I Think I Sabotage Myself

So yea, I think I sabotage myself. I mean like I sub-consciously don't want to be happy. I mean I get a girlfriend, and after I enjoy being in the clouds for a 2 days I start doubting myself and I end up accusing of her stuff. But just put yourself in my shoes, when you don't commonly get something that makes you happy and normally get stuff happen to you that brings in sadness, you're going to instinctively doubt yourself for having legit and seemingly permanent happiness. Now I can't get her out of my head. But with me, when I say I'm over a girl, it means that I don't think of her as much and I daydream about other girls along with her. I mean like seriously, I'm a lover boy. I can crush easily on a girl. But the thing is there's a difference between like, and crush. I mean I like lots of girls, but I'm crushing on 1 if you don't count my hoax. Yeah, I'm still calling the "ex" a hoax because that's all I see it as. And normally when I say I've cried, it means that I curled up in a ball, and just stared off into the distance while I slowed my heart rate and breathing, if it's something serious enough I do let real tears flow, but I have a tough side to my mind, not just my body, that only lets me cry on things worth it. The last time legit tears flowed was this year, over that one girl I was obsessed with. I could call her my fall-back girl, I mean like seriously after I'm done crushing on a chick I always go back to thinking and daydreaming of her. And I've told people, especially Blue, multiple times I'm over her. It lasts 2 or 3 weeks. The only time I was literally over her, not a thought in my head came up of her, was when I got on Nightshade and made friends. And while on Nightshade I met the hoax. But now Nightshade is no more. The site is still up but no goes there, it's a ghost site. Oh well.