Mmf I'm Bi-Polar

So for the past few weeks I've been jumping between being a super happy jovial man to a quiet recluse who can't be happy with the life that he lives. At the moment I'm happy though. Quite. It's because I've been talking to the girl that's not Blue that I love. She don't love me back, but she talks to me and I feel on clouds when she does. Of course it's also the first time in 2 weeks she's talked to me so it's made me feel like a drug addict that just got his fix again. But, what isn't there to love about her? I can't describe it because my descriptions are normally horrible when it's of someone's personality due to my high confusion of what a personality is. I'm just drawn to her. I really need to stop asking her out to ice cream though. I have a one hundred dollar bill and am itching to spend it though. Of course it probably won't be on her. She doesn't even want to hang out with me. What she says is that it's because I'm more of someone she feels comfortable talking to online rather than in person, but I think it's because she's worried I'll make something more out of it. If there's one thing I have a talent for it's being able to balance out my delusions. Any delusion I have is short lived. Nothing more, nothing less. And seeing as I've been rejected by her a shit ton it's not like I'm going to think it's more than me being sweet. But then again there's always the side of me that says, she's worried that she's going to change her mind and decide she likes you. I guess that's why I"m always pushing to hang out with her. She knows that I love her and it kinda gets on my nerves sometimes. For example, she dotes on my bestfriend and adores him. I'll say he does the most retarded stuff like hit me in the balls with an xbox controller, which has happened before, and she just laughs and is like, Ohhh *PERSON'S NAME*. It turns me into a jealous shit that causes me to create animosity towards him. I'm lucky I'm wasn't close friends with Blue's boyfriend or else it'd be the same thing but worse. Of course my animosity is short lived. I prefer not to let girls get between me and my friends, it's just not right. I still think though that once she sees me she's going to be like, "Da F? Who the hell is that and why does he look familiar". I have changed a lot physically just as I have mentally over the past few months since summer break. And they're both positive changes. I still have a bit of a gut but that piece is slowly slimming down and soon will be a nice six pack. Just need to do more exercises for my abdomen.

Fuckity Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuckity

Fuck this world, fuck this life. Fuck the fuck that made the knife.

Fuck the things that made me smile but left me sitting in denial.

My life is done my life is burned. My love is gone never to return.

I'll never be the same again, I'll be this shell til' the end.

Without Blue my world is gone, life with no meaning is a life that's wrong.

What reason to live in this hateful world, happiness is lost when you love a girl.

But she doesn't love you back, may not even care. She just says that she does so that you're still here.

So that you're not dead hanging from a fan. Not keeling over from popping a grand.

Not slitting your wrists and bleeding all over. Not shot through the head no lucky clover.

No light at the end of the tunnel for me, just a life to live in misery

To wallow in self-pity and hate, it's me that's destined for this fucked up fate

So before my heart bursts from my chest, I'll try to finish off the rest

Before I beat out my last beat, I'll never admit my defeat

I'll keep going even without her, even though my world will burn

As my eyes close tonight, I'll give in to death without a fight

Sadly I wakeup the next morning, I take on the day groaning and moaning

I smile with my friends even though there's a terror inside, with everything broken there's no place to hide

I'll just go find some wreckage to hide while I cry, I'll spend the whole day wishing that I'd die

Go to sleep and feel the whole cycle, all because of my love for Michael

My life it's a wreck that I built to a house, and as I walk I feel like a mouse

Dwarfed by the world around me, but in the end you will see

This pain won't pay off, I'll still hate the world, and I'll still be broken over a girl

But I live with it and try to look up, cause down's not where I get my luck

Making the best will be my life, I just need to drop the knife

To get things clear Michael is Blue and I used her name cause she's used mine on her blog so I figured she wouldn't care. As for the four things that mean suicide, yes I have access to all of those except a gun. No, I'm not going to do them anytime soon. The rest I'll leave up to your interpretation. It's not that I'm getting lazy but I decided that explaining what it is that I write is senile because opinions will differ. Last thing though, I have no confirmation of her not caring anymore. I'd been listening to Three Days Grace especially "Let it Die" which is talking about him not caring anymore. He didn't try to preserve their relationship because it didn't mean anything to him anymore. I've convinced myself that that's Blue's view on me. That I'm not worth anything. She'll only say that she cares so that I don't go crazy and slice something. But my life is empty without her, to love a girl that doesn't love you back is an unbearable pain.

I Thought I Had My Shit Together

So besides me being behind in class I have emotional shit to worry about. I'm going to address class first though. I have to study for this giant test called the Microsoft Certification Test that I already took twice and failed. The only reason I'm taking it a third time is because I'm the only one in the class that even came close. But I have a shit ton of other work to do. That broken glass picture? Well I gotta cut it out piece by piece and reglue it onto another piece of paper, I've already lost three or four of it's pieces also. Then I got a whole shit load of English work to do for "To Kill a Mockingbird" which I find to be quite a good book. The broken glass is going to be the hardest because it took me 2 hours to get barely a quarter of it cut and glued. But to the emotional problems, I'm a procrastinator. I'm also quite bored so rather than doing my school work I was on facebook, bored, and looking at Blue's pictures. It may seem stalkery, I don't care if I'm called one if someone saw me person to person my size would deter them from picking on me before they got to know me, but I always look at her and one other girl's pictures when I'm bored. But anyways I'm looking through her wall posts this time and then I see one where I was tagged in it. She's holding a panda and looking beautiful as ever and I just felt warm and tingly inside. I experienced the same chest pains along with a tightness of my whole ribcage I experience whenever deeply enthroned in a depression. But it was warm memories and honestly feeling touched. I was tagged because she wanted a pandahat and I'm like, ok I'm getting you a pandahat for Christmas. I don't give a fuck what you say, you're getting a pandahat. She found a stuffed panda and took a picture with it, posted it, and tagged me. It's these moments where I'm just like I hate my life because I have to love her. She has a boyfriend too so I really, REALLY, need to back off. I have but it doesn't mean I feel any better. I feel worse. The longing just builds up inside and then when I see something like that picture of her and the panda, I cry. Yea, I cry. I just started tearing up from just seeing the picture. I was about to comment I love you too, but as I said I have to back off. Now I'm even afraid to talk to her on facebook because of how much I fucked up. She and I aren't going to be able to talk the same for awhile. Until then I'll probably be stuck wallowing in my depression and misery alone as I normally do. I don't want help from people, it's something I face alone. Good night world.

Happy Happy Birthday

So yesterday I didn't post just because I was highly tired and not in the mood to post. Else I would have mentioned that my brother turned 18 on Friday. Now I find this as a momentous occasion because he and I both hate my parents and living at my house. It doesn't mean that he's going to move out right away, he has school to go to so he wouldn't be able to manage balancing a job with it. But he will be graduating this year and if he decides to he may be going to community college for 2-4 years before going to UVA or VT. This is very important to me because I'm going to be turning 16 next year and when I do I'm going to go job hunting right away. I can apply at a grocery store near my school that my friend works at, or I could apply at a Dunkin Donuts where I know some people. That's literally it, I wanna work where I know people. Now if I don't have any other choice I'll work with random strangers, I can easily make new friends. Anyways, knowing my brother he'd move out the first chance he got. If he enrolls in community college he'll be able to work his job full time and make a good wage. Matched with the job I'd maintain after school with atleast 3 hours a day, hopefully, I'd be able to provide fine. My idea is that if he decides to go to community college I'll get a job, work hard, and move in with him during the summer. Just need to get my parents to approve or get court approval. I'd prefer the first option because then my brother isn't considered responsible for me, my parents are. It is quite the momentous occasion. I hope you now understand that.

Meh

No nothing to say, overslept and missed the time bindings.

Wow, Another One

I picked up the shards of my broken life

A broken window turned to a knife

My head held high while my face glistened white

With the world around me I just stood and cried

The blood it ran fast down my arm

The shrapnel laid in but I felt no harm

The pain tasted sweet but sour at first

And yet still my heart it had burst

The walls turned to knives as it pierced from within

Every pain I felt was caused by my sin

The wrongs of my life I now suffer hard

I wish that I'd just get hit by a car

I wish that my life wasn't so large

I wish that I was the one in charge

But no I left my life to chance

And cause of that I felt romance

Love is the road to my happiness

Yet love causes pain which makes sadness

My passion burns bright and dazzles my peers

But it burns and hurts and sears

When the flame's gone out I'm left just bone

I'm left in this world all alone

With no one to love and cherish and hold

I'll stay lonely til' I grow old

The life I feel I've wasted is gone

The only thing left is this song

For when I'm dead my words will last

They will tell the future my past

I don't really feel like explaining this one so interpret it however you wish.

The Shard In My Window

I punched my window and it left a crack

Then my brother punched it and it hit him back

It scraped his hands and cut his knuckles

He just wrapped it up and left with chuckles

But I left the crack and let it grow

Every year progress would show

My window is like a spiderweb

When the picture's done we're all dead

The pressure gets to me and my heart explodes

Maybe then I'll wish I sold my soul

Give up happiness for the easy life

Fucking every night cause I'd have paid the price

But no I ain't like that, I'll let the crack grow

No, I ain't like that I won't be a hoe

I'll work for what I want and be respected for it

Rather than tell people to suck my dick

My crack it's growing from the pressure I've built

I'll let it grow and wait until

I need a repair and find my fix

It'll be a girl else I lay in a ditch

But until then the crack lives on

Spreading everywhere as I spit this song

For those inquiring the picture is a painting I did in art where it's a radial design madeup of the shading and tinting of 3 analogous colors. After that I had to draw broken glass on it, which kinda fits with the song I just wrote. This song I'm not super proud of, there's points in it where the rhythm and syllables don't fit each other and it's like trying to mix Mexican and Chinese cooking which is hard to do. But it's got a message that I mean. The crack is meant to be the pressure I have in life. As you pile on more pressure the bigger the crack gets. My brother punching it also is because he bears some of the same burdens as I do. We HATE MY HOUSE. But while my brother lives with it more relaxed I will mourn and sit on it in private. I always prefer to smile in front of others and crying is something saved for private. And then the "When the picture's done we're all dead" is to say that when the stress buildups too much we die. There's those that decide to commit suicide, something I don't agree with but can't blame them sometimes, and there's those that die from a physical stress. The cracks in the window are built by both. It's been shown that mental and physical health correspond with each other. Like when you're depressed you have physical symptoms and when you're sick you show mental instability. Then talking about selling my soul is referencing to how some people prefer to just sit and take the easy life. Things such as rather than going to college you just stay home and fuck whatever moves and have a low pay job you don't work hard in. I don't get how it can be satisfying. Not to say that just because I don't understand it it's wrong though. The last part is the simplest one there is. I'm saying I'm not going to live into a ripe old age alone, I need someone to repair my cracks that have been made in the window. 

They took the string and braided a rope

And tied a knot, to take the hope

Around my neck the noose had gone

But I won't be dead for very long

When they took me down I wokeup

I just walked back to my rut

To lay and sleep in despair

You can't take what wasn't there

When already dead the pain's still strong

The shell's still there to right it's wrongs

But while it stands and speaks what's right

People leave and it's alone at night

The sun comes up and I still talk

About all the wrongs that have been wrought

Against me and against others

By myself and by my brother

I'm a horrible person but I hide with a smile

Luckily I still don't have a file

My monsters are large and many

But my leashes are strong and plenty

I wrote this one last night while in depression mode. It's quite blunt with the message if you know me. I'm saying I feel dead already. To make it clear the the "They" in the beginning are my parents, who I honestly blame partially for my insanity. While I've had other things that contributed mostly to my depression and insanity my parents are the ones that boosted it. They act like an amplifier for every problem I have. So because of that I decided not to tell them my problems so that they don't try to solve them. That's led to more trouble but not as much as I'd have if I complained to them. But even though I feel dead inside doesn't mean I have to be a total ass to people around me. Just like how I don't have to mention how fucky I feel to girls that I like when I feel fucky over them. The last two lines are my topper for a reason though. I'm saying that even though I'm an evil and horrible person, I've kept myself under control. Before I made this blog I was a lot more nasty to people. I was still nasty to them while I had this blog but slowly I started to rein in and leash my darker side that I'd let loose too often.

*Sigh* The Despair And Loneliness

Ugh, my life just feels boring and horrible. I'm not suicidal/hyper depressive anymore but I still have depression to deal with. Just not a day goes by that I don't dream of having her in my arms but now I need to back off. I don't manage to talk to her either. She'll just talk to me then stop talking. I don't blame her though, repetitively asking her out was stupid and I don't know why I did it. I guess it just means I can't really try to plan out life, it's quite stupid. I didn't know how fast my feelings would buildup. I was planning on asking her out in Senior year, SENIOR YEAR. I didn't even wait til' the end of Freshman to ask her. Seriously, I'll just lay in my room daydreaming about her. If I'm not thinking about how I wish I wasn't such a fool and how much I screwed up I lay there and think of what I'd do if I had waited and she thought to say yes. One of her posts was about how she was giving up on love and that she sees no value in a hug or a kiss or any romantic embrace. Well you know what it means to me? If I hug a girl it's me knowing that she's safe. It's me being told I'm not alone. It's another way to say I love you. A hug is universal for a reason, it can mean almost anything. And to me, a hug from her would mean that my life is fulfilled. I promise, I'd be euphoric. I'd be stuck grinning for a month. But to hug a person and just feel their heartbeat along with being able to smell their hair and feel their warmth, it'd mean everything to me. If only I loved someone that loved me back. Only loving two girls is quite depressing, especially when they don't like me the same way. I know I'm too young to mourn my loneliness or even fall in love but I'm different from most people. I had to grow up while kids were still preoccupied with their little kid lives. Issues with my dad have just been traumatic, and now the shit with my brother didn't make it any better. But now I've lived quite selfless and not as materialistic as I used to be. Especially at home where I do most of the work. I don't get to indulge myself a lot, my dad acts like it's a horrible crime. It's retarded, the hardest worker isn't allowed to enjoy life and can't "get his vice" while the lazy shit that hasn't done taxes and the only work he does is driving people around is allowed to go crazy with money that he didn't even earn. I don't like the idea of welfare. They should atleast evaluate whether the person is capable of getting a job, it's horrible for the economy to indulge laziness in people. What reason would they have to go job hunting when they can get paid in other people's money to sit around all day?

BOOOOOMMMM!

So I watched "Here Comes the Boom!" and decided to go back to boxing with vigor. I've barely touched my punching bag all month and been really slacking on the weights too. Now with "Here Comes the Boom!" I saw a whole bunch of MMA fighting and honestly, if a UFC fighter gets paid 10 grand when he loses and in smaller rings you can get paid well, I want to get into this shit. Besides the fact that I'm going to be getting into Muay Thai soon I'm already a fast as fuck puncher. Gotta work on my kicking though. If I were a MMA fighter I know it'd be a mix of Muay Thai, Wrestling, and Boxing. I just need to get into it. I could do wrestling through school if I wanted, but that means being part of a competition which doesn't really interest me unless it pays me money. Even though it's good on a college application to say I was a good wrestler in high school I don't want to do it. The idea of being competitive for someone else's sake disgusts me. Also though, "Here Comes the Boom!" is a comedy and a movie so it's not going to be the most realistic thing to inspire myself with. But it has. I'll probably drop it within a week anyways though.

And Now POSE

I've begun to feel like a poser with my desperation. I had seeked out advice and it was that if I can only really get to know a girl by talking to her one on one I might as well stop trying to get to know a girl before I go out with her, or atleast that's what I took from it. And so I've made a decision to act poserly, I kinda realized it before I enacted it though. Not exactly a poser either, just try to be a whole bunch of stereotypes of guys that pull chicks. You know, the drummer in a band, a rapper, a muscly guy. I've been muscly and a rapper(didn't share that I'm a rapper with a lot of people) but I decided to up my game and be a drummer. I used to do drumming in band anyways, and took lessons where I learned how to play a set. It's just been 3 years. And my band mates are two guys that already pull babes. I'm also not in a band yet but if I get in one anytime soon it'll probably be with my brother and his friend. It's just so that I can pull girls and don't have to worry about being rejected by a girl I'm interested in for her looks. I mean I don't try to show off and brag about being muscly or a rapper though. I don't like to boast that type of stuff. I personally consider myself a good rapper anyways. But with a drummer, it'll be for being the drummer of a band. I wouldn't have to worry about bragging about being in one and instead just wait for the bands eventual at least local popularity do it for me. That way I can ask girls out a lot easier too. And with that I've practically become what I despise. Some guy that tries to look cool or do the stuff considered cool to get girls. All I'm trying to do is widen my bait radius. I already get bait for personality points. Atleast I'm pretty sure I do. And I can show off athletic prowess in gym. I doubt that I have girls watching me kick ass in badmitton or tennis though. Or in any other type of sport that I feel like trying during for that matter. But it allows me to show muscle. I know people watch me during warm ups also because I have people laughing at me. Being a rapper is nothing I will show off at school. I may send to close friends and such but not to people I don't talk to much in school. Then again out of excitement I shared 3 of the raps I wrote on here on my facebook. Oh wells, whatever. Good night world.

Bitches Man *Pats Shoulder* Bitches

No this isn't some complaint about Blue rejecting me and my still being depressed. So I thought I was getting bait this week and it was from a girl that I happened to have previously liked and is easily likable. She can be a fucking bitch though. No, I'm not calling her a bitch cause she rejected me. Yea, that's right she rejected me. I mean like shit, the girl was doing cheerleader stretches for me but at school she ignores my hello. It defines a flirty bitch. But hey, whatever. I call the girl up and her mom answers. I ask to talk to her and her mom asks for my name. She gets my name and literally went, EWWW MOM HE'S A NERD. Then when she got on the phone she asked where I got her number and then told me never to call her again. I never got to asking her out because I was just like shit, what's the point. Then my friend who lives by her went over and asked her out for me which got answered with a no and "I got a boyfriend". No I don't doubt it, the girl's pretty hot, but why the hell did she come outside to have me watch her stretch in booty shorts. Then with my other friend, he practically got dumped on Valentine's day. His ex isn't exactly a bitch though. She's actually a semi-close friend. But she had second thoughts and dumped him the next day because she's like fuck, he thinks I don't like him anymore. Ugh I'm pretty sure that girls/women are going to bring me my greatest joy in life but also bring the most pain. Heck, I probably go around things the wrong way anyways. I prefer to get to know a girl before I try to go out with her so that I know that my feelings for her are somewhat true. But by the time I decide, yea, lets ask her out, I'm basically the gay bestfriend as my friend deemed me. I'm actually quite close with a good amount of girls and they tell me personal stuff and have deep conversations with me. With other girls though I realized when i was over them it was just for physical reasons. Like one that "pre-dated" me for 4 days I realized I just liked her for her ass. I realized that cause the next day in class I was just like, DA FUQ? HOW THE HELL DID I LIKE THAT? Suffice it to say, the girl was a total idiot. Now that may sound a little rude but I don't like talking to stupid people. They get to the point where I have to explain stuff to them and every word that comes out of their mouth normally makes me annoyed. It's more than high standards, it's a required one. I'd date a smart girl if she were ugly and or fat. I wouldn't be able to date a stupid girl if she were ugly and or fat. But now I'm in a fragile state where I'm going to jump at asking girls out a lot. Of course there's going to be a lot of rejection but I don't give a fuck. I'm just worried I don't get some reputation for asking girls out a whole bunch.

N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

Nothing.

#ForeverAlone

So yes, today is Valentine's day. To suffice it I spent my Valentine's day catching up on Mass Effect 3 while my brother had a nice day with his girlfriend. I was alone all day. It didn't surprise me. I asked one girl out for ice cream even though I figured she'd have plans but I didn't get an answer until 7:00. I'm pretty sure when she saw it at 6 in the morning she was just like meh. Then didn't remember to tell me no or sorry I already made plans when she got back from school. My answer was that she forgot, what a surprise, and that she's sorry she couldn't hangout with me today on Valentine's Day. It was kinda retarded anyways. I went to school wearing a black shirt covered in green, glow-in-the-dark skulls on it. I still had a fun day, but it was a lonely one too. Only something more to add to my depression where on the on year that I actually cared, I was alone. Last year I didn't care cause I still had a I don't give a flying fuck about shit attitude towards everything on this blue fucked up planet. My friend was right to tell me that I pose more as a gay best friend for girls rather than a boyfriend. It'd explain a lot. There was one girl that was doing cheerleader stretches for me in her underwear. Plus I can give emotional support, I have had a lot of problems so I can give pretty good, thought out advice. One delusion I refuse to let dissipate though is that one of these days one of the girls that I've liked but become more of a gay best friend for will change their mind and decide they like me. I have a strong belief in being connected spiritually and by personality. You know, when you truly love someone they love you too, just they haven't realized it yet. It's not to keep myself from being depressed for crushing on girls and being rejected where I say, Oh they just haven't realized they love me yet, but it's because it explains a lot. Some people when I walk up to them, I'm not intimidated but I just think "I'm probably not going to like this person". Most of the times I'm right. Just like when I think I will like that person. It's just like a natural connection that I feel with them. Like we're kindred spirits but just don't know it yet. Of course kindred spirits always become something more for one of them. Well, hopefully next year I won't be alone on Valentine's day. Hopefully this summer I won't be alone either. If I were to, I'd have to spend every day hanging out with friends to keep myself from wallowing in my own misery.