This life ain't what I cracked it up to be
When I grew up I was under thirteen
My daddy gone away to the hospital
It was the first time I saw the crashing world
But now it's a new sensation to feel
Emotions I've felt that caused me to peel
Layer by layer, the better I got
But then I lost it and chaos it wrought
You can ask anyone I fought and fought
But it was pointless just like I thought
I knew that good things will come to an end
But I didn't want to meet it yet
I believe you can say my lyricism has gone to shit.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Payphone
Yes, I know. I'm talking about an overplayed Maroon 5 song. But hey, besides the Rapgenius interpretation that I read was bogus. Plus, it kinda fits into how I feel. Both the part from Adam Levine and the part from Wiz Khalifa. If you look past the overplaying Payphone's a good song. I happen to like a lot of overplayed songs and listen to them at home, but that's mostly because I don't listen to the radio a lot. So let's start.
I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby, it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?
Now obviously he's not actually at a payphone. I've been trying to figure out what it represents but the second line is possibly a double entendre. With the obvious reference to a payphone, I believe he's also saying he changed for her. My idea of what the payphone could be is him trying to change back to how things used to be, so that it'd feel like home again. The next two lines are quite obvious, no real interpretation needed. But for the moronic or slow types, not intended to bash on you guys, Adam's saying things aren't what they used to be anymore. They were gonna be "together forever" but that idea's as unrealistic as pigs flying. Just think about the pigs, they'd break any wings they got trying to flap their fatasses off the ground. Now if it's not obvious, this is a bit of the epitome of how I feel. I just kept trying to bring things back to normal and how they used to be. I went so far as to change for her. Now it's not good to change for anyone except yourself, and that's an idea I've stood by. But by changing for her, I was changing for myself. I was trying to make sure the mistakes I made before wouldn't be made again. They weren't either, just other things happened. I just spent too much time dwelling in the past though. She and I didn't exactly have plans made for us to be together. But there were plans we made together. I remember last year I told her once I had a job I'd be getting her fancy smancy birthday and Christmas presents. Like legit katanas or videogames. But all that's impossible now.
Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember
The people we used to be...
It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.
Of course he's saying that they've both changed a lot. He had so many aspirations that she was always gonna be there, but now she's not. Again, I feels this. I can't tell you how many times I've thought back to my memories of her. Some of the are blurred, I'll make that definite, but some of them are blatantly clear. It's the older memories that I remember so well. The more recent ones, well she and I never made much worth remembering. That's just what happened. She gave up on me. I never thought she'd go though. I'm a master optimist, always hoping for the best. If the DC universe were real I'd already be a Blue Lantern. I always thought things would fix themselves. So when they didn't, well you guys read, I fell apart. It kinda ties into a thought I had before. What is actual suicide. There's more than just physical. There's metaphorical. I remember I talked to her about it too. I was saying how much I needed her in my life, this was before we were drifting apart, and how I probably wouldn't stand living without her. How if I were to scare her away it'd be metaphorical suicide because I'd just be a body with a mind that gave up. I guess you could say she metaphorically murdered me by leaving me behind.
You say it's too late to make it,
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down
See there's his final plea. He's asking her not to give up and to try to make it work. But maybe they did do that and now that she left him he feels the time he invested into it wasn't worth it. And in that time he spent it just got more hopeless and pointless. See I tried harder the more I realized she gave up. That didn't work out too well though. I would never say that I wasted my time though. Even though it had no payoff, it was lovely working for it. I still had some moments with her. Like back when she had a boyfriend, I was talking to her and she had a root beer float. She was a little depressive so I was trying to cheer her up. I start listing all the nice things she has in life; her boyfriend, her looks, etc etc. When I ran out of things I ended it with "BUT MOST OF ALL, YOU HAVE A ROOT BEER FLOAT". She liked that, and it pleased me that she did. I don't see all the bridges burned either. Maybe it's my optimism, or maybe it's just a delusion. But there's always a chance. That's part of the allure of never knowing.
I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed.
Still stuck in that time
When we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise
Of course he's going to feel like he wasted his life with her. He's gonna feel spiteful cause she just left. Her turning out the lights is literally that, giving up. Once the lights are out, you can't see where you're going. But cause he's paralyzed, he can't really go anywhere. He's just stuck in the past, like me. I don't remember if she ever used to say I love you back whenever I said it with my goodbye, but I know she did used to love me. The last line is just what I always carried in the back of my head, all good things come to an end, sadly.
If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
If what he hoped for happened, things would never have gone bad. But a happy ending doesn't exist, not in the real world. The last line though, it's really strong. It's ironic of course, this song is a love song in itself. I've found there to be two different types, the ones about someone leaving, and the ones about how much the writer enjoys their special someone being there. He's sick of love songs though because all they serve to do is taunt him. Remind him of what he used to have, what's gone now. I can't express how much I like this part. Even though I've never gotten to hold her ever, my happy ever after is that. Just me and her falling asleep together every night. I wouldn't care if I were a virgin for the rest of my life, or had to live on the streets if that happened. I'd be happy just to have her in my arms.
Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.
All good memories eventually fade when there aren't newer ones to remind you of the old ones. Adam's special someone didn't care about what could happen, and didn't remember whatever was so special in the first place. He loved her, thinking she returned the feeling, but no she didn't. The last part strikes me to him saying she liked someone else and not him. Not gonna express how I relate to that interpretation, because it's blatantly obvious.
You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care
I know I've said it before
But all of our bridges burned down.
This part is blatantly obvious. Same with why I relate. But that's what happens when people drift apart but one didn't want that to happen.
Man, fuck that shit
I'll be out spending all this money
While you're sitting round wondering
Why it wasn't you who came up from nothing,
Made it from the bottom
Now when you see me I'm stunning,
And all of my cars start with a push of a button
Telling me the chances I blew up
Or whatever you call it,
Switch the number to my phone
So you never could call it,
Don't need my name on my shirt,
You can tell it I'm ballin.
Swish, what a shame could have got picked
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot
So you talk about who you see at the top
Or what you could have saw but sad to say it's over for.
Phantom pulled up valet open doors
Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for
Now it's me who they want, so you can go and take
That little piece of shit with you.
So this is Wiz's part. He's expressing the other side you feel. While Adam is the side of thought saying I wish she'd come back. Wiz is the side saying who the fuck needs her. I don't feel like totally interpreting the whole entire thing though. So I'll just leave after that.
I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby, it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?
Now obviously he's not actually at a payphone. I've been trying to figure out what it represents but the second line is possibly a double entendre. With the obvious reference to a payphone, I believe he's also saying he changed for her. My idea of what the payphone could be is him trying to change back to how things used to be, so that it'd feel like home again. The next two lines are quite obvious, no real interpretation needed. But for the moronic or slow types, not intended to bash on you guys, Adam's saying things aren't what they used to be anymore. They were gonna be "together forever" but that idea's as unrealistic as pigs flying. Just think about the pigs, they'd break any wings they got trying to flap their fatasses off the ground. Now if it's not obvious, this is a bit of the epitome of how I feel. I just kept trying to bring things back to normal and how they used to be. I went so far as to change for her. Now it's not good to change for anyone except yourself, and that's an idea I've stood by. But by changing for her, I was changing for myself. I was trying to make sure the mistakes I made before wouldn't be made again. They weren't either, just other things happened. I just spent too much time dwelling in the past though. She and I didn't exactly have plans made for us to be together. But there were plans we made together. I remember last year I told her once I had a job I'd be getting her fancy smancy birthday and Christmas presents. Like legit katanas or videogames. But all that's impossible now.
Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember
The people we used to be...
It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.
Of course he's saying that they've both changed a lot. He had so many aspirations that she was always gonna be there, but now she's not. Again, I feels this. I can't tell you how many times I've thought back to my memories of her. Some of the are blurred, I'll make that definite, but some of them are blatantly clear. It's the older memories that I remember so well. The more recent ones, well she and I never made much worth remembering. That's just what happened. She gave up on me. I never thought she'd go though. I'm a master optimist, always hoping for the best. If the DC universe were real I'd already be a Blue Lantern. I always thought things would fix themselves. So when they didn't, well you guys read, I fell apart. It kinda ties into a thought I had before. What is actual suicide. There's more than just physical. There's metaphorical. I remember I talked to her about it too. I was saying how much I needed her in my life, this was before we were drifting apart, and how I probably wouldn't stand living without her. How if I were to scare her away it'd be metaphorical suicide because I'd just be a body with a mind that gave up. I guess you could say she metaphorically murdered me by leaving me behind.
You say it's too late to make it,
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down
See there's his final plea. He's asking her not to give up and to try to make it work. But maybe they did do that and now that she left him he feels the time he invested into it wasn't worth it. And in that time he spent it just got more hopeless and pointless. See I tried harder the more I realized she gave up. That didn't work out too well though. I would never say that I wasted my time though. Even though it had no payoff, it was lovely working for it. I still had some moments with her. Like back when she had a boyfriend, I was talking to her and she had a root beer float. She was a little depressive so I was trying to cheer her up. I start listing all the nice things she has in life; her boyfriend, her looks, etc etc. When I ran out of things I ended it with "BUT MOST OF ALL, YOU HAVE A ROOT BEER FLOAT". She liked that, and it pleased me that she did. I don't see all the bridges burned either. Maybe it's my optimism, or maybe it's just a delusion. But there's always a chance. That's part of the allure of never knowing.
I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed.
Still stuck in that time
When we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise
Of course he's going to feel like he wasted his life with her. He's gonna feel spiteful cause she just left. Her turning out the lights is literally that, giving up. Once the lights are out, you can't see where you're going. But cause he's paralyzed, he can't really go anywhere. He's just stuck in the past, like me. I don't remember if she ever used to say I love you back whenever I said it with my goodbye, but I know she did used to love me. The last line is just what I always carried in the back of my head, all good things come to an end, sadly.
If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
If what he hoped for happened, things would never have gone bad. But a happy ending doesn't exist, not in the real world. The last line though, it's really strong. It's ironic of course, this song is a love song in itself. I've found there to be two different types, the ones about someone leaving, and the ones about how much the writer enjoys their special someone being there. He's sick of love songs though because all they serve to do is taunt him. Remind him of what he used to have, what's gone now. I can't express how much I like this part. Even though I've never gotten to hold her ever, my happy ever after is that. Just me and her falling asleep together every night. I wouldn't care if I were a virgin for the rest of my life, or had to live on the streets if that happened. I'd be happy just to have her in my arms.
Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.
All good memories eventually fade when there aren't newer ones to remind you of the old ones. Adam's special someone didn't care about what could happen, and didn't remember whatever was so special in the first place. He loved her, thinking she returned the feeling, but no she didn't. The last part strikes me to him saying she liked someone else and not him. Not gonna express how I relate to that interpretation, because it's blatantly obvious.
You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care
I know I've said it before
But all of our bridges burned down.
This part is blatantly obvious. Same with why I relate. But that's what happens when people drift apart but one didn't want that to happen.
Man, fuck that shit
I'll be out spending all this money
While you're sitting round wondering
Why it wasn't you who came up from nothing,
Made it from the bottom
Now when you see me I'm stunning,
And all of my cars start with a push of a button
Telling me the chances I blew up
Or whatever you call it,
Switch the number to my phone
So you never could call it,
Don't need my name on my shirt,
You can tell it I'm ballin.
Swish, what a shame could have got picked
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot
So you talk about who you see at the top
Or what you could have saw but sad to say it's over for.
Phantom pulled up valet open doors
Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for
Now it's me who they want, so you can go and take
That little piece of shit with you.
So this is Wiz's part. He's expressing the other side you feel. While Adam is the side of thought saying I wish she'd come back. Wiz is the side saying who the fuck needs her. I don't feel like totally interpreting the whole entire thing though. So I'll just leave after that.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Eliminate the Hate
I've found it really hard to grasp the concept of hate. It's just never been a part of me. I can express it, but at this point it's normally impossible for me to hold a grudge. You can ask anyone that knows me well, I'm quite the forgiving person, and normally on my worst day me using "hate" isn't serious. I can hate a person though, but it fades. I just stop talking to them as much, stop associating with them, and normally by the time I comeback they suit my personality better. I'm not trying to say they have to. If I ever hear someone tell another person they have to change for him/her and not themselves, I will casually walk up and beat the shit out of the person. I just naturally like people I guess. It makes it hard for me to move on from people though. If I genuinely like a girl, not just cause she's a pretty face, I'm never going to be over her. Every time I think I'm over them, something always comes to smack me in the face. Earlier today, around 4 in the morning, I was checking on something because I was thinking of eventually hitting up a girl to chill, but where I was checking the first thing I see is Her. I instantly feel that torrent of emotion that haunts me. Hate is just as strong a word as love. I can dislike someone as long as I want, but it never moves past that and it always eventually reverts back to neutrality or more. Take Twerky for example. I'll admit it. I miss talking to her, and there's the day that I think about talking to her again. But I know it's too late to do that. I don't know if she read my bitch post about her, but it doesn't seem like she's missed me. Or the girl that had the guts to tell me off for who I associate with. I found that even though I was sorely pissed at her for a month or so, my thoughts about her continued to revert back to usual, especially when I saw her at a party. I was genuinely surprised to get a hello and that she was nice with me. I guess you can say distance builds longing for me faster than your usual person. I'm not the neediest person, but I build a connection fast. Stress on that connection just creates a bigger pull. I just wish I could cut love out of my life sometimes, but I've also realized how vital it is to everyday than I may think. The way I define love at least. I'll just have to take what I learned from movies on Netflix and end with this. I choose to be happy now, even though I know at the end of the day I will have a tear for her, I better enjoy the time spent without one.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Dat Lyfe
So I've been contemplating whether I should try again at being a facebook admin. Of course this time, if I do try, it's going to be where it's not a page from scratch but me asking another page that commonly has 10 or 20 admins at a time if I could be one. No not straight out, I mean ask for a trial adminship. I have nothing better to do this summer and would really like to possibly meet some people. I don't meet people during the summer. I'd be pretty good at admin if I say so myself, except for short attention spans and such. But besides the fact I spend most of my day playing videogames, I have depth and am a short leveled anime fan. I say short leveled because I only read the manga and watch dubbbed episodes, I really hate having to read the subs. Also, even though I don't show it here that often anymore, I am funny. Quite funny. My OC is horrible though, it's horrible enough that I don't even deserve to look at memes. Good thing I have a giant stockpile of memes, me and my loneliness have it because they're all ones that I'd have sent her if she hadn't left. I real need something to survive the summer though.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Not a day goes by that you're not on my mind
I have better things to do to pass the time
But yet you're still here, the memory painful
I'd have done anything for you, no matter how shameful
I want my world to come back to order
The haunting memories stayed to loiter
Turning my mind from world from happy to sad
All the worthless thoughts over the happiness we had
All the worthless thoughts of what could have been
But wasn't, I hope it's not the end
I have better things to do to pass the time
But yet you're still here, the memory painful
I'd have done anything for you, no matter how shameful
I want my world to come back to order
The haunting memories stayed to loiter
Turning my mind from world from happy to sad
All the worthless thoughts over the happiness we had
All the worthless thoughts of what could have been
But wasn't, I hope it's not the end
Monday, June 24, 2013
Suicide Letters In My Head
I soak the sheets as I die
Telling the whole world why
My heart's in two but you don't care
I'd want to break yours to make it fair
I'd do anything for you
But you didn't think it's true
You needed space you just had to ask
But you'd rather let it pass
You just let me go on my way
Be naive cause you'd never say
That you wanted me to go away
That's what brought me to this sad day
I find myself crying myself to sleep sometimes as I write a suicide letter in my head. Everyday the thought looks more lovely, I guess cause there's not much to anchor me here. I have friends. But, I don't have her. No matter how much I'd want to I never would've because she might've been petrified from it, but now I don't know whether that was true for the last 2 or 3 months. Now I feel a need for her to hurt too. I doubt that death would be the right way to do it though.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Everything's A Haunting Memory
I'm not reposting the "I love you"s because I didn't have anything to add to it and I had a nice break from posting so it's 3 posts behind. I felt fine yesterday. On Monday Blue talked to me, but it wasn't cause she regretted what she did. It's cause she was annoyed with my blabbing. I messaged her like every other day asking her to stop this. I stopped messaging her after that though. Then yesterday and the day before yesterday I felt genuinely happy and calmed, but that wasn't gonna last long. Just everything seems to remind me of her. Besides the fact that my wall is covered in blue handprints I made one day, there's sentiment to everything I see. Food coloring, FOOD COLORING, that reminds me of her. It was last summer where I was gonna stop by her house and chill a bit. Any reader that's been reading for awhile would know about that because I made a post talking about how great it was. Well I wanted to bring her something "blue" related. So I was gonna bring her blue food coloring to make all of her food blue with. I couldn't find it of course, instead I brought a box of blueberry poptarts. Then there's my Xbox. I can't even think to play Halo because even though I never played it with her, it was one of her favorite games for Xbox. My copy of the Orange Box that I got, just to play with her, I sometimes want to just break. It's not even the right copy.What I'm saying is, my mind is pretty much in shreds. Just so many things to remind me of when things were better. So many things that inflict sentiment that is only painful because of how far I've fallen. I reread her blog today also. Not everything. But a couple of select posts. Some made me cry. Like the one where she felt hurt by Carlie. No Carlie's a guy. But she was hurt enough to declare her giving up on love, something that never lasted long. I hope things even out for me, but until then this summer is probably going to be miserable. I need to start drawing again.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
What Am I Doing
So the events from a week ago have truly taken their toll on me. Besides the obvious stuff like depression, which got highly elevated. Take it this way, I'm naturally a good gamer so I play videogames when I'm down cause no matter what I do well. Yea, that's like a myth now. I've been sucking ass at everything. From a physical game, to playing Dota. Played my favorite chars like Troll Warlord or Broodmother, got my ass raped. But back to what I was talking about. Serious toll. The one that's getting to me. She also stressed that she didn't want it to happen. I think I'm starting to hate her. I've had a week to stew in my depressions and what happened. I found myself yesterday bagging on her to myself. Just what the fuck. The crap that's starting to run through my head is making me mad at myself. I can't imagine being on bad terms with her. But now it's not so much a matter of choice. She put it to being that. The way she said goodbye, it screamed that she wasn't coming back. I already asked her twice to also. Both things came with no response back, no surprise. Now I find myself wanting to spite her though. I even commented on her facebook page that she neglects. She was asking some guy she liked why he doesn't love her back. I ended up commenting "I could ask you the same thing". I don't even know what I was thinking except that it might make her feel bad. In all honesty I don't want her to feel bad. I really don't. But it hurts, a lot, when she cuts things off and when you're begging her not to she just wants to get rid of you. I just feel like she needs to feel even a fraction of how bad she's made me feel. As you can see I'm not even using the name "Blue" but that's because she doesn't deserve it from me. It was a term of endearment. Everytime I used it I was saying I loved her, and reaffirming the bond that fell apart. But also it was attached to someone else I knew with the same face and body. That person that I'm probably never going to get to know again.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Music Roulette
I find my changes in music pretty interesting. Normally it's influenced by my mood. Like for example, the more depressed I am I listen to Breaking Benjamin and the Blink 182's title album. But I also change what I listen to based off of what I stumble on or through a friend. Right now I've been listening to a lot of Hollywood Undead. Perfectly fitting for the moment because there's a mix of serious and party songs. I got it cause I told my friend to suck my dick in spanish as a joke and he responded with some lyrics. I call it Music Roulette because it's normally pretty random what I end up switching to. It goes with the way I interact with videogames also though. I listen to the same stuff mixed with usuals for a month then get tired of it and switch to something else. Groups like System Of A Down are pretty nice too. I've always been for hardcore rock. I should listen to more Papa Roach, but eh.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
More Feels
So, because yesterday's pictures spam blew up with views, I figured I'd compliment it by having a song spam today, songs that I found through Blue in some way. I'm going to start off with a snippet of conversation with Blue though. Probably the last good one before she gave up on me. It's the one I referred to in "My Day of Wonder". It wouldn't surprise me though if she'd already given up on me. It's also where I got one of the songs. I'm leaving in the pictures, mines been on here before, and she's never cared that much about keeping the internet clean of her face and name. I still need to listen to the playlist also. The conversation cuts out before it ends, but that's because it gets to some private things. Some of the songs on her playlist though, they're really pretty. The light....that's a good one.
So first on the list is the one from the conversation that started the conversation. Distractions by Zero 7. Sadly the lyrics aren't posted with the video. This song gives me feels. It kinda of hinted at something to me. It was her saying she loves me, but there were things getting in the way. I can only assume she meant to confer something similar to that when she sent it to me. But it's probably a dead assumption. I do like Zero 7's use of a double entendre in the song though. "So go on mister, make Miss Me, Mrs. You" She's saying marry me. But she's also saying, make me want you here. That's what I feel Blue was trying to convey. But, that was a little over a month ago.
- May 6
So first on the list is the one from the conversation that started the conversation. Distractions by Zero 7. Sadly the lyrics aren't posted with the video. This song gives me feels. It kinda of hinted at something to me. It was her saying she loves me, but there were things getting in the way. I can only assume she meant to confer something similar to that when she sent it to me. But it's probably a dead assumption. I do like Zero 7's use of a double entendre in the song though. "So go on mister, make Miss Me, Mrs. You" She's saying marry me. But she's also saying, make me want you here. That's what I feel Blue was trying to convey. But, that was a little over a month ago.
Next is You and I by Zed's Dead. This samples another song, which I forgot the name of but has a darker side to it. I'm surprised I had to get introduced to it though. I've been obsessed with the rave scene, and Zed's Dead is that, the rave scene. I always labeled this as our song. If we were to ever get together, this'd be our song. I'm probably not going to ever listen to it after today though. I don't need to say much, the lyrics pretty much say it all.
Now Bitch Bad by Lupe Fiasco. I figured I might as well get the ones from Blue out of the way first. This is just because, I've dealt with a lot of "bitches" for how relatively short my life's been. And cause it came from Blue at a time where I was offed by one. I then responded with Blank bad, Twerky good, Blue better. Obviously I didn't use real names, and Twerky is lower than bitch synonymous.
Chained by the XX. Describes how things had become between Blue and I. I found this by listening to a band she was listening to on Spotify. At the point that I found this, I sent the link to Blue. But it was at the point where me sending a message when she wasn't online never got responded to. I don't want to dwell too long on some of these songs.
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