Flipped

I don't know where I'm headed just know where I be
Don't know what to do, believe me

Just a kid on the block tryna make his bucks
I flipped caps, tabs, and green blocks
Never had the heat, never packed glocks
But I got nabbed but a lying cop
Put it forward a year, it's August
Turnt before the year I got out in Autumn
Facing more charges but no money made
Gotta pay a fee if I'm to get aid
Social security just ain't enough
I guess it wouldn't matter if I had three months
But no, fuck that, gotta borrow more
She can't afford it but where do I go
I hid behind these bars but don't need em
I'm tryna sort it out and I'm pleadin
Don't make me throw my life away for some change
I got plenty of time to live but not this way
I got money, but is it enough
Still gotta pay for college, is it enough
I got big things to do with my life
But you cut it away like you had a knife

What's a life worth, a future, a world
Where's the time been, I lost it, bored
Can't see to tomorrow, Can't judge fate
Not gonna be free if I go at this rate
What am I to do if I go to jail
The years in a solitary world
No, not for me, not for you
We humans,  need humans, it's true
You couldn't believe what I'm going through
Past few days been a haze but I got it
I built up my walls and they smashed it
Call me Toby, or call me King Kunta
I might be broken but I'll get a fix
Might be in need but I'll get through
I got this whole world that I need to prove
But an underpants gnome doesn't get past step two
And a king doesn't crawl but I'm on my knees
Clawing at my life cause nothing's free
I sold my soul, a big price to pay
But I guess I owe debt cause they'll take me away
Not tryna play games no more
But I rolled the dice, no 7 11
No 7 11, no 711

What's a man to do when he doesn't have much left to live
When he's been stripped of his pride and his nature
When he's been beat and broken
Back problems, not a problem, but outspoken
Had to say goodbye, never got to say hello
She shouldn't see me cry, no not anymore
She shouldn't be here, yet she  is
Put in on my tab, but don't expect payment

To The Aftermath by Contrary Beats

Lick it Dry it Hit it Spliff it
Grind it Rip it Cash it Reload
Cocking the gun like I'm cocking my dick
But this thing ain't loaded yet
The shotgun's broken
And the bowl's a minotaur
And the tree's so green
And the weed's so par
Hit the dankiest dank that you'll ever smell
Got that earthy earth scent that I know so well
Am I high yet? Man it's hard to tell
Been puffing this shit every day, so well
I'm probably half baked
And probably half naked
Eye's probably red
And I'm probably still shakin
Hit the snooze
Cause I got time to lose
I'm just wakin an bakin
And using a sploof
Cause the five feet to the door
Is five feet more, and I don't want more
Been doing this shit five days a week
Then I made it seven to beat the heat
Cause the summer's hot
And I live inside
So I got me a bowl
And lost suicide
This air that I'm breathing's just so divine
And the ladies that I'm checking are so fine
Gotta hold my jaw so that it don't drop
But when I try an talk my lips just lock
I'm checkin that ass
And I'm checkin them titties
And the face that I'm checkin's
Oh so pretty
Just bitch please text me
Or bitch please call
Don't give me your number
If you didn't like what you saw

To  by DJay U4RIA

Turn Up Song

Rolling Rolling, All my rules be golden
Can't break up the circle as we turnt until the morning
On my way to high places, so high that I can't see
Eye's more than asian, it's more than just tree
Pass that ketamine, fuck that purple lean, It's a symphony
Smoking green leaves mixed with ecstasy
Sillier than a cap, and madder than a hatter
Pour me a drink, as I wait for pitter patter
We're gonna go places, so what the fuck's the matter
Gonna play on the playground, but first break up that shatter
Drip a little L as my drip is getting lighter
Running from my body my soul's brighter than a lighter
My heads heavier than rocks, I got too much going on
I gotta bid for college, sorry but that's wrong
I'm too busy soaring higher than an Eagle
That's what the PO said but fuck man that's evil

I'm just a little drunk on the edge
Think I'll tip into the shoulder with some shots to the head
Fuck the fast lane, take it slow and steady
Ease into the music as we're getting kinda heady
I'm Chilling, Relaxing, Playing what I'm playing
Bump the bass with me if you're feeling what I'm saying
Kick it back, I'm feeling my buzz
Busy like a bee as I'm high like a god
Got some next level shit on my wishlist
I better behave if Imma ever get it
Lemme list off the top little gifts
A baggie, a doubie, and maybe a spliff

A honey, some bunnies, a whole flock of hens

Still barking up a tree not knowing its a dead end

Hounding hounding, breathing in the blood
I may fly in the sky but I'm rolling in the mud

Rolling in the mud, my face is phasing out
Grinning like a dumbass as shit starts to head south
I ain't seizing yet, ,no foaming at the mouth
Just taking my time I'll die some time, oh well
Spitting rhythm and the blues
Spitting phlegm and hot fire
Spitting up in the toilet
Spitting like I'm rolling in a tire
*spit noise*

To Turn Up by Djay U4RIA

A Goodbye

Lately I've had to make decisions that I didn't want to. Besides paying for a lawyer with someone else's money, I asked Blue to block me. It was wrong of me to ever say she's bad for me, however I react to her, it's not her fault or intention. I did it slightly out of guilt as well. The only time I ever try to talk to her is when I'm lonely or want advice, not because I'm interested in anything to do with her. Well, I am, but that's not the intention when I hit her up. It's not fair to her, whether she has something better to do or not. Fuck, I keep calling g him her. He's a homosexual boy in a girl's body. Can be confusing, I know. I also asked her to block me because I felt myself returning to a shell that I used to hide in. Wanting to bother her just to talk to her. Because when I talk to her I don't feel alone. That's how my mind works, it's reaction based and while I've turned off some I've never been able to turn that one off. And the thing is, say he doesn't respond for 5 minutes, I feel devastated. But, his problems aren't mine and I have no right to make them his. He probably has enough already. Goodbye Robin, I hope one day I'll have calmed down enough that we can be friends like we used to, but until then I don't want to go into the hole that I clawed my way out of, or try to drag you into it with me. And thank you for blocking me, things ended on a good note this time.

RIP

Pineal flexing ,I'm ripped in the mind
Rip before my time, rip was daddy's sign
Rap is the game I'm playing for now
Pour me another fore the lights go out
For today was a good day
I kicked back, lit one up, good blaze
Got a cap on my head and a new craze
If you really think I'm fronting, you bluffing
You can't be serious, I'm something to your nothing
I got substance, and some words for you
When you think that you big but can't fit your shoes
You just, gotta grow, gotta get old
Gotta leave behind the anger that you too well know
It might blow, but hard work pays off
I work my day job for my money, didn't cough
Didn't stutter, no mutter, I got fired, another
Bout to find me a new one that's better than the offer
I've been offered, deals with the devil
Sealing my soul to live better, to revel
I had to take a few, wasn't hard to choose
Living at home beats jail house blues
I wouldn't fit in, they got animals in there
Not a field trip but something to fear
Living in a cage will just build on my rage
Leave a change man, not a man, but a beast
Pardon me, Pretty please, I can't become this
I gotta find my future not die in the abyss
About to apply for ivy league scholarships
But my GPA's dead I gotta test to get in

Godly, empowered, betrayers are devoured
Judas, Brutus, Cassius, Call em political activists
Call em deceivers but their sins aren't unique
A lust for power, that dirty greed
It's what defines man, as I've defined me
Only loyal to me, and my family
Brothers, sisters, lords of most high
Come down from the heavens to dance tonight
To revel in life, for that's why I live
I'm not here to do what you bid
These words are now spoken and will travel great length
To reach those worth wasting the breath in good taste
I'm no ordinary man, but then again who is
I seek to eek out my own existence
All it needs is substance, my meaning's my own
But these idols and lench mobs condemn what I condone
Condescend, but father they don't know what they do
Although in your name it's not focused on you
Let history speak, the crusades, the middle east
It is money and land not peace that they seek
I absolve myself of the crimes I commit
Can't continue on this journey if I hold regret
Mistakes have been made, can't deny but admit
Only can learn, grow in wisdom and wit

I dream of Valhalla, of Nirvana,of balance
I got biblical but who doesn't at this
In the end I'm just a kid with dreams, dreams, more dreams
Of a perfect world, eyes open, not what it seems
It's a goal unrealistic, gotta say fuck reality
To accept it is hard, life's such a tragedy
To grow up thinking the sun will always shine
To go to bed at night with a bright light in your eyes
Then smacked with the hard truth, a truth seemingly unreal
That we all live in a world that can't feel
When societies dominated by data and graphs
Where numbers do matter, not heart and contact
The indigo tribe will rise to combat
With words not fist, with wisdom not tact
But a perfect world never could be
Without imperfections what would be me
Mistakes make the man, and I've been sculpting for years
Let go of regret as I shed my tears
If I'm to become what I'm destined to be
I need to make a change in society
But change is a hard flap of the wings
If a butterfly caused hurricanes you need a turbine at least
I need a bottle and a light to sleep well at night now
Can't partake of either if I don't want to go to jail

Need a job at ups to work on my delivery
Never made no cash cause I'm tryna get my liberty
Liberate the mind cause the body's just a cage
Liberation time, but I'm underpaid
Underwear? No it's outerwear
I don't even fucking care
Leave me be to be a me
Not another clone of society
Just a kid to relax, redose, relapse, repose
Resuscitate and masturbate
Cop a zip roll it in a grape
Feeling great, good time to unwind
Talk about my feelings, all in good time
The biggest imprisonment's the illusion of freedom
So what the fuck is America found on then
Big Business, Big Bitches, Big houses full of windows
More rooms than there's people, more inches than a kid grows
I ain't looking for that life
Give me a cabin in the woods, a fancy skinning knife
A good book to read and a warm place to sleep
Don't need a mansion when I've got me

Fuck this day it's the same as before
I woke up, died, tomorrow reborn
Relaxed about the day cause there's no problems yet
This shit just started, so no regrets
Gonna do what I gotta do, get what I want
Never behind even though I don't front
Got this game to run like monopoly
Gonna reintegrate my mind at ease
Never had a problem that I couldn't solve
Never had shit that I considered a loss
I may be linked in with my pleather couch
But I'm not an aesthetic, not what I'm about
About to be collegebound, coming round
It's that time of year where you gotta buckle down
But Imma unbuckle my seatbelt, get out of the ride
Go to the shoulder to vomit through my eyes
I don't need that shit, no stress no worries
No seeds, no stems, no mids, not blurry
Imma run this shit when I hit 25
Can't do that from a car, I can't even drive
Got my permit pulled, no stickshift for me
I'm all automatic on this shit, you'll see

I got one in the chamber
Two to the head
Third eye blind
And a quarter in the sack

I been puffing on the green since a young un
If you feel what I'm saying better burn one
Burn three, one for each eye
Kick back now and enlighten your mind
Rewind, back to a better day
When kids got siced over mickey ds
When phones weren't life, good food every night
No veggies please, Fuck broccoli
Now it's work work work and no play
It's gotta go to college no way
More busy try a get paid
Success is my own, so I'm rapping today

I got one in the chamber
Two to the head
 Third eye blind
And a quarter in the sack
That's one in the chamber
Two to the head
Third eye blind
And quarter in the sack

I'm not a feeestyler, barely even a rapper
I'm a writer, accused child molester
But I'm better, than the title or the name
I'm busy playing the game , but you knew this
Nobody knows what the truth is
I spit lies, I spit rhythm and the blues
I spit money into your pocket, you
I ain't a part of the business, Fuck the company
Not tryna be famous fuck celebrities
Just tryna get made, need to get paid
I ain't playing no motherfucking game
Personal success, that's the key
And I lost my key ring when I was down at the beach
Now I gotta find it, where do I go
When I might go to jail for, for who knows
How long, is the system gonna take me
I've been prepared but not ready for society

I got one in the chamber
Two to the head
Third eye blind
And a quarter in the sack
That's one in the chamber
Two to the head
Third eye blind
And a quarter in the sack

I ain't here to do what I'm s'posed to
Not a role model, fuck that, I do
Just tryna live my life like I want to
Tryna live the life I was born to
Tryna be the king that I always thought I was
When I was a kid, as every kid does
I ain't here to do wrong, not a criminal yet
Lived my life fine no need to repent
I've been called liar, sinner, shit
I've been loyal, a leader, yes
I've been, I've been here
Loving the moment with nostalgic tears
Not about to lose 10 years to stress
I'm under duress to live for someone else
But it's my life, my choice, my body, my voice
My thoughts that direct where I'm going to be tomorrow
Not yours, I only lead not follow

I'm sitting in a room busy staring at the wall
No words to my lips no worries at all
I can't say I'm sorry but I'm busy with the wrong
I got things on my mind, nothing to this song
Nothing on my thoughts that should matter here
Cept I can't kick back and crack a beer
Can't puff on the smoke like I used to
You know I was hazy back then
Never had a sober day past ten, give me a week
Now I'm sober 2 months, pass the tree
I ain't nothing special, I ain't nothing good
I'm just loving life, the only way I should
You say drugs are bad, why waste your mind?
I say that you're sad, you're only wasting time
You don't know where to speak from but the shit that you're fed
Gorging on the meals payed by government bread
I'm an independent thinker, artist, mind, body, sold
I ain't looking for the deal that you offered me
Just tryna eek out an existence
I'm looking for the truth that's been buried deep
But you broke my shovel and then threw it at me
Can't break my spirit, that shit's fucking gold
Imma be searching til I'm ninety years old
Excuse the bloody handshake, I had nothing else to use
Imma sit here, accusing you
Of ignorance, you're bliss exists
I'm not gonna hear what you're saying
When it's regurgitated from the lips of the man
I'm a king in my court, you're a pawn in his plan

Smoke a blunt feeling lazy
Bout to be a little hazy
Wake up feeling more than wasted
The red pill's worse than the syntax
I'm sitting here, tryna be a real rapper
Tryna tell my shit but keep it good like it matters
I be talking slang, gibber, fuck grammar
Everyday that passes I get happier and sadder
Realizing what they think of me, It's hard to swallow but better
I'm chokin on my words as my face is getting redder
Gotta bust out my highlighter now, better get to work
The last year of my life is coming soon for what it's worth
When I wave bye to my friends what will I be
A god a demon a boy a man or is it in between
Don't know what I'm doing just sitting here
Reliving my memories as I shed a tear
Year eighteen is coming in a couple of months
Bout to be an adult but I still live with my mom
Bout to say fuck the vote, when I should run
Enlisted in the draft but fuck the gun
These supposed to be the best years of my life
But I feel like they passing away way too fast
T.V. always said two wrongs don't make a right
So why waste my time on a second chance

Apologies

Yo man I'm sorry, I ain't got a bag for you
Yo man I'm sorry, I can't play with you

Dear flower of any other name
I'm terribly sorry to say what I say
To feel what I feel, to see what I see
To only see you being with me
To remember the times that didn't  exist
It's tortuous , temptuous, tumultuous, taught
I wish for the past to be present again
I feel like I'm dead but I haven't began
To see a new light, to feel the sun's rays
I run to hello but there's price to pay
Left to wait, day and night on repeat
For that magical magical magical ping
Yet I fucked it up, oh sadly it's true
All because all I could think of was you

I can only say sorry for the thoughts that I think
I can't help but make a kiss from a wink
To be honest with myself you're bad for me
Not too good, not best, if it's platonically
Romance is one thing, but taunting's another
You know how I feel when you choose to call me brother
Not lover, never will, what would I ever be
I understand that you don't see me
Maybe that's best, at the most not bad
I just remember the days, the months, I spent sad
I don't want to go back, I didn't intend to
You know who I am you know I'm no fool
Don't expect me to sit here waiting like a dog
Although I still do, it's cause you're still my god
Thank god I stopped praying, I'd be wasting my time
Prayers unanswered and thoughts too divine
A heart that's still beating but removed from my chest
Displayed in a case and reworked to beat best
Am I your treasure or curse or both
Rebel at heart but I'll do as I'm told

Return to Whence You Came

"Happines in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know" -Ernest Hemingway

They say happiness is a state of mind, a choice. Being happy isn't something that happens, it's something you consciously are. While that's good and all, sometimes it's easy to forget that you have a choice, or as everyone always experiences, there's a point in life where you feel like you lost control of your life, and thus there's no such thing as a choice, only a condition, a path left to travel despite the many forks in the road, it's just too dark to see. I've been talking to her lately. She unblocked me and messaged me out of the blue, as is expected, and said she wanted to move past any bad blood we might've had. I whole heartedly took it, knowing what was inevitable, that she wanted things to be platonic, not romantic. Shit I shouldn't even be calling her a her, it's a he, she identifies as a he, and is the only dude as of yet that I've ever been gay for. Leave it to me to momentarily forget where I stand with her, as nothing, whenever I talk to her. She's worse than any other drug because she's the one I got addicted to, there's nothing more unique than the feeling you get when you talk to that one person that's got your heart in a chokehold and likes to squeeze. I told her that too, I told her that I think she's bad for me, practically told her she's poison, and she is. But per my path of self-destruction it was also inevitable for me to commit emotional suicide as well. I may feel on top of the world when I talk to her, but I also feel six feed under hell when I'm done. Not comparable to the comedown from molly, no. More comparable to the feeling one probably gets after doing heroin for the first time, going off of what I'd feel like after eating more painkillers than the serving size. I can't believe I let myself get deluded yet again. She has this uncanny ability you know, I'll forget about her, it takes awhile, then right away she appears from the mist and reminds me what I wanted to forget. I think she does it on purpose, gets some sick enjoyment out of it because she knows she has me on some leash that's ten inches shorter than my throat's diameter. Says she wants to be friends again, but then also will remind me of the past without me bringing anything up to warrant it. Atleast that's what I was told when I asked why, why waste her time with me of all people, why talk to me when she knows where I'm headed, why bother when I'm going to become a tumor the way things go, the way they always go. The thing is, following that conversation I felt like I was the one in control for once, even though in any proper type of relationship there shouldn't be a power struggle. There was a ground established that I could stand on, I told her I wouldn't bother her unless I was fucked up, and to hit me up whenever she felt like it. I actually could've been, but as always I threw it out. A few days later I get fucked up, I tell her I miss her, explain how crazy I feel about her, even said something along the lines of,"Let's make a deal, when we grow up and you become a man, I'll become a woman and we get married". That's not the person she wanted to see, and I'm pretty sure earlier she didn't really care much either. Like I said, I felt toyed with, that's what it sounded like. I'm there to talk to when she's bored, according to her she only has two friends. I'm a convenience and a cheap source of entertainment, get teased like a dog with a ball. But after that night wherever I stood didn't exist anymore, because she said she didn't want to talk to me when I'm high, I say I'm always high, I don't have to be on drugs, and she said she doesn't think she wants to be friends again. As constantly said, wouldn't surprise me if she didn't care earlier either, but it's better the way things are. I even told her about a failed attempt last year and after telling her it confirmed she didn't care. She said shes glad i didn't and when I asked why she said it's cause she'd feel guilty. Besides her having the esteem to think it was just about her, it shows how she thinks. She only talked to me out of guilt and probably pity, she didn't want both sides of me, she just wanted the dumbass, not the sensitive one also .

  I may want to talk to her, I may thirst for that attention from her, but it's better that I don't get any. At least I hope it is.

Shaded

People forget while I'm the big reminder
People move on while I live where life's timeless
People change while me? A line's more dynamic
I may be well rounded but the titanic I captain
Self-condemnation as my blood get's saturated
The pills, the masturbation, the momentum activated
The signs I try to read  but I might as well be dyslexic
I see the trouble coming, but do I run? No I test it
I've heard of blind faith, but being blind is just different
Tired of sitting here, asking for direction
I don't know where I'm going so I'm off to meet a message
Maker says hello and I tell him death's a blessing
Try and take a minute to have a conversation
Ask him where he's been and ask him where I'm headed
He just stands there so I list off my positives
I'm funny, I can write, I can talk, I can listen
I'm a leader among leaders but secretly a sheep
I can stand strong as much as I can curl up and weep
I care to say hello because to the world you're just another
But in my blind eyes you're a world I've never been
There's more to faith than confidence where you're going
Just as I see blind that my mind's not all knowing
It's illusioned, deluded, dissecting every thought
Over complicated for my own good that I've wrought
A bird's just a bird, not feather wing and beak
A song's just a song, not a message to the weak
So I'll weep, sitting here in my room
Thinking up thoughts that I might say to you
I know the answers no but I can't help but try
My mind's been made up, whether you're girl or guy
Whether you're big or small, gaunt or well fed
I'm living for the day, tomorrow I could be dead
I don't know who this is for, I guess general public
Definitely not for you who thinks that it is

Speak Up

I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
Anyways

I'm sitting here moping on the screen like a pixel
Got this dust in my face like a pistol
Whipping out these words like a semi
Getting fully automatic as my soul dies
And

I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say

WHY ASK ME A QUESTION? If you didn't want the answer
Stop peeping in my room like I wronged the master
Stop teasing a chance that you know I can't take
You hate my friends, I was a mistake
That's all that you see, why can't you be proud
I'm making it my way, please come around
You don't know my life, you just know the cloud
Closed my door shut I need to keep you out
You lost your last chance, I guess it wasn't found
Time and time again I try and do my own thing
But you can't take it, you gotta be the queen
Fuck your domicile if you can't be civil
Stop tryna run the race from a pedestal
And

I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say

I'm standing hear shouting but you ask me to speak up

Better keep my mouth shut, words are wasted on you

Why talk to a wall? You're standing in my way

Just crumble, today's not your day

You're out of your prime, only serve to annoy

To prime the new generation means support their choice

When you launch an arrow it's out of your hands

Not an airplane like when I was a kid

Gotta realize that I'm feeling out of place
Aspire to move mountains and stand with the greats
School isn't the answer, it's the obstacle here
Tryna make music, time to face my fears
And

I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice you can't hear what I say
I lost my voice now I don't know what to say

To Backstabber by Contrary Beats

As It Sets In

First impressions really are everything. Sadly, that impression includes looks. I've arrived people, at the rut, the one I mention all the time. Nothing worse than not having a job over the summer where your friends aren't always available and no girl to spend time with in person or even online. It's a sad and lonely life I feel faced with right now. While I will say I finished writing for my first mixtape, I still need to practice them to get on top of the beat. I'm still writing other stuff too, and need beats for a couple of the tracks.
I find my standards aren't that specific, and a lot of it is under what conditions I've seen the girl smile.There was one girl I treated like crap under the suspicion she liked me because I didn't. I should've given her a chance given that I can't reject every girl that doesn't interest me when I want chicks to give me a chance. I do feel like I gave her a chance though. I got to know her, that should be enough. Normally if I ask a girl it's before I get to know them, where them saying no doesn't matter. If I ask after I do I still talk to them normally, and it's kinda like nothing happened, but then again that's just how I do, now. This girl she seemed like a fucking pity party, very depressing and I tried, I really tried to get her to stop being a depressive person but shew as too negative, so I said whatever and screwed off. I got guilted into apologizing then she thought there was still a chance, she just had to dig. Started telling me that she thinks I'm not a dick, and it's just my shell, that I'm trying to keep people away cause I prefer to be alone. I'm just an asshole, plain and simple. I like being an asshole, my friends enjoy me as an asshole. That's just how we do. When I get to know you and get comfortable with you I tend to crack on you a lot. It's friendly. Especially sensitive subjects, it's intentional. If you can laugh at your problems you realize how small they are, that's why comedians are so effective, because people realize that shit's not really that bad. I swear if I could get into improv acts, or just write stand up acts first, I would become a comedian before a chemist. I want to make people happy, I love seeing people smile, even the stupid ones. A chemist can achieve that, but that happiness isn't genuine, it's fucking synthetic, otherwise known as unnatural. The reason anti-depressants aren't abused more than you're prescribed to is because they're just SSRIs, otherwise known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. In short that means they cause your brain to flood with serotonin by not taking any away and amping up the output at the same time. Serotonin equals happy. Serotonin can't achieve euphoria without other transmitters to accompany them. You'd have to be screwing someone that you love more than anything else in the world, and probably eating 3 cakes also to get there. SSRI's leave you in serious withdrawal as your body gets lazy with them doing all the work. They're also dangerous because you can have Serotonin syndrome, otherwise known as overdosing on your hormones. You know what doctor's don't prescribe? I'll give you a hint, it doesn't cost shit. Sunlight. That shit is good as fuck for you. Lets start off with that Serotonin and Melatonin are structural analogues. Anyone with sleeping problems knows what Melatonin is, but for those that don't it's what your body produces at night to prepare you to sleep. Them being structural analogues means that their molecular structures are very similar. To keep it short, Serotonin is produced when you get sunlight, not artificial light I'm talking UV rays, you also get some Vitamin D. Melatonin is produced when you get darkness. Your body only produces one at a time. Depression is on the rise because everyone lives indoors these days, who the fuck spends more than an hour outside at a time. As for other neurotransmitters that affect mood there's Dopamine (Content), Epinephrine (Adrenaline), Noepinephrine (Focus), and Oxytocin (Love). SNRIs are Serotonin and Epinephrine reuptake inhibitors, with some effect on Oxytocin and Dopamine levels also. In short, that's how the euphoria is achieved. Stimulants work on Dopamine receptors, and Dopamine is processed into Noepinephrine. Most common SNRIs? MDMA and Sassafrass. Illegal but the only reason they're worse than an SSRI is because they're abusable because they work on other receptors. My goal is to make a marketable SNRI if I'm to be a chemist, but that just makes the problem worse. I don't want to be a therapist because it's the same thing, prescribe medicine that causes more damage than help when used daily. Talking only gets you so far, I'm not going to be getting far if I prescribe sunlight and social interaction. Comedians bring happiness, music brings an ease to the pain. I WANNA DO SOMETHING INSPIRING. Chemistry is good and all but is it really that beneficial in what I would and seek to achieve by pursuing it? Hell no.
Now to tie this into girls because obviously it looks like I veered way off topic. The girls that I tend to like range from stupid to intelligent but there's something they share, they know how to smile. OH BOY DO THEY KNOW HOW TO SMILE. I know also that some of them know how to have a good time, that's an essential to life, not to rip off "Shameless". The second girl from Gov School(Girl number 4 of the year)? Initially I thought she was a bitch because she always looked pissed, and could be aggressive, but then I also heard her laugh and found her cute. I went to a Gov School outing because we do that type of shit and saw her playing sports and I couldn't help but be stunned. SHE WAS FUCKING RADIANT. She was having fun or atleast looked like it and was just majestic with her layups. On the other end I'm also always drawn in and intrigued by people that know how to smile but are also cynical cunts. There's a difference between being depressing and being depressed. A depressed or damaged person doesn't make it obvious, they hide behind a smile that they try to make genuine, but know how to smile when the time comes. That's what the first gov school girl was like.(Girl number 2 of the year) The girl I'm pursuing right now? Well I feel she's not that interested so that slightly kills me inside. She's always brushed off my comments and half the messages I make on facebook, but now I just feel pissed and contorted about it. Girl number four still ain't out my head yet either, especially since Gov School still has outings, and I can't help but look over at her every now and then, and also feel awkward the closer to her I am, or when she so much is in my line of sight and it's not me doing it. But eh fuck it right?

Move On

Let's leave the past in the past and present to the future
Accept the gift forget the former
Patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait
I need to recognize my gifts before it's too late
Can't close the gap I'm in a league of my own
Not to jinx myself but this banger blows
This mindset sucks, I'm a sober little fuck
All in good time, I'll relapse on my own
Got a personality like I loaded up on lodestones
I either attract or repel, either way I'm boned
All alone, I entered this way
Imma leave this bitch with you wanting to pray
Fuck my destiny but I embraced it anyways
Worse than Liu Kang, I never ran away
Now you hear me muttering off cause I know I'm in a rut
It's relapse retrial recover restart

Let's leave the past in the past and present to the future
I forgot the words but the song ain't over
Patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait
I need to recognize my blessings before it's too late
Got the crew at my back, got the crew to the front
Mad dog syndrome as I'm rolling up the blunt
I need a shot of something if I'm to get better
Hopeless yet happy as I write her a letter
Hippy mindset but feeling set to fail
Why pick up a pen when my life's off the rails
Imma get a degree, that sure as hell ain't me
Engineer my failure from the start
I only asked for a part in my own fate to be
But you pushed me to the side, fuck being happy
I better say goodbye before I forget
That I loved you once, can't say never again

I've left the future in the past and forgotten bout the present
I display my gifts despite no happy ending
Found myself curled up in a ball
Too scared to ask that one question
Liquid courage isn't close to the real thing
Especially when you wake up not remembering
Gotta piece up the puzzle but this jigsaws in half
To start things off get up from the bath
Retrace my steps, find out where the fuck I've been
I find myself stuck still busy remembering
I've been there before, too scared to be there again
Still at the start but I'm staring at an end
I've picked up the pen but the cartridge ran dry
It's still not to late, but what's it mean to try

Ugh, I ain't never going back
Be up on this bitch like I ride a Cadillac
Blunt pass, burn hash, and a fat ass dab
And a mind set reminding that I'm never looking back
I ain't this girl's bitch and not bout to be the next
Just relax, no questions, and please no press
Go with what I said, as I lift the next weight
Haul the next sack, ready for the next day
What I say? I said I'm never going back
Hit the pass, more lax than a laxatative ass
Let the shit flow like an enema bulb
Watch em all jealous that I'm finally acting whole
Watch em all jealous that this kid has got the flow
Watch em all jealous that this kid is on the go
Why? Cause he's never turning back
He may be facing forward but his heart's under attack
My shit is on fire as my soul burns a path
Natural resource , energy and wrath

I ain't never coming back
Mary Jane's my mistress so you can hit the sack
Lucy, side bitch and molly for vacation
But I don't need no bitches to feel the sensation
Heart racing like a mustang
Kid's a colt so listen for the bang
As I fire off like a loaded gun
I might stop a bit but the shit's not done
Cause I'm never turning back
Regret's for the weak and underconfident
Not a guilty pleasure, just pleased to be here
Still got two legs, three eyes, and my hair
Tear you into two just to match me
Just just just just just just please
Realize that I'm done
Imma keep talking cause I know that you won

Just Another Pretty Personality

Yo, I'm Just another pretty personality
Peeping Tom from the knights of society
Tasting defeat before the battle starts
The king's deceit ain't got me going far
A filthy casual and impersonal prick
A beefy motherfucker with everyday for play
Hide behind humor and hit a hard hit
Too stoned to function without a little bit
Caffeine deficient so my mind ain't right
Breaking out in hives and sweating every night
Keep it tight though, I roll with the crew
It's all bros no hoes so I wish I rolled with you
Trying to take this down to a science
Serotonin overflow got my heart defiant
Mind's too distracted to see what's what
And the eyes too busy staring down at her butt

Yea, I'm just a pretty personality
Pacing out the pain as I pay the price of salary
Let the cocksuckers bark ill stand still strong
A stonewall to these slaves of society
Commanding the masses and the trinity
Call me the general general, making genocide
Purge out the dark and give into the light
A hero's a villain to someone sides me
It's money music mental and a little bit of mayhem
Mind over matter and wherever the hell it came from
Satan said hi so I dapped the brother up
Wear a crown with Peter Pan before he grows up
Come on Wendy, come fly with me
Got some fairy dust to divide for free
Roll up the joint and get high with me
Break a bottle on your head, oops, Teehee

Aye, I'm just a petty personality
Chicks be flocking to me like an ant to the celery
This pic-a-nic's not for me, but I'll eat it anyways
Come on BooBoo, They can have another any other day
Just another kid tryna fill his shoes
I don't wanna admit it but I don't know what to do
So I'll stand in the corner cracking corny jokes
Why'd the chicken cross the road? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW
Maybe the chicken worked the corner and needed a cigarette
Blew a guy for money so it could get the next pack
Hopped across the street, couldn't fly, too domestic
Got hit by the car cause she just hopped off a dick
Or maybe the chicken's just a dumbass kid like me
Didn't care just did it to do it to be free
Someone told him no so he ran straight across the street
Got hit by a car, roadkill, tastes deer but chicken meat

Overdosed on horomones, my brains soaked in bleach
I'm a fickle little fucker, fuck a thought I need meat
I need a little bitch, I need a little teet
I need a little bit to hold me over for a week
As my ass is on trial, judge you're offended not my fault
Never once been offensive, I'm just here to share my thoughts
Surrounded by lovers but alas I love alone
And a target's just a target not a lover to own
As I'm out on my own, blended into the crowd
Endure the dirty looks as I stand proud
A senile loon soaring high like an eagle
Carried off to sea on the backs of the regal
But the backs are getting broken because they can't take the weight
Never once had to work, never once had to wait
Now they find the predicament that I carried clear
Hard work pays off if you ever get there

You gotta persevere, wait to congratulate
Instantly gratified but the reward came too late
Playing games is so easy these days
The challenge is to find it, I mean what can I say?
I don't play nice, I break all my toys
But I break it I buy it and I find a new joy
Throw it in the loony bin or punt that kickball
Run around laughing as yal wait for the fall
But I'm balanced like a badass that just blasted off in bliss
Blatantly speaking my britches are too big
Trying too hard at jocking at that ass
But the mare made a run before I made a pass
Too busy looking now I'm stuck in last
Too busy moaning now I'm stuck in the past
Too busy to be busy, or to even make sense
I may be stuck back but my thinking's too fast

God is my witness, don't contest what I profess
Only lies heard are by those I disrespect
Mutilate and reject, for a second then again
Got the blunt burning fore I ever picked up the pen

Still fucking high, haven't hit that shit for weeks
Got that natural B.O. weed's not why I wreak
Better mess with me, fore you get at my team
Sheep in wolf clothing, don't trust what I see
Put on the shades, and reboot the mind phase
Got a terabyte of RHYME to leave you in a haze
Inducing rigamortis and I'm madder than a city
Got a low self-esteem so tell me that I'm pretty
My wordplay seeming shitty
Let me allude to better times
All I did was rhyme, but I made a good sketch
Lets sharpen shit, and slowly color in
Restyling my schemes as I start focusing
My life's a remix got that slut on repeat
And the records making skips

Give you lip, not an attitude problem
You earned the words, now get to problem solving
I bleed indigo and you're still bleeding red
Got the colors of the rainbow all upside my head
Check under the bed, my monster's gone missing
Oh shit I drank him, no wait, he's in the kitchen
Tryna cook up something good, that shit's smelling dank
Better than a brownie or some spiked creme brulee
Taste the defeat, wear it like lipstick
Not a badge of courage, you're still a dipshit
Telling you now, stop riding this dick
I was a god before you, and now you just missed it


Just scraping up old unfinished drafts, be prepared for more posting. This appeals to me as a shitpost though.

Apathy

Day after day every day feels the same
As my general attitude drives me insane
A little bit off the road, the steering wheel's stuck
I got the call back, I didn't make the cut
No job, no cash, no flow, just funk
It's time routine maintenance, I'm routinely done
Lemme triple check my schedule to make time for fun
Go out with the guys, eat a meal, and I'm done

Every day's a new one, that sounds like bullshit
I've been at page one and for weeks I've read it
I'm at the point where all I can say is fuck it
If you ain't got a dick then we should be fucking
If you ain't part of the crew then you're practically worthless
If you didn't know by now I'm still an amateur wordsmith
Playing with these puns, conceited alliteration
Assonance, Consonance, these big words I'm saying
I'm displaying my mind like it's in a glass case
Stolen from the museum but tonight it's on break
I can go forever, I'm on grind all day
Rapping on my god shit, pop m&ms then pray
I told you once and now I'll say it again
No time for nothing, not even for the dead
I didn't cry at all as I watched daddy die
His body burnt to ashes and I didn't say goodbye

Fuck the funeral, he was a dick to me
Fuck the apathy, I couldn't care for he
Fuck the fuck's that I gave, fuck this bliss that I made
Fuck the fucking game, fuck the shit that I'm saying
Fuck this life that I live to just throw it away
Fuck the chase that I give when I'm running away
Fuck this day because it's the same as before
I wokeup and died and tomorrow reborn


To Inner Demons by Djay U4RIA

THIS IS WHY I'M STILL SINGLE WOOT WOOT!

I've found it increasingly disturbing and disgusting, yet interesting, how easily I can become infatuated with another person. Be it that they're just cute, or their personality happens to be glowing, or just that they're a girl, I eventually gain a high level of infatuation with them. I even went so far as to ask a few people why girl's are so cute, and I got a good answer from one of them. It's because I'm a teenager and I know I'm attracted to girls so I find them attractive. Pretty straightforward, and so either it's the loneliness or the hormones that are starting to get to me. I read something and it indicated that what I'm suffering is classified as lust. Yes, that is correct, lust doesn't require the need to doink whatever is nearby. Apparently Spongebob embodies lust. Lust gets defined as "excessive love of others" which translates to that I've been an embodiment of lust considering my outlook on people in general, and the fact that I've fallen deeply in love with humanity itself. It just disturbs me.... I mean I've always been a loopy little fuck but I also always chose specific people to "lust" after, while this year it's more like every girl that I meet gets chosen. Sometimes I don't think it's even confined to girls, not saying that I daydream about blowing dudes, more like saying that sometimes I find dudes attractive as hell. I don't think there's a problem with that though, there really shouldn't be. I generally see beauty everywhere I look. When it comes to dudes I don't get a hard on the way girls give me a hard on, oh god the hard on. Don't even get me started on how fucking annoying a hard on has been lately. Normally I have enough exerted control over my body that when in public, unless I just woke up, I don't have a hard on. Now whether it's because I'm on the back end of a caffeine binge, otherwise known as going through withdrawal, and feel tired everywhere I go, or that I'm just getting deeper into the hole I don't remember stumbling into, now I find myself with boners as much as I find myself softer than clay. Take my weightlifting class. I normally have complete and utter control because I'm not going to be the dumb ass caught in his gym shorts with a hard on while a girls squatting, I looked in her direction, not even watching her squat.....and there it is. I didn't even realize it was there until I got on the bench press and quickly stood up and sat back down on the block where I was when I probably got it.

On another note related to the first note, this is probably the third note at this point, I have a new gameplan. Early in the school year I picked my targets. God, what an awful way to put it but that is practically what they ended up being, besides friends. Anyways, there were three, three is my lucky number, ironically it's an unlucky number in Chinese culture, but it's always been the lucky number of me and my brother. The first girl is the white girl that I made laugh in my English class. Didn't work out...we still talk every now and then and I definitely entertain her. Second one was a fox, in my definition of a fox that is, and she was in all my gov school classes. Really amazing in my opinion, also overly dedicated seeming to robotics, and most of all she lets a dark underlayer peek out every now and then which really REALLY intrigues me. Then the third girl, ah you know what they say, third times the charm, but also three strikes you're out. She was another fox, my 4th fox to date if I'm counting properly, I could consider her my third fox because I technically knew who she was before I met the fox before her, but I didn't know of her as a fox until after I recognized the prior fox. Back to the subject though, she is amazing. We have semi-similar stories behind us, while she lives with less freedom and I live with freedom I had to fight for and establish, she's half white half black and I'm half white half asian, we both want to do stuff outside of college though, and lost a parent at an early age. Most importantly, both of us are self-dependent, in the sense that we didn't have a lot of parental influence as kids. While with me it was because my mom was always off visiting my dad, her dad was always out working. I don't even know how to describe how I feel towards her, just that I waited to ask her last because I was hoping the most that she'd say yes. Anyways, all three gave me nos. First one pretty much shrugged it off, while the other two gave me the "lets stay friends" answer. Third one though it felt different. But my plan was after I asked those three women, I'd take a break assuming that all three say no, which they did. By take a break I mean no more girl chasing until the summer. My new gameplan was start playing League to try and interact with one of my "new targets', again I hate using the term "target", which hasn't played out yet, and that hopefully over the summer there will be Gov School get togethers and I'll just slink up next to her and ask her then. Or any other girl that interests me for that matter.

I gotta be honest I don't even know what it means to be in a relationship. If I were to be in a relationship with #3 then it would be purely over the internet because her dad doesn't want her to have a boyfriend. Shit wouldn't change is what I'm saying. If I were to be in a relationship with anyone else I don't know what I'd say, what I'd do, what means moving too fast, what means going too slow, etc etc. Too many fucking bylaws to abide by when it comes to a relationship and I don't know a single standard that's been established for my generation. My go to for asking a girl on a date is literally I take them to the Sweet Frog near my house and then we watch movies in my room until she has to go home. Probably listen to some music somewhere in there also. Just learn about each other. When I look back at that I don't think that'd even work. For following hanging out I envision myself literally just taking a nap with her like she's a fucking teddy bear, which I honestly think is a little screwed up. Who knows there might be a girl that'd be down for that. I don't care to screw. The possible responsibility that it entails, I'm not going to be ready for it for a long time.

What's a saint to a sinner, god to the devil?
Death to an angel or rust on the medal
A demon playing good boy, no work, just play
Only when he works do other people pray
Only when there's something wrong is there ever a right
Only in existence when there's something to fight
Take your problems elsewhere, this office has been closed
Condemned, demolished, wrecked, blown

You can find me in a ditch
You find me digging graves
You can find me running miles
But I'm lost to you today
You can find me far out
You find me with the waves
You can find me in the flow
But I'm lost to you today
But I'm lost to you today
But I'm lost to you today

You fucking casual, I won't be a casualty
I'm not here to serve, unless that means me
These therapy sessions have taught me something new
Took me awhile to realize it but I fucking hate you
Go complain somewhere else you stupid little bitch
No longer here to listen to or hear all your shit
You deluded, convoluted, scrap of a human being
Go rant like a dumbass to someone else please

I'm the kid with an attitude, sharp tongue
I'm the kid with a megamind, fuck guns
Big head, blue blood, not an alien
Just the carry that's in for the millions
Take my time like a tortoise ,Body taut like rigamortis
Imma leave you all contorted, I'll control your very person
I'll consume the soul of haters, kinda busy, fuck you later
I'm the king of masturbaters, as I master master bait her

Getting lazy on the mic, but fucking everyday I write
Got verses for week but none are feeling tight
Pump that mindset feeling right Bump the music, it's a'ight
Hippies to the beastcoast and inbetween tonight
Peter Pan ain't as fly as I soar up in the sky
Sag my pants, shoot the wind, slowly die
Suicide, Regicide, betrayers on my side
As I size up the problem and blow it open wide
Take a peak into my mind, help me slowly turn the tide
Burn the beast and flay it's hide, Hit my homie for the ride
Sorry momma but I lied, college just ain't for me
Not looking to be lounging in a loveseat sipping tea
Fuck the tweed, plant my seed, grow a tree, living free
Eradicate the enemy I'll just convert them all to me
Honestly, my family's all just fuckers
A jammin band of Judas and a Jesus for the gunner

Bumblefucked in nowhere as I fuck around with words
I'll try and find my way but I can't stay the course
My life is up to me but I don't feel that's right
Feeling kinda docile, did I give up the fight?
Where am I going, What am I doing
Why is it that I'm the one stuck with the proving
Society's my judge but I'm already my idol
Simon says fuck you I can only say why though



To Clubsht by Djay U4RIA

Sir

A knight in shining armor is a man never tested
A pet in tinfoil that's never been bested
A beast in bitch clothing that he bought never rented
A knight in shining armor is a man never tested

Just a former roly poly roll my weed up and I smokey
Rolling out of town once I'm stoned and super loaded
Knight in shining armor? Naw I'm kinda rusty
Chivalry's dead but I'll still get to busting
Banging on the beat as I'm breaking out the best
Done more than joust, you can tell from the dents
They say I'm a dick, I say I'm a gent
On my way to heaven but I'm kinda hell-bent

A knight in shining armor is a man never tested
A pet in tinfoil that's never been bested
A beast in bitch clothing that he bought never rented
A knight in shining armor is a man never tested

Can't see your eyes in my reflection
I do what I want, fuck redemption
If I'm to be the hero of my story I'll stop reading
No happy ending, no problem, no feeling
Pick up another book and read the first half
Heat another nail and burn up the dab
The nail's to my coffin were shiny indeed
Brand new, clean pressed, fresh from the bank to me

A knight in shining armor is a man never tested
A pet in tinfoil that's never been bested
A beast in bitch clothing that he bought never rented
A knight in shining armor is a man never tested

My brand new jays were brand new a year ago
My snap back fitted on my dome a few more
The nikes on my feet made my cypher complete
But the scars that I wear made it something to read
Got a burn mark, a scrape, a few slashes, a dent
A kid on the inside of a man of the dead
I wear my colors proud, blue black and red
With a white tint on it from my white tinted dad

I'd like to review my gamer habits and my involvement in the gamer community. I REALLY want to start up a twitch stream, or just upload my gameplay to Youtube and I would, I really would, but my fucking computer and internet is too shitty. I don't even know why, I had a program that worked perfectly when it came to recording games with my commentary and all that bullshit, but I can't find it. My internet is so shitty that if I twitch streamed my gameplay I'd probably lag too much to play, I tried just steam streaming it to a laptop so a friend could watch what I did and it had horrible, horrible results. I somehow managed to win the game though, emphasis on somehow. I played a heavy carry that was dced for 5 minutes while my lanemate fed. But that's beside the point. Another problem is I don't watch enough gameplays online, whereas my brother watches that more than anything else on youtube, so besides Dota I wouldn't know what to do to entertain people. I just know there's a crapload of commentary.

The list of games I currently play and would love to stream and do the challenges and all that good shit is at this right now.
1. Dota (of course)
2. Binding of Issac Rebirth (I'm actually mad about this because I had a lot of progress with him but then steam cloud rolled it back for no fucking reason)
3. Civ 5 (Not the best game to stream but if I play hard and do stupid shit the way I learned people love to watch then I could definitely make it somewhere with it)
4. Warlock Master of the Arcane (Personally I prefer it to Civ 5 but there's still a lot more for me to explore in Warlock)
5. Risk of Rain ( A perfect game to do runs with, not on the level of shit like Binding of Issac though, I don't think there's an end to it)
6. Dungeons of Dredmor (Love this game to death, I don't know why I never put it on my laptop before I stepped on the screen which I never said anything about)
7. Spelunky ( This game should be higher up but I haven't played it in so long and when I did it was with a controller so I'd have to transition to PC because fuck capture cards)

There's probably many more to add that I play like a fucker but those are the ones that I could do a good enough commentary on, except the last 3. I used to play Spelunky a shit ton but never learned all the secret mechanics and shit. Again, I don't even know how to start it up. It'd take me awhile to and since I wouldn't be twitch streaming it might be harder to make money because I'm stuck with youtube videos. I only even say I know how to be a dota caster because I read up on articles on dota, I know the items, I play enough that I'm not just aware of new meta but I play with old meta to an advantage as well. From what I've scraped people watch dotacasts to either learn metas, learn to play, or for the caster. I could probably do all 3, but biggest problem would be the caster part. I also like to play "retard builds" which are the ones that you fuck someone up and they're just like, the fuck just happened.

As for other ventures, right now I'm considering League again, I also might start playing Smite. Smite is just because I have another friend that is the gamer type, that I can trust to know what the fuck he is doing, and Smite is a game that my brother used to play and my other gamer friend would probably switch to if my brother and I started playing it also. The transition however would probably fuck me over completely because of the 1st person view versus the top down view that I'm familiar with, also because you have to aim autoattacks and there's a massively different meta compared to Dota in terms of lane setups. League is just because well, to put it plainly, bitches. Bitches, Bitches, Bitches. When I'm in a slump playing Dota I consider playing League to refresh my intuitive brain matter because I gotta relearn League every time I play and know completely jackshit about it whenever I play it. But I'd never transition unless my true motive was because of a girl. Last year I started playing because one of my friends who's a gamer chick kept telling me to and I figured why the fuck not, I was always thinking about getting in her pants too but now I couldn't really give a fuck, she's dating one of my pally pals also so there's that. But this year is cause of a chick in my class that plays it, of course I don't talk to her much so it'll give me something to talk about. I'm already at least acquaintances with her brother, her twin brother, and he tells me to play League with them so I figured why the fuck not, I'm going to refresh my abilities in playing League for a week and hit him up and blame it on my Dota slump. Also, it seems that all people will play is League and I don't know any dotafags outside of my brother and our friend. Cause I'm still running Hipster Darth Vader I'm also still trying to interact with the community and so I invited people to play League. I tried it with Dota and everything else I could think of but it was all a no go.

We had our different thoughts but I miss you like I missed me
Caught up in my own shit, no time left for daddy
No thoughts left behind, but many words left unspoken
I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted, unbroken
I waited to feel but always knew it was real
Have my monthly mental, tears and an onion peel
Never got to say goodbye, so here's an adieu
Despite our differences, dad, I really miss you

I'm not the son that you wanted, but I'm the son that you got
Never sold on your ideas but my love you still bought
Only thing to hold onto is your memory
No hands, no hugs, not a happy family
Now this house is more hell than heaven's ever been
You missed me on the come up, artistic development
When I become a man, the first son is after you
Maybe he'll get to say goodbye, but here's your adieu

Your cub's grown his mane, damn right he grew his heart
Still much left to do, but you saw the best part
I was off on my own when you came home
Didn't see me grow up, but the end product
Stranger with a title and yet you still tried
Stopped torturing yourself, so I watched you die
Just go to sleep dad, please close your eyes
I saw you suffer once, now it's my turn to try

Last week was awesome, this week's my slump
Last year was the best, now this year's just dumb
Yesterday's tomorrow and tomorrow's next month
Time I stop staring at moonlight waiting for the sun

What you doing sitting? Well the war is never won
So why fight the change if the fight's never done
People are mutes except when they have a gun
But arming this army is a task never done
Dude this apathy's amazing, better than any drug
Better than blazing on the haze and then going for a run
Still leaves you out of breath, cause breathing's just no fun
Why fight the boredom when the boredom's never gone

Why pursue love when nothing lasts forever
When the sun in your sky becomes the clouds to your weather
My firefly won't shine her light
Stuck without it. What's dark or bright
No longer on the hunt, I've lost the scent
But it's love at first sight, this girl was god sent
My prophet may be new but there were many before her
Every trail missing and missing on closure

I just can't stand the thought of failing on another
I'd go for the next one, but honestly why bother
They call it falling in love, but it's more like I'm crashing
Brick walls, the pavement, the light post, the passion
The secure insecurities that made me no fun
Just a halfassed laugh and a kid on the run
A mind torn in two but stitched up as one
I'd tell you my name but that person's long gone

I walk the plane of death as I lay in plain sight
I gamble with the gods as I gabble on my rights
I sip a slippy slurry and I sip a drip of meow
I pick a pickled pepper and I prick a powerhouse
I peck at the wound as the wounded lay dead
I snort up the air as the hogs lay in bed
I roar as you growl and wax as you wane
I walk the world as one, but I act this life in twain

B LAZ E's the bastard and the master rapper
He's on an eighth of everything, higher than a planet
The god of the devil and the saint of the sinners
The demon from heaven and the angel of the heathens
Bitch is on bitch mode, breaking a mold
Madder than a hatter and wiser than the old
Continuing to banter, to rant, to scold
B LAZ E's the guru to Alan's world

Alan's the little kid and the war chief
A chef and an artist and a little thief
Behind his little grin is an intent to sin
To play with his toys and break them in
Didn't always play nice but now he's got the pack
Always had troubles but now he's done with that
Eternally a kid and seriously talented
Wasted potential but he's drinking the life in

They call me wasted potential, it's cause I'm collegebound
They call me wasted potential, my mind's more than sound
They call me wasted potential, as the bottle's poking out
They call me wasted potential, cause I said fuck collegetown
I don't wanna be the kid sitting in his seat
A day's better spent sitting at home beating meat
Where am I going to apply the shit I learned today
I'm a self taught asshole that's all I can say
What good is calc, what good is all this chem
What good is the good that left my brain feeling dead
I could develop a drug, my bad I meant weapon
Or a cash sum for a company that thinks it's a blessing
Write a report on the book I read last week
No actually sparknoted, what could the difference be?
My hands are in the air, I'm learning concept
You heard about the war? I just heard about the deaths
Hypocrisy is society's number one rule
Lead you the wrong way, they fuck up? you're the fool
It's all about the money, what do the number's mean?
It's all about the I, forget about the team
Spelling's had to improve in the years that we've traveled
Cause kids these days are ready for the battle
There's more camaraderie , more ousted hypocrisy
We're all in a cage, there's no such thing as free
So like a lion at the zoo that was born in the wild
Imma just adjust and scrape out a life
Maybe bleach my collar and get me a wife

Dat New New Remix

Name's B LAZ E
Kinda new here
Just a short verse or two
Check it tho

I'm a born again hippy, that's missing a missus
But I'm taking down names, as I'm wading through bitches
I let my hair down, as I'm lost in the crowd
Getting high off life, no puffing on loud
Here's the indigo age, and I got my headstart
Spread the fucking love,  you best do your part
Daddy always said that I'd be a star
But he bit the grave stone before I got far
Now I'm locked in a cage and the warden's lost the key
Need Samson's strength if I'm to be free
Be sure to check me on my biblical shit
The age of gods begins and I'm the flagship

I used to rap shit now I leave it in the dirt
As a kid I littered but now I love the earth
Care for my brother's, say holla to my sisters
Wave down the gunner that's shouting at a preacher
Right now Imma sound like a heretic
Honestly though I couldn't give a shit
They say god's not dead and I used  to agree
Now new god's are born on the rise of the free
The government's falling, their castle's are crashing
New Battlegrounds have come a calling
New markets are bringing the cash in
Dat new new, it's the new age of rapping
It used to have attitude, now it's the hippies
Lemme join in, my style it's fitting
Those that hear the howl know the pack's winning
I'm starting off small but watch I'll make a killing

On a mission to, Desensitize, These feral minds, On their pharaoh grinds
Lemme sanitize, Renew your light, Proceed to mind, Only leisure time
Just chillaxing, relaxing, and playing
A game that I'm not real aware I was playing
You'll feel what I'm saying as I'm saying
That I'm down in the dirt but I'm clean
Married to life with no ring
Left puffing on a tree that went out about a week
It's like Hanukkah, the high's still here
Say hi to my peers, wave bye to my tears
Act like I'm sleeping and forget my fears
Where is it that I am going with this?
Am I gonna be a great? Or just shit
Gonna be an engineer or a kid
Get a wife or a bitch
Or just move on with it

Pursuant to succeed

This path is up to me

An artist at best but a fucker for now
A vulgar little monster with a broken crown
It's B LAZ E, the blasted bastard
Castrated monkey with a feeling of master
Cause I found the keys to his cage, But i'M raging
You didn't get what you want?
Not responsible for your cravings
Now you feel what I'm saying?
I'm tryna trailblaze but the engine's a stutter
You can't hear what I'm saying
I might as well mutter
As you gobble down the butter
Control's a dish best served cold
Society's a consumer that likes it old
Fuck tradition, as I fill my prescription
Live a little bit before I seek redemption
But you players stuck focused on consumption
While Me? I'm stuck focused on a message
Third eye's a blessing
Got a bowl full of resin
Made some mistakes so far but I learned my lesson
I took my tests
Passed them on the fly
In This system I seek to defy
As I defile your mind, and I get on my grind
Will I make it on time?

Pursuant to succeed

This life is up to me

A kid in man's shoes but a sheep in wolf's clothing
I'm still on the prowl as I'm busy growing
Gotta realize,awaken to the real life
As I patronize, those that use to patronize
Dad's dead, mom's fake, and brother's still here
Got the wolf pack behind me howling in my ear
I guess I got nothing left to fear
With the future on lock, I'm at the bottom of a rut
Love lost , fucking stuck, and actually kinda drunk
Gonna grow up, fucking stuck and acting like a punk
No love for my mom, no grave yard visit
Any family time is turned down cause I'm fucking busy
I'm left feeling unsatisfied
Is it right that I waited so long to cry
Life's got me stuck on a grind, no time
Free time's feeling fake as I make the next line
As I write the next paper, pity the next mind
Leave myself behind as I question suicide
I never got the answer so the future's not clear
But if my guess is right I'll still stand here

Gonna live love learn
Gotta work hard to earn
This life that should be up to me
This path that I'm walking to be free
Gonna live love learn
Gotta work hard to earn
This life that should be up to me
This path that I'm walking to be free

Gonna live love learn
Gotta work hard to earn
This life that should be up to me
This path that I'm walking to be free

Gonna live love learn
Gotta work hard to earn
This life that should be up to me
This path that I'm walking to be free

*trailing off*

Down and Out instrumental

An amalgamate
Stuck to masturbate and resuscitate
The master race
Nazi's at their finest
But no bodies buying
Call me legion
An unnatural force of nature
I'm slowly getting greater
The rewards are getting worse
But the taste is getting sweeter
Bodies piling by the meter
Shit is off the scale
As the bulls start to be the feeder
Pass a bowl of the finest
As I watch the world divided
Call me conqueror
 this hymn will be recited
A general to the masses as I amass their opinion
Anarchy's law as we take a bath in sin
Someone step up to bat as I take the first swing
Hit a home run but come in sliding
Catch the pitch, it's a walk
Why? Cause I said so
This bastard's the new master, and he holds your soul
Getting tired of beef but he killed the fucking bull
Blame it on the hormones
Made me rotten to the bone
In the zone, home alone, rooftop room is where I grow
Growing mold, on my dome, and mildew on my skull
As I slowly grow old, do less of what I'm told
I'm on my peter pan shit while you out there robbin
People need a life and I need a coffin
Why you think I smoke so much
Talk so much, crack a dutch
Roll it up and light it
Make it a real tight one
I come as god's son, the descendant of power
Slowly getting strong every hour after hour
But the seconds get longer, they become a minute
Wait a minute, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to wait on me
As I slowly catch up to the front of the pack
Just to get on my knees and break their knee caps
Cause I'm back, but nothing's set ahead
No GPS or bodies filled with lead
Just a flicker of hope, as bright as my lighter
I'm not just a lover, I'm a fighter

Child's Play

Check me on the serial or catch me on the dank
Find me all relaxed as I stroll off the plank
I can Go for a swim but first I do a triple flip
More Money to be made off of some sick shit

I'm a hippy with a plan
Hippy and the man
Hippy with a plan
Hippy and the man
Get active

Boy tonight we chilling as my boy pass me the chillum
Right now we talking deep but later we'll be children
Can't tell what's more broken, the bowl or this theme
Or the goods I broke down with my motherfucking team
Puffing OG, girl scouts, and little bit of lemon
Cloudy like blue dream but all I see is heaven
It's the Child of the Tree, The Indigo Hippy
The master blaster and the permanent trippy
Take a little sip of the smoke and the sniffy
A hit of the dank as I ready up the spliffy
Sit back, relax, hang around, we chilling
Nothing on tonight but acting like children

I'm a hippy with a plan
Hippy and the man
Hippy with a plan
Hippy and the man
Get active

The mind's getting broken like humpty dumpty
Tape it all together and pick up a little money
Who knows maybe I'll score me some honeys
Or a brand new bottle of the best P's
Starting to live lively, Puffing on the best tree
So high I can't see, Probably be a nazi
Mac said it before me, but I heil my friends daily
Swastikas and stars as I gas bitches lately
Cooking like the dutch as I'm silent but deadly
Assassin to the game with the bass super heavy
It's a trophy catch, with a little flip flop
Gonna roast it later, no time left to clock

Just a Habit

It's interesting how habitual a person can be. I chain vape a vaporizer not for the flavor or the absence of nicotine, but because I used to smoke whenever I was bored or depressed. I feel depressed this time of year because I always felt depressed this time of year since 8th grade. I don't even know why, it's just something that happens. I'm not feeling lonely, I've accepted my situation and decided on my own there's a reason I'm always single and in all honesty I doubt I really need that special someone to also hold me as that. However, there's nothing scarier than being clear minded and thinking about suicide just because life right now is boring. Life right now doesn't even feel like life. Things are seeming to kick off in a way, I finished my work on my mixtape that I'm finally going to make, Alan's In Wonderland. I just need to get some beats made for 6 or 7 of the songs, as well as record all 10. I'm starting to get my prelim sketches made for my t-shirt designs. I've even found a camera and setup an area to create gloving videos, meaning I also need to practice gloving and do constant gloving to the same song on repeat. Science fair for the most part is done too. I just need to go to states in a few weeks, and after that we're going to continue the project with the end goal of writing and publishing a paper on our research, which'll help put at least state colleges on lock if I apply to them, under the assumption I'd just spend my years there doing research under them or something. I gotta say I'd enjoy that life but it's not the most rewarding. Any revenue from the research goes to the institution, I'd only get reputation, and then go on to work for a company where whatever research I get done I don't even know what it's really for. Members of the scientific community don't normally get that much money. Money doesn't normally matter but I don't want to be dependent on a benefactor for my life either. I always had it thought out. If I don't make it as a rapper or an artist of any type I'd go to college and get a degree in chemistry, biochemistry, chemical engineering, something along those lines. Following my research years in college and hopefully the obtaining a PhD I'd go on to work in medicine and the industry of consumables. To be more specific, developing designer drugs and brewing techniques. There was also intent to create other consumables such as creating extracts to make e-juice with or anything related to cooking in general. Get a company that way, I don't know anything about most of those things though. I know how most drugs work, not how development works though. After whatever career I manage in the scientific field I'd retire as a teacher at a college, or maybe a high school, preferably a college. Or maybe by that time I'd have a set of recipes compiled in my head and can get a license and start a food truck. Back to the subject though. It's 1 in the morning, I just finished having fun, then I start watching world's greatest dad. When I see him find his son's body I just think about what it'd be like if I chose to hang myself, or slit my wrists, or anything of the like. I know my mother would freak the fuck out, that'd be the second loss in less than a year. My brother would be mortified, sometimes I feel like I'm one of his only hopes but he's grown distant lately. My friends wouldn't be surprised, considering my past of depression and my tendency to do whatever I care to, with total apathy at this point. On that point though, the friends I know on a personal level, the ones that I'd allow to refer to me with an affectionate or even pet my head, maybe they'd freak out. I know I'd leave an impact but not the biggest crater. Just the fact that I considered what it'd be like to die though. I think it'd be interesting, for the most part it wouldn't be as boring as this plane has been for the past few months. I'm swamped at Gov School, even if I get on top of my work. I'm risking getting kicked out again because I decided to blow off work in a class that a lot of people consider a joke. I should care, but I don't. Again, to let it sink in, I SHOULD CARE, BUT I DON'T. If I get kicked out I'll have more time to put into other pursuits, but I'm not confident in anything to do with it. Staying in Gov School for the most part will be rewarding as I see the crush everyday, one of the only reasons I even put in an effort to stay now, and that paper. That's a me move right there. I want to make a mark and then disappear. Of course I don't know how easy that'd be. This confidence that everything is as benefiting as it is damaging is as calming on me as it is reassuring that apathy is the best path. However, everyday I feel more and more sociopathic as a result, and to accompany it the lack of caring has led to me to be a broody, whiny, asswipe. The lack of caring has led to contemplation of things I refused to do before, and now having the answer be what's the harm? Why should I care what I give up if I"m going to get something equal in return? Even if it's my life, death is supposed to be just another trial, the door to the next step in transcendence, a way for me to advance to a new level of consciousness and ability. Death isn't something to be scared of, maybe I'd see my dad. I never got to say thank you to him anyways. He may have been a shit head but he worked as a buffer between my mom and me. Deep down I'm sure he cared a lot, just didn't know how to show it. The thing is though, I'm the most familiar with his malicious side. The only way I could see him now is if I were to do an out of body, and I wouldn't want to see him. Last time I saw him I was scared he wanted my body, and I'd be just as scared if it happened again. Me inducing death would be just as bad. My dad'll just have to wait for me to have that talk with him, hopefully it'll take awhile.

I find myself gradually growing more scared of how these next few months are going to occur. With the way my romantic history has played out, I'm not pursuant of people as much as I used to be. However, as of the last few months, I've been head over heels for three girls in particular. Already informed two of them and the third one I have a why bother attitude because her dad's the overbearing type. She's not even the subject of my attention most of the time though. It's a pretty amazing circumstance in my opinion. One girl I see everyday because she's in all of my college level classes. The other two are alternating because of the way my school's schedule is set up, then again I believe most highschools have alternating schedules. The girl I see everyday, she's why I'm worried about myself. There are some major differences but overall I keep comparing her to Blue. She inexplicably reminds me of Blue in a way that has been appearing detrimental to my own mind state. A lot of the time I even question my standing relationship with her. We're lab partners, as well as pseudo friends. In fact, she's one of the few friends I've made that don't go to the same school as me. But there have been times that I feel she's annoyed with me often but prefers not to show it. On a daily basis I avoid the constant need to talk to her online because of how whiny and needy I can be, and the few times I do one on one I normally blab my ass off. In person I'm normally nervous as fuck because she's the one "target" I have where I don't have a pre-existing standing with one of her friends, so I end up making stupid comments and laughing retardedly. As for signs of her constantly being annoyed with me but not wanting to show it, take this weekend for example. We went to science fair, won our category by the way, and I started talking about how I was about to pass out and the way she responded struck me as, shut up and stop whining. Of course, I was exhausted despite my caffeine levels, and I have a low self-esteem around her in the first place. I honestly don't know what to think. She's a sweet girl. SWEET AS FUCK. Whatever happens though the summer's going to be a bitch because I doubt she and I will interact at all, except maybe the occasional comment on each other's posts. Fuck the internet though. I think she has a boyfriend or something synonymous to it right now anyways. Nothing worse than being jealous of someone you've never even met.

I understand Gambino's infatuation with Asian girls now.

Wasted Potential

Wasted Potential

Wasted POTENTIAL

WASTED POTENTIAL

Throw a tantrum, fuck the tassle
Fuck the hassle, fuck the stress
Fuck the fuck this fuck my mess
Get a handle on it, this baby's gotta eat
Breakfast lunch and dinner with snacks in between
Pop it, Lock it, Throw it in your bucket
Live it, Love it, drunk like I'm fucking
Too busy vomiting to know what I'm slugging
Loving, Hugging, Sleeping in a pool
No bathing suit nor am I in the nude
No bitch don't you tell me what to do
Don't know me so that shit's fucking rude
Leave it, Drop it, Put it in your pocket
Leave a little know to tell you to fuck it
Shut it, Plug it, Before I shove it
Really lady you don't know nothing

Wasted Potential

Wasted POTENTIAL

WASTED POTENTIAL

Popped a cap, Popped a tab
Snort a line, Eat my cash
Drip a sip, Hit a lick
Shots fired as I bullshit
The race begins, blanks in the air
Stuck behind, catch the fear
Dank's a dish best served hot
Hot boy shit with the veins all popped
Sweating, sweating, blanking, blinking
Teething, fleeing, flaking, shaking
Tranquilized and demonized
Blissful thoughts as I roll the dice
Blank slate soldier, cut the ties
Snake's in the grass Surprise
Eye contact for sure but they sure fill you full of lies
I guess I better try, I'll work out a good deal
Take a break for now, but I still ain't got my fill
Make my move later, right now I'm in checkmate
Give me a year, I'll be somewhere at this rate

Wasted Potential

Wasted POTENTIAL

WASTED POTENTIAL

Pass the blunt, Pass the hash
Hit the pipe, your turn to cash
Fore the bitch comes knocking at the door
I want more hits before I snore
This shit is such a bore, She's lying to her core
She says she knows what's best, I don't want to hear no more
She tells me go to school, do well, and go to college
I say why waste my time, it's not gonna equal profit
I'd rather sit here working on my Go Hard grind
They say I'm collegebound but I say that this is fine
I'm wasted potential, I'm not detrimental
Spit my thoughts out on this mental
Like I just chugged down a handle
And a case or keg of beer, Get me up out of here
Gotta get to going as I slowly die from fear
A strong man sheds his tears, But the weaker man would laugh
A great man doesn't waver, so I guess here to stand
Wasted potential and I just polished my medal
I'm gonna keep going, fuck debating, I won't settle

To Go Hard(Instrumental) by DJAY U4RIA

TALK TO ME!

Analyzing a conversation with me that's been had over the internet

Do I ask a lot of questions?
Hell yes. In a one on one conversation I prefer to learn most of the time rather than blab. Asking questions shows interest in the other person, but most of all it's because I don't enjoy most people learning about me when I know them personally.It's distracting them from me in a sense.

When I am talking to a girl I like what tells that I'm nervous?
I use lol after almost every single fucking thing whether I think it's funny or not. In any other conversation I use lol only when I think it's funny, and I don't laugh when I say lol. I don't let them know when I actually started laughing.

Helpless tells
By helpless tells I mean my notions that say I feel helpless about whatever I just said. Really simple. I have a string of dots in one message, and then a lol at the end. One of the least subtle things I use in messaging.

That you are my nigga
I will greet you with a derogatory, normally one that doesn't get used by anyone but me, and use the most profane language I possibly can. I intentionally say stupid crap, and will end things with yo a lot because I like to act black. Not entirely like to, more like that's how I've adjusted to conversations with people. It's these conversations that I don't pester people with question after question. I don't need to get to know them and they're familiar enough with me at that point. Most of all though, I make comments about black people a lot.

We friends, we friends
I'm going to start it off with a "yo", "ey" or "ayo". It's going to bounce between questioning and random anecdotes that are me picking what the other person learns about me.

I'm slightly unstable at the moment
I can't shut the fuck up or act nervous a lot and go into the helpless tells. I end up ranting more than I should. I also show how jittery I'm getting by it. Easily excitable, easily depressed. If it goes on for too long easily angered. Thankfully most people have other stuff to do than talk to me. I'd say it's because they don't care enough, but I understand. I get annoying even when I'm not in an unstable mood. Also it's facebook, it's become more of something people leave open when they're doing other shit, it's not often that there's a good time.

I'm tryna be a star like the sun
But my light's been put out cause you're not in my arms
The shine's now a fade, eyes now are glazed
Windows glued shut as I test fate
Is destiny my master, or a future slave
Please teach me well, indenture's a phase
As the blinds draw a close, but the third eye still sees
What will the future hold, will it have me?
Will my will be enough or just a memory
Left in these pages and thoughts that you read
At least I could live a few weeks fore I died
Reborn again but left to cry
To be spanked and taught and raised a new one
The phoenix of the ashes of a dying sun
The black hole to your nova, The door in your way
The pit of despair and the mind washed away
I don't even remember why I still complain
I'm just stuck in my ways
I'm stuck thinking old when I should be living new
I should be looking elsewhere but I'm thinking of you
I'm sorry, the obsession's to much
Oppressing my thoughts and numbing my touch
I can't see, think, or even walk straight
Everywhere's you even if I come late
A model for perfection, but why must I seek
I'll never find a person with the same sized feats

The big red demon bares his ugly head again
Like a sin, the fucking rush is an addiction
Fuck doing drugs, just fucking fill me up
The cup's half empty Anyways
For days and days I chug and the thoughts start getting thicker
Like a viscous liquid, I need draino for my brain
Pour me a cup, keep me in the game
That I'm playing, by default, not by choice
Momma wants me in school but she won't hear my voice
I'll scrape by, No, you'll achieve
In a field you don't care for cause you belong to me
Go to school, that's the path of success
But will you be happy? Doesn't matter, success
That's a yes to me, because money is what matters
That's a no from me, because money's just a bother
Look, I don't care for luxuries
Prefer to stay simple
Just scraping by
Who needs a big ass car, A big ass lawn, And rooms you don't use
Or to live in a city, Breathing in the poison
While you're stuck strung out on its fumes

This demon needs a name, let's go with Bill
Or what about Toro, that's chill
Kid's a libra and a bull, so the name fits
When his alter ego represents his mind in a fit
But it's really hard to try to balance bullshit
People talk out their ass when enraged
All they see is red, and to me their dead
I would but don't regret what I'm saying
I've gone to two funerals, but I know more people in the same
Gonna outlive my dad, and forget about my mom
Because they're all partially to blame
But the true target here is me in the end
Not bull, not bitch, not slob
I'm the prodigal's sun with nowhere to return
So I guess the adventure's never done

Need a positive outlook to outrun the outside
Ostracize opinions that try to break my mind
I'm my own man in the making
Not a doll, so you can't keep playing
You can't feed me bullshit and tell me it's a cake
You can't take me to water and force me to take a drink
You can't guide me through life, I lead I don't follow
In the end all time is returned that was borrowed

Track 7: Alan's in Wonderland

Dazed, Confused, and slightly depressed
The death of a mystic rebirth of a mess
Don't contest what I profess, these lies speak the truth
God's my final witness, while the only other's you
A bird can't fly forever, sometimes it has to land
Stradle on a branch, worry about its fam
But it's mating season now, no girls to see me dance
The nest is left empty, and the feather's made of lead

The roller ride's over, please exit to your left
As I'm left without a clue as to what to expect next
Did I really like her, or was she just another thought
What is it that I want, stop staring at the clock
The hands stopped moving but time's still moving on
I'm left in the past again, Future's frozen, gone
Unconsciously longing, subconsciously fighting
Interpret my thoughts wrong, and take my actions lightly

B LAZ E's at the wheel, Alan's off to hibernate
But there's no brake pads, couldn't stop at this rate
In this race, Alan's stuck going in circles
So B LAZ E's treading green, I need a miracle
I need the sun to shine out of the hole I hold
I could always jump across but I'd rather use a pole
Or a bridge, or some wings, because what if I fall
Body's splattered red, and I'll no longer hear the call

Track 8: Alan's in Wonderland

It's positive vibe time

Integrate with hive mind

Insane so rewind

Peter Pan ain't as fly

Right before I tie my tie

Light it up for the ride

Mile high club and touching rye

Attending a funeral fore the body hit the ground
Soul intact so everything's sound
The wind's blowing
The tree's are smoking
I'm stuck toking on a cloud

Dead thoughts in my head keep spinning
Old soul empath and I'm still winning
Thoroughly pave a path too dirty to walk
So I ran the other way with my tail between my cock
Got the dreads out, mad style, more crazy than a hatter
Alan's in wonderland and B LAZ E's in battle
Pull out excalibur bust the blade and some butter
Good night to the knight and the king's special other
She didn't give it up but why bother
A chase ain't a chase if you catch her
Set a trap just to spring it on the wrong girl
Dazzle that girl, shower her with pearls
Love drunk but fuck sobriety
Happy as fuck with notoriety

Commit a robbery of all the bad feelings
Put it through the process, start some sensual healing
Wave the wavelength from the crest to the trough
Borrow a few more words from the world
To be honest I'm feeling kinda old
Throw that up to the recycled soul
This is more than a rap, it's a story
But there's no plot yet at least as it's told
Usually dark and sinister with a little bit of minister
I gotta show the hippier side of me
The happy go lucky, looking for a fucky
Free love free earth and free me

OH EM GEE BECKY IT'S A FUCKING POST FOR ONCE!

So yea, posting. Whoopie right? Not writing some halfassed rap, or full assed but probably still amateur grade. Things didn't go as well as I'd hoped, feeling a buzzkill right now, been in super high spirits for about a month, nothing like remembering where you are. The lyrics two posts ago were directed at someone from my math class that I really hoped to get somewhere with, even though being friends is just as solid. It was a third time's the charm thing, of course trying a third time is also being a pushy fuck, wouldn't have even gotten to the second try if I wasn't as loopy as I've been. Now that I think about it, I've been feeling utterly amazing since I got the flu a bit ago, so it's probably more along the lines of two weeks, it's just felt like a month. Anyways, she has her own damage which won't be disclosed here, and finds relationships to be disasters. It didn't surprise me, that's how I interpreted my magical attraction to Directioners. They're lonely as fuck, some of them are smiley and all but deep down there's a hole dug by loneliness that they try to fill with cute boys. Probably a bad generalization but so far I don't believe I've been wrong. The girl from my english class is a Directioner, and I've seen her talk about how she feels like she has friends, but not like super close ones. I look at it in this light. For awhile now I've let my unconscious mind direct myself, you know going with gut and instinct over proper logic. Not just the let your heart be your guide, but don't think and just do, and then watch for the results. Leave behind any trace of despair when it comes to decision making, say yes when you can. I chalk that up to my knowledge of myself, my acceptance of myself, the fact that I probably spend more time sleeping a day than awake. Even awake I feel like I'm asleep. The unconscious knows more than it lets on and that's the problem, I never have an explanation for the attraction. I'd like to figure out why, but I'm not going to sit for four hours trying to interpret my feelings for a girl or anyone in general. I fall in love with reality anyways, with everything. It's hard not to at the point I've gotten to where being negative is overrated. Yet when I write a song I still feel negative, indefinitely. This came up in a conversation with one of my friends from work though, who I sadly don't see anymore because he found a legit job, and his band got signed. I intentionally focus on the positive. All I see is positive and potential in people, and I prefer to focus on their true potential. Not the potential that they show, but the potential supported by their passion. Not everybody grows up wanting to be in a high paying job. I was talking to one of my few chick friends about what she wants to do with her life. She said she wants to be an engineer. I asked her why. She didn't know why, she's like I guess because it's college. Like why? Why because it's college? Why not because you want to? I started talking to her more about it and she was talking about how she might like to be a fitness coach, which fits her. She's a swimmer that borders on olympic but didn't make the cut. Best female swimmer in my highschool though, or so I've heard. Like seriously, everyone has a potential but not everybody abuses it the way they should. Why go through all the work to be something that you're not going to be happy as, when you can spend that time working on getting everything you can out of life, so that you don't die early from stress and exhaust yourself everyday just because you don't really care for what you're doing. They say once you make something fun into a job it ruins it, but if that's where you truly belong then it's not going to feel like a job. Even if it was a job you're not going to care. I think that ends my halfway moan about my social situation.

All these quotes can be found somewhere on Spirit Science's facbook page

Imma stop at 4 before it becomes absurd and me sharing every picture

Rolling solo ain't that bad.