person is beautiful because they're personality appeals to them. I think that's actually the way it works with me sometimes. I do know for a fact though that I'm really blind when it comes to a girl I like and realizing she has some facial problem. I had a crush on one girl once and didn't realize she looked like a guy. I still don't think it that much, her personality wasn't that bad either. The girl was just stupid, and a Directioner. But I didn't realize she was stupid until after I had a thing for her and lost that thing. I don't like seeing people as some object for sex, it's just wrong. Like literally I have girls I could date, probably fuck too. I just don't want to. I want to find a girl that I like. Even when I find one that likes me back I'm not going to try to screw her. I'd much prefer to just have her over to hold in my arms and love. Of course kiss her though, no tongue. I want someone to hold in my arms more than someone to get my dick wet.

Growing Up

So I've thought back on how my school year's played out so far and thought on how different I was at the beginning of it. At the beginning of the school year I was naive, ignorant, stupid. I got suspended this year which was a big smack to the face to grow up. I've had an emotional year too. It's been the first time in awhile that I've cried. Not some crap like crying from pain or because I got insulted. I've cried because I finally can admit to myself what I've done wrong. I've cried because I stopped ignoring my problems, letting them pile up, and causing trouble for myself. I've come to terms about the injustice I've done my friends. Crying isn't something that babies do. You always see it, even though it's on t.v., a person crying. The main character never cries like a baby. They silently have tears going down the side of their face as they cry. That's how someone's supposed to cry. It shows they've been carrying a burden for too long. I already know that me going back to school is me going back a different person. I'm not the immature little brat that led his friends astray anymore. I'm going to be the friend they deserve. I'm not being cocky when I say that I'm like the big brother of my friends. I'll protect them and stick my neck out for them. I honestly don't care what happens to me, as long as they're safe. But I'm not going to stand in the way of their attempts to reach happiness either. I'm going to be the one that guides them, not controls them. I can't force them to change and conform to what I think is right. Everyone has their own moral compass and they calibrate it themselves. I just have to properly guide them. I'm not the compass but I'm the directions on the map. They can follow me however they want, but it's up to them. It kind of makes me think of "Like Toy Soldiers" by Eminem. He's talking about how he doesn't want trouble anymore. He doesn't want to see people dead. He's coming to terms with how much he's done wrong as a prominent figure on the rap scene. Admitting he needs to lead the right way. I don't want to see my friends fuck up and hate themselves. I want to see them happy.

Youtube Rappers

So I've recently started to listen to a lot more rappers that haven't been able to become mainstream, but have become popular on Youtube. There's always been G Eazy, he does concerts but he's not that well known.  But then I started listening to his feature act, Hoodie Allen. Then I listened to Skizzy Mars, who's a common feature. Hoodie is pretty nice, in fact I like a good amount of his music. Even though some of it is him bragging about where fame's taken him, he portrays a good message. Just like how even though a lot of G Eazy is him talking about rolling in money and bait and doing drugs, he talks about girls in his songs a lot. He talks about all his emotional experiences with them and his blunders too. My personal favorites by Hoodie are "Eighteen Cool" and "Fame is For A*****es". Skizzy, I haven't listened to much of him. But back to other rappers. There's also Chiddy Bang, haven't listened to much of that Vanilla Chocolate duo but "Opposite of Adults" is pretty nice. Then Logic with "All I Do". And now another one I like quite a lot, YONAS. The guy's bald but he looks pretty chill with a hat on. His remix of "Pumped Up Kicks" doesn't have a total message in it, more like him introducing himself. But I still like it. And also that grin he has in the video can't keep me from seeing he has a reason to rap, and his speed just displays his skill. The last one I have to mention is Jake Miller. Even though I haven't listened to him much he has a nice message in "Like Me". The same beat was used by YONAS in another song too. I found most of these rappers through Youtube Mixes, they seemed a little retarded at first but I've taken a liking to them. They introduced me to these rappers, most of which are white. So now enjoy some of the songs I listed in here.

YONAS

Hoodie Allen

Chiddy Bang

To Lift This Burden

Have you ever wondered why leaders are rare? Why most people prefer to follow the crowd rather than be the leader of the crowd? It's because being a leader is a burden and a heavy one at that. It's taking responsibility for more than yourself. Every decision you make is going to eventually affect the rest of your friends and group. It's made me understand why the cow in the Chinese calendar is attributed to be natural leaders. A cow is a beast of burden used to push plows, pull carts, etc etc. I personally have fucked up quite a bit. I don't feel like I deserve some of the friends I have cause of it. I've been a negative influence as much as a positive one on my close friends. I'm a person that people would as easily rally behind as against. There's more guilt that I get faced with from every action, even the positive ones. I anticipate bad coming out of whatever I do. My biggest worry is that what I decided to do is going to blow up in my face even more than I expect. And every month my "family" grows. When I say family I mean friends, my personal family is horrible. This is how my house works. My mom lives in her room, my brother lives in the basement, my dad lives in the living room. I'm the only one that is ever out of my room and in the basement, then up in the kitchen and living room, and checking in on my mom. I'm the grown up. My parents and older brother are more like children because I'm the one that does the work. My family of friends though, I'm not in charge of all of them. Thank "god" I'm not in charge of all of them. But my level of influence spreads a good distance across them. It works just like any other family. There's direct and extended. My direct family is made up of friends that I consider close, and even then that grows every month. I just have that charisma that allows me to get someone to open up to me. People know to come to me and I let it be known, I will always be the one to listen. But a life alone is quite sad. Even though I have a crap load of friends and a lot of close friends that I could trust with any secret, I still feel alone. Any girl that I find to be a kindred spirit with a dark distorted side of her isn't interested in me. I become a brother figure instead. I guess that's what I will always be, the big brother. In my family of friends I'm responsible for a lot of them. If I didn't bring up some ideas they wouldn't be in some of the shit they are. People wonder why I always babble dark and deep lines of words about being alone and pained. It's because there's nothing else for me to feel. I thought it out and every single action I've made will lead to pain. It can bring happiness, but it always ends in pain. I guess it's the one reason I don't "Lift This Burden" because what would be the point? If I were to end it, all I'd be doing is releasing more sadness into the world. I just have to bear the burden. But sometimes I just don't think I'll last until my senior year, much less until the Summer. Not with all the pain I'm stuck feeling when I'm alone and by myself. If only my life weren't just a mixing pot of drama.

Bitches I be in this jaunt

Just sit back and watch me flaunt

My beast ass skills, My niggas be chill

And if there's one thing my rhymes they trill

I won't back down I got strength of will

I'll keep pressing on til' I get my fill

Gonna get a bitch, life will be great

Gonna get ripped, the good life it's fate

But until then I sit here spitting sick shit

Writing it down and then reciting it

Waiting til'the day that my smile is true

But until then I'll have to think of you

When I say you, you know who you are

The beautiful girl with character above par

You and I could go really far

But until then I sit here on the tar

With nothing to say to those passing by

Just waiting there for the right one to say hi

Of course it won't happen but yet I still hope

But until then at least my rhymes are still dope

So I'll hop off this mic and pass a round around

I'll get packing up so I'm out of this town

This I wrote awhile back but I don't really feel like talking about anything right now so here, have this. It's about 3 months old though so it doesn't really reflect me that well anymore though. Don't even remember what the meaning of it was.

Late With Nothing

Spring Whoo Whoo

So it's officially spring break, yes I realize I'm late. For me that just means more time to sleep and play videogames. In fact it means I'll get to play videogames because I've been so preoccupied with people on facebook I don't have time for anything else. I'm also going to work on my graffiti art and I already have two tags I want to try to make. So now I'll post those and leave you guys with art.

The Hole In My Colon

So I went to Buffalo Wild Wings today with my brother and his friends because it was 60 cents a wing. We did a really stupid thing, got 50 wings and none of them weren't hot. We had mango habanero, wild, and hot.  Boy was that fucking spicy. I had to order a soda so that I could eat them. I just sat there, it's hot as fuck and I'm shivering. SHIVERING INDOORS! I wasn't cold either. My hair isn't standing up on my arm I'm just sitting there chattering. And now I think I'm going to develop a hole in my stomach or colon. There was so much fucking HOT! on the wings. I'm surprised I ate my measly 5 that I took. Just my colon man. After I ate I thought I was going to puke and had drank a glass of coke for each hot wing I ate. Then I'm constipated with a bloated stomach. I want to go back there again on an empty stomach and get some wings that aren't spicy. That I believe would be a really nice experience.

Why Do I Have To Be Bi-Polar

Today was comparably pleasant to me. I've been ultra friendzoned by a girl though but I don't care. I think I fell in love for the third time. The first time it took me 2 months to admit it. The second time it took me 6 months. This time it took me 2 weeks. I found the one major similarity is that they have a dark side and air that surrounds them. But I did all my depressing, tear implicating, thoughts during school I just stopped caring about school and only go to please others. Only do work to please others. I couldn't give two shits. Only bright side to me is that I have art and gym and see friends. If it weren't for there I wouldn't be motivated that much to go. But now I just sleep in most of my classes, live a night life. My classes have become the time that I have deep thoughts about love and shit. I still do fine, I absorb everything that is relevant to the class. If I don't I can just ask my friends what I missed. But today when I came home I didn't have my depressing alone time. I took a nap and just talked. I mean I started just staying up to talk to the new girl I like. It literally moved from me having deep conversations with Blue, to me having deep conversations with the first girl I decided I loved, then to me having deep conversations with her. But I managed to mix in a lot more comedy with her than the other two. I think it's a sign of being comfortable around her.

Alone In This World, I Think I've Used This Title Before

"Loneliness I've held inside, felt and built from every stride

In this empty world I walk alone, even though I'm not on my own"

~Me

Yes I realize the douchebaggery in quoting myself but it's really relevant. And I started putting the quote from me on facebook too because I just realized, maybe people don't think I'm writing the deep, depressing, philosophical stuff I post there. But like seriously. It's going to sound retarded but all I really want right now is a girl that will hang out with me and let me hold her in my arms. I'm surrounded by friends, it's like charisma and just the fact that I know how to be funny. I just feel alone though, and the fucked up thing is I have people to talk to. I always have people to talk to and I do talk to them about my problems, but it just makes me feel even shittier. Like I was up this morning at 4 and ended up talking to a girl for 2 hours about feels and just problems in general. She gave me some golden advice that I've never received as of this morning, I need to play hard to get. She said I can't just go and compliment a girl and let her know I'm going to listen to her, they don't go for that. I have to act disinterested at points. But I can't fathom the idea of doing that. I consider it mean to not give someone the attention I feel they need. It's just my brain. I hate my brain. I'm a fucking genius but when it comes to a social situation I'm just the next retarded ignoramus. I can be deep and analyze stuff and figure out the meaning behind it, but I get confused by stuff that most people take for granted. Now I just feel a need to spread cheer, I can't stand the idea of someone being unhappy. I'm literally ignorant to the negative sides in a person. Even the negative appearance in a person. I can be critical of physical looks but I don't really care that much. It just takes forever for me to realize what's bad about a person. People take advantage of my naivety also. But being surrounded in friends doesn't help. Me having a deep conversation makes me feel just as bad about myself as when I'm sitting around to think about it. I don't notice what upsets me until I have time to think about it. Not even music will help because I just analyze it and realize a meaning in it that makes me feel sad. The happiest song has a dark side that I notice to it. When I don't see the dark side I just look up the lyrics and think about it if it's not already explained and it just makes me feel fucked. My life just feels pointless at points like this. I know that even though I can spread happiness in my immature, motivational, goofy way it never makes a dent in the true sadness that is the world. I don't want to sound like a douche but it's like a higher consciousness. I thought about it before and it's been shown that humans originally were beings of very high consciousness that normally spent their time on a different plain of existence and basically left their physical bodies on our plane. But it shows why there's the saying "Ignorance Is Bliss". It means that being unaware of your surroundings and what is really going on in this world means you never have anything to fear or worry about and you can just live life. The reason we've regressed to such a feral and unenlightened point in evolution is because our predecessors wanted us to be able to be happy. I just see the world as pain now, and I'll always be thinking about suicide but it's never something that I'll do. Even though I'm not making much of a dent in the despair felt in this world, me offing myself would only be a call for more trouble. And my friends that know I cry they don't think less of me for it. They understand my pain. And it's not some sobbing bawling brought on by having family problems or something. It's just the knowledge and realization of how fucked up reality is. I just have tears streaming down, tears of pain and agony that will always dwell in my soul, slowly eating away at it until I finally decide life isn't worth living. I used to always wonder why it was always the happier people that normally offed themselves. It's because the people that appear happier also have a much darker side. That darker side is why they act happy, they don't want others to have to deal with their problems. They want to spread the joy and happiness they wish they actually felt.

I'm Ready To Be Done

I think I'm ready to take my break from blogging early. I still have like 20 or so more days but I just can't think of shit to write anymore. This post is going to be bland, like simple as that. Good night world.

My Motherfucking Way

I stay high all day, cause that's my motherfucking way

If you don't approve bitch better stay away

I don't hang with bitches cause they'd ruin my day

I prefer to chill with ladies cause that's my fucking way

I'm not saying I eat a brownie laced with keif or

I sit around taking my puffs from the reefer

I'm saying I've reached the mental mind state

I see the whole picture, not just a scrape

It's just part of my way
Cause I could meditate
For a full day

I let my mind speak in every single way

I see the corruption found in our schools

They brainwash us and turn us to their fools

When we're full adults we don't know what's right

We only know what they shoved up our sight

They put it down our throats to let us know their want

But if we know more it's not something we flaunt

Knowing what's really going on up there

Puts you in jail, you can't stay here

So I stay high all day, cause that's my way

If you don't approve bitch better stay away

I don't hang with bitches cause they'd ruin my day

I prefer to chill with ladies, it's my motherfucking way

I barely chill with girls, it's normally just dudes

But that don't mean they're another source of food

If you got a problem best take it up with my crew

Better keep quiet cause I'm not in the mood

But when I say crew, I really mean friends

We a high level chill backing each other til' the end

You gonna mess with us be ready for the dread

But I won't be the fighter, my way's been said

So as I sit here spitting rhythm to y'all

And rhyming the words at a pace that would crawl

Imagine the world when improved by me feats

But right now lay back and chill to the beat

Fucccckkkk

So I forgot about this thing I maintain called a blog. I finally got to follow my usual sleep schedule. It's 4-6 hours plus afternoon nappy time on the school week and 16 hours on the weekends. I use the weekends to recover. Because of this rigorous sleep schedule I normally have to get all my work done during school, but I have 3 projects to finish on Sunday. The way I play it is when I'm at home I can take one nap in the afternoon during the school week. After that I get my weight lifting done and then possibly do my homework. Later on I do my thinking, maintain my blog, and play videogames. Normally homework comes last though. My weekend is I sleep whenever I feel tired, which is a lot, unless I'm hanging with a friend. It's just been my sleep habit and it keeps me from totally screwing over myself physically. But now I need to sleep more because of that party I went to but had to go to one today for my friend's birthday. That party has left me sore. I wokeup not being able to bend my back easily and having cramps in both legs and fucked up forearms.

P P P P PAARRRTTTTYYYYY!!!!!!

So yea, I went to a party. A party I'd been looking forward to for awhile but was ruined because of me having a fight with a certain someone last night. I knew I wasn't going to see her much at the party, I mean christ I left at 8 and she showed up at 7. I didn't even try to talk to her, the one thing I'd been looking forward to. I'd been looking forward to talking to her face-to-face and not over facebook. I'd been looking forward to hearing her still familiar voice. But I'm done. The party was fun though, I chilled with one of my friends for 2 hours before the party. Then I went to the party with him and I rode a zipline a couple of times, even got stuck on it. I learned to do a backflip and front flip on a trampoline. It was actually pretty pleasant. The major highlight was that I got to see my favorite teacher from last year, boy was that exciting. That party was crazy as usual, I gave 3 friends light shows. I fucked up atleast 3 times. It's been muddy and my friend stole my shoes when I got on a trampoline. I tried to jump from the trampoline to a dry patch but didn't make it and slid a yard in my socks. Then there was getting stuck about a story up on a zipline. I got down in like 20 minutes but that wasn't before my friends threw stuff at me, spun me while I was hanging upside down, took pictures, and I was stuck by my ankle and had to flip down so that I didn't snap my neck. The other funny fuck up is I was riding a BMX bike around that was going slow and I've done this when going fast where I hop off and walk with it, well I had to run with the BMX bike for some reason and flipped over it. The party was the bomb, until I saw her. I didn't expect her to say hi, in fact she didn't. She didn't even look at me, I knew she saw me but she didn't look at me. I was honestly expecting that the first thing she'd do when she knew where I was was go and slap me for what I've said. But I think she realized how much of an immature cunt she was being. It was just bad, because it took awhile for me to learn how to do a backflip and a lot of landing on my back and neck, good thing I didn't bounce that high though. That had me dizzy and disoriented. Then me having walked almost for the full day. That created fatigue. And last but not least her, it just was anxiety. I just sat there waiting for her to get it over with and smack me. I left before anything happened though. I'm happy that I left before anything happened, I was being a dick last night. Even though I was standing up for a friend I know I was wrong in saying some things I had said.

What the Fuck Bitch

Ok so I was talking to a girl and honestly, I'm still head over heels for her. It's not Blue, it's the other one. But she pissed me the fuck off. Telling me I need better influences and then starts insulting my brother and his friends. Like christ, I don't think she's a bitch but she just insulted a shit ton of people that I respect and owe. Anyone would get on the defensive. But then she goes and says that because she doesn't personally know them I can't get all defensive about her bagging on them. In my own opinion, the girl needs to get smacked. I would never do it, I can't bring myself to smack her. I still fucking love her, even if she can aggravate me. I also don't believe that violence solves anything, much less would help the situation. It'd be demeaning and too disrespectful for any girl to get smacked to the face by a guy in public. Ugh, and I'm going to a party tomorrow that she's going to be at. I was looking forward to seeing her but now, I don't know. But I'm not wrong in saying she should get smacked am I?

NEIGGGHHHH

I bid you all to play Robot Unicorn Attack and Robot Unicorn Attack Evolution. Not only are they both highly addictive and fun, but they also have the best music you'll ever find. I literally could just sit and listen to it all day long. Yea, this post wasn't planned to be long. Yes, I managed to fap today, hooray hooray, I'm not going to fap tomorrow though. I decided to try and stop and leave masturbating behind me, it's quite pointless. So anyways, enjoy Robot Unicorn Attack, or else you have no taste in flash games.


Robot Unicorn Attack

Do We Control Our Own Reality?

Fapless for 2 days straight. The subject's mental health is slowly deteriorating as his hormones build up but no wet dreams are had.
I'm just going to have an update until I actually manage to stay hard for more than a minute.

So you know the saying "I think therefore I am"? Well I find this saying to be quite valid and it can relate to metaphysics. In metaphysics or spirit science I commonly confuse the two because they're very similar your size and mental capacity to learn is based off of your level of consciousness. At a higher level of consciousness you will be taller, bigger, etc etc. This also affects your ability to tamper with reality. People that would go on to be considered gods or prophets were just more conscious of what reality was, more enlightened. This would give them the ability to alter the reality around them and appear to be of a higher power. The concept is at a certain point whatever you think becomes reality. Everyone can do this but to a different extent. The placebo effect is based off of this. You take a sugar pill and think it will help you therefore you do. Something like smoking tea but being told it's marijuana you should still get high from it because you'll expect to get high. Now, unless you have gotten high before you'd end up feeling what you expect to feel when you're high. You think, therefore you are. You think you're high, so you're high. This type of mindset is applied to gods by them just thinking of lets say the pyramids. Next thing they know, there's a pyramid there. It all gets down to good, hard, concrete theory though. There's nothing proven to show that you actually con conjure something out of thin air just because you thought of it. Right now though I'm on a total spiritual journey, I've started meditating daily. It really helps me to sort out my head and hopefully it'll allow to me fap again. But I just need to learn who I am before I can reach a higher level of consciousness. I have a lot of work ahead of myself before I can achieve this goal. It's going to be easier at this point though. With a haze where all I do is daydream I can easily meditate. Not doing work I guess can have a benefit to it.

Halp

I can't get a boner. No fucking joke. I can't get a fucking boner and it's starting to make me feel aggressive towards everything. Besides the fact it's not healthy for it to be so in a physical sense it's cause by a mental distraction in my mind. I've been feeling off all day and a bit in a haze, too busy daydreaming rather than being a functioning member of society. It's quite bad, too distracting and I have a project to do for school that was due last week. It's just I got girls on my mind. And as creepy as it is, after that one girl came over on Saturday I haven't been able to get hard for shit. Can't masturbate or anything. I can feel horny and want to jack it but I can't manage to. I've even tried looking at porn, all it does is make me feel more fucked with the fact that I can't fuck myself at this point. My hand has never felt so useless. Ugh, oh well. I think It'll wear off in a week or so. I just need to get out of the haze I've been stuck in. Just focusing in school is hard, I don't have linear trains of thought. I've started to just look at the big picture when learning stuff in class and then break it down piece by piece. I had all my work done fast, but I didn't have any work to explain how I got there. My mental computations are tweaked to a better condition from this haze. I guess that's the only positive. But being a lazy asshole as I have been, it's not fun. And then when I see something visually appealing, you know it should get me hard, I don't even get why I liked it. I look at chicks and I don't notice shit, it's just haze. This is not going to end well with my psyche.

Back To Being A Writer

I ended up deciding to write an auto-biography. Simple as that. I'm writing an autobiography talking about all my adventures and how I've developed. It sounds retarded to be writing a book like that at such an early age but I've had lots of deep thoughts and decided it's about time that I record those. I've already titled it and written the first two chapters. I've called it "Thoughts of a Detached Mind". I think if it were to be published it could blow up big. It also could get me in a lot of trouble if it were published while I'm still my parents child. It'd also be a confession to all the wrongdoings I've done so far. This blog obviously will be used to exemplify my mental growth over the years. Well, this was going to be a short post from the start. Good night people.

Ah The Disappointment

So today for me was a bit of a disappointment. First thing is that my brother was supposed to take me to pick up a friend around 12:00 and he was out and didn't get back until around 1:30 and I was worried she may think I was standing her up. The next thing is that I kinda liked her and I ended up leaving her in the car on the way back to my house to buy some stuff in the store my mom told me to pick up. The next thing that was disappointing is that all I ended up doing was watch Doctor Who with her on my laptop until she had to go home. It wasn't that bad but that's all we ended up doing and I was too nervous to actually do anything else. I didn't even clean the basement, it was messy as hell. And I really wanted to have some fun with her. Then I ended up being creepy by rather than watching Doctor Who I was too busy gazing over and admiring her pretty face. I'm really disappointed in myself. Especially when she started realizing I was looking at her rather than the laptop screen and asked me to stop. To keep it short, I didn't. But, oh well. She said she'd like to hang again sometime after I said she should. I'm pretty sure she was just being nice but I'm hoping she actually wanted to hang with me again. I kinda felt like a cat. I just wanted to put an arm around her and hold her. Then rub my nose in her face. Maybe her boob. Whatever.

Derpaderpyderp

Derpaderpyderpaderpderpderpderp. That translates to: I'm too tired to make a post. Fuck you guys. Just kidding. But seriously, no post.

Flippity Whoo

So my gloves came. Oh yus oh yus my gloves came. Sad thing is I have school tomorrow and had to work on a project so didn't have as much time as I wanted to toy with them. I already programmed all my colors too. I got a Blue set, a Red set, and a Green set programmed into them. No, I don't have a video made yet, but I will soon enough. Just decided that I can't keep making new videos when I'm always doing the same thing in them. I tried a thing with the gloves also, cutting the tips a bit so you can poke the lights through. After doing so I decided I don't like this modification. It destroys some of the illusion. With them stuck in the fingertips it illuminates the finger too. Basically I'm just going to start to listen to trap more often. That along with watching gloving videos in my bathroom as much as I can. But I still need to learn to tut. If I can't tut, well then I might as well die in a ditch. The basic tutting isn't cutting it and I need to practice a digit move also. I just can't loosen up my knuckles to do so. I need to hold the other fingers down with my thumb, which destroys part of the trick.

The Rave Scene Beckons

So I was bored and decided to create another gloving video. I also was interested to see a "hooping" video. It's what the name implies, a light up hula hoop. It was posted by a girl I know and about her friend wanting to get into a camp. Yes, I'm going to post the video if I can manage to. The first video I made using my fuzzy glove set was fucked because I was using a bad program so it just lagged the fuck out rather than taking actual video. I didn't implement anything new as far as I know. I don't really fit in a lot of the stuff that I developed or copied though. I mostly do a simple tutting setup mixed with rolls. I still want to learn to flail like [PM] Fry also. I got wrist flailing but I don't have double flailing the way he does it. Then again he's a master and I still consider myself amateur level. I consider Chesire one too but that's just because our stuff compared to the people on Emazing is amateur shit. Chesire isn't even as creative as me sometimes. He thinks that I need to do fingerolls and implement that into everything while I prefer to perfect tutting and flailing instead. Well now because I have 2 videos to post I'm going to cut off. My new set of gloves should be here soon, so expect a new post and a new video soon.

This girl Pois too, but now she does hooping. I want to master all forms of LED raving.

Can't wait to become a master. MUST PRACTICE IN MIRROR MORE!

BLURGHLEBLURGH

So I have nothing to post about. Nothing at all. I'm sorry people that I haven't had actual posts 3 times in 7 days.

:3 Nuff Said

Yes, I used an emoticon. AN EMOTICON. I used it in the title, something I think I've only done once or twice before. But today was just pleasant at first and then grew horrible when I got home, but I prefer to only talk about the pleasantries I faced today on here. It was health and we had bookwork that everyone finished early so we spent about an hour of the class talking and playing on our phones. That's not why I have a ":3" on though. Blue's in my Health class. There. That's the nuff said. I spent the class talking to and goofing off with Blue and one other friend. I just felt glorious. Sitting there right in front of her and talking with her whole class. And before I get judged for still daydreaming and talking openly about her as I have been it's no crime. I'm just expressing joy or sadness over things to do with her when I talk about them here. I just was ":3" faced a good amount of the class. This actually kinda ties into something my friend had been talking about. He finds the nerve to call me gay yet he will reference Twilight, TWILIGHT. HOW THE FUCK! But anyways, he managed to give me a mindfuck by telling me he imprints on girls and after I got done mocking him for referencing Twilight when he told me what imprinting was I read what it was and I was MindFUCKED. So basically it's how people would find soul-mates, specifically "Shape-shifters" such as Jacob. Well I feel as if I've imprinted on Blue because of the descriptions of how it happens. Besides them talking about the imprinter being highly over protective of the imprintee along with feeling pain from when they've upset them. They also feel a desperate need to please them. That was the first fuck. Then there's they don't like being away from them and when they are near them you feel all special on the inside. Second fuck. Third fuck was discussing the stages. There's 4 stages and I'm currently on the third (Again can't believe I'm talking about Twilight on here and no, I don't think I'm a fucking werewolf and that Blue eventually changes her mind). It says you start off as an older sibling like person and that was kinda second, I started off as becoming her best friend but I easily ended up calling her my little sister. The best friend is stage two. Third is when there starts to be intimate conversations and a romance develops but sometimes the imprintee doesn't return the feelings. Fourth is full blown love, devotion, etc. I could say that I'm on stage four but that would require Blue to have changed her mind. One big thing, I doubt Blue would change her mind.

Gorrillaz Can Bang A Beat

First off listen to DoYaThing by Gorrillaz

So recently I've been listening to the Gorrillaz a lot and honestly, they are awesome to glove to. Read up on them too, besides Wikipedia I got "Rise of the Ogre" and it's quite interesting. Haven't gotten far in Ogre, about page 30, but still interested. Now this post is because I finally ordered an eLite set from Emazing. Originally I had the intent to buy a custom set that I made where it was centered around red on the outside and blue on the inside, but then they came out with the Trinity chip. This chip is what I MUST HAVE. So I ordered 10 and 10 chip casing sets. I got 10 premium diffusers. After this purchase any following are only going to be for batteries and POIs/Flowlights when I decide to going into poing. I've been worried though about whether I'm wasting my money by buying gloves and other rave gear from Emazing. I have a natural talent for this stuff but I've been at a creativity blank and only created one new thing in a month. My moves have become repetitive too. You'll find this in the video that I'm about to post. This video is me using another glove set, the Crayon Glove Set from Emazing minus the thumbs. I hate using thumbs when they're eDotz. I have them in blacked out gloves, my personal favorite, and using cube diffusers. The song is Dare by the Gorrillaz. All I'm going to say is, well, NOODLE IS SOOOO FUCKING HOOOTTTTT!!! Gonna post the "Dare" video and my video now, goodbye internet.

Yea so actually watch this video

 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

Then watch the one below.

Oh yea, I'm shirtless and wearing a bandanna in this. Ignore the fact that it falls off half way through the video. My face stays covered overall and it's still hard to recognize me, not like someone would want to. I think it's funny that I've spelled "Fuckboy/Fuckboi" two different ways. I haven't decided which one to use.

A Higher Power

So I got into a large and long conversation about religion with a girl and got quite interested in Christian Science. I personally am an Agnostic but if I had to pick a religion I'd prefer to be Buddhist. Two reasons for this, 1: Unless you're the sect that's in Tibet you don't believe in a god, and 2: It's all about spiritualism and the path to enlightenment. There's Christian Science which is practically the same thing except with a god, or so she said. The only reason I'm an Agnostic is because I don't like the idea that there's supposed to be some high overseeing power that supposedly loves me and yet will allow disease to exist. That's the one thing in common with most Monotheistic religions. Now when you get to the ones that have more than one god I prefer them more. They show that even though they're gods they aren't perfect. It basically creates a government that you can't view or change. In monotheism they normally state "God" to be perfect and us made in their image. Well then God's a hypocrite because we get punished for things that theoretically he/she did him/herself. Then they say that disease and things that aren't accepted by the religion are forms of punishment. Well then haven't we been punished enough in life that we don't need to go to hell too? Like fuck, that, shit. If "God" supposedly loved us he would still have given us free will but not given us a chance to do wrong. He would've gotten rid of the temptation. But why does he punish those that he gave free will to? He should punish himself because at the root it's his own fault. (Yea I'm going to refer to "God" as a he) Now before I turn this into a full blown rant I'll end with Agnosticism. Basically it means you don't accept the existence of a god but don't say there is no higher power. It says live life and if you did it right you did it right, you did it wrong you did it wrong, but it's you're own decisions. It's cause of this stuff that I want to one day go around the world and spend months with religious societies. Hopefully I'll have made enough money to do so. The top two on my list are at a Buddhist monastery and with an Amish society. Amish people interest me to no end because of the belief that you have to work for everything and can't just be given it. That and I like Shepard's Pie. But to build my own house would be interesting. It's inspired by my belief in spirituality and spirit science. If you have time look them up on Youtube. Now enjoy the pictures and a video on spirituality. The video is more of on your heart though.

Yea... Nothing

So I've been feeling a little slow mentally lately. I can still learn but I can't use my creative side. Sorrys. This slump will eventually end though.

Nope, Nothing Again

Yep so mixed in the bi-polarity is also a lot of being bland, bored, and uninterested. So no actual post for today, sorry peoples.