What Am I Doing

So the events from a week ago have truly taken their toll on me. Besides the obvious stuff like depression, which got highly elevated. Take it this way, I'm naturally a good gamer so I play videogames when I'm down cause no matter what I do well. Yea, that's like a myth now. I've been sucking ass at everything. From a physical game, to playing Dota. Played my favorite chars like Troll Warlord or Broodmother, got my ass raped. But back to what I was talking about. Serious toll. The one that's getting to me. She also stressed that she didn't want it to happen. I think I'm starting to hate her. I've had a week to stew in my depressions and what happened. I found myself yesterday bagging on her to myself. Just what the fuck. The crap that's starting to run through my head is making me mad at myself. I can't imagine being on bad terms with her. But now it's not so much a matter of choice. She put it to being that. The way she said goodbye, it screamed that she wasn't coming back. I already asked her twice to also. Both things came with no response back, no surprise. Now I find myself wanting to spite her though. I even commented on her facebook page that she neglects. She was asking some guy she liked why he doesn't love her back. I ended up commenting "I could ask you the same thing". I don't even know what I was thinking except that it might make her feel bad. In all honesty I don't want her to feel bad. I really don't. But it hurts, a lot, when she cuts things off and when you're begging her not to she just wants to get rid of you. I just feel like she needs to feel even a fraction of how bad she's made me feel. As you can see I'm not even using the name "Blue" but that's because she doesn't deserve it from me. It was a term of endearment. Everytime I used it I was saying I loved her, and reaffirming the bond that fell apart. But also it was attached to someone else I knew with the same face and body. That person that I'm probably never going to get to know again.