Light It Up

So I've been thinking about it, and it's about time I made another video of me gloving. I put it off for so long because I was creatively stuck and couldn't generate new methods and flips. At this point, I can tut now. Not just finger tutting like before, but using arms and body. I also can do some digits, including digit tuts. I'd have a video for you people to watch now, but my elbow is currently highly screwed, as are my wrists. As always, my favorite mix is Blue and Green. I'd have said Red rather than Blue and Green but I screwed up my red set and the inners don't make it look like a fire as much as it has in the past. That's because I changed up the patterning. But, I do plan to make a fire set. Yellow tracers with orange and red mixed in. SkyBlue Lavender Hot Pink Candies. Red Yellow Pink Dops. Red Purple Pink Strobies. Just a crazy flare of fire. I did however pick out some dubstep songs to use when gloving. A nice, soft, mellow mix for my Blue and Green. A set that works well for liquid motions rather than hardcore impact, but there's fast spots where I can speed up to do my flails. I'd figure a way to work in my new tuts also. I just like how I listen to dubstep so often that I normally can tell when to expect a bass drop and a fast part. I tend to not even need dubstep most of the time, gloving to whatever music I'm listening to that I sputter and scat out as my own dub. My favorite hour long mix so far are the Best Dubstep Ever mixes by oNlineRXD. The mindfuck drops are especially nice because they fit with how I glove, besides me being able to strobe to it I can also do bassdrop moves. That's my usual music of choice now, dubstep. While I listen to rap and rock at school cause that's all I have on my phone, at home I normally have some mix by oNlineRXD playing in the background as I work or play Dota. Now please, without further ado. Enjoy "Filth".

And some supermixed version of The Fray's "You Found Me"

P.S. I still wanna give you a light show, and for those that think I'm talking to them unless you're her then you're wrong. I really hope she still reads this.

Just Call Me...Um...

So I've been busy trying to decide on a better glover name. While Mistodisapea sounds pretty chill, it's a mouth full. Fuckboi is a good name but it also sounds retarded, and I don't flip people off as much when I'm gloving. Now I've come across better ones, ones that are one syllable. I just honestly can't decide. Lets see first one is Blaze. Besides one of my favorite sets is a primarily red that I made on my Trinities and can never make again, one of my all time favorite dubs is Firepower by Datsik and I look like a burn victim with my custom mask on. Then there's my preferred one at the moment, Blink. Short and sweet. It relates back to my mask, but also because I tend to have a fast paced gloving style where when you blink you miss stuff. I've been working on changing that, incorporating more fluid and less impact and flips and flails and other things I tend to do really fast without thinking. Fluid can be done fast also, but it's best done slow. My next two are just because how my brother talks about my gloving. Squid or Ink. I do a lot of finger stuff where I wave them around in a wave or in other forms where it tends to look like tentacles. Ink goes there just because squids make ink, nothing real specific. I did finally program my gloves...again. I find the Oracles annoying as fuck to program with how much they compiled into one chip. Still glad I spent 100 bucks on it though. I let someone screw with the sets so I had to reprogram them. I went with my classic Red Green and Blue sets, then added in a white and rasta set. I find that the white set isn't the best made because I used warm white rather than white so it looks orange and milky. The rasta set only has the thumbs that resemble the rasta flag that well. I don't remember what I was thinking when I wrote it out in a facebook chat, so I didn't expect to get the prime that I made before. I even had my gloves out in class so I could show a friend the tracers. Knowing her she grabs one of the gloves and puts it on and is playing with it. Other people in the class are looking and when I said that they cost me 100 bucks they're just like, "He's joking right?" Well I wasn't. Thing is she, when I use she you should know who I mean and I won't bother to clarify, is in there cause it was French. I wanted to just walk up to her and just be like, hey I owe you a lightshow still. But, I'm not about to go up and bother her. I told her I'd only talk to her if it was important, and while gloving is of high value to me, she's not going to see it that way.

And um just saying, I would really REALLY appreciate comments from people. I get no feedback. I really would like some. Maybe even sympathy for my ideals or problems. Maybe a kindred spirit. Maybe someone to talk to.

I'M NOT SPONGEBOB

So if you don't understand the reference you had probably one of the shittiest childhoods ever if you're my age. Or you had bad college days if you're the age of my chem teacher. But, I finally managed to beat the stereotype that Asians should be kept off the road and passed learner's test. It seems like easy peasy shit, but this is something that I've put off a lot, like I turn sixteen in a few weeks put off. I could've had it the first time I tested but I decided I wasn't going to read the book and not know half the stuff I should. The second time? Well I was so tired I switched one of the answers I filled in around on the signs. You don't know how nervous I was waiting to take that damn test. I checked my answers maybe three times. Signs I checked thrice also. The rules of the road portion I made some pretty simple mistakes. I switched business and residential speed limits. I didn't know jack shit about driving and trying to pass a motorcycle. And I said it's everyone's responsibility to make sure a child is buckled up, rather than just the driver's. So some really retarded mistakes. I was even thinking "I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready" before I was taking the test. Of course, knowing the DMV, I had to wait an hour and by then I didn't feel so ready, more tired. So now I get to have four I.D.s 2 Student I.D.s, a Learner's, and my Walker I.D. A really old and funny one.

Blanks

I'm lost in thought but my mind flashes blanks
Fires in the dark but I'm stuck insane
The flare from the blast is nothing to see
It's all in my head I'm crazy but free
Free from this world but not from my mind
Running too fast so I can't tell the time
I only stand still just for a moment
And in those few seconds everything's morbid
Everything's dark, scary, and big
I tend to sit and think about what I did
But those thoughts trail off and I'm back to the start
My mind's flashing blanks, so I never travel far

My mind's just a road, a track with no end
Most people run but I'll walk til' I'm dead
No light at the end but a flare from a gun
I'd stare right at it cause I know that I'm done
I get lost in thought and shot back to life
I get stuck thinking if what I did was right
With my habit of running my mouth
I couldn't really tell when things went south

So my mind's flashing blanks but I can still see
I may be blinded but it's clear to me
Clear what to do even though I don't do it
Cause I'll say my words but not follow through it
The blanks paint a picture even though they're not there
The light that was left is leftover fear
The pain and disgust that I feel today
Is just from the blank that I fired away

Now as I said, on my bucket list is to record and make a mix tape. There's two problems with that, my "raps" are more of constant rambling with no repeated verse and sometimes they don't even tie together in the verse they're in. I could probably make a good set of songs though, somehow, only problem is I don't have any music to spit it to, much less proper equipment to record it. I could, no I should, talk to some people about getting my hands on that. Have someone mix a track or two for me. But eh, I'm still nervous as to what people I know may think, people that don't read this.

Well Today's Today

So, I haven't mentioned her as much on here in depth where she gets half the post, partly because she still reads this (I think), and partly because I didn't want to be a record on repeat spitting out the same verse. But today's her birthday. I was hoping that by now maybe she'd have come around and I'd have my best friend again. But as always, my low expectations come through. I'm weird in the fact that I'm an optimist as much as I'm a pessimist. I hope high and expect low. If anyone that actually pays attention to me here and doesn't just read to laugh at me, you should go to her page "Hipster Darth Vader" on Facebook and wish her a happy birthday. I hope things will eventually change back to how they used to be, but until then I don't know. I don't even know what I'd do if magically things changed back. Honestly I wish I was actually in a coma right now, and any moment I'm going to wakeup and it'll still be ninth grade before I started majorly screwing up. But that's me just letting my imagination wander. Most of the things that have occurred are too complex for my mind to conjure on it's own. Honestly, I'm referring to the videogames I've played, but whatever. I just hope things will change.

In Your Face

I've found myself to be a massive gloater. As you all know of my many material addictions one of my bigger ones is Dota, one that school has treated me for. Well, the heroes that I truly enjoy playing are the ones that I know I can gloat with the most when I'm winning. It's an effect of the low self esteem I've developed over the years, where anything that I excel in I have to make sure everyone knows it. At this point though, I actually tend to excel at a lot of things which makes me slowly hate myself more. I mean when I developed my self esteem problem I was fat, didn't have money that often, didn't have nice things in general. Only thing I had was how smart I was. I acted like this kid my friends and I refer to as a potato monkey, I always had to talk like I was the best even though I wasn't. Now I'm actually able to support my statements and things come naturally to me, why should I feel a need to brag? I was always so jealous of people then, I guess I had to make people feel jealous of me. But now? Well I only have a few things to be jealous of people for. A few weeks ago I'd have said their happiness, but now it's more their bliss. The fact that they manage to appear to stay at peace with everything around them and never get into conflict. Of course everyone is secretly fighting their own battles. But some just don't appear that way, I mean I don't appear that way outwardly either but I still get jealous of them. There's that saying that the person that seems to have things together the most has the most problems that s/he has to deal with. Like I see people that seem like they should be happier then anything, they have everything someone could want, but they're still unhappy. I'm not talking about those thankless little shits all over the internet that complain about getting the wrong colored phone and other pointless first world problems, not even first world more like spoiled shit problems, but I'm talking about the people that are polite, that do well in school, have a happy home, but still feel unfulfilled. They just seem at peace. Those people are the ones that I get jealous of. I may have some things now that I'm still relatively new to having, but it's human nature to want more.

Blacked Out

So I'm notorious for sleeping in class, but it's starting to change. Normally I slowly slip into my nighty night mode where I'm conscious and it slowly fades without me fighting it when it's in class. Now it's more of I knock out without the waking up sweating my ass off. I'll just have my head down, listening in class, I close my eyes and open them to someone telling me to wakeup. I don't even remember what was going on prior to my blackout. This is really bad for me because sleeping in Driver's Ed counts against me, seeing as I need a certain amount of hours in class. The thing is I value sleeping to a degree most people don't. It's not just because I don't get sleep at a regular pace as most, some days sleeping barely four hours while others almost the whole day, but because sleeping means dreaming. The most valuable thing to me besides camaraderie is expanding my mind. There's nothing better for expanding your mind than introspection into yourself. Now the best way to do that is meditate, because meditation promotes the development of images in your mind and a deeper level of thought. Now for me sleeping is like meditation. I have a deeper level of thought and dreams teach you a lot about yourself and your thoughts. There's what Plato preached saying that the better you understand yourself the better you understand others and I find that pretty accurate. It's part of why I changed the blog to "Delving Into A Shattered Psyche". Because that's literally what I've been doing the whole time. Speculating about the reality I've been forced to live in and my views on it. Then of course there's the moanings and rants about other random crap, but I actually have a good understanding of psychology. The most insane person will actually understand him/herself pretty well. My other major reason for sleeping is because it's the best escape I can find and when I wake up, I feel good. I have a smile on. I guess you could say I've developed an addiction to sleeping and whatever chemicals your brain produces while in that state. Probably melatonin. I'd say that my sleep habits aren't healthy though, but since when have I cared about that. I prefer to learn more about myself. It may even expand my lifespan by allowing my body to not have to work as much. I doubt that though. I do also try to control myself when it comes to my sleep habits, as in not be asleep in class. But I tend to be sleepy all the time now, so when I try to work I may screw up. I have the habit of saying the wrong thing or filling in the wrong bubble and other things of the sort, the sleepier I am. Despite that I actually have a clearer thought process and tend to be more on game all time. By more on game, I mean I tend to have better recall, not short term but long term. I prefer to be in my state of half asleepness mostly because then I can better think on what crosses my mind. I've reached such a masterful ability with sleeping that I can get rest by closing my eyes, I don't actually have to drift off most of the time. Just close my eyes and think, I feel less tired as it happens unless I'm really worn out.

Kick the Bucket

So because I've been genuinely happy, giving me a reason to not post, I've been having problems with finding stuff to talk about here. I do have school to help me with that, seeing as I end up doing writing for a good amount of classes. In my AP Geo class I had to write about my proudest moment, and honestly I don't really know what it'd be. I expressed that problem in class too. To be clear, the reason I couldn't pick one is cause I don't know one. I honestly don't do something that inspires pride in myself often anymore because things just happen for me. It's like it gets handed to me. But anyways, so after blabbering about how I mostly sleep and do sleep related things, my teacher ended with telling me to make a bucket list. Thing is, I never really made a bucket list either. I don't tend to have a list of things that I want to do before I die formulated, but I doubt that's anything odd.  So I decided I'd write one here, and no it's not ordered by priority, more of as it comes to me as always. Some of these may seem more like goals, but that's just because I'm only fifteen so I haven't gotten to do much you know.

1.  Compete in IGC (International Gloving Championship)
2.  Go to a MLG (Major League Gaming) game
3.  Go to a rave
4.  Go to a music festival
5.  Date someone famous
6.  Date someone
7.  Get into and win a fight
8.  Write a book
9.  Invent something worth wanting
10. Meet a Pornstar
11. Throw someone
12. Travel across Europe
13. Meditate with Tibetan Monks
14. Give a dignified official a lightshow
15. Poi on top of a tall building
16. Do parkour across a city
17. Get a lightshow from someone in the Emazing crew
18. Go skydiving
19. Go hunting
20. Make my own firework from scratch
21. Record and release a mixtape
22. Pull an all weeker
23. Live a dream
More to come

The Unorthodox Chef

So my English teacher is trying to get to know us so every class with attendance we have to say our favorite whatever the fuck she wants to know about. Today it was food. Me not knowing what my favorite is because I eat a lot I was about to say Dead Things. I saved that to be just a joke with my friend though. Instead I ended up saying something that I cook, after contemplating the answer. *Chinky Accent* Ohhhh I rykey the Dog and Pushay Cat. The reason why I have to say it's anything I cook though, and not something in particular, is because the one thing I'm the craziest and random in it's cooking. Loving to cook and learning to cook with only what I find in my fridge, I've learned what goes well together. I've also done a lot of experimenting. I've talked about it enough here though. I mean I have a friend that orgasms over my tacos even though it was just one good batch and I don't even remember what I used to make them. In fact I'm pretty sure then it was just taco seasoning mixed with jalapenos. Since then I started putting soy sauce, garlic, and lemon juice in to create a prime Asian influenced taco meat. But every meal is an experiment. I learned to cook most things that people would bake in an oven,  on a plug in grill. I'd love to work at a restaurant if they didn't mind every meal tasting differently. Different specials everyday that never get repeated. I just make a large batch at the beginning of every meal time. That's how it'd be if I worked at/ owned a restaurant. I don't write my recipes down, I barely even bother to remember them. I just remember what works well together. Lately though I haven't made a lot of newer foods. Mostly just cooking what's already made and cooking it in a pan. I have started frying food more often, much to my disdain, but it's not that bad. It's cause I haven't been able to properly clean my grill yet, it still has burnt mold that I've been trying to scrub off for a couple of months. That grill made some good food though. I even managed to reduce the grease by cleaning it once.

I'm Blank Fuckin BLANK

So I go by many names. Besides the one I originally used on here, "CaucasianAzn", I have others. My preferred one for awhile was MistoDisapea because I used that for gloving. Same with Fuckboi. Most of that was just because it sounded chill and to do with gloving. My Dota name went through many changes, some of my best were "The Brigadier Porker", "The Tingle Master", and "The Designated Drinker". My newest one is "The Chocolate Menace" because I was prank calling and made some racial slurs then the name hit me. But to the core of this post, my usual explanation for my odd habits are because I'm *First Name* FUCKING * LAST NAME*. That's just because it's the easiest and least complicated explanation there is. In class I had to write about my goals for the school year and five years and when I said I had no goals, didn't aspire to do anything, the teacher was just like. Bullshit, you have to want to do something. I didn't even have to answer, one of my friends chimes in with it's cause he's *First Name*. As I go on I'll just say, I have my enemies. Only thing is, they never stay enemies. I grow on people. I'm not saying everybody eventually loves me, that'd be impossible, but I just have that charisma about me that gets them to warm up to me. If they don't though, that's not my problem. I'm not trying to be some egotistical shit but I'm serious when I say I can take people places. I just have my effect on people, but everyone has an effect on people. They also know that it takes a lot to deter me from them. I can try to fix things for years and still go at it like I just started. But back to the weirdness and unusality that is me, and yes I consider my charisma a rare charm, there's also my memory. Now I've occasionally talked about how it's been fading, but that's short term. I have a memory that can astonish most just because I don't forget. I'm like an elephant in how much I don't forget. I just have the habit of remembering every detail I can about a person. School's different, that stuff has to interest me, but with people they instantly interest me. Even though I find psychology is an area of expertise reserved for psychopaths and wack jobs, I would fit perfectly into it. Yes, I admit it, I'm a wack job at the social standard. But that's how I've been from day one. Like I got placed in a psych class and I was doing the work and all I could think was, I already knew this. I already delved into the insanity that is my mind and learned the basics of psychology. Next one on the list is my bastard luck. I've talked about this a lot on here and that's because of how accurate it is. I do something that most people would walk away from with something broken and I get a scrape. Shit, my favorite day of the year is Friday the Thirteenth because for some reason it's my best day of the year. Of course I can't abuse it, that's wrong. To try to take advantage of what you can't control only can end badly. Now I pretty much forgot about what I was going to write about at this point. My initial intention was to write about my charisma I so deeply value, but I lost my train of thought when I started writing. I'm just saying, the best and probably only explanation for why I act as I do is cause I'm me. That applies to everyone honestly. But if you ask me, compared to the social average I'm miles away.

Not To Be Hated On

So as most people should know today is 9/11. Now before you get too deep into this, I'm warning now that this post is going to spawn people being disgusted with me IF THEY BOTHERED TO COMMENT. But to the subject. I think we were asking for 9/11, if it was terrorists responsible for it.I remember hearing earlier that we already had attack plans before 9/11 happened, hence the if. Of course I'm not the total paranoid who thinks everything is part of some plot to control the world by a select few. It's just a possibility. But seriously, there's a reason that we are referred to as Infidels by the extremist Muslim maniacs. It's because we practically shit on their culture. But out there I'd expect there to be more of an importance placed on food and water, and not what type. To them we're rich fat fucks. Of course not all of us are, but a good amount are compared to their standard of living. Spoiled shits that care more about money and getting what they want more than anything else. I'm not about to say the people that died from the plane attacks were under that category, or even had anything to do with the category existing, I still think the attacks were wrong. I'm saying that if we didn't like to show off and appear as some high end country that can throw out food and waste as much as we want, it wouldn't have happened. Mind you, this is coming from the fingertips of a very unpatriotic person. Atleast disloyal to America. I need to respect the country before I can be patriotic and I don't even put my hand on my heart for the Pledge of Allegiance. I really do feel bad for families affected by 9/11 though. The one reason I don't like their method of expressing their distaste for our "lifestyle" is simply because it hurt people that were innocent. That probably didn't partake in the spoiled lifestyle so many of us get used to. It's just like how I don't approve of Syria getting firebombed. Chemical weapons isn't an excuse to kill a whole country. No it's an excuse to infiltrate it and disable said weapons. Being subtle and not feeling a need to appear superior is what's known as being smart. Doing so avoids conflicts. Americans, atleast to me, appear to be some of the most racist, vulgar, shits in the world. They talk crap about everything and are oppressive of other cultures. I'm surprised Europe hasn't decided to go to war with us. We don't see jokes about Europe saying 'Ropia or some other shitty slur on the name. We do however for 'Murica.

You Don't Turn Your Back

I probably seem cheesy with how a lot of my ideals and morals that I've developed over the years are thoroughly in movies, T.V. shows, and anime. Of course that's not where I get them. I do however find an idea to write about from them, I guess you'd call them my occasional inspiration. I kinda ended up thinking about writing this while watching Fast and Furious 6. Well just to say it now, there's a few words I don't throw around as often as some. There was a point when I did, but that's an on and off type of mindset. They're words of affection that are general but have a meaning. Words like Brother and Sister and Love. Some people don't realize it but these are strong words. Me calling someone my brother or sister or telling them I love them is me making a promise. A promise that I'm always going to be there when they need me, and not going to turn my back. To hurt one of them is like hurting me except I'm going to bite whoever did it's head off. That's something that just disgusts me. When someone just turns their back on another person, not even one that they were as close to use those words with them, but even an acquaintance. If there's one thing I have a severe loyalty to is family. I don't mean just direct, I mean the big whole bunch. Even though I utterly hate my parents at times, I'm still there. I don't leave. I'd be the type of guy that if he had a kid with a woman, hopefully a woman, that I utterly hated I wouldn't leave until he did. If I had to? Well that kid's staying with me. Like what Will Smith did in Pursuit of Happiness. And as I've said on here multiple times that's what hurt the most a few months ago. I could handle being treated like shit, shunned away, as long as they came back. But she didn't. Honestly I don't know if when she's going to come around. I talked to her because I ended up sitting next to her in English, and she said exactly what I feel, shit's going to be awkward for a long time. I just have that moment where I look over about to say something but just tell myself, no that's stupid. I lost my comedic spark again. But back to the main topic. Turning your back on family is what scum does. That's something you have to be able to respect. I say I don't care about the past, but that's not fully true. I don't care about someone's past before they met me, because I didn't know them then. But I tend to remember every little detail, it's a specialty of mine. I guess it's because "family" is one of the few things I have. Ironic thing is I don't like to spend time with legit family. I prefer chilling with friends rather than going to some family gathering. I don't see that family a lot. I see the family I built myself. I'm like Whitebeard in One Piece. All he ever does is try to extend his family, and he'd take a bullet for one of them or forgive what they did wrong. Because as I said before, You Don't Turn Your Back.

A Song To Describe Me

So if there's one thing I don't like having to do that always happens at the beginning of the school year is doing one of those things made to introduce you to the teacher and anyone in the class that doesn't know you. I don't exactly like talking about myself in front of people, in person. I don't give to shits on here because I'm anonymous and people that I do know that read it, well I don't really know if they read it. In English we had to do Biopoems, I pulled my usual shit. I ended up having the theme of sleep, boredom, and hunger. That's what most of the lines were. Tried to keep it as bland and uninforming as possible. The other thing is what I have to do for my Geo class. Make a playlist of songs that describe me. Now my friends and I were talking about joke songs to use. I already thought of a few. I could put "Bullet" on it to freak him out. You know, it's this totally happy, upbeat song about killing yourself. And the ending? Oh the ending. That's the cherry on the cake. Next is "Reefer Madness" because I heard that he has a high dislike for stoners. So what better song that all it's about is smoking weed? Another perfect one is "Beecause I Got High" and "Nigga Nigga Nigga". Nothing like songs about being high and how much you don't like "niggas". My favorite idea so far though is Barbie Girl. Oh yes, Barbie Girl. Because I'm just plastic just as much as everyone else. In truth that is pretty deep, but I have the feeling that's not the intent of the song. As for my legit ones? Well first off some Blink 182. No playlist that describes me would be accurate if there wasn't Blink 182. First to come to my mind were "What's My Age Again" and "Adam's Song". Obviously because I prefer to act immature and because I'm actually really depressed about how emotionally lonely I am. I'd like to add in rap songs but a lot of them are about where they are in the game and how many bitches they bang, so I can't say those describe me all too well. Some parts do, but not a majority of it. A good one to have is "Over My Head" by The Fray. There's nothing that could define me better than in over my head. It's just what I do. Then there's "Pieces" and "Walking Disaster" by Sum 41. Now they sound a little too depressive. "Pieces" is him complaining about a girl while "Walking Disaster" is him saying he's going somewhere and they won't even know it's their son that got there. I don't want the album to be too depressing. But already, three of them fit that. I'd say "Over My Head" fits also, but not exactly. Then another to come to mind is "Toxicity" by System of a Down. It's him talking about how bad the city is, which fits my minor hippism and my love of the environment. Some of them aren't the easiest to explain, I know, which is why I'm happy I don't have to. Then there's Weezer. Ohohoho, the music they produce tends to have good descriptions of me. First on the list is "Pork and Beans". In simplest, it's him saying we're not going to conform to please others.  Then "Troublemaker" and the title says it all. Final in my thoughts is "I Don't Care" by Fall Out Boy. Again, title says it all. I think that's 10 songs, if it's not oh well I still need to think on it anyways. I'd layer the ordering so it's not happy then depressing etc etc.

It's All Clear To Me

So I oddly enough tend to pay a good amount of attention to the color of my piss as I do with my shit also. Lately in school my piss was so clear it looked like water, in fact it didn't even have one of those nasty wreaks if I hold it too long. So I, as my analytical inquisitive self, wondered why. In fact I wouldn't shut up about how clear it was to one of my friends. Well I realized, it's cause I'm not eating. Like I eat breakfast. But Lunch? Nahhhh. Besides the fact I pocket the money I get for lunch, I'm just not hungry around then cause I'm normally asleep. Dinner? I guess, but I don't eat dinner in school. So of course, this is a BAD thing. I've been feeling weaker lately and it's not just because I decided cause it's the first week to half my workout routine. Of course, I will rebound. I rebound from everything. It's just like my magic I guess. I call myself a lucky bastard for multiple reasons, as I've said on here a lot, and one is when bad things happen I always pick myself up faster than most. There was one thing I didn't rebound from that fast, which anyone could probably guess, but that's it. Yea so pretty much I talked about my piss today because I couldn't think of anything but didn't want to leave today blank.

Expectations Lost Part II

So I still had my usual anxiety. I mean technically everyone has the first day of school twice because we have alternating lineups. Today I had Geo, then had to go to a counselor for me not having a class for that period, then english, then gym. I had heard some things about my Geo teacher that made him sound like some total dickhole, but they were wrong. As to the counselor, I ended up being a teacher's assistant and have the six of the same classes as another kid. English? Ahh...English. I only read one book and I didn't read that other cause it's about jews. Literally, open it, first page, throws book cause of the subject matter. And, something I expected for an odd reason, she's in my English class. No biggie, big class right? WRONNGGG. The teacher has it setup where on each side of the room there's groups of desks in rows, columns, whatever you want to call it. They face each other. Well I'm in front of my row, and she sits in front of her row on the other side. If that wasn't bad enough she decided on the one practically right across from me. Whole class I spend looking to the side or down rather than forward so she doesn't think I'm staring cause I expect her to think that. Well I hear at lunch that she mentioned to one of my "friends" that I was staring at her. Like fuck? Really? I was staring. Um, no. Atleast she laughs and smiles in that class. Yea I had the occasional sight of her, but it was corner of my eye shit. I prefer not to look right at the person that turned their back on me, it kinda makes me feel crappy with memories associated with her. Besides that I don't find that class bad. I just kinda wanted to avoid her a little this school year. My gym class is kinda bad seeing as I don't have many friends in it. There are some though, just not many. That tends to happen to me a lot and cause it starts in driver's ed the teacher won't let me put my head down and fade into half unconsciousness.

Expectations Lost

So as I've expressed before, I had a lot of anxiety about my French class. The main problem with my French class, despite the fact it was my favorite class last year, is that she's in it. I came to school today, and stayed up all night cause of anxiety, thinking in French I was gonna end up sitting next to her cause of alphabetical sitting. But my teacher changed things up and we could sit wherever we want. I was comfortable in the class, comfortable enough to make a fool of myself. There's still some major differences compared to last year though. For one, I was new to french so learning it was easy. This year it's a continuation of what we were supposed to have remembered from last year, which I so casually forgot. The next is I had a kid in my class that was why I wasn't a B student in there. Now I knew French, and did well on tests, but I didn't do so well with the classwork. Not just not wanting to do it, but not wanting to do writing. He's not in my class this year, he skipped to French III. Now the final difference is what I'd already noted, SHE'S IN IT. Now my goal this school year wasn't to avoid her until she was just a painful memory and I was just an annoying memory, hell no. My idea was I'd just see how things played out. Last year I was most comfortable in French, it was like my Math and Science class in Eighth grade on terms of freedom and socialality. In short, I could be my goofy, wacky, dickhole self and not be worried. Even though the fact that I think it should work in my favor with her just deters it from being effective. But, she and I became friends over fucking around in class. Then it just continued on Facebook. So I figured, it if the environment is like the same one I had in Eighth when she and I got superclose, we were chatty with each other in Seventh too but not as much, maybe it'd cause it to happen again. Of course there's as many differences between those two situations as there are between this year and last year. But, what my friend did note, it seemed that she wasn't comfortable in class. She sat by herself, didn't even try to talk to some of the kids that I know she considers friends. While before I even got in the classroom a girl shouted out my last name, and then begged me to sit near her. I spent the class laughing and half napping. I did find myself looking over at her prolongedly once, but I made sure that happened only once. I glanced over at her maybe four times that class. I did happen to make a fool of myself. Knowing how tired I was and my memory issue I started using Spanish words in place of French. We were doing colors and the teacher says brown, so I shout out Cafe. Well coffee is brown. Then I get told that's spanish, which I wasn't surprised with. So then she says brown is marron. Next color is purple, and she intentionally says purple rather than violet. I instantly said marron. Aren't I just a genius. I do believe though, that I kept my french stuff from last year. All my binders are in my basement so I hope I'm not too royally screwed. Atleast I don't have to feel so much anxiety about French anymore, unless she gives group projects and we can't pick our groups.

Meep

Well, my first day of school is less that 9 hours from now, and I gotta say I don't feel like going. It's just the anticipation I have for it. Besides the chance that I'll see her, I also get to see people that I haven't seen in awhile again, and go back to an environment that is mostly people that get on my nerves. Of course I have three classes that I know won't be misery, or atleast don't expect to. I've heard some stuff about the teachers for them, but I know I'm gonna have my friends in them. There's also my anticipation to be rolling in bait more than I was last year. Besides it being that I was a freshman last year and only really had two new girls that I was confident would go for me, but I look different as always. I shaved off more of my weight and my body is more defined. My hair is at a length that I personally thinks looks nice. And I have a swagger about me, no I didn't say swag, that just emanates I'm a little cockier than most. I always heard that girls like confidence, and you know, I kinda see that a lot. I normally see girls going for the cocky dick head that has his head up his ass and not the guy that prefers to keep to himself. But I'm somewhere in between. I do have a cocky air about me and am known to be a dick when I want to, but I also prefer to stay away from social interaction a lot. Well either way, I should be asleep right now so I can get up in time to get coffee to stack with my Rockstar tomorrow.

To Know Or Not To Know

I personally hate it when someone's mad at me, or disgusted with me, and won't tell me. Like if I got a little more bluntness from her earlier things may not have ended as badly. But that's not why. I prefer to know why someone's pissy with me, so that I don't keep pissing them off or I can oh I dunno, fix it? Take this one girl. She and I are on and off friends. I wouldn't even call it friends anyways. More like acquaintances or casual talkers. Now things between me and her had been fine lately. We'd talk, there was no animosity, we hung out a few times. Of course those two times weren't just the two of us, there were other people and she was probably there to chill with them more. But what I'm saying is, I don't see where things went wrong with her. Last time we hung it led to her owing me money cause I let her use my cash for makeup, I ask her about it cause I'm gonna be around where she lives in a few days and she snaps on me. She says it's cause I asked her about the money and it's really annoying, well I only mentioned it once before and that was to put it down for record. So it's not just my ego when I say, money is not why she snapped at me. Then a few days ago I found something interesting and told her, I can just tell when I said I found something that she was pissy with me. I've had my theories as to why, including her actually getting that mad about money, but I prefer not to entertain them. Instead I'll just sit and wait, something I'm good at, because as always, time heals all wounds. Unless of course it's a fatal wound, time's not gonna heal that in time.