In Your Face

I've found myself to be a massive gloater. As you all know of my many material addictions one of my bigger ones is Dota, one that school has treated me for. Well, the heroes that I truly enjoy playing are the ones that I know I can gloat with the most when I'm winning. It's an effect of the low self esteem I've developed over the years, where anything that I excel in I have to make sure everyone knows it. At this point though, I actually tend to excel at a lot of things which makes me slowly hate myself more. I mean when I developed my self esteem problem I was fat, didn't have money that often, didn't have nice things in general. Only thing I had was how smart I was. I acted like this kid my friends and I refer to as a potato monkey, I always had to talk like I was the best even though I wasn't. Now I'm actually able to support my statements and things come naturally to me, why should I feel a need to brag? I was always so jealous of people then, I guess I had to make people feel jealous of me. But now? Well I only have a few things to be jealous of people for. A few weeks ago I'd have said their happiness, but now it's more their bliss. The fact that they manage to appear to stay at peace with everything around them and never get into conflict. Of course everyone is secretly fighting their own battles. But some just don't appear that way, I mean I don't appear that way outwardly either but I still get jealous of them. There's that saying that the person that seems to have things together the most has the most problems that s/he has to deal with. Like I see people that seem like they should be happier then anything, they have everything someone could want, but they're still unhappy. I'm not talking about those thankless little shits all over the internet that complain about getting the wrong colored phone and other pointless first world problems, not even first world more like spoiled shit problems, but I'm talking about the people that are polite, that do well in school, have a happy home, but still feel unfulfilled. They just seem at peace. Those people are the ones that I get jealous of. I may have some things now that I'm still relatively new to having, but it's human nature to want more.